Speaking My Truth

One of my favourite things is to collect inspiring quotes and post them on Musemother facebook page. It's something innate in me I guess, the need to share immediately what I find, especially if its a resource or article or quote that has helped me and could help someone else find clarity or understanding.

The one I picked a few days ago was about integrity:  
Living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you know you deserve in relationships, asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might lead to conflict or tension... Barbara de Angelis.

It's a theme that is popping up in my life in different places, in not always comfortable ways. Speaking my truth, even though it might cause conflict - is not my strong point. Or else, I speak my truth but in a strong bossy voice that precludes any acceptance or trust from the another party.  Or I leave the room, slam a door, withdraw and retreat. How can I ask for what I need, and make choices based on what I believe, and still keep in harmonious relationship with others? Can I live with someone close to me not agreeing with my choices? It's time to put that baby to bed - you can't please everyone around you by being plasticene bendy.

Really, the ego self just wants the world to go exactly my way, the way I want it. I would love to control the universe, but that's just a fantasy.  My kids are very good at deflating that balloon. They don't want to be controlled, they want respect and trust, and even sometimes to talk about how they feel. They tell me flat out when I'm too bossy. And I need to really listen to what they are telling me.

So Living with integrity could also be about listening, really hearing what my significant others are saying to me, really standing in my own heart space and hearing them, even if I disagree. Sometimes not speaking up would honour my integrity more. Making choices about when and where to speak, when to hold council, when to hold the silence.  Allow people to come onto my island and not meet them with walls, arrows and all my defenses. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and still know what I know to be true.

I pulled a card today to help guide me in my discussions with a friend, and it was an angel card about the Heart Chakra, or heart energy. About coming from a place of love, really hearing what the other party says. My inner child is challenged by authority, by strong voices, by disagreements. But I want to soothe her enough that she will stick around, stay open, not run away at the first sign of tension or conflict.  Breathing into my own heart, standing by my heart with a firm intention to stay grounded. Stay true to me, and true to the moment. I cannot give up on myself, I cannot withdraw and retreat anymore.  I felt vulnerable and shakey but I breathed through it, and I tried to listen.

I want to learn more about integrity and speaking my truth, that's all I can say right now. Bottling things up and letting them explode in unexpected ways and places, is not a healthy option.

nameste,

jenn/musemother