Time for Serenity Today

 

Time for Serenity, Anyone?

William Stafford

 

I like to live in the sound of water,
in the feel of mountain air. A sharp
reminder hits me: this world is still alive,
it stretches out there shivering toward its own
creation, and I’m part of it. Even my breathing
enters into this elaborate give-and-take,
this bowing to sun and moon, day or night,
winter, summer, storm, still–this tranquil
chaos that seem to be going somewhere.
This wilderness with a great peacefulness in it.
This motionless turmoil, this everything dance.

(Found on Parker Palmer's page, he adds this note: "The poem also gives voice to a simple sabbatical insight I want to keep alive: The most radical thing I can do during this era of intense social and political turmoil is hold to inner peace, as best I can. This isn’t the first time I’ve learned that lesson, but I needed to learn it again."

Some of us are seeking serenity even more than usual this year. There's a lot of turmoil going on, it's a time of great unrest. And although the summer has been gorgeously long and hot, the river water beautiful and the mountains majestic, we are also preparing for a seasonal shift, to fall and cooler weather and a return to school. This year that return is very needed yet very stressful  – uncertainty about the virus spreading amongst children, whether the kids will wear masks or not in classroom, all the little bubbles of friends spreading and mixing. Parents getting their freedom back!

Even though my kids are grown and living on their own, my son’s wife is pregnant, and therefore limiting her contacts with the world at large, safely working from home. But as thirty somethings, the invitations for weddings, funerals, christenings and baby showers are frequent - and have to be negotiated, considered, sometimes declined. It is not an easy time for any of us.

In this continuing pandemic chaos, we need a little serenity. I offer this poem as a reminder that the seasons are still turning, the dance of life is on-going, and we are part of this creation of nature. My breathing is part of the give and take.

I need to find tranquility in the midst of the chaos surrounding me, on the news, in the airwaves, around the corner.

When the moon is shining on the water, I am reminded of that beauty.

When the wind is blowing the leaves from the trees, I watch in wonder.

When the storm clouds blow and shake and shiver the sky, I am grateful to have shelter.

Laisse le vent souffler! Let the wind blow, sings Zachary Richard (amidst hurricane season).

There is beauty even in the madness – il y a de la beauté dans la malheur, sings Kevin Parent, two songs I’ve shared recently on my Facebook page. They remind me that music, songs, poetry, nature are balms for my soul – they remind me to stay where I can breathe. To re-center and lift my eyes to the sun and moon, to the stars and the sky. To dance with the wind.

Tomorrow is a full moon. I’m going to get outside and fill my eyes with light.

I want to remember the basics, the in-breath, the out-breath.

Soften my belly and feel my feet on the ground.

Stand like a tree and receive the life energy flowing.

Sending me signals, messages, this moment.

Serenity is within my reach.

 

SoulCollage(R) Card: Heart Focus 

 

 

 

Writing down the body or The Story I tell myself is....

Ever since my first creative writing class and an exercise called the Taboo Journal, I have been fascinated with the power of memory held in the body, and the way our stories define us. The story I tell myself is, as one well known psychologist and author puts it. I have stored memories, hurts, traumas, griefs, and blocked energy in my shoulders, my belly, my ovaries, my pelvic area, my broken wrist and strained right knee and god knows where else. Clarissa Pinkola Estes has a quote somewhere that wherever we press on the flesh of the body, a memory surfaces....Healing through writing has always been an important tool for me.

As a writer and facilitator, this has led me to lead workshops using journaling prompts to write the body, and have a conversation with body parts that want me to shine a light on their neglected story. In one exercise, I named one breast Famine and the other Abundance and wrote a poem for each.

I had a dialogue with my vagina about what colour the wall paper in her room was, and what kind of furniture would be in there (red velvet, of course!). When I broke my right knee skiing, just on the cusp of menopause and a roiling mid-life transition, it gave me permission to take a lot of quiet time for thinking and writing about the connection between my body and my mind. I wanted to know why I broke my knee, was it significant? Was it a symbol for me needing to stand up for myself and ask for help when overwhelmed? At the same time, Louise Hay’s book and a few others came to my attention – giving me a kind of lexicon of the body-mind connection. A key resource was Dr Northrup’s exploration of the female body in Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.

Mid-life brought up some more intense body wisdom and learnings. I was mothering two hormonal teen age children, while facing my own menopausal angst, as well as writing, teaching and volunteering to organize events. One particular project had become too large and unmanageable, but I didn’t know how to step down without looking unreliable and disappointing the others. My shoulders and upper back began to ache so badly that every night I needed a heating pad to fall sleep. When I finally made the decision to step down, my body aches disappeared. This happened at least twice, when I was over-committed to outside projects.  I began to pay attention and listen to my body more earnestly.

Recently I’ve been taking some online writing courses specifically centered on healing and releasing old family shadows. It has been very enlightening, to learn how the trauma and pain in one generation can get passed down to the next, until we become aware of it and break the cycle. Another course used the Hero’s Journey as an outline, and urged me to enter the cave of old griefs and hurts, and face the Dragon guarding my treasures and dialogue with him. During that five day class, I wondered at the marvelous ways my body was humming, buzzing, aching and releasing. Energy was moving, just by answering journal prompts and using my imagination to enter that dark cave of old beliefs about my “story”. Reading Women’s Intuition has further bolstered my faith in the embodied guidance and wisdom from within. (https://www.amazon.ca/Womens-Intuition-Unlocking-Wisdom-Body-ebook/dp/B00466HMJG)

The story I tell myself is....This is my old story: I was brought up the eldest of eight children (born in 10 years), in a Catholic family, and became the responsible one, the Mother’s Helper or Little Mother, out of necessity. My mother was alcoholic, and I stepped in to help out, putting a certain burden on my shoulders at an early age. This lead to a pattern of valuing myself externally in my life – the need to always feel productive, purposeful, and valuable by giving and doing, and almost never allowing myself to rest. My body had to force me to stop sometimes.  I look back now, and see that in my twenties I had become addicted to the high of self-less service in my spiritual life, finding great satisfaction (but also exhaustion and stress) in being always on call, evenings, weekends, and whenever there was a need. It was for a good cause but my body craved rest and a more balanced lifestyle. Once I got married, I threw myself into studying, going back to school full time, being an A student (overachiever that I am), then having two babies while doing my Master’s degree over several years.

Bringing up two children, born twenty months apart, was a wonderfully fulfilling role to play, and at the same time I was studying creative writing, teaching part-time and working on a master’s thesis, which became the book, Little Mother. I needed to explore motherhood: my mother’s alcoholism, my childhood, and my own birth journal while I was pregnant. I wrote poems about breastfeeding, sex, and the mothering overload. Writing the body was a life-saver, once again, and it helped me make order out of chaos. But becoming a mother was also my Waterloo. My wolf-mother instincts had been awakened, my hearing and eyesight were keener than ever. My nervous system went into overdrive; it was hard to sleep, hard to share the parenting roles when babies only want their mommies, even with a willing partner. That brought me to therapy, where the psychologist kindly said, you have taken on another mothering job with teaching. I was trying to be the perfect mom, you know how it goes. I ran up against my own human limitations, and more body wisdom.

Menopause, that other womanly rite of passage, threw my body into hormonal chaos and sent my heart and mind onto a rough rollercoaster of ups and downs, highs and lows. Some days, I felt like I was going crazy – shrieking at my kids about crumbs on the counter. Mild depression swung me on a hook for a while. I was saved again by the writing. I started a blog, interviewed other women to find out if it was the same for everyone, researched and read a ton of books, and finally wrote my own, The Tao of Turning Fifty. Since then, I’ve given lectures on the mid-life transition and written a few hundred blog posts and articles. (http://msmenopause.blogspot.ca/)

My life has been a search of that mysterious answer or clue to what ails me....for instance, a frozen shoulder, shortly after my book came out, prevented me from working on the computer for any length of time. It took five years of journaling, osteopathic treatments, shamanic journeying and finally I felt I got to the bottom of that shoulder issue.  I was in a workshop exploring the Inanna myth and down in the underworld meeting Erishkegal when I realized that the pain in my upper back was from the good girl archetype tightly wedged between my shoulder blades! Some very simple exercises from a physiotherapist helped me strengthen the back muscles. Now I sit at a desk with better ergonomics, and a good height for the keyboard. Plus, my adorable shitzu Mollie forces me to get up and take walks, and take a break from the computer regularly.

After the wild mid-life transition, in my sixties, my continuing curiosity led me to take classes to help find my inner child artist. I have rediscovered a love of artistic expression with SoulCollage and Art Journaling and once again, been catapulted back into the body, into the wild joy a child’s body feels while finger painting, drawing, or cutting up bits of images and pasting them onto cardboard. Time does not exist when I am in creative flow, and I stop feeling those aches and pains. I am grateful for the wise body guidance I receive, when I listen to it, and I want to commit to staying close to its wisdom every day.

Your story has a surprise beginning says this collage from my art journal, with a naked woman riding a white horse, facing backwards. Yes, it is a surprising rewrite. For instance, I have loved singing and music all my life. Where was that in my old story? The story I tell myself now is different from the one I have been telling myself all these years: eldest daughter, little mother with an absent mother, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I have found my joy in the magical child, the story teller, the little girl who sings to the flowers, la petite fille qui chantait aux fleurs.

Embodied wisdom, the body’s wisdom, is still something I am exploring. Creativity and Flow have become my go-too therapies. When I am stuck in the writing, I immerse myself in making collage, in playing with images instead of words. I am learning to speak the body’s language – it uses imagery, metaphor and symbols. Myths and the imagination emerge from the collective unconscious, as Jung taught, in the same symbolic language that speaks to us through dreams, in poetry and art, in our body’s intuitive knowing... Now I know that anything is possible.

See my website at www.jenniferboire.com for a free excerpt of the book, The Tao of Turning Fifty, and to register for my latest class offering, Her Journey, the Heroine’s Quest at Mid-Life.

10 ways to practice Self-Love, on Valentine’s Day or Every Day

As a Scorpio, eldest daughter and born Caretaker (I found this out at www.archetypes.com), I am often great at giving out advice but not so great at doing it myself. This list reminds me how important it is to fill my own well so I can share the love with those around me.

1.      Stop, listen, pay attention: I love the acronym for PAIN. Pay Attention Inside Now. How do you feel? What are you missing right now? Where does something not feel right? Where do you feel awesome? Noticing how you feel is the first step to taking action.

2.      Body Love: Honour the body’s messengers/guidance: those signals are popping up to help you. Don’t put it off. For instance, if you’re tired, take a short nap. If you’re hungry, make yourself a healthy snack or smoothie; if you’re stressed, take a stretch break and breathe. Don’t make excuses; love yourself by listening to the body’s messages.

3.      Loving TLC - Pamper yourself: this is not selfish. You can’t feed the world from an empty well. Need a mental health day? Give yourself permission to lounge and relax, read a book in bed all day. Or if this is difficult, book a massage. Get your hair or nails prettified; buy yourself a bunch of yellow tulips. Mid-February can be pretty bleak, so add some color to your life.

4.      Free to be me Love - Do something silly only you love to do: jump on the bed and giggle, convince a friend, sibling or partner to go sliding with you (even if you hate the cold, get out and play). Make a chocolate fondue and smear chocolate all over your fingers then lick them clean.

5.      Funny Love - Loosen up and laugh more: find a funny movie you haven’t watched in years, make it as corny as you can find, The Three Stooges or Maxwell Smart, something you used to love as a kid that will tickle your funny bone.

6.      Friend Love: call a friend you haven’t spoken to in over a month – we get so busy, we forget that a long talk with a close friend can open the heart; not a text, Facebook message or email – a real heart to heart in person or on the phone, if possible. If they live far away, surprise them with a Skype call.

7.      Creative Love: give yourself a creative break today. I love Sark’s book Succulent Wild Woman - she recommends staying in bed in your jammies and colouring with pens or crayons. Getting your creative flow on is a surefire mood booster. If you haven’t gotten your paints out for a while, set up the easel in the kitchen and make a mess. Do some collage, if you want something simple – all you need is glue, scissors and a few magazines. Get in the Flow; you’ll love yourself for doing it. As Sark says: Live like a full cup of self love, sharing the overflow with the world.

8.      Soulful Love - Pray/write/dialogue with your Soul: Don’t have a soul mate? Your soul or inner voice would love to speak with you. Author Janet Connor of Writing down your Soul, suggests that you just lay it all out in your journal – what you’re feeling, a dilemma you’re in, a challenge facing you – then let your inner voice respond with what is sure to be wise words. I love using this journaling tool to access my inner wisdom.

9.      Full Body Love: look at yourself in the mirror and see past the crow’s feet, the crooked eyebrows and the shadows under your eyes – see past the flaws, don’t curse them. Bless them! Say out loud while gazing into your right eyeball. I love you! I will cherish and love you all the days of my life. To help you with this, put on John Legend’s gorgeous song: All of Me.

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

10.   Ultimate Self-Love Party: strip naked, in front of a full-length mirror and touch with a loving touch every part of your body that needs some extra attention or love right now. Unhappy with your thighs? Touch them with loving thoughts. Saggy underarms? Touch them with love. Purposefully ignore the self-hate and ride over it with the voice of your Inner Best Friend, and again, sing All of Me: Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections… Remember, what you curse falters, and what you bless, flourishes.

Bonus points: a little sexy self-loving can’t hurt – get out your rose smelling almond oil and an inspiring book (Deep Down or 50 Shades of Grey) and play with your partner or your pillow!

Find the time and space to be your own best lover this Valentine’s. Don’t get caught up in the cliché of red roses and chocolate hearts: you deserve to love yourself, today, and every day.

Daring Greatly Book Review

http://www.brenebrown.com/books/

Author Brené Brown, PH.D., is a researcher and pioneer in studying shame and vulnerability. She has written two previous books, The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me and became well known recently doing a TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability (2010) which had over seven million hits on the website. I loved The Gifts of Imperfection, so I asked for a review copy of Daring Greatly, to see where she's headed in this new book. I found it full of 'home' truths.

Daring Greatly begins with a quote: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles…the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…”  Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

We may know on one level that to be human means to be vulnerable – that it’s not a weakness but a way of exposing ourselves to learning and growth, daring to make mistakes, and engaging in what is meaningful in spite of risks, yet how many of us really feel comfortable living from a vulnerable place?

This book is about encouraging leaders, teachers, parents and everyone to find our courage, compassion and connection to other people through the power of vulnerability. As Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for connection.”  Creativity and innovation, good parenting, leadership, all rely on our ability to not use shaming, bullying and blaming as methods to distance ourselves from difficult emotions, or for getting the most out of our children or employees, at home or in organizations.

Vulnerability involves showing up, letting ourselves be really seen, and knowing that our basic worthiness is not in question. However, as Brown asserts, the challenge is great; it does require ‘daring greatly’ because our society in general makes us feel “never good enough, perfect enough, thin enough, successful enough, smart enough” – a lot of which comes from media-driven visions of perfection, or nostalgia for the good old days.

Our fear and discomfort with vulnerability become judgment and criticism – we run away from uncomfortable feelings; but vulnerability is also what we need to experience love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and hope. If we think of feeling as a weakness, then we shut down, disengage, we don’t dare ask for help, share an unpopular opinion, or stand up for ourselves. That’s where the power of vulnerability comes in.

The most significant barrier to creativity and innovation is the fear of ridicule, and fear of failure and of being wrong. Yet without feeling safe enough to take risks and live with uncertainty, we can’t have real innovation and creativity.  In her chapter on leaders, Brown describes how being comfortable with vulnerability can actually increase creativity and innovation – if bosses feel they have to know everything, and always be ‘in charge’, it makes employees feel they are ‘less than’ or smaller than. Thus, shame and fear lead to lack of innovation because there isn’t a safe environment to make mistakes in.

“We can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again,” says Brown. Shame resilience allows us to acknowledge the hurt or disappointment, but not be devastated by it. We see our courage. We dare to stay connected to our emotions and to others in spite of feeling pain or rejection. We practice critical awareness.

Brown posits that ‘self-love is a prerequisite to loving others’. It gives you the courage to show up and be vulnerable, open up to love. Because we fear disconnection, being unlovable and not belonging, we work sixty hours a week, or get involved with affairs or addictions…we begin to unravel. Her solution: own up to your failures and fears; show up, be vulnerable and courageous enough to love and support ourselves and each other. Be real, in other words. Like the Velveteen Rabbit kind of real. Remove the mask, stop pretending we’re invulnerable, and remove the armour, the self-protection. Practice being ‘enough’. 

I find it especially hits home during the midlife transition, and so does Brown. At midlife, she describes how “all that role playing (fitting into perfect gender roles for women and men) becomes almost unbearable…. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted, and for the first time they begin to clearly see that the expectations are impossible.”

It’s good to be reminded that the cracks are where the light gets in, as Leonard Cohen sings. The book ends with Brown’s strategy or game plan: to change the culture by opening up a discussion on what we lose when we shut down, disengage and lead from fear, and power-over, using shaming, blaming and bullying techniques to get our own way and how this ultimately affects families, schools, and corporations. 

Imagine if we built a corporate culture or instilled family values of being honest and open about our emotions. This would encourage giving honest feedback and allowing room for growth and engagement. Growth and learning are uncomfortable, so it can be expected, and then accepted, which reduces shame, anxiety, and fear.

I believe, like Brene Brown, that the change will begin in families, at home, with our children. It begins when we show up honestly and courageously to have the difficult discussions, show our emotions and not pretend to know it all or armor up. “Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative.”

I highly recommend this book, and if you can’t manage to read it, watch her Ted talk at www.TED.com

Reviewed by Jennifer Boire

www.jenniferboire.com

Getting through it: Menopausal Minefield

How did I survive it, I wonder sometimes? Looking back at the time I spent in sleepless nights, feeling like I was going crazy, weeping in my bedroom or lashing out at my teenagers with impatience, feeling far away from my husband and just generally, not 'myself'; it feels like the long period leading up to menopause was a dangerous minefield.

What helped me through it? lots of different things - Promensil, a little red clover pill I got at the pharmacy, suggested by a woman friend a few years older, prevented hot flashes and melt-downs of heat. I know some women like to call them Power Surges but I could do without those, thank you very much.

There were ups and also Down times - I remember seeing a counselor for about a year, for talk therapy and anger issues. I didn't like the little explosions, the unexpected blowing up at my kids and spouse. Therapy took a few layers of defensive stuff off (and helped the shoulders), and gave me some practical tips for getting help and not burning out, but after going over the same childhood territory, sad, lonely teen with a chip on her shoulder from being little mother to her siblings, alcoholic mother, workaholic dad, etc etc, it was getting a little repetitive, so next I saw a Reiki therapist who also did reflexology and gave me very sound advice about how being a Mom, flipped upside down, was WoW. Energy work of any kind, cranial sacral, reiki, osteopathy, are all very healing.

I must have seen four different homeopaths and naturopaths, looking for the perfect mind-body health solution. It wasn't only menopause, but those aches and pains at mid-life - who ever heard of bursitis before age 45? or basal cell carcinoma? I also had a frozen shoulder from too much working on a laptop computer. Still bothers me, but an osteopath (saw several actually, before I found "the one") helped me unfreeze it, as the whole collar bone and neck was affected. There were nights when only a heating pad could help the pain.

Hmm, diet wise, a naturopath helped me discover low iodine was a problem for my thyroid, and the tendency to wallow in depression lifted. Losing the gluten was a miracle, discovered after a month-long diet where you remove things, one at a time, first no red meat, then no chicken, then no eggs or cheese, til finally I was eating rice and veggies only, with some rice protein powder smoothies. All those joint aches and pains, weeping sessions, weight gain and mood swings were not from menopause and aging, but from a gluten intolerance.

Low libido and sex life - this minefield is more slippery - pardon the pun - it goes up and down, and although I've taken oat tincture and Lorna whatzername's supplements, used the Ganga lubrifier and other JoyToy remedies, this one feels more like a communication issue. Still working on that one. Mostly, it's about speaking up, and allowing myself to enjoy mindless pleasure. Go figure!

Yoga and meditation were my constant companions, and still are. There is just no way to find inner peace and balance without them, for me. That and journal writing have helped me negotiate the mine-fields and not get blown up in the process.

The skies are clearing now, the storm clouds mostly gone, and blessed be, my kids are studying in two different cities, so my alone time and hermit needs are more frequently fulfilled. I am so loving leading Creative Journaling and SoulCollage(R) classes, and discovering the company of other women on the journey. And now it's my husband's turn to navigate the mid-life minefields (he's growing a beard).

take good care now, and if you want to learn more about the peri-menopausal journey and self-care, look for The Tao of Turning Fifty, on my website or at amazon.com
Musemother/jenn

Menopausal Medicine

First off, medicine is a misnomer, because this blog is about finding what feeds you, what thrills you and what makes you feel whole. Medicine of the soul is more like it.

I don't believe menopause is a disease, I believe it is a transformational journey, a walkabout for your inner woman, an initiation into your inner wise self.

I believe what you need is not more hormones but more harmony. Not more estrogen or progesterone but more self-love. Okay, some of you may need hormonal treatment just so you can sleep through the night and not wake up all ragged and worn-out. I don't blame you for wanting a remedy, any remedy, just to stay sane.

But most of all, dear menopausal, mid-life journeyers, what you are getting from life and your wisdom body, is a major wake-up call. It's time for you to take care of you! It's time for you to listen to your own wisdom. And do what you love, manifest your creative dreams.

Many great doctors, neuro-scientists and teachers are exploring the female brain and body at menopause and two of my favourite doctors, Dr Mona Lisa Schulz http://www.drmonalisa.com/ and Dr Christiane Northrup http://www.drnorthrup.com/ both say that our intuition is 80% based in the body. That's right, we get messages from our shoulders about taking on too much that is not ours; we get messages from our necks that we are working too long and too hard on the computer (and probably our posture is off too). We get messages from our gut that we are not 'digesting' something - not able to swallow the bullshit/lies being fed to us from co-workers, bosses, friends and relatives. Our breasts may be warning us that we are giving away too much of ourselves to others and not practicing good self-care.

We just don't always pay attention until it's too late. Then we wake up, fast, very wise all of a sudden, because of an emergency that calls us to slow down - my first such wake-up call was in the form of a broken-leg that forced me to enlist help in the running of the household and taking care of children departments. Lying in bed for a week or six mending the bones and the spirit was very good medicine. But did it have to hurt so much?

The challenge is to listen in - to pay attention to the soft whispers. The easy way would be to write things down, messages that come to you through dreams, gut feelings, intuitions and those under the radar kind of 'feelings' that get corroborated later. Learn to trust them, learn to follow them, even if it means a little risk. The more you follow the feeling, the stronger the next one gets, and then you begin to trust the larger universe. Are there angels and guides helping us tune into our own wisdom? I don't know but I like to think so.

So take your medicine, work on believing in your own wisdom, practice keeping track of when it leads you in the right direction, write it down. You are being initiated into a new phase in your life. You can begin to feel empowered, and look for people, books, classes that make you feel proud of that womanly power. I've just signed up for a newsletter from Mama Gena for example because I am curious about her Pleasure Intensive classes, and the good things I've heard. http://www.mamagenas.com/

May you never stop learning and growing and claiming your territory, and knowing your own power as a mid-life woman.

Namaste,
Musemother/Jenn
aka www.jenniferboire.com
author of The Tao of Turning Fifty

Mid-life transition hits men too

I've been so focused on writing for women, that I've missed something crucial about the mid-life transition. Men feel it too! Some men get so stressed that researchers have given it a name, IMS, Irritable Male syndrome.  No, it's for real, I found this on a website at http://midlifetransition.org/.

According to Men's Health Magazine up to 30% of men experience it: some of the symptoms are
hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger. Your mid-life man may be tired, and tired of being tired, not feeling understood, not as prone to be sexually as active as he was and tending to feel depressed about his life and accomplishments. According to some doctors mentioned on this site, lower testosterone levels are at the root of it. It's male menopause, or Andropause.

What's different from women is that men deny anything is wrong and don't talk to anyone about it because they are supposed to be the strong ones, holding the fort together, never showing emotional weakness, plus they often have difficulty talking about their feelings, especially around their sexuality.

If you are a woman in mid-life, you are most likely married to a man in mid-life and you may recognize some of the symptoms. It's probably easier to refer your favourite sufferer of IMS to a website, so have him check out the site linked above on the mid-life transition. Especially if you think he may be depressed, and have trouble reaching out for help. Dr William Pollack from Harvard is quoted as saying mid-life crisis is a code word for male depression, and it can be treated.

In any case, the word transition says it all - this is usually a temporary state - and if one does a little bit of soul searching and reflection, one comes through the other side with a deeper understanding of the human experience.

ps men's self-medication favourites as listed on this site: alcohol, TV, sports, and sex.
women's self-medication: food, friends and 'love'. Interesting differences....

jenn/musemother

My Manifesto on Self-Care

For the second time in two days, I’ve read that self-help books are full of clichés like: learn to slow down, take care of yourself, eat healthy good food, get regular sleep, journaling (this from a book review on a book for young women to help them get beyond high heels and shopping). Hello! When did rigorous discipline and self-love become cliché? That makes it sound so easy, like anyone can do it with their eyes closed.

Actually, it’s one of the hardest things in the world to accomplish, until you decide it’s a priority  – to get the right dose of balance in your overly busy life, to make sure the things you spend the most time on are the things that really matter, to carve out some down time to take care of your bruised soul in this wearying roller coaster existence of 24-7 productivity and busyness.  The goal being to not just survive but thrive. To have a happy healthy whole attitude towards life – every day I commit to taking better care of my inner Self in a world that honours only the success of my outer Self, i.e. the number of techno gadgets I am attached to, the number of fabulous exotic trips I take a year, the shape and colour of my wardrobe, the size of my purse....is a commitment not to something cliché but rather to being a more real human being.

So forgive me if you’ve heard this before, but I need to be reminded continuously that self-care is not selfish. I need to be reminded that focusing on what feeds me, and surrounding myself with like-minded folks who encourage that quest for balance in me, is where I start to feel human. The overstressed, yelling-all-the-time person who constantly criticizes herself (and others) for being too lazy, too self-indulgent and too slow is so yesterday. I do not want to live under the shadow of my inner critic, whose bark and bite are sneakily nasty. I have over identified with that little voice for far too long. I finally feel I deserve some self-love, just like I deserve a soothing massage when I am too wound up, and alone time to write in my journal and better understand myself.   I now know that when I am kind to myself it helps me be kind to others, and the world is a much better place when we are feeling kind. Yes, I am flawed, I'm not there all the time, but it is a fabulous goal to work on.

If that is cliché, well it’s one that hasn’t been used enough by the world in general to become cliché really (at least, not overused yet). When kindness, compassion and love are the norm, maybe then we can say it’s a cliché.

So take that, Book Reviewers of the world. The Tao of Turning Fifty is coming out in a few days, the end of January I hope, once I approve the final proof. And it will be full of clues, tools, and tips for self-care. Touché, cliché.

Mid Life Moods: Journaling dark thoughts

Mid-life Moods and dark thoughts

If we reject what is painful, we find only more pain,
but if we embrace what is within us, we stumble upon the light.
~ Elizabeth Lesser

 “Aren’t you a dog anyway, always groveling for love and begging to be petted? You ought to get into the garbage and lick the insides of the can, the greasy wrappers, the picked-over bones, you ought to drive your snout into the coffee grounds. Ah, coffee! Why not gulp some down with four cigarettes and then blast naked into the streets, and leap on the first beautiful man you find? The words ruin me, haven’t they been jailed in your throat for forty years, isn’t it time you set them loose in slutty dresses and torn fishnets to totter around in five-inch heels and slutty mascara? Sure it’s time. You’ve rolled over long enough… at the end of all this there’s one lousy biscuit, and it tastes like dirt. So get going. Listen: they’re howling for you now.” tell me the power of words, blog, Meredithwinn.wordpress.com

Naming things, naming our sadness, our joy, our despair and confusion makes it more real and also helps us move beyond it. I shivered when I read the piece from Meredith above. It made me want to get out my journal and write about the gritty underbelly of feelings that I keep hidden.

It brings me clarity to name what I feel, even if I’m uncomfortable admitting to those feelings. Sometimes I don’t even know how I feel until I get to the bottom of the page and look back. Ah, that’s what it was. On the outside everything may look hunky-dory, but on the journey to the self, on my inner journey, it might be a good deal rockier. And always, beyond the chattering of monkey mind, behind the breath, there is a vital core energy breathing me.

I woke up this morning, two days after Hurricane Irene blew through New York and the northeast, and felt the spaces in my body where there was pain and absence, disappointment with myself, tension and stress, unhappiness, leftover rigidity from yesterday’s shopping trip with my daughter. We are often happy together, but if there is uncertainty, difficulty or tension about details, we are both very unhappy. I was left with the feeling in my body – that I am not always a good mother, that I hate being ‘in charge’ even if I like being in control. I am supposed to be the elder, wiser one, helping her settle into her first week of a new city, new university residence, negotiating new rules, new spaces, new contacts.  But I’m navigating new territory too, beginning my own new ventures, a new website, new creative journaling classes for women, new book of poems, new non-fiction book for women in mid-life (The Tao of Turning Fifty). A lot of new’s for both of us.

Finally I went out to the health food store and bought a product called Calm, a fizzy drink with magnesium in powder form. Lovely, I thought, I need this right now. I want to be calm. I want to find that great comfy place where everything goes swimmingly well even in the unknown territories that freak me out, like filling out forms on-line to get an ISBN number. Should be simple, but what if I screw it up? Shoulders hunch up, I breathe, and try not to rush, and voila! Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Relax shoulders.

So journaling, writing, naming the blues.  I always try to be uplifting and be a friend, hand holding and breathing light into the darkness. That’s ok. But there have been many, many times, especially during the last ten years on the peri-menopausal journey, where I have not felt so sure of myself, nor centered and right. I have reached out to my sisters for help, learned EFT, done workshops, felt lots of healing moments in Retreat, and gently gently am learning to go easy on myself.

So, the gist of it is, name the little bugger that’s got you by the pants, gremlin or cranky critic or depression, despair, or fear. Hold somebody’s hand if you need to. Buy some dark chocolate and spiced tea, play some soothing music and rock yourself through it – then write it. Write about what you’re afraid to feel, to acknowledge or admit, to risk. Write as a spiritual practice to help you go deeper into the ‘why’ of what you love, and what you hate, your struggles with overwhelm and your lack of understanding. Write your way to clarity.

Your journal is a safe place to confide in, to hang out naked in, to be private and converse with angels in. To be in your body, at home with your feelings, to gradually grow in self-acceptance and love and let go of judgement and painful self-sabotage – that is beautiful.

So, I’m sure the dark corners are like boogeymen. Once you shine a light on them, once you begin to name them, they shrink and disappear.

Nameste,

Jenn

Ps what are you afraid to write about? Begin there.

Mid Life Angst and Turbulence

More than the night sweats and hot flashes, what really changed for me at menopause was my emotional landscape. I wasn't sure what the cause was, but I became hyper-sensitive. I cried easily at movies, couldn't stand to watch car crashes or bloody violence on the TV screen, I would flinch or jump at loud noises, and was generally more anxious than I remember being, especially while driving.

I would never have related this to hormone imbalance or menopause, if I hadn't read the following on the http://www.womentowomen.com website.

Here's an excerpt of the useful information I found there:

"Let’s start by looking at the root cause of anxiety — the destructive effect of stress on hormone balance.

It now seems the norm for women to be “maxed out” in all directions. Most of us work, and the workplace has gotten more demanding. Most of us raise children and help care for aging parents. We often have relationship issues that create stress too. And we are conditioned to put ourselves in last place on the list of priorities.

The type of stress is just as important as the amount. So much of the stress we experience is constant — it never goes away. The human body simply isn’t designed for constant stress. When that occurs, our ability to cope with stress can be overwhelmed. If you inventory the stress in your life you may realize that much of it is unremitting. This can give rise to a serious condition known as adrenal fatigue. It is also a cause of chronic anxiety that is often diagnosed as an anxiety disorder.

The estrogen dominance common to perimenopause probably adds to this “anxiety response.” In a normal menstrual cycle, estrogen dominates at the beginning of the cycle, and progesterone rises in the second half. The progesterone has a calming, relaxing effect. But in perimenopause we have more cycles in which we don’t ovulate, so the progesterone level stays low. (Also see our article on irregular periods.) For some women, anxiety attacks are their major symptom of perimenopause."

Add to all this the bad habits we have of jumpstarting our bodies with caffeine and eating poorly when stressed, and you have the recipe for higher levels of anxiety." www.womentowomen.org

I know many women in the same boat, with aging parents and teen-agers, full-time or part-time jobs, or sick family members that need care-taking, and very little time to care for themselves, let alone eat a healthy meal and get to bed early every night. So if you are one of those women burning the candle at both ends, don't be surprised if you feel a little raw or as if your nerves are exposed. Susun Weed, in her book The Menopausal years The Wise Woman Way says this can also come about due to our own neglect of listening in.

"You may think your feelings are out of proportion, too sharp, quite irrational, possibly insane. But, I assure you, they are only raw from neglect. Receive them without judgment, nourish them, and your 'uncontrollable' feelings during the menopausal years will lead you to the deepest heart of your own secrets.

If you cannot tolerate those about you, leave. Go to the sheltering space of your cave. Claim your Crone's Year Away."  www.susunweed.com

Here's something you can do to feel better: write about your feelings in your journal, get in touch with your buried feelings (anger, grief, loss); Sing the blues or dance it out with some salsa music. Get more sunshine - not too hard in spring and summer. Move your body out into nature and take a long, healing walk. Get a massage - you'll be surprised what emotions well up sometimes while you are lying on a massage table. If tears come, let them. Find a homeopath to help you find a remedy. There are several remedies for emotional upset, overwhelm, feelings of depression or wanting to be left alone. Homeopathy was the only remedy I needed in menopause. It's inexpensive and has no side effects.

Finally, get thyself away on a retreat! - you may not be able to take a year off from your life, but you can certainly take one or two days. Find a woman's retreat by googling it, or look in your local health food store or yoga centre. I hold women's retreats once a season, so check this blog for announcements.



A new website coming in the fall, with my book, The Tao of Turning Fifty, and updates on courses and retreats.


Take good care of you!!

Nameste,
musemother

Self Care 101

Self-care is about learning how to go:

from being busy and dizzy to being calm and centered,
from worried and stressed to safe and relaxed,
from too busy to take care of me to allowing myself what I need,

from guilt about being selfish to the deep Ahh of satisfaction,
from being on edge all the time to being calm in the belly
from feeling confused and not knowing who I am to feeling self-assured and at peace

from overworking, workaholic with no time for me to a balanced life of work love play rest
from perpetual do-gooder who can't say no to accepting my limits gracefully
from harsh unforgiving perfectionist to compassionate, gentle, caring for my body and soul,

from broken to whole
from not OK to OK

accepting my light and dark.

Do a mental checklist, a body scan right now, and find your center by slowing down your out breath. Reflect on this message: Being good to myself means......

Be good to yourself today!


nameste,
musemother/jenn

Running on Empty, Kicking the Adrenaline habit

Recently while researching relaxation exercises for my class, I came across The Art of Extreme Self-Care, by Cheryl Richardson. I had not read her before, and found the book extremely beneficial. Here are a few tips excerpted from it, adapted by me:

Let go of being General Manager of the Universe – or the Overarching Boss of Everything. Be open to receiving help, and to asking for help when you need it. This models good behaviour for your children, releases resentment at having to ‘do it all’, and lifts the weight of the world off your shoulders. (I had to break my leg before I accepted that I couldn’t do it all alone, and asked my husband for help. Don’t wait for that to happen!)

Make a list of What You Can Do to support me, and decide together where you will leave it for family members or spouse to find it. You will have to let go of controlling how and when it is done, and be ready to accept their way of doing things. Folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher, chopping veggies for supper, feeding the cats - start with the small things.

Make an Absolute No List: for instance, I no longer rush,. I no longer start the day without meditation or yoga; I no longer keep anything in my home that I don’t need or want.

Turn down the Noise in Your Life: protect your sensitivity with silence; limit your exposure to bad news on TV, in newspapers, on the radio.

Alongside the tips for Self-care on the bookshelf was Take Time for Your Life, also by the same author. In it is an exercise or little quiz to find out if you are an adrenaline junkie, plus some tips for kicking the adrenaline habit:

Kicking the Adrenaline Habit: (fight or flight syndrome)

Living on the next adrenaline rush creates a constant hum of anxiety in the body and ultimately exhausts you. Check the following statements to find out if this applies to you:

- Do you repeatedly check your email or voice mail throughout the day?
- Do you put things off to the last minute, use tight deadlines to get things done?
- Do you frequently speed when driving?
- Do you always feel pressed for time?
- Do you juggle several projects at once?
- Do you wake in the middle of the night, with thoughts racing, unable to sleep?
- Do you often forget to follow through on commitments?
- Do you double-book social engagements or appointments?
- Are you usually late for appointments?

Helpful pointers: (and note that it’s a hard habit to break)

Arrive 15 minutes early for every appointment. Write it in your agenda for earlier, and block out more time between appointments.

Stop trying to cram several things into one small space of time. This causes stress and is inefficient.

Adopt a regular Relaxation Practice on a daily basis, i.e. take a long bath with candles and music; Hang a Do Not Disturb sign on the door; Listen to guided relaxation tape before bed;

Eliminate interruptions and distractions by turning ringer off the phone, turning off the TV, putting your number on the Do Not Call list (telemarketers won’t call), clear up junk and visual clutter from your relaxation space.

Do Not Spread yourself too thin. Learn to say No and disappoint people, gently.

Be prepared for feeling antsy or bored as you shift to a calm, peaceful energy from rushing all the time. If you feel uncomfortable, you’re on the right track. Adrenaline keeps you disconnected from your feelings, the thing that makes life rich.

Most importantly, get support from a coach, friends, or group (ie women’s circle or class).

have a peaceful day,
musemother

Yummy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day blog readers!

On this bright sunny day, in mid-winter, it helps to have the colour Red be celebrated, to remind us of the heart, the life-giving pulse, the source of oxygen and energy.

And what my Heart is longing for is for me to check in more often and feel what it is longing for.

One day, this week I was lying on my carpet doing some simple yoga postures and listening to Bija, a wonderfully soothing CD.

My thirst for body connectedness and a general feeling of dissatisfaction and winter blahs had lead me to reconnect with body and breath. I didn't know what else to do, since my official escape from winter is only in 2 weeks.

I lay down in the sun on my afghan carpet, soaking in heat and light through the window. It felt good to feel the heat. Let mind focus on breath and movement. Begin to feel the well filling up.

I am not willing to be separate from myself. Bring the focus inside to breath and heart, fuel the fire, the engine, with pure fuel, not garbage (newspaper, TV, books, arguments).

I feel my passivity and crankiness leave.

I feel my heart energy awaken.

I feel thought energy move from negative worry to calm.

I feel self-critical voice shushed, (this is an old habit I can unlearn).

I practice self-awareness, self-love, self-kindness.

I stretch my body and breathe into the temple, the sanctuary of compassion.

I invite all beings close to and from far, to join me in the heart temple.

At first it feels tight, because I am afraid it isn't big enough to hold everyone. Until I remember that is is not my physical heart space or the limits of my body, but the temple is in Kwan Yin's heart, as big as the Universal Heart pumping life into all our beings.

I breathe past the fear I have that if I lie here and do nothing I will turn into a mush ball and never get up and do anything productive again.

I hang out here exploring the 'nothing', this place within, with curiosity and begin to feel acceptance, instead of the ball of anxiety in my solar plexus.

I feel so tired of moving from everyone else's impulse and always responding as if I "have to", as if I am a puppet whose strings are pulled by someone else.

I feel resistance to moving this way anymore. I feel how passive I have been, how disconnected from my own passion.

Here in the heart and hearth of my new home, in a puddle of sunlit warmth, I feel content to not go outside. I feel content to not read any books on all the subjects that have enthralled me. I feel hungry for my own truth.

Where does my candle get lit from, from which fire?

Where does my energy come from, the desire to serve the world? to feel that I am/or have something to give?

I feel content to stay with the question, until the answer comes from within.

Even if I don't know anymore what the goal is, I do know it is no longer outside me.

nameste,

musemother

Menstrual shame, body shame and sexuality

Cycles of shame: menstrual shame, body shame, and sexual decision-making

(an article about how our view of our body, our view of the menstrual cycle and our experiences around sexuality are linked)

from the Journal of Sex Research, Nov, 2005 by Deborah Schooler

Although menstruation is a natural, reproductive process, it bears a strong cultural taboo that commands that it not be seen, discussed, or in most ways, acknowledged (Kissling, 1996a; Roberts, 2004). This desire to keep menstruation secret is often paired with an attitude that menstruation is dirty and disgusting (Martin, 1996; Roberts). Many girls report shame about being seen with a menstrual product or, worse yet, about bleeding through clothing, and some adolescent girls report that they are embarrassed simply by the fact that they menstruate (Lee & Sasser-Coen, 1996; Kissling, 1996b; Roberts). These feelings are likely compounded by media portrayals of menstruation as a hygienic crisis (Havens & Swenson, 1988; Raftos, Jackson, & Mannix, 1988; Simes & Berg, 2000).

Shame about menstruation is often extended to the vagina and its surrounding areas, which are considered by many women to be unspeakable and upleasant (Braun & Wilkinson, 2001; Lee & Sasser-Coen, 1996; Reinholtz & Muehlenhard, 1995). Participants in Lee and Sasser-Coen's (1996) qualitative study spoke of menarche as an experience that "contaminated" their bodies, and their genitals in particular. Despite recent attempts to celebrate the form and function of women's anatomy, such as Eve Ensler's "Vagina Monologues," and the growing comfort some women have with their bodies, it is still common for women to feel shame about their bodies, to use euphemisms so as to avoid naming their genitals (Braun & Kitzinger, 2001), or to experience confusion about the makeup of their external genitalia (Kirby, 1998). What are the implications of feeling shame about menstruation and the body? Conversely, might women's comfort with menstruation promote well-being in other areas of their lives?

This study considers how shame about menstruation is related to sexual decision-making. Because menstruation and sexual activity often share the same intimate location on women's bodies, shame regarding menstruation might influence a woman's general approach to her sexuality. Furthermore, girls are often socialized to connect menstruation with sexuality. Many girls first learn about menstruation in sex education classes, where both menstruation and sex are presented as means to the end of procreation (Martin, 1987).

At the same time, much of early mother-daughter communication about sex focuses on menstruation (e.g., O'Sullivan, Meyer-Bahlburg, & Watkins, 2001), and likewise, much early communication about menstruation and menarche focuses on the emerging sexual potential inherent in a developing woman's body (Lee & Sasser-Coen, 1996). Because of these connections, girls' and women's attitudes about menstruation might shape their developing beliefs about sexuality and the sexual decisions they make, even when they are not menstruating.

read more (long article, another 19 pages): http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_4_42/ai_n15929177/pg_3?tag=artBody;col1

Anger and Menopause

Before having children, I was not aware of all the anger simmering inside. If it was ever provoked, it came out in tears. A situation at work or in a relationship could make me feel helpless, teary, overwhelmed, but not like hitting someone or yelling.

Once children came along the floodgates were opened. All kinds of emotions rose to the surface, comfortable happy giddy, or irritable, cranky and angry. Was it because of the hormone release in childbirth? was it because there were now vulnerable small people to take care of and I had no idea how to deal with their crying fits or tantrums? their obvious disregard for my needs? or simply because my own emotions were so raw from lack of sleep, nursing babies, being on call 24-7?

For whatever reason, it was always a shock to see my anger burst out, to find myself slamming cupboard doors, or needing to take a brisk walk around the block, get out of the house, let off steam. It felt even worse when I saw a white handprint on my 2 year old's red behind.

I needed to find out more about anger. I was part of a Babysitting Coop and Moms and tots group that welcomed speakers, so I found a psychologist to speak to us. She described anger as an iceberg, with sadness underneath the surface of the water. I saw a therapist at the university where I taught part-time and began to uncover the legacy of emotional hurts from childhood and the connection to mothering. A book was born along the way, "Little Mother".

A pattern emerged. It seemed that 3 days before menstruating, emotions were definitely peaking. As I grew closer to menopause, my episodes of PMS grew longer, more intense. I especially felt bad when I would blow up for no good reason, some small disregard of 'rules' or schedules by the children, now pre-teens. After one particular shrieking incident where I lost it completely, I began to see a family counsellor again, for help in dealing with my emotional overload. My father had just died and I was two years away from complete menopause.

Now, in reading about peri-menopause, I find references to anger as being a signal from our inner wisdom. I found another speaker on PMS, who also describes it in these terms, as an ally, a messenger, a loud voice that won't be shushed, uncovering the wounds and slights that I have shoved under the carpet the rest of the month. It's the way my inner self calls out for attention.

Instead of giving in to anger, or allowing it to control my relationships, I want to find out what is underneath these uncomfortable feelings, because although the outburts are less frequent, my children still receive the brunt of it, now that they are teens and mood swings are affecting all of us. Here is why it's important to act:

"Your emotions are your inner guidance system. Your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs have a most profound effect on your health", says Dr. Christiane Northrup. "Listen to your anger, discover the underlying issues and take action or it may turn inward and cause depression - a risk factor for heart disease, cancer and osteoporosis." (Wisdom of Menopause)

If I don't learn to speak up about what is bugging me, if I avoid conflict and confrontation and act like a people pleaser to keep harmony and balance in the household, if I allow myself to 'do too much for others', it always backfires and ends up exploding out of me anyway. Or I feel sad and not listened to, like I have no voice. This is no one's fault but mine. It estranges me from the people I want to be close to.

When I am courageous and say what I feel, when I stop hiding my real emotions from others, and simply state what I need in a non-threatening tone, I am surprised by the change this provokes in others. We find a closeness, a connection that is nourishing. It may be that my programming for serving others first gets in the way of my truth-speaking. Maybe I can let go of 'feeling selfish' about staying in bed one morning instead of getting up to make coffee and toast for fully grown people who know how to work the coffee machine and the toaster....

There are so many ways I want to practice being true to myself, allowing myself to feel what I feel. In this role of 'housewife' and mother that I am growing out of....in the perfectionist attitude that doesn't allow me to focus on my own work because I might be a bad mother....in the limiting belief that my joy, my expression of creativity is less important because it doesn't bring in as much money.

Menopause has taught me a lot about myself. It is the 'mother of all wake-up calls' as Dr. Northrup puts it. The emerging self is crying out for its own needs to be met. The solution is to learn to take better care of myself, find a balance between caring for others and caring for me.

"In truth, you are being urged, biologically, to pause from everyone - from mankind in general - in order to do important work on yourself.... [one of the most common feelings is] "the longing for time alone, for a refuge that provides peace, quiet and freedom from distractions and demands.

"Even if you can't charter a plane to a deserted island, odds are that if you acknowledge and validate your need for solitude then you can clear some time and find a private corner to which to retreat daily." [away from telephones, noise, interaction with others]

This has been my medicine for anger: to rock my soul, soothe my body and mind, with precious time alone. It's not just for the hermit in me, but a good practice.

nameste,
musemother

The Good Body

Have you read The Good Body by Eve Ensler, of Vagina Monologues fame?

I picked it up a year ago, read it rather cursorily, put it down. This year, last week in fact on the way to New York, I read it again. It packs quite a punch. Short extract:

I'm walking down a New York City street, and I catch a glimpse of this blond, pointy-breasted, raisin-a-day stomached smiling girl on the cover of Cosmo magazine. She is there every minute, somewhere in the world, smiling down on me, on all of us. She's omnipresent. She's the American Dream, my personal nightmare. Pumped straight from the publishing power plant into the bloodstream of our culture and neurosis. She is multiplying on every corner.

She was passed through my mother's milk and so I don't even know that I'm contaminated. Don't get me wrong, I pick up the magazines. No, no, no. It's the possibilty of being skinny good that keeps me buying. Oh, God, I discover a Starbucks maple walnut scone expanding in me, creeping out. Flabby age leaking through the cracks. Big Macs, French fries, Pizza Land, four helpings, can't stop. My stomach is America. I want to drown in the cement. Obviously, I'm missing something. Maybe if I go and find the woman who thought this up she'll reveal the secret."

then follows a fictionalized interview with Helen Gurley Brown, editor of Cosmo magazine.
Eighty years old, one hundred sit-ups twice a day, I'm down to ninety pounds!

Why am I telling you this? inside of every woman who finds her menstrual cycle a nuisance is probably a woman who hates at least part of her body, if not every part. Someone once told me I had nice hands, and I thought, well at least there's something attractive about me! (I was 18)

Thirty-five years later, I like myself a lot better, but the body landscape has been transformed. No longer size 6, or under 120 lbs, no longer being teased for being a toothpick basically. No danger of that today, and the photo of me you see on this blog is probably 15 years old....so you have no idea! And no, I will not be having plastic surgury anytime soon, no matter how many wrinkles creep up on me.

Let's just say, that this good body has been supporting me and my work (as if they were separate, huh!) for 53 years now. In spite of my negligence and lack of care, too busy being in my head to listen to my body. Look, I just had lunch at 4:00 pm - stuff gets in the way of eating, and I'm hypoglycemic. My hubby and daughter finally said, do us all a favour and eat! (crankiness major indicator of hunger).

What is it about this 'inconvenience' called a physical body that our mind doesn't get? One can't live on words alone, on books and newspapers and magazines and blogs and ideas, no matter how fascinating these may be.

Help yourself by grounding once in a while, I tell myself, by getting up off the computer and stretching, by walking the dog, patting the cat, making myself a salad or a bowl of soup, looking out the window and unkinking the neck....and yes, breathing helps too.

Take care of this body, of these emotions, these foreign feelings that take up your/my time. Be kind to yourself/myself. What you bless flourishes, what you criticize or curse falters.

Believe in the body's goodness, and it will be good, to you.
best,
jenn

listening to the body

For many years now I have been fascinated with the connection between the emotions and the body. It started when I broke my writing arm just before having to submit a portfolio to the Master's Program in Creative Writing. I wondered, why the right arm, and why at that specific time - was I manifesting fear, uncertainty about moving ahead into my gifts and talents?

Then after being in the Master's program for 6 years, having two babies and working part-time, I broke my leg skiing. It seemed an obvious message: time to rest. Other benefits arose, speaking up about my need for help with the kids, the house; stopping the 'too busy' syndrome so I could slow down and feel what I was feeling. I started teaching classes about what I needed to learn: listening to the body.

Menopause has been one of those lesson learning times as well. Hot flashes were not so bad, but the emotional roller-coaster and two weeks of PMS a month during peri-menopause lead me into therapy to understand my anxiety and anger. I started discovering how shut down my feelings were, where I was numb, where I was deaf to my own grief.

Now my kids are teens, and their emotional roller coaster drags me up and down, when I am not grounded enough to stay 'zen'. I'm still learning about the emotions and the energy that is blocked in the body. Once in a massage session, as the masseuse touched my legs, I burst into tears, sobbing for no apparent reason, at least not connected to my emotions of that day, but of something ancient buried in the muscles.

I was reminded of this while researching some material for a class on Sexuality, Entering the Mystery, this morning:

"Our feelings carry energy - the need to cry or laugh, to move and touch, to express anger or tender feelings of the heart. If this energy is held back, it is stored in the body, particularly in the muscles that form the layer between the body's core and its surface. Often, in relaxing our muscles, buried conflicts and memories and similar kinds of blocked emotional energy start to emerge from the subconscious. This happens when, for instance, people start an exercise program or receive a deep massage - tears may flow, memories may come flooding in, unnamed fears may surface." Margo Anand, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy

It also happens when you make love sometimes. The few times I have burst into tears or laughter after sex, it has felt like a huge release, a healing energy sweeping the body and cleaning up the past.

So, a thought for the day. How can I let go into feeling, not always control my body with my head?

Perhaps menopausal symptoms are signals about buried feelings, lost dreams, old hurts and joys. Get a massage, let down your body armour, become a lover of your body.

Loosen up! move, dance, sing, cry....
musemother