Women's bodies and their wisdom

Just read a very deep post from Roots of She http://www.rootsofshe.com/ about a young girl's first experience of sex, as an invasive assault camouflaged of course as 'older man initiating young girl'.

I am stalled on writing some of my own stories of not only losing my virginity but losing my self to nonconsensual sexual encountners more than once - by not speaking up for myself, by looking for love in all the wrong places, by not knowing the boundaries of my own self, by not feeling empowered enough as a woman to say, Stop, not ready to go there. By thinking it was cool, and hip, and of course it was the sexual revolution in 1970 something and being a good little Catholic girl, I was breaking out of the mold, longing to be a rebel.

Hah! lessons learned, yes, water under the bridge, and sexual politics and games are still going on between men and women. People in power use sex to control those they see as younger, weaker, easy to manipulate for their own ends. What's love got to do with it? very little, in those kinds of situations.

Women's bodies and their wisdom : yes, lately been seeking treatment for muscle tightness that lead me to do some Rolfing with a therapist, and begin to see the relation between the muscles that hold in our emotions and freeze, and need retouching with gentle art and therapy to loosen up and breathe again.  Reading The Wild Feminine, http://www.wildfeminine.com/wild-feminine-book/ I learned that even the muscles in the uterus and vagina, especially those muscles, are connected to our bodies' wisdom at the core of a woman.  Did you know you could dialogue with those hidden places? Would you dare to even touch yourself there and find out how much your divine feminine sexuality is alive and well? Doing Kegels is another way to get back in touch with those lost parts.

In my journaling class, we do a dialogue with different body parts. We give them names ( a little along the lines of the Vagina Monologues). They speak up and let us know what they are feeling, where the hurts and joys are. It's a really good exercise to free up some subconscious 'stuff', some holding on. What is your story? are you ready to hear your body's wisdom? are you ready to reclaim your feminine power?

I named my uterus Famine and Abundance. I had two miscarriages, so there was a period of seven years that felt like Famine, longing for a pregnancy that would hold. Then there was abundance,, two gorgeous babies 19 months apart, with so much golden light and love in them.

I bet you could come up with a name for your female parts too - or do a dialogue with your hands - what do they do for you? how do they please you with the sense of touch? your feet that carry you everywhere, have you thanked them lately?

let's honour the feminine wisdom and honour the body's gifts. And begin to heal the lost places....and hear our own stories.

Musemother/Jenn
www.jenniferboire.com

Letter to a Teenage daughter on Sexuality and Love

This is one of my most popular posts, -  I did write the letter after posting this a few years ago, and never included the full version - so ladies and mothers and girls, here it is. Feel free to use it as a model for your own letter. Musemother

Dear Daughter (insert name here)

Wow! You’re already fifteen.

And what I want to tell you is how important it is for you as a girl to know how to trust your body's instincts, and also protect that. I wish I could say that the world has changed since I was a teenager, but unfortunately, there are still double standards in our society that do not honour female sexuality. Advertising and fashion encourage young girls to be sexy and desirable, and yet societyalso  punishes them for acting on their desires. I know it was confusing for me. I lost my virginity at age 15, almost 16, under dubious circumstances not entirely of my own choosing. A lot of it was peer pressure, from friends thinking it was ‘time’ for me. I know these are not the same times, (the 70’s, sex drugs and rock’n roll) and you are not me. Most likely your experience will be very different, but there is still lots of pressure on girls to ‘give out’, to ‘give in’, or to go too fast.

I think the important thing is to cultivate respect for your body, to have good boundaries, to know your own limits and what you feel ready to experience. I guess go slow is the best way to put it. Don’t let anyone else be in the driver’s seat – that’s where you are.

You may not be thinking about this yet, but I'd like to tell you that being a virgin is a good thing, in spite of what other people may tell you. Having sex is about choice, your choice, your timing, not your friends' timing or a boy’s timing. 

You should know that oral sex is still sex, and girls often feel it’s degrading to provide this as some kind of service to boys who give little or nothing in return, not to mention the risk of disease, herpes, etc. I hope you also know that the cachet of being popular does not make it worth it. You already know about the dangers of drinking and drugs - how a girl must always keep her head together, because alcohol and pot lower her resistance, loosen her inhibitions and her common sense (which you have loads of, but everyone loses it sometimes, under social pressures). 

It seems unfair, but it’s still the girls who have to keep their heads on straight, even if their emotions and desire are pulling them to experiment sexually. There are lots of ways to get close and have an intimate connection with someone (or with yourself), that don’t involve penetration or getting pregnant.

Women/girls make love for different reasons than boys I think. Heaven knows there are lots of sensitive boys and men out there, but our needs are more emotional - we bond quickly, we fall in love easily, without necessarily being ready to give of ourselves fully in that way. Sometimes our generous natures can work against us and we give too much away. Making love forges emotional links, little threads of love and need get woven into our psyches from us to the other person. We can't break those bonds as easily as some guys can. We expect our love to be returned and it's not always forthcoming.

I know I can't protect you from heartbreak, but as your mom, I want you to honour your own knowing, your own limits, and feel your own self-worth. You are worthy of all the love, honour and respect a person can give you.

Remember that you are the guardian of your soul’s temple, this body you have been given, and always let your intuition and inner knowing guide you. I hope you will feel comfortable talking about this, when the day comes, if you need help.

Love, your Mom

Mothers and Sons

OK so I've never written a blog about my son yet. but here's a good reason to for one:

A letter to my son who is heading off to Europe with his buddies for 3 weeks.

We know you are a responsible, wonderful almost 19 year old, and don't need advice from your parents, but here goes anyway:

Don't keep all your money on you, even in the money belt. Either lock it in a locker, or keep it at home in your bank account and use your Visa card or interac card to access it through a bank machine. They're everywhere.

Do keep your wits about you, and have a map so you can find your way home, even if your faculties are slightly impaired (you know what I'm talking about!)

It is a myth that 5 guys stoned or drunk are equal to one guy sober and aware. Travel in groups is wise, but being conscious of one's surroundings is even more useful.

Don't pack the beer bong.

Mom and Dad would love to come rescue you, but you pay our flight costs if we do!

Enjoy some museums and cultural stuff too, it's not all about the open drug laws in Amsterdam.

Explore, enjoy, and come back home safe and sound, that's all we ask!

This is a trip you will remember all your life, with memories galore, pictures on facebook, but don't forget to email us when you change cities. We are still attached at the umbilical cord, until you leave home for good (and even then....)

your loving parents,
mom and dad
ps I packed some condoms with your toothpaste - don't leave home without it

Prom, Teens and Sex

We're driving home after dance class when m 16 1/2 year old daughter tells me she has booked a space for her after-prom, downtown. So I ask if the limousine is going to stick around and drive them home afterwards. No, but that's ok, she said, we're booking a hotel room.

I rapidly look over at her, and back on the road: What? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you staying in a hotel room by yourselves.

Why not? it's just a bunch of girls.....(shifty look, sideways glance)

Can you look me in the eye and tell me there will be no boys there? I ask outright.

Mom! of course the girls with boyfriends will have them there, but no one else would be trashy enough to do that. What are you so upset about? Don't you trust me? I'm not some kind of whore....

What is it that bothers me? the fact that you're 16 and still a virgin....and by the way, not only trashy girls or whores enjoy having sex.

(we continue to argue for a while about the trust issue, about whether it's her or the situation I don't trust, then shelve the conversation for later, with her dad, who is infinitely calmer than I am).

Am I being too overprotective? perhaps. Did her brother have a prom night, a limo, and an afterprom party? yes, but he came home with the limo driver at 2 am and I met him in the kitchen - I had supplied a bottle of champagne for their after-party, and although he was a little soused, he was still standing, and not too ill. His date had left at midnight (probably a coach turning into a pumpkin, or a limo into a volkswagen rabbit). Is it different for girls? yes!

How to protect our daughters from unwanted sex from inebriated young guys on the look-out for easy pickings is probably the fear behind my protectiveness.

Was I sexually active before 18? you bet. It was the 70's after all. But these days, girls are giving oral sex as easily as a goodnight kiss, according to one author quoted in the Globe & Mail newspaper yesterday. (www.globeandmail.com/life) Sharlene Azam has made a documentary about the ease with which some girls 'empower themselves' by gaining male attention through sex. Some are even exchanging sex for money, although they don't want to call it prostitution.

Of course, we have a responsibility towards our sons too, to teach them the value of healthy sex versus what they see in movies and on internet porn. Somewhere out there our values as a society have become very twisted - between 'real' life and 'movie' life the lines are blurred. How does a girl/young woman really want to be treated? does she want to be thrown away like a used kleenex? (apparently father-less girls are more at risk, but mothers cannot bury their heads in the sand and pretend they don't see what's going on)

Girls may think they can have sex without consequences, without needing caring and affection in return, but they are misguided. It usually ends with a feeling of being used, of emptiness. We have it built into us to make bonds, create lasting relationships, not casual hook-ups.

I haven't decided yet what to tell my daughter - I need to discuss it calmly and rationally with her father - but we will be talking openly about self-esteem, self-love, alcohol and boundaries. Two close relatives of mine had teen pregnancies, and I suppose I am too aware that once is all it takes. Not to mention all the other consequences of unprotected sex....

I welcome any comments or helpful advice from readers on this touchy topic,

musemother

Mothers and Daughters Sex Talk 101

How many times have you wished you could broach the topic of sex with your teenaged daughter, only to shy away at the last minute, or have her give you the yucky face and walk out of the room if you bring it up.

Here are some salient points from Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup, (chapter on Love and sex, Aphrodite Rising) which may make it easier.

“The good news is that whenever a mother has the courage to heal the unhealthy patterns in her own life, her daughter is likely to benefit as well. What it may have taken a mother half a lifetime to become conscious of, her daughter may learn in a much shorter period of time.” all quotes from Mother Daughter Wisdom

“Good self-esteem sets the stage for healthy relationships with boys --and everyone else!”

Good advice: “If a guy tells you he needs you and can’t live without you, run the other way!”

Wisdom Challenge: Make sure your daughter is protected from STDs or pregnancy; if you are not ready to talk about it openly yourself, make sure she is given the necessary information and protection (whenever she asks for it) by her doctor.

Knowledge is Power: Teens need to know about their own fertility cycle, not just about condoms and birth control. i.e. when pregnancy is most likely to occur.

“A good first step in helping your daughter understand the way in which her sexual being is ultimately an expression of the divine life force is through a discussion of her menstrual cycle. By the age of fourteen most girls will be quite familiar with the mechanics of the cycle- though it’s always good to review it with them, for example when in the cycle they ovulate, for how long do they remain fertile, and so forth. But beyond the mechanics, you need to make sure they know something about the meaning of the menstrual cycle.

“The life force that governs the menstrual cycle is the same life force that governs the waxing and the waning of the moon and the ebb and flow of the tides.” Our bodies are part of this miracle.

Northrup says, the menstrual cycle governs the flow not only of bodily fluids but also of mood and creativity. One thing a conscious mom can do is to encourage her daughter to observe how she feels at different times during her cycle, emotionally and spiritually as well as physically. For example, she may notice that her energy, creativity and libido are full speed ahead at ovulation. And she may notice that she becomes far more inward and introspective just before her period is due.

This mirrors the creative process – at times we have high energy versus down times to incubate a project. Following her cycle will help her develop trust and respect for her body by paying attention to inner processes.

Feeling Safe: Let her know that her body is her own and that oral sex is sex.

“A girl needs to understand that her self-worth cannot be enhanced in any sustainable way by engaging in sexual activity with a partner who has only a physical connection with her.”

Tell her not to let herself be pressured to have sex just to gain status. “Girls may think they’re proving themselves the equals of boys by emulating them in their sexual behavior, ….[but] this culture values males more highly than females”. Our culture still treats females with loose sexual behaviour as ‘ho’s.

Oral sex is degrading for girls, since it is not usually reciprocal. Instead, it’s seen as a service girls provide for boys – what are they getting in return? Fleeting attention of a boy and an increased risk of STD’s. (The recent rise in STD’s among teens is due in part to increase in oral sex practices). The double standard is alive and well.

On the positive side, girls need to know healthy ways of dealing with sexual impulses.
They should not be taught to feel guilty about their sexual desires. Self-pleasuring is a safe and effective way for girls to deal with sexual energy, until a loving committed sexual relationship comes along. Orgasm is good for her bodily health and vitality. This same life force can also express itself in art, music, literature, scientific breakthroughs and doing good works.

Overview: What all Adolescent Girls need to know about Sex:

How to value themselves and their bodies, including their capacity for pleasure
The sexuality-spirituality connection of the feminine cycle
The facts about both male and female sexual anatomy
The facts about how to prevent pregnancy and protect oneself against sexually transmitted disease.

Some interesting statistics from a study in New Zealand:

The average age for first sexual intercourse was sixteen
54 % of women wish they had waited longer.
Curiosity was the main reason for virginity loss in 27 % of women and 35% of men.
7 % of women felt forced into their first experience.
15% of women were in love at the time.
10% of women and men admitted to being a little drunk at the time.
30% of women said the act was ‘on the spur of the moment’.

This certainly reflects my own teen-aged experience : lots of peer pressure, curiosity, fuelled by wanting to not be 'square', and a little too much alcohol. I highly recommend this book for every mother wanting to understand her relationship with her daughter.

Help your daughter be prepared. Arm her with knowledge, and if it's appropriate share your own stories with her.

nameste,
musemother

Letter to a teenage daughter

I'd like to ask for your help, from anyone reading this blog.

My daughter is entering the Maiden phase, has just hit puberty in the last year, and will soon be fifteen. That's the age I lost my virginity at, under dubious circumstances not entirely of my own choosing. Peer pressure had a lot to do with it, and hippy communes (hmmm, that story may come out later if I ever write that autobiography....)

So what I want help with is: how to let a daughter know how to trust her budding body's sexuality, and yet protect her from losing herself; how to teach her to trust her instincts in a world of double standards which does not honour female sexuality, yet encourages attractiveness and desireability in girls. How to teach her respect for her body, and boundary making?

I'd like to write her a letter, and tell her that being a virgin is a good thing, that sex is about choice, her choice not her friends' timing. I want to let her know that oral sex is sex, and that it's often degrading for girls to provide this as some kind of service to boys who give little or nothing in return, not to mention the risk of disease, herpes, etc. Being popular does not make it worth it. And then, alcohol - how a girl must keep her head together, because alcohol lowers her resistance, loosens her inhibitions and her common sense.

Women/girls make love for different reasons than boys I think. Maybe I'm wrong, there are lots of sensitive boys and men out there, but our needs are more emotional - we bond quickly. We make links, little spider threads of love and need get woven into our psyches when we make love. We can't break those bonds as easily. We expect reciprocity and it's not always forthcoming. I know I can't protect her from heart break, but as her mother, I want her to feel like she knows her own limits, her own self-worth.

So, for all these reasons, I need your advice - write me if you can, with your story, or how you let your daughters know about the joys and pitfalls of becoming a sexual being.

many thanks,
musemother