Mothering Myself

I am planning a retreat, and in that mode of research for articles, exercises, inspiration. Ran into book store and picked up a pile of books, one of them being The Mother Factor. I did not buy it but perused it, looking at its chapter headings and diving in occasionally.

Mothering has such deep currents for me. Being mothered by a loving mother, also a sometimes violent and frustrated mother, often negligent and preoccupied with her addictions, has left a legacy, for sure.

I can see myself in the child the author describes who is too easily offended at criticism, who needs to rescue others, who reads others emotional needs superbly and feels responsible for other's feelings - under the heading of Unpredictable Mother, yes, that would describe it.

How can I mother myself, give myself nurturance, feed the child that was feeling abandoned and unloved some of the time, or left to hold the fort at too young an age?

It is such an important issue for me since I have been mothering two children. That goes without saying. But hitting menopause, it also became evident that the stresses and emotional baggage were like sparks to the fire of hormonal imbalance.  It became necessary to find a bucket of water to douse these sparks, or at least, uncover why they are still smouldering.

Loving kindness, compassion, understanding, all those huge words with Huge Meanings, are only accomplishable in little moments, in one on one's, in how I feed myself, allow enough rest time, provide fun and playful activities, rock my angry child inside, soothe the hurt and not beat myself up with blame.

Mothering myself would involve liking myself enough to take care of me.  Understanding my unconscious reasons for ignoring my own needs enough to start doing something about it.

I invite all unmothered or imperfectly mothered readers to stop for a moment, before Mother's Day, and think of serious ways of taking care of your own unmothered self, by mothering your self.  Little crooning lullabies, soft music, hush now, sweet child, rest, rock yourself to sleep. Here is something good for you to eat.....

try it

musemother

5 Things I Can Imagine Myself Doing Tonight

Hockey is drawing to a close, but tonight is perhaps the last game with the Canadiens in Montreal, and my hubby has got great tickets, so guess where he is?

That lead me to my computer after an early supper, K out dancing in class, J working on school projects, and me by my lonesome....wondering what to do?

Should I rent a video (walk over to the video rental sstore in the village and give the dog and I some exercise?), catch up on severeal movies listed in the Rolling Stone magazine article I'm reading on Glee (A Mnighty Wind, Best in Show), The Fugitive are mentioned and I've only seen one of those

OR

sit down and write a poem about the 2 fire trucks in front of my house, and the 4 fireman down by the water on the boat ramp with binoculars, and the 2 police boats out on the water near Docker's Island rescuing somebody?

OR

read Facebook and update my profile page (already done) and click on all the links on my home page from friends who have posted videos, photos, smart and clever sayings...funny quotes, inspiring messages...

OR

start a new Diana Gabaldon book, after finishing (finally!) the Fiery Cross - I have never taken so long to really get into a book, but the end was packed full of action

OR

watch TV?  (nothing much on though, and I hate watching TV unless it's a good movie)

Which 5 things would you do if you had a free evening to goof off?

musemother/jenn

One day at a time

One day at a time, one goal at a time, taking little steps out of overwhelm ...

Today, after meditating, I jumped up to read my emails - first mistake.  Should have written in my journal first, as usual. So the list of things to do got bigger very quickly.  Took out my journal and began to write down all my commitments, various volunteer things I've taken on, committees, raffle prizes, fundraising, chorus activities, board meeting notes to write up, and way at the bottom of the list was Writing. Stories. Poems. Even below that was, take care of self.

Sigh, it was 10:30 before I took a shower (advantage of working at home in my pyjamas).

Sudden mini-panic attack and dizziness - deep breath out, slow breath in.

Ok - since the list is overwhelming, I thought spring cleaning would work better. Guests coming this week, so strip the guest room bed, wash all the kids sheets, pillowcases, the king size bed....a mountain of white sheets on the floor outside the laundry room.

Dash outside after lunch for a quick walk up Alan Hill with Mollie - ah, once outside the door the bright green of new buds, the star magnolia blossoms, the smell of grass and old fall leaves underfoot welcomed me back to "ground center".  Breathing in the smells with Mollie, as she ran from muddy path to boggy grass. All the new shoots and little yellow and blue flowers calmed my mind.

Back to the house, and computer, emails, notes to type up - bing bang got em all done. And suddenly at 2:00, 3 teen girls took over the kitchen, cooking up snacks and cutting each other's hair...so I escaped to my room to edit that story.

This has been one hell of a day, started out rocky, ending up satisfying - I got one story rewritten, copied and into an envelope for a writing contest. Made a rehearsal plan for my quartet and helped solve a last minute hosting change for the women's circle....little emergencies that had me stymied and panicked this morning got resolved.

I credit the laundry.  When I need to focus, it helps to put one foot in front of the other and just do something useful. Clean a room or a closet, empty a desk drawer and sort it. File stuff where it belongs. Fold sheets and make the beds. Must be that Feng Shui of the soul tip I learned last week...

have a great week
musemother
ps singing this week at the Yellow Door coffeehouse with Over the Top

Making Space for the Heart

How confusing to live in the 21st century and wonder about who I am...

Lately I learned a bit about numerology and discovered I am a number 7, a bit of a seeker, hermit, deep thinker type which didn't surprise me too much. Add that to my zodiac sign of Scorpio and my Chinese sign of Horse, and the picture rounds out a little more.

This should be enough for my curious mind, but always the seeker, I am open to finding inspiration from many sources and through my facebook page and Owning Pink web network, I've been exposed to several life coaches and their approaches for how to learn more about What I Love, What I want to Do, Who I Am.

One insists we need to Feng Shui our souls, declutter and do a 7-day cleanse; another encourages me to find my Inner Organizer, another would like me to discover my life purpose through buying her book on Career change, yet another website for women's retreats invites me to manifest the life of my dreams and attend a tele-workshop with a coach. The line that appealed to me most was from the comfort queen:  a link about Freedom from Self Improvement, by Jennifer Louden at http://www.comfortqueen.com/.

So what is a girl to do, when she thinks she has an inspiring word or two to share, a possible book to launch and a desire to help women find themselves, yet an overwhelming desire to stop looking outside herself for the answers? And a definite overwhelm with Self-Improvement....

If, as a Globe and Mail article recently stated, we really do get wiser as we get older, then accessing that inner wisdom should be second nature, shouldn't it? 

Can I turn off the outside influences just for one day, or one week, and listen to my own inner voice? can I show up for my journal in the mornings (yes, another prompt from The Artists Way author Julia Cameron), and access my soul (Writing down your soul, another guidebook)?

The answers often come when it's calm, when I'm resting or meditating, when I've put a kabosh on the rushing, urgent email and phoning, and busy taskmaster Self.

The answers come when I make space for them, offer my listening hear to their whisper. When I invite them in.

Hold space for your heart to speak to you today.

musemother

Life Partners

A pair of mallard ducks just drifted past my window on the lake, and somehow it reminds me of my life partner and husband.

You've read the stories of geese who mate for life, and how they follow each other - if one is injured or takes a rest during their long migration, the other one follows.  And how they take turns leading the V shaped flock so that no one bird has to fight the headwinds alone all the time.

Partners for life - it used to scare me, before we got married 25, almost 26 years ago (May 19, 1984).  We lived together in an apartment for a while, just to stop the crazy making back and forth in the mornings, getting changed for work at two different places after spending the night together.

Marriage was on the agenda, and I was promoting it, oh yes. But secretly, I was struggling with the idea of 'eternity' and 'forever', all those diamond ring ads boast about.

Forever seemed too long to make a commitment, even if we were head over heels in love.  So I came up with a plan that I had devised in a high school social sciences project: 5 year contracts.  We would renew our vows or contract if you like, every 5 years.  That way I could manage a smaller chunk of eternity at a time. It made it seem more manageable.

5 contracts later, it seems to be still working.  Through miscarriages and loss, through going back to school (both of us, one at a time), through babies, strollers, sleepless nights and now teenage years, through stresses and strains and midlife restlessness and even through menopause and andropause, we are still drifting together down the current like that pair of mallard ducks.

I'd like to thank my life partner for just being there, for kissing me on the back of the neck every morning on his way to the office, for bringing me into such a wide and love-filled family, for helping me prepare an Easter brunch that lasted till dinner last night and beyond, for playing music with me, for being in harmonious synchronicity most of the time, and for just being who he is, a loveable guy.

back to work people,
luv
jenn/musemother

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

http://www.imagineawoman.com/home/say-happy-birthday-to-imagine-a-woman


Happy Birthday Wishes to Imagine a Woman poem and website. The party is going on all day today, April 2, so stop by and check it out.
 
Join the Woman Spirit Circle.
 
Read the inspiring poem that started it all.
 
Happy Easter/Passover weekend! Enjoy the spring sunshine.
 
Jennifer/musemother

Stress Equation

Mike Moore at http://www.motivationalplus.com/mpimages/gameoflifesmall.jpg

How Stress affects the Body:

Unresolved, unexpressed painful emotions = physiological stress = immune system dysfunction, dgeneration of body systems and abnormal cell growth, + time = illness and disease

So there you have it, a simple equation, isn't it?

Where are you on the scale of one to ten on the Stress Barometer?

Have you resolved your unresolved painful emotions? or do you even know where they are living in your body?

Are you feeling overtired, overwhelmed and under motivated about life in general?

The best remedy I can think of is Rest.  Unplug, hunker down, and take a nap.

Second best (but not one I readily turn to): Exercise, fresh air, a brisk walk near water or trees

Third best (highly recommend): talking with a close friend or bosom pal

But my favourite Self-Awareness tool is my journal. I try and make time to write every day even if its only for 10 minutes. Free hand writing is best - just sit and let yourself express whatever you are feeling, following no set pattern, not lifting your hand off the page. First thing in the morning is a good time for accessing the subconscious, fresh from dreams.  (recommended by Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way) http://www.theartistsway.com/  .

Another method of understanding the sources of stress and/or emotional pain is through Visual Journalling. I've discovered that it allows a similar process of self-discovery but through drawing (crayons, pastels).  The idea is not to produce a work of art, but to access the wisdom of the right brain, let the body talk to us in its metaphors (circles, houses, colours, shapes, flowers, rainbows, dark pits).

Most of us think stress is normal, and we just live with it.  We don't question where it's coming from, or we assume it's just part of life: if I can't change it, I might as well accept it.

What if you looked at things differently?

Take some time to access and assess your body's wisdom today.  Explore the 'pain in your neck', or the 'cramp in your gut'.  What stresses you? What's keeping you from your joy?

Emotions are teachers, and we need to allow their safe expression.  Don't ignore your own needs, make them felt, seen and heard.  Dance with them. 

According to the authors of Visual Journaling, work with cancer patients has shown that, the act of expressing a stress-producing emotion through drawing/painting moves the emotion energetically outside the body where it can no longer activate the stress response.

Go for some crazy scribbling, in your notebook or sketch pad.  Ask the question, and receive the answer.

Do it now!
jenn/musemother


stress equation from: Visual Journalling, Going Deeper than Words, Barbara Ganim and Susan Fox

Rest and Sabbath

What is we gave ourselves one day a week to truly rest?

What if we unplugged our social networks, our computers, emails, blackberries, for just one day?

What if we listened instead to the birds, to the grass growing, to the clouds scudding across the spring sky at twilight?

What if we let the fox come out of hiding and leap down to our border’s edge to stare at us?

What if we noticed the fat skunk waddling out of the culvert after dinner on a walk down our street?

What if we gave the heart a rest, some ‘do nothing’ down time? Without TV or radio? With only the heart’s own rhythm for accompaniment?

What if we bathed in silence for one hour?

Would the world stop?

Would our anxiety be less?

What if in that day of rest, we sat and had a heart to heart talk with our son, daughter, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or with ourself?

What if?

Clear your mind

After ecstasy, the laundry!

Zen philosopher

 Don't you love coming home to your own bed after being away on vacation?

But don't you also hate the laundry?  there are several piles of laundry on my floor right now. My husband did a few loads yesterday, and even folded them in neat piles (guess he was desperate for some clean socks and underwear). I  managed to get two more loads done today, and my daughter is doing her own, (so I really can't complain).

But besides the piles of white, dark and pale on my wood floor, it's the mental clutter and confusion that got me down today.  I was so clear on my purpose a few weeks ago, then I left for vacation and relaxed my mind, with lots of reading by the pool, swimming in turqouise waters, drinking afternoon wine and singing and dancing whenever possible.

This morning, back to ordinary life and reality: off to the dentist with my daughter, so I postponed my own writing and reflecting (tried to write in the dentist's reception area but the local radio station playing top 20 music made it difficult). Of course, she snuck in a quick shopping stop since we were downtown. And a quick stop to buy sushi for lunch (and groceries).

Did I mention I then needed a nap? 3 hours of sleep two nights ago, between airports and flights had created a serious sleep deficit (not to mention watching the Oscars till midnight last night).  All that to say, during my nap, or somewhere in the end of it, I began to mentally berate myself for all the things I wasn't getting done, for my lack of energy and focus, for the confusion I felt after reading about mommy blogs with hundreds of thousands of followers (and comparing them to my meagre following), and then the flood of things I had not done or was unclear about doing just got worse.

Finally I jumped out of bed, since it wasn't feeling very restful, and got back on the computer. Re-reading some of the emails I received while away, I ran across one from Jennifer Louden, a link to her Facebook page www.jenniferlouden.com and an entry on Simple Action. It recommended taking one step at a time, not trying to do it all at once (ie write a paragraph not a whole chapter), and also recommended being kind to myself, ie not beating myself up mentally. How timely was that! I had just been writing in my journal about how I needed to feel ok right now, and stop feeling as if there is something wrong with me.

Then I ran into a message from Lao Tzu, through my sister Sue, which said, clear the mental clutter:  Cease all restless activity and your true nature will appear. Correct your mind.

That would describe my nap, lots of useless, restless mental activity, making lists of all the things I need to do - since I  have a chorus concert and competition coming up and my quartet is singing two new songs also, there is a lot I felt I should be doing today. 

My advice to myself is simple: let go of mental anguish, clear up mental clutter. Sit in the quiet of your room and listen to soothing music. Make a mini-retreat and write in your journal. Help yourself out of confusion by staying in the present moment. I am not this flotsom and jetsom rushing downstream in the muddy waters. I am clear water. Relief and stillness floods my being just to be reminded of that.

Nameste,

jenn/musemother

In the Stillness of Retreat

In the stillness of this moment, I am peace.

I'm listening to a Retreat music CD, taking a few moments to prepare for a retreat March 14 that I will lead at H-OM yoga studio in Hudson, Quebec.

This music is gently rocking me into a feeling of peace, like a lullabye, coming to a slower breathing rate, in spite of the frantic pace of the morning, trying to pack, make lists, prepare for a 2 week vacation in Turks & Caicos (yes, I am so lucky!).

I am waiting, I allow myself to wait, 
I am waiting, I allow myself to wait.
My life's been moving , way too fast
I need to stop and take a breath
to see what the Lord wants me to do
so for now I wait and I listen....

Wish I could post the music too, it's very relaxing and soothing piano and voice.

Just wanted to leave you with a reminder to Breathe, Listen, Wait, Rest...if you are in transition, if you are impatient to start something new, if you are leaving something behind, if you are just crazy busy and don't know when you'll get a break.....Take One Now.   

"I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me....I hold myself like a newborn baby child."

Don't wait for a break down, a broken leg, or a break-up to push you into Self-Care mode.  Be gentle with yourself, with your tender heart, now, today, this moment.

You are precious, valuable and loved :)

take good care,
musemother/jenn

music cd available from A Woman's Way  www.awoman's way.com
or
www.karendrucker.com for the music from A Retreat of My Own

Being Present and Belonging

“The shortest distance in the world is the one between you and yourself.” John O’Donohue

Even though the above statement is true, the loneliness I can experience being estranged from my own Presence is the loneliest feeling in the world. Even if I am somewhat connected to others, if I am not connected to mySelf, I don’t feel as deep a connection to the others.

Sometimes it can feel like I’m miles away from myself when I am not really present, like a divided self living in one body. That feeling of being lonely, even in a crowd, of not belonging anywhere, is a feeling of not being connected. We are lonely for ourselves, essentially. We are longing to meet face to face with that inner Friend, to see our own face in a mirror of calm. This meeting brings a feeling of immense satisfaction, serenity and peace.

When I am self-aware, or present and conscious, not in the psychological sense, but in the way of being present inside or mindful, then  I am also aware of the inner observer watching and listening, stepping back from thought and mind’s chatter. Through meditation, through looking at myself in the mirror within, comes a stillness of the mind that also brings a feeling of being with a larger Presence. I feel a oneness with myself (and my Self) that does not come from reading a book or staring at a candle. It feels like the two halves have been united, there’s a wholeness about me.

How does my own lack of connection manifest? On a daily basis, I work alone. I am in my home, writing, reading, and surfing the web on different topics or blogging about what interests me. Sometimes I am working on a book project or poetry. But mostly I am alone all day, except for my dog and cats, and occasional hungry teenagers ravaging the kitchen for food. Craving human connection, I wait for my email box to fill up with replies to emails I have sent, or information, or replies to blog posts, or replies to replies I have left on other blogs – some days I wonder, why is the world so silent? Having nothing new in my inbox is a sad feeling.  When there is mail, it's like a confirmation that I am here, and someone is responding to me. 

 I feel such a longing for belonging – for finding my tribe, for meeting like-minded women who are a bit windy mouthed as I am, who want to hash things out, research, search again, find all the alleys and byways and tributaries of subjects of interest, about our sexuality, about our need for presence, and peace, about mid life and menopause, about independence and starting anew, about creativity and compulsivity .... about life in general. But I know that ultimately, I need to love being with myself, and then I will love even more being with everyone else.

I fill my need for presence and connection in different ways. I meditate, I practise yoga. I have a bi-monthly women’s circle meeting with cherished friends. I teach occasionally, to get out of the house. Mostly I am a bit of a hermit, but a hermit with an email habit.  I love to get emails from people. So if you’re reading this blog, please send me a comment.

Love to hear from you,

Jenn/musemother

Ps Happy Valentine’s Day

also blogging at Owning Pink (see sidebar)

Dreams and Visions

"The heart of all creativity is the awakening and flowering of individuality. The mystery and magic of being an individual is to love life in response to the deep call within, the call to become who we were dreamed to be...the divine blueprint of the soul. This is where true freedom awaits us. Freedom...is the poise of the soul at one with a life which honours and engages its creative possibility."  from Beauty, by John O'Donohue

Over the weekend I was inspired to sit down with my journal and start to draw up plans for a dream of mine: a retreat centre where I could offer journal writing classes, have yoga teachers do classes in the morning, have a place to show videos from Words of Peace (www.wopg.org) and offer a haven or shelter from the turmoil without and within.

The crazy thing is, I am taking steps to find partners to help me find that perfect Oasis somewhere near where I live.

The beauty of retreating is that you get to step out of the busy activity and hectic pace of your life and slow down to the rhythm of your soul, the pace your body can breath and feel relaxed in.  The downside is that most retreat centres are far away.  I envision a center close by, in a quiet neighbourhood, with a big sunny room for stretching the body in, and a comfortable sitting room for watching inspiring videos, and an office upstairs for me.

People with busy lives who can't leave the city (moms with small children for example), could get away for a mini-retreat of a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.  Women who work could take an afternoon for themselves once a month, a kind of mini-sabbath or rest day.

Why I like the quote above from Beauty http://www.johnodonohue.com/ is that I have been listening to this inner calling for a while now (a long while) without being able to envision it as something concrete that could happen now.  It remained in the realm of dream of the future, or someday it may happen.  I did not believe enough, or it was not time for it, simply. 

It's wonderful to feel things are moving towards realizing that dream, even if only by baby steps, spreading my wings, taking short flights over the terrain, asking the Creative Power for the strength and clarity to fulfill the vision, accepting my role as an individual responding to the call.

happy Monday,

jenn

 

Journalling the Journey

So, without making a resolution for the new year (because I don't believe in them), I did silently decide to use my journal as a tool for self discovery more often and without sticking to a strict schedule, I have been making time to write every morning, for as long as I can.

The question (I wrote questing) I have been posing in my journal for the longest time is about where my passion lay, what project would ignite a fire in my heart and get me moving. I lead occasional retreats, I teach occasionally, I work on my own writing sporadically, but no one thing was calling me.

Then I began writing with the Writing down Your Soul book by Janet Conner, http://janetconner.wordpress.com and asking my higher self or Spirit, what do I love? What do I want to manifest (I know, I always ask this question and have written about it before, but it's been a long transition to acceptance)?

The answer is never far away, is it? Through journalling, and through some astrological help from my sister Sue, I did get some clarity. What I was resisting (and journalling about) was that this is a time for rest, for renewal, for getting in touch with the power of Presence, which is what I want to encourage in others.  In other words, it has been a time of putting into practice what I preach.  And my impatience to have a new project was preventing me from enjoying this beautiful present moment. I kept journalling about where I was headed, always looking into the future.

Transitions are always (or usually) uncomfortable. You close one door, then look for the other to open. Sometimes, as Joan Borysenko ( www.joanborysenko.com) put it in a workshop I attended, you stand in the hallway, in limbo, waiting for that other door to present itself.

Journalling is a way of promoting patience with the process, asking the questions, receiving guidance, and hopefully being present and compassionate with yourself until clarity comes.  You know how it works when you've been waiting for a bus forever, and just when you are about to give up and find another way, the bus arrives? Or just when you think you're on the wrong road, this highway is going nowhere, a sign appears that your destination is near.

Journally for me has been a kind of navigational system, helping me link up with the satellite of higher intelligence within me.  A higher wisdom does come through, will come through, if you keep asking the question and stay open.  Listen for your dreams too, for they hold clues to your deeper awareness, what's going on beneath the surface life you are wading in.

Isn't it amazing that all this time, journal writing classes have been my part-time job, but I didn't consider it a major passion.  But it has been reignited in me as a way to reach women, to provide a safe space and support for their own wisdom to unfold. And a way to teach the thing I need to learn the most. The thing I was looking for was right under my nose (isn't it always?)

nameste,
jenn

Extreme Self Care Challenge: Learning to ask for help

I picked up a book randomly off the shelf today, looking for guidance, and it was this one: The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson (http://www.cherylrichardson.com/programs/extreme-self-care.htm).

The message jumped out at me: "The goal is to practice letting go so others can take the wheel."

She devised a list of Things you can do to support Me for her husband, so she would feel less overwhelmed. "You cannot manage you home, care for your personal needs, honor your emotional and physical health, be successful at work, or be the kind of parent you hope to be without the support of others. Period."

Uh-oh, I already know I'm not good at delegating, although I've been practising. I am such a control freak!

Negotiating is not one of my strong points - I'd rather do it myself than nag someone to do chores. Or let the door stay closed on a messy teenager's room. (are those clean clothes mixed in with dirty ones on the floor?)

So, letting go, hmmm.

We start by thinking about how many items will go on the list and where we will leave it.  On the kitchen counter beside the peanut butter stains and sesame seed crumbs near the toaster?  they usually go there....

when would you like to have these items done by? (a deadline is essential - is tomorrow midnight ok?)

what should your support person do when he or she can't meet a deadline? (sounds like a back-up plan)

who will ultimately be in charge if more help is needed? (well, I could always enlist Daddy to get in there and do the dishes if the kids wimp out on me)

Be sure to give your support person permission to let you know when you're trying to take back control (oh you mean, last night, when Hubby was cooking supper and I came back in with my winter coat on as I was leaving for quartet practice, and tried to tell him how to strain the gunk out of the chicken sauce he was making?)

It's very important to let him or her make mistakes (like those green t-shirts that used to be white, before K decided to wash her coloureds and whites together)

Keep in mind that just because something isn't done your way, it doesn't mean it's wrong. (no, but I can't be asked to fix it later either)

When given room to breathe, people generally bring their best selves to the task at hand (or let the dirty clothes lie on the floor until next week).

Good luck with delegating and asking for help.  I can see I have my work cut out for me with this letting go stuff.

musemom

What's Blocking You?

Winter is an excellent time to retreat, to nourish our inner lives, to withdraw and make plans, whether it be for a new project, a new garden in spring, a new writing schedule, or a new self-care program you want to begin.  Our energy is naturally centered near the hearth, near the warmth of indoors, at least for the solitary non-skiers amongst us.  My favourite activity is curling up with a good book beside the fireplace or a sunny window when it's minus 20 outdoors. The dogs and cats have it right - find a spot in sun, on top of a comforter or quilt, and nap.

But sometimes the lack of sun in winter can create a lethargy or winter blues in us northern climate dwellers. A lack of energy that translates into resistance to doing the creative work you usually love. Or from starting that creative project you've been dreaming about. Or maybe it's not that the lack of sunlight, you just feel blah and uninspired and blocked and you don't know why.

As I was surfing my favourite inspirational websites this week, I came across a post on resistance that really spoke to me. I have several writing projects on the back burner, and not sure why I'm blocked about getting started on the next stages, so I've been journalling about it, asking my guides for clarity. Here's the post on resistance, by Marjory Mejia.

Resistance:
"Are you feeling the pull towards expression but are encountering some resistance in your life? Do you wish you could do something you have always wanted to do but somehow you can’t get started? Are you afraid to fail? Scared of criticism? Do you doubt yourself? This is resistance, which can happen around anything and everything.


We may be tempted to see resistance as our enemy. As the Dalai Lama states, “The enemy is a very good teacher.” We can envision this resistance as a demon and start feeding it to satisfaction until it finally releases its grip on us and we reclaim this energy to do our work.

We can look at resistance in terms of forces of nature. Just like there is a force that is expansive and propels our blooming there is another that is shrinking and contracts our spirit. For all of you facing some blockages around creative expression, it might help to realize that all those fears are a measure of how important it actually is to do the work you came here to do.

What is waiting to be born within you? Can you nourish it this winter? Author Steven Pressfield in his book The War of Art, states that resistance is the block between “the life we live, and the unlived life within us.” Let’s not wait all our lives to start living."
posted by Marjory Mejia on Owning Pink.

What this may translate into practically is sitting down and doing some journalling around the question, why am I feeling stuck? or what is blocking me? how and where does resistance manifest itself?

List the ways you feel stuck, starting with how it feels in the present moment to be stuck.
Then add another column of What I want to feel - instead of feeling stuck.
and a third column of What fulfilling that want will look and feel like, practically.
(excercise borrowed from Writing down the Soul)

Ask yourself also, do I deserve to have a creative, fulfilled relationship with my work? Are you feeling a tiny bit unworthy or undeserving of help from the universe? Explore that feeling in your journal.

Do you value your work?  What came up for me this morning was how little I value the time and effort I put into my writing and teaching work.  I say I value it, but deep inside, I allow it to be belittled by my inner critic or pushed aside by other priorities.  I don't stand up for it.  I don't always make time for it, put it at the top of my list.

So, in facing the demon, accepting the lessons of what being stuck means and feels like for you, you may be able to turn it around into a self-nurturing moment of understanding.  With a little quiet nurturing of your soul/spirit, a little rocking of the injured self that feels not capable of advancing instead of beating yourself up about being lazy, you might just feel more open to getting started on something.

have a creative weekend, even if it's curled up the fire reading a good book,
enjoy
jenn/musemother

Feminine Wisdom

The world needs our feminine values, to return to balance. But sometimes when we're overwhelmed with busyness and the work-life balance takes a plunge into overtime, I wonder, what will it take to find ourselves as resplendent, strong, centered women in touch with our bodies and our own rhythms?

Our ability to tune in and find wisdom through our insight and self-reflection calls on our creativity and compassion.  Yes, we can help heal the world.  Our influence is already being felt in the ecology and peace movements, wherever taking care of others is happening. But first of all, we have to make self-care a prioirity. It takes some downtime, some quiet time and that takes Making Time.

If we can begin by trusting our own instincts, standing up for life, valuing the feminine ways of knowing (in women and in men), learning how to listen to our intuition.

One way to grow these skills is through paying attention to the body, to your own monthly rhythms.You can become more self-aware through journalling, and/or make yourself a short retreat at your monthly period time. Feminine power is the kind of power that can sit and patiently rock a teething baby for hours in the middle of the night, or give birth after many hours of labour.  Female wisdom resides inside the body. It values awareness, sensitivity, the ability to nurture, and it honours the bleeding time with solitude and retreat - with self-love.

"Women don't have to do anything" to receive this wisdom, according to Lara Owen; in fact, the less they do the better.  (adapted from Lara Owen, Her Blood is Gold http://laraowen.com/books/her-blood-is-gold/)

Above all, be gentle with yourself.  If you hear the harsh voice of criticism, soften it, for yourself and others. Give yourself some breathing room to welcome your growing self.  Your intuition will be heightened if you give it a welcome place to land, if you don't pooh-pooh it out of existence.  Be willing to be open, curious about your self, your habitual thought patterns, and don't second guess your immediate instinctual reaction to something from the gut that wells up, that comes as 'just a feeling' or an image, or a book that jumps off the shelves wanting to be read.

"Whatever the source, I have learned to pay very close attention. To ignore these promptings is usually not in my best interests. This irrationality, sometimes called women's intuition, is often demeaned and dismissed as an invalid way of knowing....I am a woman trusting my intuition."  I Am A woman Finding my Voice, Janet F. Quinn www.haelanworks.com/janetquinn.htm


Give yourself time this month to rest and retreat occasionally. Whether it be a nap, a long bath, a walk outdoors at lunchtime, let your body have some downtime,( and your mind), so you can tap into something irrational, out of the ordinary, be it as simple as listening to your breath as you sit or walk. Listen in....


nameste,
musemother
 

Journey into Presence

The journey to the centre of the universe is not 20,000 leagues under the sea, nor is it 50,000 miles to the moon.

The greatest journey is the one where we travel through our own inner landscape. Nelle Morton says, "the journey is not much a journey ahead, or a journey into space, but a journey into presence. The farthest place on earth is the journey into the presence of the nearest person to you."

I would add that sometimes the farthest journey is the journey into our own presence.  We are often fragmented, our attention scattered in this fast-paced culture where distractions abound, pulling us outwards.  Every sense is stimulated and hyperstimulated in the quest for the 'best', the best food, the best house, the best job, the best movie, the best book.  We are urged to pack the most into the least amount of time, whether we are rushing to read our emails, our blackberries, our laptop, the TV, radio commecials...we are bombarded from without.

The journey into presence implies being in stillness, finding our ground, our root, sitting with the question, letting the answers come from within.  

I am very pleased to be offering a day-long retreat on Sunday Jan 31, in Hudson, called Journey into Presence.  It's my favourite thing to do for myself, take some quiet time to unplug from the outside world, play some soothing music, light a candle and write in my journal.  


I invite anyone in the Montreal area reading this blog to send me an email for more information.

nameste,
jenn

Dreamer

What do I love, what do I want to do right now? I wrote in my journal sometime before the Christmas holidays began.

I was away in the mountains this past weekend with my kids. While they skiied with their Dad, I sat and read, wrote in my journal, did yoga, some writing exercises. It felt very grounding and peaceful. After the rush of the holidays, the marathon of friends and parties and family do's.

Reading this journal entry put me back in touch with the space I was in then, and the space I want to be in right now.  The wisdom of the heart.

Right now, in this moment, I want to allow the wisdom of my heart to bypass the strategist. I want the dreamer to awake and tell me her deepest cherished dream. I want to hold her hand and shush and rock her until she dares speak out loud her deepest wish - she has not shown herself for fear of being judged, and she is hiding underneath the bed.

She doesn't like to compete, she hates hype,  marketing, meetings and pressure to produce goals.  She is anti-goal. She lives for the feeling mode, under the surface of things. She is a shy fish. My outer voice is too loud, sometimes; it frightens her. I courted her in the past, but gave up, bured her under convention, under the 'should's', the must's, and Duty.

Right now I want to listen.
Right now I want to receive guidance.
Where are my life's interests sending me - a book, more classes, healing?
I do want to be healed.

Sometimes you have to let the wounds show, let the air at them.
Here's to opening up to heart's wisdom in 2010.

that's as far as I can go with 'planning' or goals.
Trust, surrender, giving myself the space to explore in.

New Year Begins (Again)!

(image of rising sun in the east, early December 2009)
How did we get here this fast? I mean, it was just a few months ago I was making resolutions about no more resolutions, and here it is, time to sit down with my journal and dream my way into what I want to have happen in 2010.

Here it is end of December, and the lake is (almost) freezing over with some cold mist rising from the snow and ice, creating zigzagging patterns over the surface, and some open water....it will take a few more days of minus 10 Celsius to get totally solid.  The setting sun is throwing yellow light over the whole sifting misty lake, quite magical (not as magical as seeing the landscape on Pandora, in Avatar, but hey...see http://www.avatarmovie.com/).

Here is my list of things I am already ready to receive (not 'what I want', or 'goals' nor resolutions, but what I am already thankful for because it is being provided).

I am grateful for the lakeview and the wide open sky in front of me.
I am grateful for the space to write in and create.
I am grateful for the continued health and independence of my teenaged children.
I am grateful for the continued happiness and fulfillment of my husband.
I am grateful for new opportunities for music and singing.
I am grateful for lots of growth and learning.
I am grateful for my new book Tao of Turning 50 being published and widely distributed.
I am grateful for being financially independent.
I am grateful for providing for my family.
I am grateful for many many retreats and women's circles.
I am grateful for thousands of more readers of my blogs.
I am grateful for helping thousands of women uncover the unknown.
I am grateful for my continued health and stamina, so I can create more wisdom sharing venues.
I am grateful for uncovering networks of women with similar ideals and values.
I am grateful for partnering with like-minded women.
I am grateful for the ability to focus on my new projects and publishing.
I am grateful for being able to travel and work with writing mentors like Nathalie Goldberg.
I am grateful for being with thoughtful friends who care about my needs and my work.
I am grateful for sharing love with so many people.
I am grateful for my large extended family on both sides and their health.
I am grateful for being loved.
I am grateful for being cared for.
I am grateful for new horizons opening up.
I am grateful for taking risks and stepping forward.
I am grateful for sharing these steps with all who are interested.
I am grateful for another year of creativity, in song, in laughter.
I am grateful.

Thanks to this creative universe we live and thrive in, thanks be.

(and special thanks to my mother, my sisters and brothers, for a wonderful 3 days with them in Ottawa this past weekend)

musemother/jenn

The Ragged Edge of Modern Life

Here we are on the eve of Christmas, wrapping presents, running to the Pharmaprix for last minute stocking gifts because we just realized Janie has 2 more than Johnnie, and forgot about the cat and the dog's stockings....

awakening from a short sleep because of partying with neighbours the night before, more tired than yesterday...

sex is just a dream you had the other night, it didn't actually happen....

too pooped to coop, and forever catching up with more caffeine, and weary to the bone.

What do the latest health studies call this?  Adrenal fatigue syndrome (or another name for burnout according to an article in Vogue's December issue, the reason I bought the magazine, called The Ragged Edge). http://www.vogue.com/

We are all plugged in more than ever, and our nerves are over stimulated and 'hypertweeted'. Not only mid-life women are being treated for stress-related illnesses, but women in mid-life are particularly vulnerable. "When we're under ling-term stress, our adrenal glands continually churn out high levels of the hormone cortisol. Eventually the adrenals can't sustain that level of activation, cortisol levels plummet, and our body can no longer respond effectively to stress." Dr. Amy Saltzman, M.D. in Menlo Park California, Vogue December issue 2009.

I've blogged about adrenal fatigue on ms menopause blog (http://www.msmenopause.blogspot.com/) and there are wonderful articles at http://www.womentowomen.com/ on this subject.

It's a bit like having the fight or flight option on your adrenal glands always on 'on'.  We wear ourselves down by the constant beep of the phone, computer, email, blackberry, calling us to action.  Everything feels like an emergency when you are always rushing, or addicted to the adrenaline fix, as Cheryl Richardson calls it in her book The Art of Extreme Self-Care.  It's difficult to unhook ourselves from being always reachable, always available, yet it causes a severe attention deficit as we try to multi-task our way through our days, dealing with clients emails, stirring the stew pot on the stove, helping Janie with her homework and catching the 6:00 news on TV at the same time.

What if you use this holiday as a real unplugged vacation?  Go somewhere where there is no internet.  Unplug the computer and the phone, and just sit in front of the fire unwrapping presents and sipping hot chocolate, or even better, get outside and get some physical activity, skiing, snowshoeing, swimiming (if you live in Hawaii or Australia).

Get lots of Vitamin B, fish oil land asian ginsent. Eat well, rest, and devote at least a little bit of time every day to doing nothing - be that by watching your breath, sitting in zen meditation or looking out the window at the amazing changes in the sky moment by moment.

Happy Holidays, Happy Restfulness,
May the new year bring you permission to feel more serenity, tranquility and love,

musemother/jenn