My journal, my friend, my mirror.
This morning during meditation, I couldn't stop obsessing about something that needed doing. I kept telling myself to stop being a 'doer' and just sit with my being. Thoughts whirled and twirled and the caffeine I'd had earlier just boosted the speed at which they turned in my head. It was really hard to turn off the motor.
Note to self: herbal tea first, then coffee after meditating!
So, I got out my journal and started jotting down what was on my mind, and quickly filled four pages with thoughts, queries, things that upset me, things I've been pushing down and saying I shouldn't worry about. I realized all the stress had built up because I was holding onto stuff inside - trying to perform a task the way it was laid out for me, the way I thought anyway. I remembered my volunteer training, the day I finally blew up (day 4) after holding my questions, worries and things that bugged me inside, not being open and expressing them with the team.
I am learning something valuable about myself - at least it feels like a learning. I need to acknowledge my doubts, fears, questions, niggling feelings of 'something not right'. Otherwise, they blow up in my face, or usually, in somebody else's face who doesn't deserve it.
Blowing off steam in my journal allowed me to not 'flame' somebody in an email, or a phone call. It allowed me to look at several sides of the question, not assume that my way of seeing it is right. Maybe I'm just paranoid and defensive, or maybe something really is not right. Writing in my journal before leaping into action is a safety valve for my hot temper and 'get it done now' personality. (ok I'm a little bit Type A, and my masculine side is over-developed).
Blessings come in small packages, and this one is a red journal about 8 x 7 inches, that I have labelled my Erratical Sabbatical, for the year I am taking off from writing projects. I have many other projects, and am using my journal to brainstorm what the future project may be - a course on Mothering Ourselves or The Feminine Mysteries at a women's centre, or a book for young women on menstruation and the Curse, a couple of articles on self-care or menopause - many ideas are cooking in the journal, or simmering should I say.
I ignore and neglect my journal too, but I know it is always there, always open to listen to what I have to say, never judgemental. It offers me a reflection of where I was last week, last month, last year, and a tool for self-awareness. I love the me that is reflected in my journal, in all her ravings and fantasies and dream projects. She is helping me become the person I am, a person who takes the time to take care of her inner self, as well as her outer projects.
have a great Sunday, sunny and warm here by the pool,