Daring Greatly begins
with a quote: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how
the strong man stumbles…the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the
arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly;
who errs, who comes short again and again…”
Theodore Roosevelt, 1910
We may know on one level that to be human means to be
vulnerable – that it’s not a weakness but a way of exposing ourselves to
learning and growth, daring to make mistakes, and engaging in what is
meaningful in spite of risks, yet how many of us really feel comfortable living
from a vulnerable place?
This book is about encouraging leaders, teachers, parents
and everyone to find our courage, compassion and connection to other people
through the power of vulnerability. As Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for
connection.” Creativity and innovation,
good parenting, leadership, all rely on our ability to not use shaming,
bullying and blaming as methods to distance ourselves from difficult emotions,
or for getting the most out of our children or employees, at home or in organizations.
Vulnerability involves showing up, letting ourselves be
really seen, and knowing that our basic worthiness is not in question. However,
as Brown asserts, the challenge is great; it does require ‘daring greatly’
because our society in general makes us feel “never good enough, perfect
enough, thin enough, successful enough, smart enough” – a lot of which comes
from media-driven visions of perfection, or nostalgia for the good old days.
Our fear and discomfort with vulnerability become judgment
and criticism – we run away from uncomfortable feelings; but vulnerability is
also what we need to experience love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and
hope. If we think of feeling as a weakness, then we shut down, disengage, we don’t
dare ask for help, share an unpopular opinion, or stand up for ourselves.
That’s where the power of vulnerability comes in.
The most significant barrier to creativity and innovation is
the fear of ridicule, and fear of failure and of being wrong. Yet without
feeling safe enough to take risks and live with uncertainty, we can’t have real
innovation and creativity. In her
chapter on leaders, Brown describes how being comfortable with vulnerability
can actually increase creativity and innovation – if bosses feel they have to
know everything, and always be ‘in charge’, it makes employees feel they are
‘less than’ or smaller than. Thus, shame and fear lead to lack of innovation
because there isn’t a safe environment to make mistakes in.
“We can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love,
belonging and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again,” says Brown. Shame
resilience allows us to acknowledge the hurt or disappointment, but not be
devastated by it. We see our courage. We dare to stay connected to our emotions
and to others in spite of feeling pain or rejection. We practice critical
awareness.
Brown posits that ‘self-love is a prerequisite to loving
others’. It gives you the courage to show up and be vulnerable, open up to
love. Because we fear disconnection, being unlovable and not belonging, we work
sixty hours a week, or get involved with affairs or addictions…we begin to
unravel. Her solution: own up to your failures and fears; show up, be
vulnerable and courageous enough to love and support ourselves and each other.
Be real, in other words. Like the Velveteen Rabbit kind of real. Remove the
mask, stop pretending we’re invulnerable, and remove the armour, the
self-protection. Practice being ‘enough’.
It’s good to be reminded that the cracks are where the light
gets in, as Leonard Cohen sings. The book ends with Brown’s strategy or game
plan: to change the culture by opening up a discussion on what we lose when we
shut down, disengage and lead from fear, and power-over, using shaming, blaming
and bullying techniques to get our own way and how this ultimately affects
families, schools, and corporations.
Imagine if we built a corporate culture or instilled family
values of being honest and open about our emotions. This would encourage giving
honest feedback and allowing room for growth and engagement. Growth and
learning are uncomfortable, so it can be expected, and then accepted, which reduces
shame, anxiety, and fear.
I believe, like Brene Brown, that the change will begin in
families, at home, with our children. It begins when we show up honestly and
courageously to have the difficult discussions, show our emotions and not
pretend to know it all or armor up. “Have the courage to be imperfect,
vulnerable and creative.”
I highly recommend this book, and if you can’t manage to
read it, watch her Ted talk at www.TED.com
Reviewed by Jennifer Boire
