Mid Life Angst and Turbulence

More than the night sweats and hot flashes, what really changed for me at menopause was my emotional landscape. I wasn't sure what the cause was, but I became hyper-sensitive. I cried easily at movies, couldn't stand to watch car crashes or bloody violence on the TV screen, I would flinch or jump at loud noises, and was generally more anxious than I remember being, especially while driving.

I would never have related this to hormone imbalance or menopause, if I hadn't read the following on the http://www.womentowomen.com website.

Here's an excerpt of the useful information I found there:

"Let’s start by looking at the root cause of anxiety — the destructive effect of stress on hormone balance.

It now seems the norm for women to be “maxed out” in all directions. Most of us work, and the workplace has gotten more demanding. Most of us raise children and help care for aging parents. We often have relationship issues that create stress too. And we are conditioned to put ourselves in last place on the list of priorities.

The type of stress is just as important as the amount. So much of the stress we experience is constant — it never goes away. The human body simply isn’t designed for constant stress. When that occurs, our ability to cope with stress can be overwhelmed. If you inventory the stress in your life you may realize that much of it is unremitting. This can give rise to a serious condition known as adrenal fatigue. It is also a cause of chronic anxiety that is often diagnosed as an anxiety disorder.

The estrogen dominance common to perimenopause probably adds to this “anxiety response.” In a normal menstrual cycle, estrogen dominates at the beginning of the cycle, and progesterone rises in the second half. The progesterone has a calming, relaxing effect. But in perimenopause we have more cycles in which we don’t ovulate, so the progesterone level stays low. (Also see our article on irregular periods.) For some women, anxiety attacks are their major symptom of perimenopause."

Add to all this the bad habits we have of jumpstarting our bodies with caffeine and eating poorly when stressed, and you have the recipe for higher levels of anxiety." www.womentowomen.org

I know many women in the same boat, with aging parents and teen-agers, full-time or part-time jobs, or sick family members that need care-taking, and very little time to care for themselves, let alone eat a healthy meal and get to bed early every night. So if you are one of those women burning the candle at both ends, don't be surprised if you feel a little raw or as if your nerves are exposed. Susun Weed, in her book The Menopausal years The Wise Woman Way says this can also come about due to our own neglect of listening in.

"You may think your feelings are out of proportion, too sharp, quite irrational, possibly insane. But, I assure you, they are only raw from neglect. Receive them without judgment, nourish them, and your 'uncontrollable' feelings during the menopausal years will lead you to the deepest heart of your own secrets.

If you cannot tolerate those about you, leave. Go to the sheltering space of your cave. Claim your Crone's Year Away."  www.susunweed.com

Here's something you can do to feel better: write about your feelings in your journal, get in touch with your buried feelings (anger, grief, loss); Sing the blues or dance it out with some salsa music. Get more sunshine - not too hard in spring and summer. Move your body out into nature and take a long, healing walk. Get a massage - you'll be surprised what emotions well up sometimes while you are lying on a massage table. If tears come, let them. Find a homeopath to help you find a remedy. There are several remedies for emotional upset, overwhelm, feelings of depression or wanting to be left alone. Homeopathy was the only remedy I needed in menopause. It's inexpensive and has no side effects.

Finally, get thyself away on a retreat! - you may not be able to take a year off from your life, but you can certainly take one or two days. Find a woman's retreat by googling it, or look in your local health food store or yoga centre. I hold women's retreats once a season, so check this blog for announcements.



A new website coming in the fall, with my book, The Tao of Turning Fifty, and updates on courses and retreats.


Take good care of you!!

Nameste,
musemother

Mother's Day in Spirit

Good morrow to you, all mothers, daughters of mothers, grandmothers, and grand-daughters.

yes, it was yesterday, and I was with you all in spirit. I was enjoying my Mother's Day getaway in a women's retreat in my home-birthplace of Arnrprior Ontario with Karen Ely of A Woman's Way www.awomansway.com.

What a wonderful gift to myself, plus my close friend Brigitte came along, and we got to share with each other on the journey.  I stopped in to see my mother at the end of the afternoon, saw my siblings and celebrated briefly before going home to a husband-cooked supper (not a cooked husband, but a meal cooked by him :))

So, what did I receive on Mother's Day? ahh, such gifts of nature, and childhood, and remembrance of my girl child spirit playing in the woods along the Ottawa River. Memories of the moments I felt most alive, most in tune with Mother Nature, Mother Earth, and the girl who sang to the trees and flowers.

In mid-life, a woman benefits greatly from communing with her young girl self - what did you love when you were eight years old? what activities did you do then that you no longer do? can you bring some of those back into your life? the walking and skipping, the laughing at the buzzing of a bee in a flower? the singing to the fireflies?

Find that little girl energy and I guarantee you there will be more joy in your life.

happy May, month of our mother,
musemother/jenn

Mid-Life Transition

Questions and more questions - where I am going? what do I love? what do I want to be when I grow up?

The mid-forties until mid-fifties is a time of questing and transition.  Lots of my friends are in this age-group, and are finding themselves dealing with questions and uncertainty.  Menopause is not all about the hot flashes, ladies.  The greatest longing women have at mid-life is to get to know themselves, their desires, their passions, and what the heck to do with the rest of their lives now that their families are demanding less of them, or the job they've devoted their life to developing expertise in loses its appeal.

It's a weird time - I remember grieving the lack of affection and connection with my teen-agers, especially my daughter who was so closely bonded to me up to age 13.  I certainly wanted them to be more independent and grown up so I could have more time for my interests, but when they showed signs of needing me less, it made me feel anxious and at a loss. Going through menopause while they went through puberty was not easy either - lots of flashing hormones and moodiness galore. It's difficult to keep calm, not follow their mood swings, in the midst of your own peaks and valleys.

Sometimes it feels like everything conspires against us - our bodies no longer feel under our control - weight gains or losses, shifts of body fat and shape, night sweats and the rest of it.  Digestion changes, and food intolerances surface. It feels like work-life balance is harder to achieve - more is being asked of us, and managing our time becomes a challenge.  It's difficult to even put ourselves on the agenda, get to the basic self-care and rest that we need to feel sane.


Women at mid-life often feel the need to get away, to be alone with themselves, to reflect and become more aware of their own center.  Where am I in my life? What do I want to do next? are frequent questions.  I find that journalling about this, and doing exercises designed to help me discover what I love, has been the greatest help.  Plus talking with the women in my women's circle - having someone just listen while I speak my own truth, however confused I may seem to be, just by speaking it, I come closer to knowing what I want, who I am at the core of me.

I remember around age 48 to 51 (when I hit menopause officially) being the toughest years.  I had been at home full time with my kids, volunteering at their school, trying to get published, doing readings and teaching a few classes.  I was searching around to find out where next to invest my time and energy - which project was calling me. It took a few years of taking courses, going on retreats, and lots of journalling, to finally come up with an answer that felt comfortable - I didn't want to go back to school yet again (having done that in my 30's).  I just wanted to find a focus that would merge my heart's desire and a way to work with my talents and skills. Teaching journal writing for women and leading retreats is what I discovered, and it has been such a pleasure - I get to explore my own interests and share them with other women.  The feedback I get is that it's eye-opening and life changing, and that's gratifying for me.

My feeling is that, although it's hard to stay with the questions and uncertainty, one has to develop patience to ride it out - to just be there in the turbulent waters - trying to ground and center - but not pushing the questions away.  Try to love the questions, as Rilke puts it:

“Be patient with all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.” 
- Rainer Maria Rilke

In the questing, in the search for center, slowly slowly come the answers.  Know that this is a temporary time, the transition time, The Change, helps.  You will recover your sense of balance.  You will come through the hormonal storm feeling more whole, more yourself.  Piece by piece, bits of you will become clear - as the extraneous things that don't matter peel away, the real depths of your personality and psyche will show through.  You will discover what you want, what you've always wanted.  You will know yourself, and be true to yourself above all things.

Give yourself the time needed to drift a little while, to be in the hallway between two doors - one hand on the future door handle, one hand on the past - not knowing what the next step is, but trusting that the universe will unfold as it should, and above all, be gentle with yourself in the unfolding -

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Desiderata

nameste,

musemother

Grounding Myself in Self-Knowing

"Can one actually find oneself in someone else? In someone else's love? ... I believe that true identiy is found as Eckhart once said, by 'by going into one's own ground and knowing oneself.'" Gift from the Sea,  Anne Morrow Lindbergh



I am trying to discipline myself this morning, through writing in my journal after meditating, and before getting to the To Do List.  To discover where my own ground is, and how best to know what I want to work on. I am trying to put my work on the front burner, on the top of the list.  But it's very tempting to let the world decide for me what is important. My daughter or my son, the quartet or the chorus can all throw 'stuff' at me that needs to be done. The house is an octopus with tentacles in every room, and piles of laundry await me every Monday. I still need to put away the table and decorations from our Easter Brunch yesterday, and my son came back from residence with suitcases full of sheets and things to put away.

So I was reading some quotes from Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsh http://www.cwg.org/
that inspired me and I share some of them here:


"I am is the strongest creative statement. It sets in motion what you call forth.

First think about what you want to be, do, have. Think often until very clear. Think about nothing else. Discard all negative thoughts, pessimism, doubts, fears, disclipine your mind to hold fast to the original creative thought. When your thoughts are clear and steadfast, begin to speak them as truths. Say them out loud. Use the command, "I am".

I tell you this...your life proceeds out of your intentions for it."

So here goes, I'm going to take my own advice, and think long about some "I am" statements that I want to manifest.  Affirmations written in "I am" form may help me get where I'm going.

I am focused on helping women give themselves permission to take care of themselves.

I am worthy and deserving of putting my full attention on writing this book, Tao of Turning Fifty.
I am reaching out to other women in mid-life to share their stories with me.
I am worthy and deserve time to pursue my own interests and have my needs met.
I am growing in self-awareness, self-knowledge, and this make the world a better place!

I am enjoying the sunshine on the lake this morning and a calm meditative mood.
enjoy the Spring Sun,
musemother/jenn

 

Earth Day and Easter

There's a reason Earth Day is in Spring - we are giving thanks for newly green sprouts, tulips and crocuses poking their greenery above earth, snow melted, and wetness falling to provide more green leaves.

Easter, as my sister put it in her blog Aurum, is about rebirth and fertile earth. Tammuz and Adonis were  middle eastern gods celebrated during spring rituals celebrating the dying and resurrecting of the seasons - they were both beloved of goddesses who represented Mother Earth - Inanna and Astarte or Ishtar, much like the Greek story of Demeter and Persephone, who lived in the underworld for 6 months of the year, creating winter. See this website for the mythological stories behnd Easter. //www.prime.org/easter.htm

The very name "Easter" is derived from Eastre, or Eostre, the Anglo-Saxon Goddess of spring and dawn. So there are many ancient pre-Christian references to this spring festival.

I also remember loving the newness of a Spring Coat and Hat (worn with little white gloves and patent leather shoes) for Easter Mass every year. Later this turned into a lace veil, when hats were no longer required at church. Easter was a magical time of chocolate bunnies, jelly beans and candy appearing on the dining room table behind closed doors, no entry until after attendance at Mass. And of course, Good Friday was a solemn walk around the stations of the cross contemplating a dying god.

Earth Day is a relatively new phenomenon, founded by US Senator Gaylord Nelson in 1970 to put the plight of the environment on the political front burner through a grass-roots movement (much like the anti-Vietnam protests which blossomed on university and college campuses). http://earthday.envirolink.org/history.html  Read his story for the background on how the environmental movement got started with a concern for what humans are doing to the earth we live on.

I am grateful to both mythology, Christianity, Earth Day and grass-roots environmental protesters in the 70's for bringing attention to how we treat the abundant gifts of the earth, for the cyclical beauty of recurring seasons, for the potential for regeneration and new life out of death. For we have reason to celebrate life after a long cold winter, and to wonder at the circle of life and death and our place in the mystery.

I will spend this Easter in the company of family, celebrating two new births (great-grandchildren for my father-in-law), remembering recently deceased family members (my mother-in-law and an uncle), and eating from the bounty of Mother Earth in a Spring Feast.

How will you remember and give thanks?

Happy Easter, Joyeuses Paques
musemother/jenn

Honouring the Heart's Call

excerpt from the Artist's Creed by Jan Philips, Marry Your Muse http://www.janphillips.com

I believe that the time I spend creating my art is as precious as the time I spend giving to others.

I am worth the time to create whatever I am called to create.

These messages about self-worth and creativity are very timely. While working with the Visual Journaling workbook, I chose to write about an inner conflict, and the one that came up for me was the conflict between serving and writing (whether non-fiction, stories or poems). It's very easy for me to respond to a call for help, or get involved in a project that is worthy, giving my time to others, or "othering" as I have started to call it. It's like mothering. I respond in a flash to my kid's needs, especially if they're sick or unwell. Partly for selfish reasons, I think, because it feeds my "good girl" image of myself. It makes me feel good to do good deeds. There's nothing wrong with that. However, when it becomes an obsessive-compulsive reflex, to always respond to calls from others and never make time for my own work, that is a problem.

The problem is also that my 'work' doesn't always pay. I may send out a story or poem and get paid in copies of a magazine, or get paid $50, or more if I am lucky, for a book review. I have chosen to work in the creative side, not the journalistic side of writing, and there is no immediate reward. This makes it justifiable in my sub-conscious, anyway, to put it off. The other volunteer jobs I am doing are not paying me either, to be coordinator of my chorus' management team, to be teaching writing classes at the Cancer Wellness Center, to find speakers for my women's circle, even writing this blog, but they do give back in terms of a feeling of fulfillment, or community giving.

Having been brought up enamoured of the Christian ideal of serving others first, plus living in a community environment where service was highly prioritized for most of my twenties, has made this my built in default mode. How to retrain my thinking and value my own creative work, even if I am not paid for it? Even if the book deal is far off, and the draft has been sitting on my computer for two years....waiting for me to give it my attention, waiting for me to value my own work. I've been running after workshops and retreats to try and jump start my commitment to a project outside of me, but I'm beginning to think the problem is on the inside of me.

That is why I am loving reading this book, Marry Your Muse. I recommend it to all you creatives who are torn between doing your paid job, your housework, your caretaking work, your volunteer work and your heart's passion. Consider this: you will be at peace with yourself when you respond to the voice of your own heart. We can better respond to all things from that awareness, whether it be the call to serve or the call to write.

Entering my own quiet place, in the silence, I listen and learn what is next for me, where my path is leading, and how I can be of service while remaining true to the work to which I am called.

Maybe my being creative and writing is the greatest service I am being called to perform. How will I know if I never give myself the time to find out? to practice listening.

Making time to create is like making time for prayer.....

nameste,
musemother

My imagination is a lake

the lake is a mirror with ice chunks this morning
sun, gulls, a few ducks resting.
how do I receive inspiration? randomly
from the earth, air and sky
I am nature bound. Connecting to my essence
flowing with it.
I relax and access my imagination. Even
a minute staring at the lake calms my mind.

The ice melts, the water flows.
It is just the way it is. Enough warmth
in the air breaks up the frozen, gets
it moving.

Let the imagination warm up too!
let the intuition speak in a loud voice!
Receive and give, receive and give.

Heart - your true excitement comes
in creation.

Self care and Journaling

We all must learn to believe that we are worthy and deserve time to pursue our own interests, to have our needs met and to enjoy lives that are rich, full and abundant in every way. Until we learn this soul lesson, we will always be in conflict as we continue to put others' needs ahead of our own.

My growing makes the world a little better for everyone....

Be the best you can be....Allow yourself time and space to Grow.

from Visual Journaling, Going Deeper than Words
(using art to get in touch with feelings and give voice to your soul, even if you can't draw).
Barbara Ganim and Susan Fox

Real Meditation is the Rhythm of this Breath

Want to know what the true meditation is like? watch this clip about the Breath of Life.

Menopausal Journey and the Feminine

The gift of the menopausal journey is the wisdom to know when to rest, to listen to our feminine wisdom.

Too often we align ourselves with the outer values of the work force:  production, performing, success and goal-making - and these drive us forward until we hit the brick wall of exhaustion.  Helen Luke, author of  Woman, Earth and Spirit, The Feminine Symbol and Myth http://www.bookfinder.com/author/helen-m-luke/would say this is because we don't value the feminine values of receiving, openness, and holding space. The feminine fertilizes in the dark space where the seed lies in the earth, receiving nourishment, light and water and heat from above. It is the earth's nature to foster growth in the dark so that the seed may reach up to the light. This inner fertilizing of our soul growth is as important as the creative output phase.

The soul needs tranquility, and rest, not only fire; inner cultivation occurs in the darkness by resting, finding completeness and wholeness from within.  "The way back and down to those springs [water of life] and to the roots of the tree is likewise the way on and up to the spirit of air and fire in the vaults of heaven." Luke

If we don't give ourselves time to rest and be still, to listen within, due to the pressure to perform and feel worthy, then we "scorch our inner garden with the destructive fire" according to Luke.  We burn up, we burn out. We feel dry and empty.

So if you are feeling scorched, and in need of some fertilizing power, think about what elements you need to help you rest and go within.

Consider going on a retreat, or making yourself a mini-retreat for an hour, by unplugging the phone, the computer and emails and writing in your journal. Even over lunchtime, you can make a mini-retreat by walking outside in the sunshine, finding a shady tree to sit under, reflecting on the waters of life that nourish you and what they may be.

Fifty is strong. Fifty is the end of the burdens of retarded childhood, one’s own and one’s children’s.  It is freedom from menstruation. It is full of power. It is being totally alive and having plenty of time to be alive.  Louise Mattlage, Women and aging

jenn/musemother

Inner Peace and Adrenaline Rush

Life goes by so quickly - my god - it was yesterday I bought a new printer, and today it's already 5 years old, the printer head can't be replaced because the model doesn't exist anymore. It cost me $350 to buy this Canon printer/scanner/fax and today I replaced it for $129 plus tax.

Watching people downtown on Tuesday night, St-Denis and Ontario Street, I was struck by the speed we were all moving. I was rushing, late to a poetry reading sound-check, they were rushing - Ginette Reno was doing a launch at Theatre St-Denis, we were all dressed in black or dark winter colours, and walking as quickly as we could, pushing past the slower ones.

Last night driving to a practice with my quartet just after supper time, I saw commuters still coming home from the train station, walking to their homes, everyone seemed to walk so quickly - probably hungry for their supper.

Is it just me, or have we speeded up the pace of life? I don't feel old yet, at 56 I'm certainly not one of the old fogies driving at 30 Km, but I feel allergic to all this speed and rushing. I have been used to it, even addicted to the adrenaline rush for years now. Running, rushing, pushing myself to go faster and get more done. And yes, always meditating every day, so allowing some time for slowness. But modus operandi was fast faster and fastest.  I pride myself on getting back to people within the same day of receiving a request - why I have no idea.

I'm listening to a CD for my retreat: I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me is good to go....I am gentle with myself (Karen Drucker http://www.karendrucker.com) and it feels so soothing.  I want to slow down the pace so I can bear it, so my body can keep up, so that my inner peace can catch up with me.

Menopause has slowed me down somewhat. The sore shoulder has slowed me down somewhat. Doing retreats and leading writing workshops brings me into the present where my enjoyment is, and more and more, I choose to move at that rhythm.

What do you think? Is slowing down an option in this hyper-fast world?

musemother

Heart Centered Healing

Since October I have been living with a frozen shoulder, and seriously questioning the source of its restricted movement - was I being asked to do less, to rest more? Yes, partly. Was I being asked to relinquish my self-stated role as Overarching Boss of Everything (at least in my household)? yes, partly.  Was it about surrendering to my left side, my receptive, feminine side and letting go of the yang, masculine active side? yes, partly.  But today I heard another piece of the message.

A friend of mine, Lauren Young http://ascendingenergies.com/ had set up an interview with me over the phone as practice for a class he is doing at the NHC (http://www.nhcinstitute.com/). He began by asking me if I had any questions - and the only thing that really popped up for me was a question relating to the shoulder injury.  He told me it was not related to doing too much, but more related to the heart energy and its expression being stuck. He suggested it was an energetic blockage, like a bunch of tangled knots in my shoulder, but coming from my heart's desire for full expression. (I first typed this as 'nots' in  my shoulder....hmmm)

While listening to him, I was getting an internal message that this might also be linked to my desire to be more public, more out there in the world with my message for women, with a new book I'm writing, the retreats and workshops I lead and need to publicize better.  And also about the need to protect myself, the push-pull conflict of wanting to be more available for new opportunities, and yet fearful of how much I want my private time for myself, for quiet reading, reflection and resting.  It could also be about how I manifest my energy in the world - as loving energetically flowing person, or as fearful of being judged, vulnerable, unloveable person. Finally, what I learned is that the most important power I have within me is the power of my intention. What do I truly want?

This was an important new understanding for me, and I look forward to exploring it some more.

It was very helpful to have a trained, intuitive counsellor bring clarity and guidance on this issue. Thanks Lauren!

I subsequently had an energetic healing treatment with Lauren, and much of the pain was removed immediately. That night, some of it came back, as I had overused my newly freed arm in writing all afternoon. I will need a second treatment, it hasn't gone away completely. But I also learned about a book by Donna Eden called Energy Medecine and ordered her Kit on-line.http://www.innersource.net/em/

If you haven't done so already, check it out. Everyone should know how to improve their energy and move towards healing what is stuck!

nameste
musemother/jenn

Reclaim Empty Space for Yourself

Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it’s about self-preservation."—Audrey Lorde

I'm preparing a retreat for March 27, and as always, the exercises that call out to me to offer are usually things that I am working on myself or are close to my heart.

It seems life is always too busy for us to take a moment for ourselves. A busy mom, with three kids, in my yoga class today was complaining of sore legs, and the instructor asked, do you ever get a chance to sit for 10 minutes in the day? No, she replied, quizzically, as if this was unheard of.

I well remember those days of small children and non-stop activity. Life with young adults who have their own lives and barely check in for meal times is quite different.  But I still make myself crazy busy some days, and forget to stretch when I'm on the computer, or resist getting out for a walk in the sunshine with my dog because of the 'list of things to do'.

Here are a few suggestions for reclaiming that empty space on the agenda and filling it with Me Time (for your sanity and health, adapted from Oprah magazine).

Do one thing at a time.Don’t make the bed while brushing your teeth, check your voice mail while eating lunch or half listen to the kids while glancing at the news.

Get lost in the flow....learn a new musical instrument, write in your journal, sketch in a notebook, swim laps in a pool.

Stolen moments: take those tiny nooks of time to walk to work, eat lunch outside on a bench, make dinner without answering the phone, breathe deeply and check in with your body every hour or so, gaze out the window and daydream; The practice of doing nothing feeds your need to replenish, which is just as important as the to-do list.

Be silly. Do one fun, spontaneous thing that makes you laugh – dance alone, blast a CD during morning commute, eat a lollipop in public. 

Take a half-hour walk with a friend and leave your cell phone at home. Focus on discovering something new in your surroundings you’ve never noticed.

Give yourself a day of doing nothing, to balance the days of doing too much. Rest, or engage in joyful activity - what will recharge you?

Attend a one-day retreat, Sunday, March 27, Spring Wellness Retreat, H-OM yoga studio in Hudson. $75. 10 am to 4 pm. Bring a lunch. Come recharge your batteries with creative journaling exercises and gentle yoga. www.homyogacenter.com

nameste

jenn/musemother

International Woman's Day Call Out

Today I browsed several women's websites and blogs, and honestly have to say, WoW! there are a lot of seriously inspiring women who are Influencers and Leaders in the world. Here are a few: Eve Ensler, found of V-Day and writer of the Vagina Monologues (http://www.vday.org/vday_video.html), Oriah Mountain Dreamer, author of The Invitation (http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/), Lissa Rankin, doctor, author and founder of http://www.owningpink.com/, Joan Borysenko, author of a new book on burnout: Fried, why you burn out and how to revive (www.joanborysenko.com); Alexandra Pope, author of The Wild Genie and expert on the benefits of the menstrual cycle (http://www.wildgenie.com/) and Janet Connor, author of Writing down your Soul, one of the books that has influenced me most this past year http://www.writingdownyoursoul.com/tp40/default.asp?ID=122654 and Jennifer Louden who is re-inventing herself from the Comfort Queen to a teacher of teachers, at http://www.jenniferlouden.com/.

There are many more, but I'll stop the list here - I have a wonderful women's circle here in Beaconsfield, and I send my love and appreciation to all 10 of them, plus the 37 wonderful women in the West Island Chorus, a barbershop chorus in the Sweet Adeline's family, and the three lovely ladies in Over the Top Quartet with whom I sing.  All my female friends - who know who you are - who bring me such support and love, and companionship, and are always available to raise a glass and say cheers!

To the women in my writing workshops, to the fellow yoginis in my yoga class, to my yoga instructors, to my mother and sisters, to all the women who have crossed my path and are probably on my email list....Happy Women's Day!

thanks and praise,
jenn/musemother

Exploring rest in many forms

Funny thing happens when you get hurt, have a body part that aches or is not functioning...you become very aware of your body. Pain wakes you up to the fact that you are living in a human body. It has limitations, it has ecstacies. It can root me in the present moment just to listen to my breath coming and going.

This frozen shoulder, my right shoulder, my lifting, stirring, writing, moving, pushing, do everything with arm, is forcing me to slow down. I can grocery shop, but I can't lift the heavy bags. I can cook, but I need help getting out the heavy Creuset pots. It irks me to have to ask for help. But when I try and do everything I used to do my arm aches all night and I can't sleep.

I did acupunture, physio, and now I'm trying yoga nidra and soon qi-gong. The acupuncture helped, but it's still been five months now, and my chiropractor/naturopath mentioned it may take nine months before it resolves!

Last night, in my first yoga nidra class, we lay on our mats, after doing some initial leg stretches, and twists, covered ourselves with a comfy blanket and gathered pillows under our legs or heads, and spent 45 minutes listening to the yoga instructor leading us through all the parts of the body, and even some emotional mapping - what was coming up, what did we feel in our bodies. It was so deep, I think I may have fallen asleep! apparently yoga nidra has that effect.

The benefits of a 45 minute session equal 3-4 hours of sleep. It takes us into a deep alpha state, I'm guessing. Here is what Barbara Pearce sent our class about yoga nidra:

Yoga Nidra works by putting to rest the constant low grade state of alarm or fear that many or most of us live in. Through the use of the Inner Resource, the Rotation of Consciousness, breath-work, opposites, the cultivation of ananda AND Pure Being (non separative Awareness) we are invited into ever deepening states of relaxation and ease...each step helps to soothe the ancient fears that live in our deep unconscious and nervous system. Continued practice can help to bring more awareness to this primal function so that we notice when it arises and then have choice with it. Eventually the practice can open to an experience of fearlessness that comes in the recognition that no "other" exists. When everything is seen as "me", there is no threat.” ~ Anne Douglas

It's an interesting experience; I'm going back for 5 more classes. We'll see just how restful this kind of rest can be.

nameste,
Jenn/musemother

Valentine's Week

Consider that February is really the middle of winter and you understand why we need a Valentine's Week, not just one day.

Hold your sweetie every night in your arms.

Love your body as you take that shower or bath, loving every light-filled cell.

Be gentle with yourself.

Be tender with your heart, like a newborn baby child.

Know that you are love, and you are loved :)

I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go....from a song by Karen Drucker

Last night the moon came dropping its clothes in the street.
I took it as a sign to start singing,
falling up into the bowl of sky.
The bowl breaks. Everywhere is falling everywhere.
Nothing else to do.
......~ Rumi


Happy Valentine's,
musemother

Inner Guidance is one breath away

What I love about my Inner Guidance System is that it's so close to me.

Only a breath away.

All I have to do is sit quietly for a moment, and close my eyes, take a breath and relax into my body.

I gently breathe and let go, letting thoughts float away like clouds passing in the sky.

I let my attention come deeper down, into the belly, with my breath.

And rest there.

In this quiet place inside, I find my inner guidance or inner wisdom comes to me naturally without forcing

Answers to questions arise, I remember things I had forgotten. In this still empty place, the waters are clear and I see my peaceful reflection.

Often, I feel gratitude for just being here. I feel the simplicity, the oneness.

I feel grateful to my teacher for showing me how to go inside.

And grateful for finally turning within for guidance. Because it's so portable. It's always with me.

nameste,
jenn/musemother

Signs you're losing it

Do you know the signs, the signals, the symptoms, that you're doing too much, that you're about to blow up, that you need to take a break before you break down?

Sometimes we don't listen to the soft hints, the quiet interior whispers. Sometimes we feel too guilty, too responsible, too conflicted between serving others and being selfish, so we overextend and overextend until...

we have a stroke, or we break a leg, or we get a frozen shoulder, or pneumonia, or we break a hip and need a long convalescence, a much needed rest.

We all know people - I know two in the last week - to whom this has happened. And the first thing I think is, oh yes, they were so busy, they didn't know how to slow down, now they have no choice.

We do have a choice to hear the signals and symptoms from our wise bodies and react, to take care of our selves before we get hit with an illness that forces us to take good care.

What can I do, you ask? how will I know?

One of my signals is irritability. When I am overextended, or overtired, I don't even want to pat the cat. I don't want to water the plants, and I don't want to hear someone calling "mom" from down the hall. I get on edge, cranky or panic easily at small demands. When this happens, it's a signal to me to book a massage, take some much needed 'me time', make a mini-retreat one morning, spend time alone.

Another signal might be anxiety, pit of the stomach in knots all the time, no time to relax, or tight shoulders and achey neck, clenching your teeth and sore jaw, or sleepless nights thinking over and over the same problem. Flying off the handle at your kids or your boss when they make one demand too many....(they don't know you're at your limit....). NOTICE what your body does to signal to you that something is off, something is making you tense and upset.

What to do to remedy the situation: Put yourself on the agenda - don't be part of the Superwoman Club, the Women who Do Too Much and don't know how to stop and breathe - Make the time, don't want for the time to come for self-care - Write it into your schedule.

Give Yourself Permission to rest - I can't sing the praises of naps enough - they got me through menopause, and continue to be a great source of nourishment.

If you want to hear more, I am giving a lecture on THe Power of the Pause, at the Beaconsfield Library, Tuesday February 8, 7:30 pm.

nameste
Jennifer

Power of the Pause, intro

We live in a society that is obsessed with productivity and work. We have even banished the Sabbath or sacred rest day. We want material goods and professional success and we are willing to work like crazy to get it. But at what price?

Listen to the nerve-brain-Crunch of constantly being connected to twitter facebook instant messaging, texting, blackberry - crackberry..... The saying “we are all connected” is used in the Ecological movement as a metaphor for our need to take care of the planet and each other – but what we are more likely to be connected to is the super highway of Information on the internet and constant feeling of pressure, of 24/7 work and less play or down time. Increased access and speed of information coming to us increases our expectations of absolute productivity. Our response time has come down to immediate or instant, we have lost the impulse or the know-how to Pause and Rest – there is no more Sabbath, no ‘day off’ of our Instant Connection to Everything.

In the larger picture, all this 100% Connection to Information and all work no play, is the path to Burn-Out and Exhaustion. And that is what is worrisome.

Busy is the new "fine" - we are proud to be busy.

But the cost to our selves is high.

Stay tuned for more about The Power of the Pause, Lecture at Beaconsfield Library, Tuesday, February 8, 7:30 pm.
Jennifer

I will be gentle with myself

here's a lovely video and song by Karen Drucker
found on youtube. I have her music on a Retreat CD put together for A Woman's Way (Karen Ely)www.awomansway.com and it is full of gems like this one. You can order it on-line at http://www.aretreatofmyown.com/

A New Year's Wish

Close your eyes, make a wish.
Something true.
Something that feels good.
Something that carries you above fear.
Something that helps your heart breathe a little.
Something that makes your toes tingle and your fingers giggle.
Something small and doable.
Something you won't go back on.
Something you love to feel, always.
Something you already are, underneath.

Ok, what is it?

Write it down in the present tense as if you are already living it.

I am feeling peaceful and light in my whole being.
I lighten up and release old hurts.

Repeat it three times every morning to yourself as you look in the mirror.

My wish for you in 2011 is that you believe it will come true.

nameste
jenn/musemother

Peaceful Holidays to You

In the quiet stillness of a snowy morning, in the calm before the storm of Christmas day, before the unwrapped presents litter the floor and the smell of turkey wafting from the oven, I allow myself to rest.

In the busy finished shopping days and wrapping wrapping Christmas Rap wrapping days, I allow myself to sit in stillness.

In the baking, roasting, cooking prep days of thawing and stirring and toasting nuts, I slow down and allow myself to take a breath.

What does your heart want to feel today?

What does your love of sharing the feasting and giving and drinking with family need you to do to stay open?

What do you need to really Feel like Christmas today?

Enjoy this spirit-filled time, allow yourself the gift of presence
today, tomorrow and all through the New Year.

nameste and Merry Holidays
a peaceful New Year to you

Jenn/musemother

I Love being a Girl TED talk in India

This is an incredible video - please watch and be inspired!

Ten Ways To Reduce Holiday Stress

It's countdown time - less than two weeks until December 25. How can you enjoy yourself during this mad rush to get all the shopping, baking, cooking, wrapping, parties etc done? Start here:

1. Remember, you’re only human; discover on-line shopping. Get it delivered.
2. Trying to be everywhere at once is impossible. Do one thing at a time.
3. Relax and breathe; be happy with getting less done in one day.
4. Enlist the elves and ask for help: don’t allow yourself to be spread too thin.
5. Rediscover the word "no" and say it meaningfully.
6. Make space for yourself on the agenda, and not just a pedicure.
7. Allow yourself some down time to do nothing when you need to.
8. How can you make “less is more” work for you?
9. Simplify, re-use, re-gift; scale down the celebration.
10. Never compare or contrast yourself with what your best friend is doing. This is your Holiday Time.

"You do not owe anyone your time. When you realize that, others will respect your time much more." – Martha Beck. 

Inspired by a list found on the Flourishing Woman.com

Happy Holidays

Jenn/musemother

Sacred task of honouring Self

So you may have read the blurb above about the sacred task of being a woman, honouring the feminine. But what does it mean?

If you browse this blog and the labels/titles of pieces written, you may see a theme emerging.  My interest in finding out what the feminine is started years ago, before the birth of my two children (now 18 and 20). But it has been a slow unfolding to really make all the links, put it all together. I don't have any great theories about it all, but I know it has a lot to do with Slowing Down, honouring my feminine intuition, listening to the very subtle inner coach inside who whispers more than yells, and sometimes sends messages through the body, like this frozen shoulder I'm dealing with, or a broken leg (10 years ago).  That broken leg really lead me on a search for understanding the mind-body connection, and a desire to listen in more honestly to my self-talk. I was stuck, immobile and had to ask for help.  I spent a lot of time with myself and my journal.

Where do we start to honour the Self? The only place we always have with us, by sitting and grounding, and getting in touch with our breath, with centering, and calming the nervous flutter and the outside noise. By getting quiet, and trusting that voice that calls for Rest.

It takes a great deal of courage, and a lot of chutzpah to put yourself on the agenda. To push away all the items on your to-do list that make you feel worthy, useful, dutiful, responsible, self-less, and take time for Just You, for your creativity, for your sanity, for your inner peace, for your sense of balance.

Why wait till the body forces you to slow down, is the question. Listen to the gentle urgings to treat yourself with tenderness and compassion instead of pushing, striving, and running over your Self with steel-toed boots.

It isn't about what you do, as Jen Louden put it recently in an interview with Amy Bloom, http://www.bloomlifedesign.com/self-care-is-the-missing-ingredient/ but more about a shift in mental attitude.

Get in touch with the desire to be present, to be with yourself, to be your own best Companion. And feel a sigh of relief as you do.  Come home to your Self.

Welcome home.

musemother

THE MUSE MOTHER

Eavan Boland

My window pearls wet.
The bare rowan tree
berries rain.
I can see
from where I stand
a woman hunkering--
her busy hand
worrying a child's face,
working a nappy liner
over his sticky, loud
round of a mouth.
Her hand's a cloud
across his face, making light and rain,
smiles and a frown,
a smile again.
She jockeys him to her hip,
pockets the nappy liner,
collars rain on her nape
and moves away,
but my mind stays fixed:
if I could only decline her--
lost noun
out of context,
stray figure of speech--
from this rainy street
again to her roots,
she might teach me
a new language:
to he a sibyl,
able to sing the past
in pure syllables,
limning hymns sung
to belly wheat or a woman
able to speak at last
my mother tongue.

Treading Air like a Seagull

You should see them r ight now - if I was handy with the camera I'd show you - they are hovering in heavy winds right at the shoreline, waiting for fish, I guess, and holding their wings steady, flapping, falling, rising, essentially in the same spot. 4 of them with white tail feathers and grey wings, playing with the wind.

What I was thinking of earlier this morning was the way the dark brooding skies and white-capped grey water were cut by a bar of light just between the tree tops and clouds. Now that light is gone, and we're moving towards more darkness.

What I was thinking of last week (and re-reading today) was the way the rain floods down the zinc roof and pools on the black earth in the empty flower beds. It overflows the gutters so that it feels like water is dripping from everywhere - the grey of the lake and the grey of the sky are depressing, if I allow it, but since the weather is unusually mild for November it isn't so bad. It's the lack of light and sunshine in winter, that gets me down.

What boosts my energy, mood and immune system - as we head into the dark season - is seeing wonderful white Christmas lights wrapped around the trees in my front yard, and along the outline of the house, transforming it into a fairy-lit land. It finally occurs to me tht we decorate this way because we need the light; it feeds us and since we're still scaredy cats most of us, even adults, and don't like the darkness in winter, we  leave the lights on to comfort ourselves.  Divali, Christmas, Hanukkah candles, it's all about lighting a lamp against the dark.

I am thinking of Christmas also in terms of having to prepare the house, decorate, make food - comfort food to welcome the family hordes and the brand new baby we all are looking forward to seeing, and hopefully to hold - all 28 of us. What will that be like? First Christmas also without Jacqueline, Ninine, great-grandma for the first time, who passed away this July.

In the meantime, I am treading air in time and space, like the seagulls, healing a sore shoulder, resting and napping more than usual, waiting for the creative Festive energy to brighten me up again.

To follow my own advice, I must go with the flow, even in the down times, and accept the resting is needed. The only way out and up is to go down and in.

nameste,
musemother

What do you want?

"Begin doing what you want to do now, we are not living in eternity.
We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-
and melting like a snowflake."  Marie Beyon Ray

What I want

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing to be dazzled —
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing —
that the light is everything — that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.

–Mary Oliver

Writing with Natalie Goldberg

OK, many of you have read the book. Many of you are practitioners already. For those of you already familiar with the books, I thought I knew what timed writing was all about, having read Wild Mind and Writing down the Bones. I had even taught the exercises in my journal writing classes.

But this weekend at Kripalu, amongst 149 other participants, I learned the discipline of putting it into practise.  Writing is a physical activity, as Natalie often says, and a lot of elbow grease goes into a writing workshop with these repeated 10 minute exercises.  (With a frozen shoulder and irritated nerve in my writing arm, this was a challenge). Natalie would often begin by having us sit for a while in silence, or listening to a song mindfully, then throw us a topic and say Go!

The second part of this discipline was to read one of our short pieces out loud, either to the whole group (some lucky souls did this, shivering in their boots though they may have been, tearful or brave or sans breath). Or more often, in a smaller group of three or four, we read to each other.  In either case, it was very powerful.  No comments, not a workshop, no good or bad. Just listening. Many many healing stories were unlocked this weekend. I felt like just being there amongst these writers we were opening up a vast ear-tunnel to the Universe, with deep truths funneled up to the Compassionate Ear above (or below, or within, who knows).

Some of the prompts were from her book, Old Friend from Far Away. One of the prompts that got me really going was given on the last day, What do you really want to write about?

It sounds so obvious, but after spending all day Saturday writing, exploring the topics that lead to memory and stories and revealed some of the old weights I still carry - it became more and more clear just what my Voice wanted to say. I was given permission to write the worst crap in Massachusetts this weekend, plus I was encouraged to say what I really wanted to say, no matter what. No good, no bad, as Natalie put it so often.  Just listen wholeheartedly, with your whole body. Study the mind....

I hope if you ever want to write you will look up Natalie Goldberg. Her methods are simple but very powerful.  I feel like I grew a backbone this weekend, cleared a space for my truth to be told. No matter what is popular, who is listening, what is going on around me, I learned to fall in love with my particular story and the telling of it, ten minutes by ten minutes....

namaste,
jenn
ps Kripalu is offering another session with her in May.

See her website for details on her workshop schedule or book orders. (http://www.nataliegoldberg.com/index.html).

RAMPAGE of APPRECIATION

Pomegranites growing on a tree, Tuscany

There is no limit to the amount of good advice we are receiving every day through emails, internet, new books out on Self-Healing and Finding more Joy.

But this line caught my eye: going on regular rampages of Appreciation.

I guess it's like Random Acts of Kindness - you don't plan it, you just let yourself loose once in a while, instead of a rant on how awful the world is, the corruption of politicans and the high divorce rate, how rude teens are, etc etc.

What would get me started?

I just love the colour yellow beaming down from a maple tree even this late in November. I love the singular loon circulating on the lake in front of my window. I so appreciate the colour red in all the circulars I get in the mailbox, and on the pomegranites in the Auberge we visited in Tuscany. The silence of the empty trees on the island, shorn of colour, standing, waiting, expecting winter. I especially enjoy entering that silence within, allowing serenity to feel the emptiness. I appreciate the breath that fills my lungs, another day. I love greeting my husband after a long day of work, when we meet in the kitchen and I call out "Daddy's home!" and the dog and cats come running. I appreciate the few times we all have supper together, now that my big girl is working and teaching dance most evenings.

What would send you on a rampage?

nameste
musemother

In Praise of pasta, passion and feeling good

Flicking around in the web universe are some awesome little video clips from a man who has perfected the art of speaking about feeling, about passion, about being human.

Here is a little 7 minute clip worth watching.


nameste, have a happy November 5
Jennifer

What if a woman listened to herself?

“What if a woman trusted her own tears enough to listen to them, to make real changes in her individual schedule, and to see if those changes spread to her office, her committee, her religious group? What if she trusted her anger, her irritation, her illness, even her depression, as signs that her own life was calling to her?

What if a woman allowed herself to leave a mode of doing that does not nourish her, that actively makes her unhappy? What if it were not so difficult? If her upbringing had not sought to teach her to be dutiful, moral, caring, giving, helpful, productive and loving…at all times...to all others. ….it is often finally a woman’s own pain and sadness that make her change her life. Finally, it is impossible to deny her feelings any longer.”   

From Circle of Stones, Judith Duerk, Woman’s Journey to Herself

Yes, what if I listened to myself?

Get off the computer and take a walk with the dog. Give myself more creative loafing time, more timelessness, more experience of the timeless, without schedules and appointments and frantic rushing. What if I pencilled in come creative loafing time on my agenda? what if I made an artist date with my camera and the tree bark I love to take photos of?

What if I sat on the lawn chair and stared at the lake?

Now is the moment!

musemother

ps teaching what I need to learn, as Suzy put it today. That's why I am blogging and writing and teaching writing classes and leading retreats....I so need to learn/feel the value of 'me' time, down time, slow sacred space time.

Dear Reader

I was flummoxed by a pain in the neck. I was running and getting things done and doing errands and being productive and crossing things off my list and typing away at 100 words  a minute...feeling productive and 'good'.

And yet every night I've been lying in bed with this chronic pain in the neck and shoulders and even seventeen appointments with a chiropracter/naturopath and a physio therapist and umpteen other kinds of treatment (yes, osteopathy) are not making it go away.

An MRI is scheduled, an xray shows arthritis, inflammation, bone spurs...damage from a ski-doo accident when I was thirteen and really banged my spine. And yet, I have to wonder, what's behind this pain in the neck?

Dear Reader in meditaton this morning I felt so close to giving up all the 'busy-ness' that makes me feel useful. I felt so close to the soft understanding that the world needs our/my soft participation in the Slow feminine, in the inner connectedness to the sentient earth, to the sentient beings around me, more than it needs me to be busy.

I feel, now, looking out at the clouds zooming by over the lake amidst rain and dark grey water, that I have been living from the outside in for too long.  My neck is asking me to stop, take stock and ultimately, say, I give up. I surrender. Please show me how to trust this soft inner place where I am not divided in two, body and mind, heart and head.

I want to be a channel for peace, I wrote in my bucket list.  OK, so be careful what you ask for.

Being and living consciously cannot be watchwords or just talk, is my feeling this morning.  LIving from the inside out - what would that feel like? It's been my mantra or 'tag line' for so long...it's been what I believe in. But can I really live inside it?  Yes, oh yes, I can. Becaue the pain in the neck is crushing my resistance.

Dear reader, I am writing this today to remind myself that life is a great teacher.  That the lessons are all from love.  That my calling, as Jennifer Louden put it so well in her facebook notes, is calling me to be true to myself, not just for me, but for the transformation of all of us.  Each one of us can answer the call within to be true to ourselves, and it will change the world.  The change we want to see, we have to be....slowly, gently, with compassion and kindess, we can listen to the call.

We suffer when we disengage from the journey of discovery. Explore that inner listening, and let yourself be guided towards more opening, more truth, more being at peace with yourself, less 'keeping busy' to feel useful.

my thoughts on a rainy day
from inside
Jenn/musemother

Finding my Voice in the Silence

It's ironic that in listening to the silence, I find my Voice.

I've been journaling and writing and leading classes on journal writing around this theme. But it just hit me this morning as I read this piece I copied from Heart of the Matter newsletter http://www.heartofbusiness.com/  by Mark Silver.

Silence is not the absence of noise, it is an active presence. If you listen with your heart, you can taste it. Take a moment now and listen for it in your heart.

Under the noise, behind, within the noise, there is a silent presence. It's palpable.
Don't try to grab it. Don't try to hold onto it. Instead, invite it in. Give it permission to take over everything within you, to push aside the noise, to fill you up.
Whatever noise is taking up your attention in this moment, kids, music, Twitter, notice it. Notice all the noise in your space. Take a minute to focus in on each one.
Next, in your heart say "No." If you like you can try the phrase "La ilaha illa'llah," which is pronounced pretty much like it reads. You're not resisting the noise, just acknowledging that all of that hubbub is not the truth.
Third, feel the longing in your heart for silence. Let the longing deepen.

Finally, ask in your heart for help in tasting the silence that is there and allowing it to flood in. Give permission to the silence to master you, to be your anchor.

Now, to some of you this  may seem counterintuitive, but this is how I get in touch with my inner voice, my own wisdom, and my real heart's longing to be whatever I can be. I listen to the silence.

I've spent the last year journalling about the direction I want my life to take, in terms of working with women on retreats or classes, writing and blogging, and this is what appeared finally from out of the void, as My Theme: Finding my Voice.

I can't say it's all that original, but when I look back at my life story, from early beginnings in a large family of eight, to singing like a shy little sparrow in grade school, hiding in my room to play guitar in my teens, coming out of the bedroom to sing for others in my twenties and even write my own songs, to meeting my husband as a new 'guitarist' who could play bar chords so I could sing the songs I loved, to singing to my children when they were little to calm them, entertain them or divert them, to singing in a duo with my husband occasionally today, and performing in public with a barbershop quartet and chorus by night....

I am finding my Voice.

Through writing poetry in my teens, keeping a diary of sorts since around the time I met Jacques 26 years ago, to first applying to a Creative writing program with a very sentimental manuscript of poems, to finally 10 years later publishing a book of poems and birth journal (part of my Master's thesis in Creative Writing), to recording a CD of poems and one with friend and cellist Kim Gosselin, to leading workshops on the Feminine, the Body, and now one called Charting your Journey, through publishing short stories and poems about my own journey and about meditation, menopause, teen sexuality, and every Taboo topic that my mind wants to keep silent and ashamed....I am Finding my Voice.

There, I think I've said it.

I have also been inspired by Janet Quinn's book I am A Woman Finding my Voice, http://www.haelanworks.com/i_am_a_woman_finding_my_voice.htm and by Janet Connor's Writing down the Soul,  http://www.writingdownyoursoul.com/ to mention just a few books I love.

I am very excited about attending a workshop with Natalie Goldberg at Kripalu  http://www.kripalu.org/program/view/WNG-101/old_friend_from_far_away_the_practice_of_writing this November too, on Memoir writing, since the Voice keeps leading me back to my own stories.

And another wonderful on-line resource is http://www.writers.com/ for finding writing workshops and mentors.

So try practising letting the silence be your teacher, and let it help you find Your Voice.Then write, sing, dance it out into the World. Share your Voice, for the world would be a much too silent place if only the best song birds opened their throats and sang (paraphrased from a famous author).

musemother







Bask until the silence leaves. Rinse, repeat if desired.




Let the silence master you.

Home made Retreat

Watching the sun rise over tree tops and leaves gently rustling in the slight breeze - I am ecstatic to be up here in St-Sauveur at my retreat house/chalet, playing house, placing dishes in cupboards, folding sheets and making beds.  It feels like this is 'my own' house, somehow, just for me. Perhaps because I have come up here alone, to honour my work.

It has been decorated simply, white curtains, pine walls, wood floors. It feels homey yet very bare, the way I like it, just add a rug and a few chairs and it will be perfect (we bought it partly furnished, table and couch, beds in place).

I especially love the silence. A good place to meditate, write, prepare my class in.  Yes! a whole day without telephone, email, disruptions, to concentrate on my work. If I can do this once a week it will be so amazing. I am very fed up of schedules and being busy. Am I finally ready to listen in and follow my inner guide? Unplug from the busy world?

What can I hear by listening in, trusting the silence, instead of fearing the emptiness?

Later, I lay outside on a blanket and rested my sore shoulders in the sun. Wearing a brace on right forearm because of irritated nerves from too much typing, lifting, overwork.

Sigh, I want to write and my body is saying, rest. This chalet will be a place for both.

Enter the silence....

musemother

Birthing as Heroic Task

Labour Day weekend brought many parties for us this weekend. Yesterday was Le Bouilli, a traditional harvest supper with loads of vegetables and beef cooked slowly in a huge pot at my brother-in-law's place. The whole family (or almost) was there, including two pregnant nieces. Naturally, the conversation turned towards the coming birth of one of them, due in October.

My childbirth experiences were very different one from the other, and I don't believe in frightening future mother's by telling them in great detail what I went through.  (The second child was born in the car, ten minutes away from the hospital).  But I do clearly remember the labour, the physical work and concentration required of Labour, and the total focus it required of me, and when I began to talk about it, it brought me back to the words of Joseph Campbell, who said giving birth and becoming a mother is a woman's heroic task.

Just like a warrior must focus his mind and conquer his fears before battle, a new mother giving birth brings all of her self to the task. All her courage, all her strength and energy are required.  She does need help and encouragement, yes, the nurses and doulah or companions, her husband can help her remember to breathe, but it is the inner work that gets done that is important, from the quality of her surrender and trust in the body's processes (and the more knowledge of these processes the better), to the letting go of fears of not being capable of passing this threshold.  The journey is dangerous, as the forces within move the baby out into the world from his watery womb space, forcing him to cross the threshold into life outside the safety of his mother's enclosure.  She will be turned inside out too, and perhaps lose all sense of separateness with the world.  All her senses will awaken, and sharpen once he is born, whetted by the cries of her baby, and nothing will ever be the same. It is a spiritual birth of the mother, as well as the physical birth of the child, as they journey together through that tunnel.

For the first few days, if she allows it, she will feel at one with her baby, this being from another planet who has slipped like a fish through her legs.  His eyes will be her mirror, his pain will be her pain. As she tunes into his needs and feels the milk tingle in her breasts even before he wakes, she will either accept or resist this intrusion, this call to selflessness, this giving over of the self to a larger need.

It will be the hardet (or the easiest) thing she will ever do, has ever done.  To give her self to the needs of the vulnerable tyrant at her breast, as they both navigate new territory, and learn how to find contentment and ease together.  What can prepare her?  Focus, concentration, rest, inner strength, conscious letting go of expectations...of fear, of anxiety - allowing life to hold them both in its arms.

To fight this great battle for life by letting go, by surrendering, is kind of  conumdrum. But that's what it takes.

nameste,
musemother