10 Ways to Navigate Mid-life Smoothly

It's hard to live through any transition but Menopause is a real Trickster! Follow these tips to smooth out the rocky ride.

1.   Sleep when you’re tired and don’t feel guilty. Banish guilt. Take naps.

2.   Do one thing at a time and breathe:  Your brain can only focus on one thing at a time, so stop, take a few deep centering breaths and reconnect to the parasympathetic nervous system. Feel each out-breath grow longer than the in-breath. This brings you into deeper resonance with the rhythms of your body, slows your heart rate and allows your mind to unhook from anxiety or worry.

3.   Say NO more often; release perfectionism. Learn to say, I have enough, I do enough, I am enough. — Sark

4.   Get away – time alone is the #1 thing most mid-life women crave.

5.   Discover the power of doing nothing. Rest, hot baths, alone time, retreats, mini-retreats in your home – lower anxiety and regenerate energy.

6.   Listen to your inner Bitch Goddess – don’t stuff your anger, and don’t dump it on others. Write it in your journal. Rock your anger like a crying baby.

7.   Cultivate your own IGS (inner guidance system) by listening to your body’s needs for healthy food, rest, exercise, connection with others. Be Present.

8.   Mothering Ourselves: stop stretching yourself too thin. MAKE A LIST of things you can do for yourself. If you want to feel cherished and appreciated, start by cherishing and appreciating yourself. Speak up and ask for what you need. For example, write yourself a prescription for rest if you are tired.

9.   Fifty is Feisty. Change your mindset. Find the 10 best things about menopause. Celebrate being 50+. These are the best years!

10.                 Creativity: find what you love and do it. Use Journaling or SoulCollage® to discover where you are now, what your heart desires, get into Flow. Take some down time to rediscover what makes your heart sing. Do something just for the fun of it. Your joy is waiting for you!

first published on MindBodyGreen under 10 Ways to Celebrate Aging at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-6335/10-Ways-to-Celebrate-Aging.html

Jennifer Boire, MA, www.jenniferboire.com, author of The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know, Follow Musemother on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

"None of us needs instruction in how to recognize what our heart is saying. We do need guidance, however, on how to have the courage to follow those feelings, since they will force us to change our lives in any case. But consider the consequences of not listening to the heart's guidance: depression, confusion, and the wretched feeling that we are not on our life's true path, but viewing it from a distance." — Caroline Myss 

Busy Mothers at Mid-Life

How are you? 

Busy! is the proud reply.

How we love to brag about how tired we are, how full our calendars are, how overfull our lives are.

But it's killing us, too.

Thomas Merton calls it a form of violence:

 "The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence."

And women seem particularly prone to this over-doing, over-giving. It's as if all our lives we've been praised for being busy, for you know what your mother said, idle hands are the devil's workshop. That's an old adage, but this drive for constant productivity has at its root a fear of laziness, a fear of the dreamer, the impractical one described in Aesops' fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper. The hard-working ant stored food away for winter, and worked hard to provide for the hard times, while the lazy grasshopper fiddled and played and sang, and starved once the cold weather arrived.

We have taken that message so much to heart in our busy culture that we can't allow ourselves to rest! Busy bees, busy ants, constantly moving, doing, connecting and creating. Except that at mid-life, the battery starts to run down. The wear and tear shows not only on the joints, but on the soul. We need a little more R&R, or the sabbatical day of the week to be brought back. Add to that, a tech-free zone where no one can reach us.

In her book, Overwhelmed, author Brigid Schulte makes the case that mothers have the least leisure time at all. In an interview in the Globe and Mail yesterday, she says we do it because it makes us look like 'a good woman" - look how busy I am. I'm putting myself last. 

She remarks that even our leisure time is spent driving kids to soccer games or carpooling. True leisure time is when you have time for yourself, to refresh, connect with your inner longings and desires, or simply sit and read a book, time you have a choice in what you do.  (read the article http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/too-busy-to-live-in-a-contemporary-world/article17758066/) 

So what can we do? downgrade our expectations of how much we can get done in one day. Strike 2-4 items off the endless to-do list, and be satisfied. Learn to say, I am enough, I do enough, I am enough!

Push back against the constant pressure to be busy! allow your inner creativity to come out and daydream a little. Give yourself some down time to do what you love. Explore why you don't even know what you love to do anymore. Get off the Guilt Train. That old feeling that it's never enough, never good enough, and pat yourself on the back a little more often.

Mothers at mid-life have many stressors and lots of 'things' to do. But they need a day off too! Give yourself that, at the very least. Let the laundry sit in the basket one more day, and get outside for a walk, listen to the birds. 

I'm headed out there now, while the sun is shining!

Musemother/jenn

 

The Tao of Turning 60

What does it mean to turn 60? Since I’ve written the book on turning fifty, and am now 59, it seems people want to ask me, what about the tao of turning 60? Will you write that book. If I do, what would I write about?

The celebration of the journey from baby to young girl to youth to young married wife to student and writer and mother, then menopause and wise woman, teacher and facilitator? Might be a place to start, by feeling grateful. Instead of what I have done mostly all my life, complain complain complain about the hardships, the curves thrown at me, the things that have not turned out the way I wanted.

It was not without adventure that I set out on this journey, born eldest of eight children in a small house in the country that quickly grew too cramped. Little mother, helper and caretaker, house cleaner, house mother, secretary, poet, writer and proofreader, volunteer and organizer, communicator… oh the roles I have played, cook and breastfeeder, birther and nurse, playful sister and overarching boss of everything.

But turning sixty is not to look forward in fear and loathing of getting older, but in celebration of all that came before. Failures as well as successes. Forks in the road, unexpected turns, returns and circling back as well as moving sideways and forwards, crab-like. Ok there are wrinkles and aching joints and stiffness, but some of that is within my control and there’s no point complaining.

I want the comfort and grounding of the continuing present, as the circular spiral path of my life continues;  I am not looking ahead so much (although there is a part of me that is reassured by money in the bank account once my husband and provider retires). Physically I want to remain strong and active, so I know there is work to do, or ‘fun’ to have, in yoga, walking, zumba and dance. Some stretching and relaxing of overused muscles, some breathing and centering in meditation and yoga. A lot of letting go.

My heart has grown and stretched too – to the new babies that come along in the extended family as nephews and nieces marry and grow their families. We are 25 on each side! And still growing. 

My heart also stretches towards new friendships and women I meet in classes, lectures and retreats. I am learning, still taking classes, stretching my inner growth in rites of passage training and women’s circles and creative exercises. Life is too short to stand still and become cemented in one spot. My roots move with me, I am a dancing tree who feels connected by my underground spores to all the trees around me.

Sixty may bring health challenges, but I am conscious and aware of how my diet, exercise and movement or lack of it affect my health. I can only do what I can do, stay in the middle ground, not get caught up in extreme health fads, but listen to my body’s guidance. My emotional health needs care to – can I listen and embrace sorrow, sadness, joy, grief and happiness? Conflict with children and spouses or friends? It gets easier the older I am. I know that I am flawed, and fabulous, but can I allow others their flaws too, without hope of changing them? Acceptance and compassion are life lessons I am learning, loving kindness not only towards the self but to others, less judgment (oh that is an easy trap to fall into), less shame and blame, and more laughter and reassurance.

 Good company, flexibility and awareness. I don’t know what else I want – a bit of travel, but not too much. New vistas, but mostly, a comfortable home that reflects colours and fabrics and spaces I love to be in, and the added comfort in knowing my own center travels with me everywhere.

I may have Ireland, Italy, Provence, Australia and the wilder side of ancient Persia and China on my bucket list, as well as the barren landscapes of Arctic and Newfoundland, but I am patient and not in a hurry. My own backyard has treasures that have not been uncovered completely. I can explore this new inner landscape of meeting women at lectures and in public, women who have the same need for understanding their journey, the whys and wherefores of creative transformation at mid-life.

I am enjoying this 59^th year, and am in no rush to move ahead, but as life is moving, always, I need to stay flex and move along with the current of this river – with curiosity and awareness, alert, relaxed and trusting. One day at a time.

I do look forward to seeing grandchildren, to growing older with my ‘chum’ and husband, to seeing more family added to our tree. A bountiful harvest then, that is what turning 60 means to me.

A bountiful, beautiful orchard full of ripe trees and juicy fruit. And feeling loved and held in the center of it. Community, family, and love.

namaste

Musemother

Jennifer's Crazy Wild Adventure in Virtual Blog Touring

Day 5 of the Blog Tour is at MinniePauz, a site with a sense of humour!

http://minniepauz.com/reading/guest-articles/mid-life-moms-and-the-hot-flash-clash

and yesterday, Day 4 I had a great interview with Sahara at Literary Diva:

here's the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/diva29/2014/03/13/literary-diva-presents-author-jennifer-boire#.UyEh5-Y4m30.email


Day 4's blog post was at Sensibly Selfish: http://sensiblyselfish.com/ Self Care is Your Medicine.

Day 3's post: http://www.menopausegoddessblog.com/2014/03/12/menopausal-journey-a-rite-of-passage/
Menopause Goddess is a great site, full of interesting facts and articles.

Day 2's blog was over at Morgen Bailey's Writing Blog, about all things for writers. 5 Tips for Creative Self-Care is a post everyone can relate to, not just menopausal women:
http://morgenbailey.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/guest-post-5-tips-for-creative-self-care-at-mid-life-by-jennifer-boire/

Have a great weekend. I'm ready for a break from blogging! headed out to the lake and snow.

Musemother/Jenn

Blog Tour Day 2 Morgen Bailey

Hey folks and readers,

if you're following along, the blog tour is on Day two, at Morgen Bailey's blog for writers:

http://wp.me/p18Ztn-8xA a

Here are the Facebook links for today and yesterday on Book Marketing Services and on The Tao of Turning Fifty:

Giveaway, Day 1 and Day 2 –

https://www.facebook.com/BookMarketingServices

https://www.facebook.com/TheTaoOfTurningFifty?ref=br_tf

don't forget to enter the Giveaway contest to win great prizes.

and please leave a comment on the blog posts or 'like' and share them, if you find it of interest!

thanks for playing with me this week!

jennifer

Blog Tour Starts at Menopause Chit Chat

have a look see over at this great website and resource for Menopausal Women

http://menopausechitchat.com/2014/03/the-tao-of-turning-fifty-an-interview-with-jennifer-boire.html

Day One of Book blog tour

let me know how you like the interview,

xxx

Jennifer/Musemother

www.jenniferboire.com

MEDIA PRESS RELEASE JENNIFER BOIRE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Jennifer Boire, info@jenniferboire.com

Focusing on the transformative powers of menopause and changing the mindset of women who feel overwhelmed at mid-life.

Montreal, Quebec, Canada – March, 2014 –In The Tao of Turning Fifty: What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know  author Jennifer Boire uses a light touch and gentle humour providing her brand of women’s wisdom on matters such as Where Did My Libido Go? Tango at Mid-Life, Feeling Like You’re Going Crazy, Menopause is Not a Disease, and How to Cultivate Your Own IGS System (inner guidance system).

This interactive workbook for women at mid-life is a must read for women in their forties to learn the blessings and challenges of menopause. It treats menopause as an awakening, a transformation on a woman’s journey with the focus on self-care through journal prompts, as well as exercises to calm and center.

Boire is passionate about the subject and says “The Tao of Turning Fifty grew out of research done for my blog, and interviews with women approaching or already past menopause. In my own experience, it felt momentous, like a psychic shift, or heroine’s quest, so much more than just hot flashes and low libido. I want every woman in her forties to know what is coming, to educate herself, to honour and prepare for this important rite of passage and mid-life transition that is menopause.”

Kirkus Reviews called the book “a pragmatic guide doubling as a workbook that examines how to find inner balance during a woman’s tumultuous midlife change. Boire masterfully encourages introspection and engagement in her book, which brings Eastern philosophy and Western lifestyles together to deliver what every woman in her forties needs to know.” They summed up their review referring to it as “an interactive workbook for women wanting to find harmony and understand the inevitability of life’s physiological changes.”

Boire begins a five day virtual book blog tour on Monday, March 10^th ending Friday, March 14^th, 2014 organized by Book Marketing Services, http://www.bookmarketingservices.org.

The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know by Jennifer Boire

Printed by Little Red Bird Press, 146 pages

ISBN: 978-1466378117

Paperback: CDN $12.30

Kindle Edition: CDN $9.99

The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know  is available online from Amazon.com, Amazon.ca,  Chapters Indigo and Barnes and Noble. For more information, visit http://jenniferboire.com/.

Contact: Jennifer Boire, info@jenniferboire.com

BOOK BLOG TOUR STARTS MONDAY

MARCH 10-15 Book Blog Tour starts - a new guest post every day on five wonderful websites.

The Great Graphics for my Book Blog tour are on this link: (also dates and addresses)

http://www.bookmarketingservices.org/jennifer-boire/


If you are a woman in peri-menopause, feeling overwhelmed with teenagers, aging parents and no time for you, then follow these blog posts for some helpful tips and overall encouragement

and share the links on facebook, twitter, wherever you hang out with your menopausal buddies.

thanks!
Jennifer
www.jenniferboire.com
author The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know

On Being Selfish, and Mothering Myself

I am reading a book about daughters who feel unmothered (for whatever reason, losing a mother, neglectful or absent mother, narcissistic and over critical mother). Will I Ever Be good Enough, by Karyl McBride. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/dr-karyls-blog/ 

It helps explain why I have never felt ‘good enough,’ why I keep so busy, and why it feels selfish to take time for me. So I wondered, if I could invent a kind, supportive mother for myself, what would she be like?

My ideal supportive female guide would listen to my worries, soothe my brow with a calm hand. She says, there, there. It’s all right. Don’t sweat the small things –even the big things are out of your control. Stop worrying about your grown kids.

She encourages me in my creative projects, tells me I deserve a morning off to just muse, write, listen to soothing music at least once a week. You deserve more playtime – sunshine and walks outside. You are allowed to enjoy your life –supper with your husband, watching Hercule Poirot movies, snuggling on the couch with dark chocolate and a bowl of popcorn. You can breathe into meditation and yoga every morning because you love to do that. You can pour rose scented Epsom salts in a bath and soak your tense muscles. Lie down and rest for 30 minutes in the afternoon.

When I’m sick, she brings me bowls of hot broth and tea, soft Kleenex. She reminds me not to eat fatty stuff when I’m sick, just dry crackers. She reminds me of my mom when I was little.

Yes, I did have a loving, caring mother, but mid-way through my childhood, she became overwhelmed with caring for a house of children, and alcoholic. She counted on me and my sister to help cook, clean and organize laundry. She tried to check out of her life when I was sixteen. Then went into rehab.

I was a good daughter, up to a point. Around age 15 I began to act out (it was the 70’s, what didn't we do!). We dared our mothers to discover our trespasses. They surely would have reined us in if they knew the half of it.

In the last year of my twenties, I fell in love, got married, went back to school, and got pregnant, in that order. Writing poetry and becoming a mother pushed me back into healing the mother wound. In my first book, Little Mother, I poured out my nostalgia, and my distress at an imperfect childhood. It became an exploration of the dark and light side of motherhood. I loved my kids passionately and yet needed time alone to write. I felt split down the middle.

Fast forward to menopause – the grand awakening to self-care. The therapist I went to see for anger management issues said, you have to learn to be more selfish. The very word was anathema to me. I felt useful doing volunteer work. I guess I had a strong good girl streak. But when I broke my leg skiing one year, something else broke down. The capable superwoman cracked. I could not take care of everyone if I didn't take care of me. My body was hurting, my shoulders ached. I kept taking on too many projects and responsibilities, trying to find my self-worth. I wanted to get out of the house, and my therapist suggested I teach at the women’s center.  

So I began. In the middle of my menopausal journey, I began to teach what I needed to learn. How to be selfish, how to carve space and time for my creative side, for my own sanity. How to ask for help. How to honour my need for time alone, and soothe the restlessness.

At menopause, the rocky road to healing began. I learned to mother myself. If I was tired, I took naps. If I was sad, I sat in the bathtub and wailed. If I was hungry before meals, I ate snacks. I was not very good at this, often blowing up at suppertime. The kids would say, eat something mom, you’re cranky.

Finally, my two kids were grown. I had mothered them sufficiently, taught them a few useful things about laundry and cooking. They both chose to go to school away from home. I had the quiet house to myself, my sanctuary, so I began to lead retreats and classes from home. Slowly my class has grown from five women four years ago to eleven in two classes this session.  I am still teaching exercises for discovering what you want to do with your life, what you love, what you would do if it weren't selfish.

I have to thank my therapist, Fani, for teaching me that I needed to be more selfish. And Jennifer Louden for her Woman’s Comfort Book http://jenniferlouden.com/ which helped me create a self-nurturing voice. Dr Christiane Northrup’s books on menopause and women’s wisdom http://www.drnorthrup.com/and Joan Borysenko http://www.joanborysenko.com/ for her wisdom about transition times and burn-out. I have many teachers and mentors, but long ago, Prem Rawat  http://www.premrawat.com/ showed me an inner practice that is my root, my anchor, how to find stillness in my center.

For all the teachings, and the journey so far, I am truly grateful.

xxxx

Musemother

ps I also want to thank my mom, for being there.

Journal questions for you:

If I could relax and let go, what would I do just for fun?

If I could let go into joy, receive creative joy, what would I do?

If it weren’t selfish, what would I love to do?

Creative, Playful Mood

Play:  I think my biggest challenge is to be playful. When my children were little, no problem. They climbed all over me, as I lay on the floor like a mother lion. We did finger painting together,spent time doodling with pencil crayons or felt pens, slid down waterslides, ran through the sprinkler, went to the local pool - you have no choice but to be playful with little kids around. But these days, at mid-life, my natural, serious side would rather sit in an armchair and read a good book. (Lately, Louise Penny's murder mysteries are captivating me. She's an international best selling Canadian writer living near Montreal, whose stories are set in the Eastern Townships and Montreal area).

But even a bookworm like me needs to get out of the house sometimes, and the further from my computer, the better. Say, down south for a vacation weekend, like this photo above, taken in Miami in January. I forgot to bring my straw hat with me, and the only available head cover (necessary protection from the strong sun) was this blue one. In this photo I am wearing my only other item of blue clothing.

When I was a little girl, my mother used to dress me and my younger sister in the same dresses, but different colours. Sue was always blue. I was in pink or red. It took me a very long time to be able to look at anything blue. it just wasn't my colour. Now, I see that as a form of playfulness - to see myself in blue.

Exercise is not something I normally associate with playfulness. Although I used to love down-hill skiing with the kids. Now, cross-country skiing has taken the place of downhill, since I broke my knee skiing over ten years ago. I don't skate much either. But Zumba has made exercise fun. That Latin music and those crazy quick salsa steps are so much fun, AND they get your heart beating. It makes it easier to segue into lifting weights or doing the plank when you spend 30 minutes dancing and laughing in a living room with friends.

What do you do for fun? Do you consider yourself a playful person, or a creative person? It's funny how our self-image can get stuck by a lifetime of habit. I will be 60 this year, and am just getting serious about playing.

Next week I'm going to be playing on some other blogs: doing a Book Blog Tour. Every day starting March 10 there will be a link on this blog to the host blog where I'll be giving you some tips on being Sensibly Selfish, Creative Self-Care, Mid-Life Moms and the Hot Flash Clash, and others.

Stay tuned and stay playful! (Winter is almost over.)

Musemother/Jenn
www.jenniferboire.com

Creative feminine: Mothering and Writing

Time is finite. I’m hovering close to sixty. It’s time to dig deep and find the courage to publish those stories about my teenage sexual discoveries – they’re wrapped up in brown paper bags waiting for my censor to calm down. I guess that’s why I teach others, so that I can learn myself, how to free that lovely Censored Voice, the one that speaks of longings, taboo feelings, the one especially that says, make time for Me. Or I will wreak havoc in your life: explosions, sleepless nights, PMS, mood swings, murderous rages and depressive dips… Allow time for my wild self, my creative soul, my need to be Alone for one hour of uninterrupted time a day/week.

excerpt from post on Laundry Line Divine, 

read the full story here: http://laundrylinedivine.com/out-of-the-mouths-of-babes/jennifer-boire/

Losing mojo and finding your jomo

Have you had your fill of holidays yet? I have just had two gloriously quiet days without travel or parties, and I begin to feel like my normal, calm self for the first time. 

Here's how it went for me between Dec 20 and 27: tired and stressed after a week of Christmas parties, travelling to join 20 family members, cooking, shopping and going to bed past midnight with liberal amounts of imbibing, I lay in my darkened room two days ago and tried to summon the energy to envision my goals for 2014. I was thinking about the book I need to promote, classes to prepare, lectures and retreats to imagine, but nothing new or creative was coming to me. It felt like I had lost my mojo.

I always forget in times like these that the simplest solution is close at hand –  what restores me is usually not anywhere far away, but right here. So I lit a candle, put on some soothing music, drew a hot bath, and afterwards got out my drawing pad and coloured crayons. Voila! The mood switched from lost mojo to finding jomo. (I just learned this little acronym for Joy of Missing Out.) You too can find the joy of withdrawing from too-much activity (and not feeling like you're missing out) especially if it’s still a holiday for you, by exploring the power of doing nothing.

Doing nothing in my case, usually means doing something simple like stretching into a yoga pose, listening to Zen flute music, getting out my journal to write; in other words, it’s not nothing, but it’s no thing that serves any other purpose than just fine tuning my soul. It isn’t productive in the normal sense of serving others or getting ‘things’ on my list done. So it feels like I’m doing nothing.

Really what I am accomplishing is very valuable and healing. I am resetting my inner compass. I am setting my inner clock to my body’s rhythm, my  need for quiet and peace after a hectic week. I purposefully create some sacred space to muse in, to reconnect with my heart, which has become unplugged due to over activity and the extreme sport of mothering (meaning, Overarching Boss of Everything just took over). This usually happens when my grown kids arrive back home for the holidays, or when the house is full of family and friends and I'm busy preparing meals. I begin to see a pattern….

I am not indispensable, however, and so I told my husband (who was at home that day too), that the bedroom was becoming my retreat space and out of bounds for a few hours. He took the hint and ran himself a hot bath. Ah, my good intentions are rubbing off on him too. I also knew my 20-somethings could fend for themselves in the kitchen, and no one would starve for one day.

Speaking of good intentions, part of my conundrum and lost mojo was thinking that since it’s the new year I should be stating some goals, envisioning a plan, putting action items on my year’s to do list. But this felt too heavy to even contemplate. I was tired, burned-out from all that ‘doing’, and my brain felt too sore to envision anything beyond a nap.

So I did take a long nap just before dusk, and put off the envisioning to another day. Later,  while on Facebook, I discovered a quote that reaffirmed the power of listening in gently to where life leads us (plus I threw my own SoulCollage card reading, and the message was, Surrender to a Higher power, trust and let go….so I decided to follow that sage advice). 

"It's far more creative to work with the idea of mindfulness rather than the idea of will. Too often people try to change their lives by using the will as a kind of hammer to beat their life into proper shape. The intellect identifies the goal of the program, and the will accordingly forces the life into that shape. This way of approaching the sacredness of one's own presence is externalist and violent. It brings you falsely outside yourself, and you can spend years lost in the wilderness of your own mechanical, spiritual programs. You can perish in a famine of 

your own making.

If you work with a different rhythm you will come easily and naturally home to yourself. The soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey."   by John O'Donohue, Anam Cara 

SoulCollage card: Mercy and Compassion

Let yourself enter 2014 gently, without forcing your life into some preconceived shape. Allow your soul to guide you with its inner GPS. In other words, listen in to your wise inner self.

Happy End of 2013, and beginning of 2014, Year of the Compassionate Horse. May it bring kindness and contentment to you.

xxxxxooooo

Musemother

Valuing the Feminine and self-care at menopause

"In the Western world, we live in a culture that highly values productivity, assertiveness, aggression, drive, forward motion, which we like to consider as progress and have traditionally aligned with the world of work and the Masculine. We spend our lives with the on button pressed all the time, work work work. Being productive is good, however, we've created imbalance in banishing the day off, the Sabbath or rest day. The softer, inner values of rest, reflection and cultivating the artistic, inner soul qualities have become secondary. But that is exactly what we need as an antidote to being overly busy and exhausted. Getting in touch with the Feminine is an important survival tool for our planet right now, especially at mid-life, especially those in the caring professions. Taking a little down time to rest should not make us feel guilty, but somehow it does." from The Tao of Turning Fifty, Valuing the Feminine. 

Today in the Globe & Mail, two articles caught my eye. One was about a book called Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink. Author Katrina Alcorn writes that the solutions lie not in individual treatments for anxiety and mental illness, but in activism and workplace reform. http://tinyurl.com/k7887ld

The second article, on the Facts & Arguments page, was an essay about a woman whose son is learning about menopause in school: My 12-year-old son’s not ready for menopause is the title. So the Life section of the G&M today is dealing with two of my favourite topics - moms being stressed out and menopause. At mid-life, even stay-at-home moms, who are often crazy-making busy with volunteer projects and house management, let alone chauffeuring their kids, sometimes get into this feeling of being Maxed-Out, or overwhelm.

When I was in the throes of peri-menopause in my forties, (the pre-menopause period last 7-10 years before you are official menopaused, or have no more periods for 13 months), I also had two pre-teens on the cusp of puberty. I remember overwhelm as the major constant feeling at that time, and on some days when I felt myself losing control and shrieking, I wondered if they should put me in a straitjacket. My precocious daughter would write me birthday cards that said, I love you Mommy, in spite of your mood swings. 

Part of the problem was giving myself permission to just nurture myself and care for my own needs. When you're on call 24-7 as a mom, and some moms are on call all day at work as well, the fight or flight hormones are always on too, and you never seem able to relax, get a good night's sleep, or even take 15 minutes to yourself to read the paper without being interrupted. You learn to respond, you learn to take really good care of others - spouses, children, parents, co-workers, siblings, but you tend to put yourself last on the list, skipping meals, rushing around like Chicken Little yelling the sky is falling.

It's a mindset, and a powerful social belief system, that pushes us to go faster and faster, achieve more and more, get more things crossed off the list. We are also highly addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes from stress and deadlines, so when it is calm and quiet, we wonder what to do with ourselves, and feel antsy or anxious. I can't even watch a 30 minute video anymore without checking my emails, going on facebook, constantly distracted and scattered.  It's a real struggle to be centered and calm, even for a quiet hermit like myself whose kids have flown out of the nest and only bug me when they need more cash in their bank accounts. 

So this little book I wrote while going through menopause, was all about Valuing the Feminine, valuing my down time, getting help from whatever modalities I could, osteopathy for sore shoulders, acupuncture, Reiki, reflexology - blessed moments of calm in a turbulent week that were like an Oasis of sanity. Self-care became my mantra, my crutch if you will, my absolute need - because if I cracked up and did need a strait-jacket, who was left to run things and take care of the household?

It really is in our best interest to slow down, do less, revise the list of things to do, cancel a few extra projects, not work until 8 pm, eat regular meals, do yoga and practice some form of centering technique whether tai chi or mediation or chi gong. We cannot serve our children, our jobs or our communities when we are fried, maxed out, and overwhelmed. Mid-life and menopause are forcing you to call a halt to the "too much" syndrome. If it's all too much, scale down. Do less. And if you need extra help from medication, hormonal treatments, herbal remedies, by all means, hunt them down. Find out what works for you. Girl friends are also great allies - just talking to someone about how you feel like you're going crazy can help you find some sanity.

Your sanity is important. Your health and well-being are crucial. You, mid-life mom, are the fulcrum, the center everyone is leaning on for support. You must be solid yourself before you can be there for them. Don't wait until you have a breakdown. Take a break, a serious reflective break, and make room in your life for your Self. If that means having a serious talk with your spouse or boss, please find the courage to go there.

The Tao of Turning Fifty is a workbook with exercises and journaling questions to help you put priorities where they belong. I'm headed to a book club meeting tonight, my first one as an author, and six or seven women will be discussing my book and looking for answers.  I know it will be a rich and rewarding evening.

namaste,
Jenn/Musemother

Prescription for Self-Care: 10 Ingredients

I was brought up the eldest daughter in a fairly happy, Catholic, and wholly dysfunctional household with a brood of seven siblings (and depression and alcoholism in the family tree). Somehow this grew me into a highly functional, overly demanding perfectionist –harder on myself than others, with a strong tendency to morph into the Overarching Boss of Everything once I became a Mom.

My journey through midlife has partly cured me of this kill-joy attitude, by bringing me nose to nose with this miserable character (being with my kids helped too). Perhaps someone else who is just realizing they are their own worst party pooper will read this and gather some hints about how to relax and enjoy life.

10 Ingredients:

1)      Kindness to self and others: no belittlement, bullying or harsh criticism allowed. Not even yelling obscenities at aggressive drives that cut you off! Send them blessings instead and it will boomerang back to you.

2)      Right eating: finding the balance between the desire for pleasure and fun, and real nourishment, what truly feeds your body. There is no one-size fits all in terms of food – experiment, be curious, don’t follow fads. I have gone from extreme vegan to macrobiotic to carnivore before finding the right food for my body and blood sugar (steak ‘n eggs for breakfast)!

3)      Energy In is greater than Energy Out: ask yourself, what drains me and what feeds me? the two best questions to finding balance. If you are exhausted and cranky, how can you be of service to others, let alone yourself?

4)      Peace in the Heart: inner bliss, find the oasis within in stillness, submerse yourself and dive in regularly, every day if not every minute. Life is short. Heaven is now.

5)      Ease: catch up on the sleep deficit induced by all work and no play, take more down time to chill and learn the power of doing nothing: nap often.

6)      Allies and Friends: never underestimate the importance of being seen and heard by friends who love and fully support you, accept you as is.

7)      Gratitude Attitude: appreciation is a wonderful antidote to bitterness. Give thanks, give back, pay it forward. It’s a practice that feels forced at first, but grows your bliss.

8)      Creative expression: let your soul out to play: collage, art, doodling, weaving, singing, dancing, bass lessons, tai chi; include your five senses and get a whole body rush, while being in the Flow, lose track of time, rediscover childlike wonder. A powerful game changer.

9)      Embrace your shadow: accept your faults, withdraw projections onto others (the blame and shame game); practice saying “I am flawed and fabulous”, “I am Enough.”

10)   Emotional Wisdom: let tears flow, and laughter ring, give hugs aplenty. Feeling is Healing. And PAIN stands for Pay attention inside Now!

OK, I left out something rather important for a blissful life, Sexual Pleasure and Fulfillment. This one took me a long time to allow (must be all that religion, wanting to be a saint and being celibate for ten years). All I can say is, allow, allow, allow.

There are many elements to happiness, of course: where you work and play, how many friends and companions really see you and ‘get’ you; the health of your children, parents, tragedies that occur, but one thing is for sure: the size of your house, car and bank account are way down on the list.

The worst Bliss Busters? Besides perfectionism, the worst Bliss Buster seems to be the pushing, striving, nose to the grindstone attitude until either burn-out, extreme fatigue or death by heart attack.

How can you find ways to move into more body ease, more supple enjoyment, more light and laughter? Put on a soothing music CD, light a candle and write about this in your journal right now.

If nothing else works, pray for guidance from your angels and guardian spirits. Our purpose on earth is to enjoy, to be in Joy, as much as possible. Besides, self-flagellation is so passé….

Jennifer Boire is a recovering perfectionist and the author of The Tao of Turning Fifty. She leads retreats and Creative Journaling classes for women in the Montreal area. www.jenniferboire.com 

https://www.facebook.com/Musemother

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first published on MindBodyGreen July 2013

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10413/10-ingredients-you-need-for-a-happy-life.html

take a break

All of us need to take a break once in a while, and I will be off-line for a few weeks.

I hope you can browse the articles and blog entries on this site while I'm gone, and in Mid-November I'll be back blogging regularly.

take care
Musemother

Exhaustion and the Mid-Life Woman: Letting Go

She pictured herself hanging on with all her fingers to a wooden dock, and then, after hours of cramping hand pain, finally just lifting off her fingers, letting go of the dock, letting the gentle water and waves pull her backwards, like a pair of huge motherly arms gently tugging on her from behind, guiding her down river. It would be so easy, to just fall back, stop striving, stop rushing, stop getting things done, move backwards instead of forwards. Why do we always have to run forward, move forward, progress? The sense of accomplishment was nothing to her now. It only burdened her, the constant list of things to do. She wanted to refuse to function with lists, although all her life it had kept her organized, sane, functional.

Now she simply wanted, if she could admit to the truth without guilt, she very much wanted to let go, and stop. Everything. Deadlines. Doing. Shopping. Decorating. Renovating. Driving. Registering. Volunteering. Managing. Coping. At a very deep level, the fear of her inner blank slate was going away. She wanted that white room. Actually, the fear was rising to the surface and she was seeing it, instead of hiding behind the business. And now that she looked at the fierce holding on out of fear in the face, she no longer could do it. Something, some vision of a deeper life, some need for inner psychic peace and ease, called to her. 

How ignore it now, when she was so exhausted anyway?

excerpt from a short story I am writing, started in 2005, and finally I am re-reading it and recognizing the truth of that moment. 

namaste

jenn/musemother

ps I just posted this on Facebook on the Tao of Turning Fifty page

https://www.facebook.com/TheTaoOfTurningFifty?ref=hl

Menopausal Journey as Rite of Passage

Is menopause merely the cessation of your period?  Is it about losing your memory, having hot flashes,  and losing your fertility? Or is it a mid-life reorientation project? Do you feel like you're falling down the Rabbit Hole?

This journey you are embarking on somewhere in your forties is a deeper phase to your woman's journey, a developing and a continuing and it involves a lot of unknowing. It felt to me like being in a labyrinth in the woods, a circular path that branches out and leads in so many different directions it's really easy to get lost.

What is the path of a woman's life?  Especially a woman who decides to have children, who gives over her body to create another body.  How does she regain her center (if she has lost it) and how does she keep those boundaries clear - me, us, them? How does she find herself again? Menopause is part of that journey towards finding yourself in mid-life.

Menopause is not an overnight thing. It creeps up on you slowly. You don't notice it happening until one day you realize your period hasn't come this month, or maybe you’ve skipped two months and your pregnancy test comes back negative.  Then it comes back again for six months, so you forget there's something going on.  Or suddenly you notice your PMS has increased to two weeks out of the month, and if you really stop and look at it, you see your emotional landscape is a little out of whack.  Or maybe you just aren't sleeping well at night and all the Chamomile tea or hot milk can't calm the hyper little gerbil running in its cage between 2 and 4 a.m.

There are many different physical symptoms and lots of websites to describe them to you, everything from sore joints to hot flashes and heart palpitations. What my blog tries to point to is not the symptoms, but the journey.  It's as if you are on the highway to Ottawa from Montreal, and took a side road without realizing it.  You look up and wonder where you are, the landscape doesn't look familiar, the trees are in the wrong place, and the road signs post names of towns you don't remember or recognize. You need to figure out where you are.

One way you can honour your not knowing is by standing still.  The first thing to do when you feel lost is to stop running in circles, stop pretending you know where you are.  Stop and ask for help.

Someone who has been there before may help you. Someone who has been lost and found the way home again.

This mid-life woman's way has been largely uncharted till recently.  The women who came before us perhaps felt 'women's stuff' didn't matter, or the subject was so taboo, no one actually talked about it.  Or they were told it was just their uterus being hysterical. The male hero story describes the quest of the masculine, but where are the stories of the Feminine Quest?

It is time to honour your own knowing, your own woman’s journey.  Questing. Know that the way out is the way in.  Going down and in will lead you up and out.

To help you with this rite of passage, I have written The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know. Check out my website at www.jenniferboire.com for a free excerpt.

Take good care now, and stay in touch,

Musemother/Jenn

also on Facebook and Twitter

Stress and the Tired Mid-Life Woman

Are you in your forties or early fifties and wondering why you're always tired, cranky and fuzzy-brained?

I spent a lot of time blaming menopause for these symptoms, until I began to do some reading on the wonderful website of www.womentowomen.com. They have a ton of great articles dealing with women's health issues, and particularly issues that come to light at mid-life.

It's no secret that many women are overtired from trying to perform as SuperWoman, SuperMom or some combination of the two. Yes, we have more freedom to work in whatever jobs fulfill us, and attend school and marry who we like.....but more and more women are suffering from burnout and fatigue.  With peri-menopause adding hormonal changes to the picture, starting anywhere in your early forties (you may have 7-10 years of pre-menopausal symptoms till you are officially 'menopaused' at average age of 51), it's easy to be confused about the cause of your fatigue.

Recently I was diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue in the second phase, by a functional integrative health coach. Now my doctor does not believe such a thing as Adrenal fatigue even exists, so I went on a web search for articles to send her. My search led me back to http://www.womentowomen.com/adrenalhealth/naturaltreatments-adrenalfatigue.aspx.

It may, in the beginning, look like a thyroid malfunction. My levels were low at my last blood test, so I'm being followed for hypothyroidism. But being more prone to finding natural solutions and working with a naturopath as well as my GP, I began to wonder if there were herbs I could take or dietary changes to make to help improve my health and overall well-being.  This led me to the health coach, who gave me a survey that revealed the adrenal fatigue, but also that I was a metabolic protein type, (I've had blood sugar problems for years), and needed to eat more meat protein to balance my system (as well as cutting sugar and carbs). I won't go into the list of supplements I'm taking, but suffice it to say, I am also supporting my liver and adrenal glands with herbal supplements.

Four months after implementing these changes, my energy levels are back up, I feel less tired and draggy, and my mood is distinctly calmer. Soon, we will retest the leaky gut and adrenals, and see how much improved my health is from the inside.

Bottom line is, don't blame all your tiredness and fatigue on menopause, nor on your age. If something is out of whack, if you're not sleeping, or sleeping too much, do some reading on this very informative website. Check with a health practitioner, and be open to learning something new about the way our bodies operate at mid-life.  We're going through changes that are not just hormonal, but it's all one package - our digestive enzymes are less efficient, we react more strongly to caffeine and alcohol, our libido is affected; if we have adrenal fatigue, we may be dragging our feet and even have signs of depression.

Unfortunately, not all medical doctors agree on this issue:

While adrenal fatigue is well recognized in other parts of the world, there has been some skepticism about it within conventional medical circles here in the US. Many physicians are quick to point to other health issues (depression, fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism) that cause similar symptoms. We’ve found, though, that many times these issues are related to an underlying adrenal problem, and that treating them on their own with medications generally doesn’t solve them — but supporting adrenal function often does wonders.

Conventional testing only looks at extremes

Unfortunately, current tests that doctors are likely to recommend will look only at the extremes of adrenal imbalance that require immediate medical intervention: Addison’s disease, which occurs when the body’s cortisol production is severely deficient, and Cushing’s syndrome, in which the body produces excessively high levels of cortisol.  http://www.womentowomen.com/adrenalhealth/effectsofhighcortisollevels.aspx 

Being stressed around the clock, working two jobs - one at work and one at home - raising teenagers, caring for elderly parents, dealing with hormonal changes - women are increasingly called on to be always on, 24/7. This puts us in 'fight or flight' mode, coping with physical and emotional stressors that drain our capacity to respond. If you suspect this might be the case for you, consult a health professional trained in Functional medicine, or begin by reading the articles on womentowomen.com.

Hope you find this information helpful,
Musemother