extract from The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know, Little Red Bird Press 2012
Our
sense of womanhood is inherently linked to our sexuality. Maybe that’s why some
women mourn their youth at menopause. They think they will lose their
attractiveness to the opposite sex and there goes their womanhood. However, according to Dr Christiane Northrup, there is evidence that some women experience a reawakening of their
libido at mid-life. Scientists say a woman’s sexual peak is probably somewhere
in her forties. Then again, some others experience a temporary deadened
feeling: where oh where, did my libido go?
I
was one of the ones who momentarily (for a few years!) lost touch with my desire. This was when I still had fairly young children and not sleeping well, on top of being perimenopausal. I think it was largely a matter of fatigue and timing. It turns out I am more easily
aroused in the morning than at midnight when I’m half asleep! Talking about
things certainly helped, once I became brave enough. My marriage might not have
survived if I had not decided to take matters into my own hands (very
literally). Two books that helped me understand the difference between women’s
and men’s sexuality are John Gray’s Venus
and Mars in the Bedroom and Reclaiming
Goddess Sexuality by Linda E. Savage, Ph. D.
Now
I can give myself permission to enjoy gourmet sex when I need it (meaning a lot
of time for foreplay), or allow my husband a quickie occasionally. I feel more comfortable asking for what I need
and less pressured to be available sexually when I don’t feel like it. Think of
it this way: you might be letting your partner off the hook. He may also be
experiencing a slowing of desire at his male andropause.
A lot has been
written about the differences between male and female desire, and I’m not sure
we can generalize, but certainly women’s arousal often starts in the head –
with being courted, talked to and listened to, which creates a feeling of
closeness or intimacy. Dr. Micheal Goodman considers himself an expert on this.
He says, “Men’s sexuality is linear: desire leading to arousal leading to
erection and sexual intimacy. Women are different; their sexuality is more
circular and circuitous (“women need a reason for sex; men just need a place”),
and starts with intimacy, not desire.”[1]
This inherently makes sense to me.
If
it’s painful sex that is slowing you down, don’t wait; get advice from your health
care provider. Or try herbal teas or tinctures like oatstraw and nettle which
help relubricate the vagina. Certain homeopathic remedies help too. I have found
some natural lubricants (Sexy Ganga, made
with hemp oil) are more compatible than the artificial ones made of petroleum
products (if you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, it doesn’t belong in your
vagina). Susun Weed’s New Menopausal
Years the Wise Woman Way is a very helpful book in this regard, with lots
of herbal remedies for each malady.
Whatever
happens, don’t give up on sex just because of a few hormonal changes. A saliva
test can help you find out which hormones are lacking (progesterone, estrogen
or testosterone). See Dr Christiane Northrup’s book, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause for a thorough discussion of all things sexual.
That
being said, consider that a time of sexual abstinence may be called for to
honour your own need for rest, and to give you a time to find your wholeness
within. Sex is wonderful, when you feel
like having sex. Not out of guilt or a habit of pleasing others. Can you stand
your ground, be with your own desire or lack of desire? Be patient with
yourself and know that your desire is not gone for good.
[1] www.drmichaelgoodman.com/ten-best-tips-for-surviving-your-menopause/
(author of Men-opause – a book about
menopause for men)
