Menopausal Poetry Series

Because I love poetry, and there are so few poems about menopause out there, I have dug deep into my computer files and pulled out a series from over ten years ago when I was in the throes of it.

Here's one:

Three little pills and a Pomegranate

Muse on the table

are you food or drink?

Three little pills on my yellow placemat:

One clever red clover

renders me immune to restlessness,

cures insomnia.

Vitamin B mitigates “the change”,

Calcium Citrate coats the nerves,

protects the children from swinging

moods, banged doors.

Biting into a shiny red orb allowed

Persephone to see her mother half the year.

My prying fingers reveal a messy beehive

of oblong kernels.

Mouth puckers as crystal blobs,

nutty & tart, stain my fingers rouge.

Will it make me mortal to eat these seeds?

Already I have become human

in my daughter’s eyes.

I told Katie that her cat died.

Rocking in darkness

comforted us both.

Mid-Life Transition

Questions and more questions - where I am going? what do I love? what do I want to be when I grow up?

The mid-forties until mid-fifties is a time of questing and transition.  Lots of my friends are in this age-group, and are finding themselves dealing with questions and uncertainty.  Menopause is not all about the hot flashes, ladies.  The greatest longing women have at mid-life is to get to know themselves, their desires, their passions, and what the heck to do with the rest of their lives now that their families are demanding less of them, or the job they've devoted their life to developing expertise in loses its appeal.

It's a weird time - I remember grieving the lack of affection and connection with my teen-agers, especially my daughter who was so closely bonded to me up to age 13.  I certainly wanted them to be more independent and grown up so I could have more time for my interests, but when they showed signs of needing me less, it made me feel anxious and at a loss. Going through menopause while they went through puberty was not easy either - lots of flashing hormones and moodiness galore. It's difficult to keep calm, not follow their mood swings, in the midst of your own peaks and valleys.

Sometimes it feels like everything conspires against us - our bodies no longer feel under our control - weight gains or losses, shifts of body fat and shape, night sweats and the rest of it.  Digestion changes, and food intolerances surface. It feels like work-life balance is harder to achieve - more is being asked of us, and managing our time becomes a challenge.  It's difficult to even put ourselves on the agenda, get to the basic self-care and rest that we need to feel sane.


Women at mid-life often feel the need to get away, to be alone with themselves, to reflect and become more aware of their own center.  Where am I in my life? What do I want to do next? are frequent questions.  I find that journalling about this, and doing exercises designed to help me discover what I love, has been the greatest help.  Plus talking with the women in my women's circle - having someone just listen while I speak my own truth, however confused I may seem to be, just by speaking it, I come closer to knowing what I want, who I am at the core of me.

I remember around age 48 to 51 (when I hit menopause officially) being the toughest years.  I had been at home full time with my kids, volunteering at their school, trying to get published, doing readings and teaching a few classes.  I was searching around to find out where next to invest my time and energy - which project was calling me. It took a few years of taking courses, going on retreats, and lots of journalling, to finally come up with an answer that felt comfortable - I didn't want to go back to school yet again (having done that in my 30's).  I just wanted to find a focus that would merge my heart's desire and a way to work with my talents and skills. Teaching journal writing for women and leading retreats is what I discovered, and it has been such a pleasure - I get to explore my own interests and share them with other women.  The feedback I get is that it's eye-opening and life changing, and that's gratifying for me.

My feeling is that, although it's hard to stay with the questions and uncertainty, one has to develop patience to ride it out - to just be there in the turbulent waters - trying to ground and center - but not pushing the questions away.  Try to love the questions, as Rilke puts it:

“Be patient with all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.” 
- Rainer Maria Rilke

In the questing, in the search for center, slowly slowly come the answers.  Know that this is a temporary time, the transition time, The Change, helps.  You will recover your sense of balance.  You will come through the hormonal storm feeling more whole, more yourself.  Piece by piece, bits of you will become clear - as the extraneous things that don't matter peel away, the real depths of your personality and psyche will show through.  You will discover what you want, what you've always wanted.  You will know yourself, and be true to yourself above all things.

Give yourself the time needed to drift a little while, to be in the hallway between two doors - one hand on the future door handle, one hand on the past - not knowing what the next step is, but trusting that the universe will unfold as it should, and above all, be gentle with yourself in the unfolding -

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Desiderata

nameste,

musemother

September Nights

A short story

September is a month of abundance - flowers, foliage, full moon...and tonight the pale orange Harvest Moon looms large on the horizon – Katie and I are in the back yard at dusk. "Let’s write a story about the moon wearing a Pumpkin mask for Halloween," I say. "It should be in October, that pumpkin moon, shouldn’t it, mom?" says Katie. With cooler nights yet still warm days, September sun gilds the air. Brown-eyed Susans, purple coneflower and pink-tinged hydrangea are drooping under the weight of such fullness (a bumper crop, a bellyful of flowers, if we could eat them).

The garden this time of year is riotous with purple Sage battling the cucumber vines growing up the cedar hedge, and something brown I thought was yarrow. The garden is too full of bees buzzing so my girl won’t dine outdoors. ‘But it is the best season, the finest weather’, I say, but she refuses to eat on the patio.

‘Come join me on the swinging chair,’ I call to her now, but she only alights a moment, jumping over the wet grass in her pristine white socks, then flits over to the trampoline. Ugh, a fat spider sits weaving. She screams and goes indoors.

‘Mom, you are my idol,’ she says later that night when I invite her into my bed for a snuggle. When I ask why, she says ‘because you have everything I want – a nice house, two kids (gorgeous kids like me) and a good looking husband’ (he is cute, isn’t he, I said) ‘and you’re so full of love’ – (‘Oh, but I whisper under my breath, you will be less cranky and impatient than me.’ ‘Yes, of course’, says she.)

Kissing Katie good-night is never short and quick -- she kisses my left cheek, then my right cheek, reaches up and places her arms around my neck in a deadlock, plants another kiss on my lips then up to 30 more kisses if I let her -- all over my face. Butterfly kisses with eyelashes, Eskimo kisses with noses rubbing. Nine-year-olds are good kissers. Sometimes I get impatient and want to get to my own bed where glorious sleep will envelope me. Sometimes I sing, K-K-K Katie, beautiful Katie....

Her other favourite drawing-out-bedtime routine is “Guess how much I love you mommy?” where we outdo each other with incredible numbers – as many as there are stars in the sea, as many as the blades of grass in the whole planet, as much as the distance from the earth to the moon. This usually goes on for as long as I can stay awake, standing in the doorway with one foot out the door, or until my exhaustion starts to show and I try to ease out with a quick good-night.

Earlier in the swinging chair, I had bowed my head, tired after battling insomnia the night before, and said a silent prayer of forgiveness to my mother, having suddenly come face to face with my own similar shortcomings – and not having the heart anymore to condemn us both to coldness and bad feelings for the rest of her life. Thus, I assuage my guilt about being a rebellious teen-age daughter, and hope my prayers for her happiness will ensure my own happiness, and that of my daughter as she enters the pre-teen years.

Just for tonight, I let myself be cajoled and held by Katie. I know she fears being alone at night in her own bedroom. Even though she is supposedly big enough to sleep alone, I am too tired to fight her off and send her back to her room. All day she has wooed me in a flurry of drawings, poems and scribbled notes on scraps of paper: Je t’aime maman! Passionate, headstrong Taurus foil to my passionate, stubborn Scorpio. So just for tonight, I let her stay a bit longer, hug her and tell her that she’s gorgeous!

By the time she’s fourteen, I know those kisses will be rare. We'll be missing that abundance.

Mothers and Daughters Sex Talk 101

How many times have you wished you could broach the topic of sex with your teenaged daughter, only to shy away at the last minute, or have her give you the yucky face and walk out of the room if you bring it up.

Here are some salient points from Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup, (chapter on Love and sex, Aphrodite Rising) which may make it easier.

“The good news is that whenever a mother has the courage to heal the unhealthy patterns in her own life, her daughter is likely to benefit as well. What it may have taken a mother half a lifetime to become conscious of, her daughter may learn in a much shorter period of time.” all quotes from Mother Daughter Wisdom

“Good self-esteem sets the stage for healthy relationships with boys --and everyone else!”

Good advice: “If a guy tells you he needs you and can’t live without you, run the other way!”

Wisdom Challenge: Make sure your daughter is protected from STDs or pregnancy; if you are not ready to talk about it openly yourself, make sure she is given the necessary information and protection (whenever she asks for it) by her doctor.

Knowledge is Power: Teens need to know about their own fertility cycle, not just about condoms and birth control. i.e. when pregnancy is most likely to occur.

“A good first step in helping your daughter understand the way in which her sexual being is ultimately an expression of the divine life force is through a discussion of her menstrual cycle. By the age of fourteen most girls will be quite familiar with the mechanics of the cycle- though it’s always good to review it with them, for example when in the cycle they ovulate, for how long do they remain fertile, and so forth. But beyond the mechanics, you need to make sure they know something about the meaning of the menstrual cycle.

“The life force that governs the menstrual cycle is the same life force that governs the waxing and the waning of the moon and the ebb and flow of the tides.” Our bodies are part of this miracle.

Northrup says, the menstrual cycle governs the flow not only of bodily fluids but also of mood and creativity. One thing a conscious mom can do is to encourage her daughter to observe how she feels at different times during her cycle, emotionally and spiritually as well as physically. For example, she may notice that her energy, creativity and libido are full speed ahead at ovulation. And she may notice that she becomes far more inward and introspective just before her period is due.

This mirrors the creative process – at times we have high energy versus down times to incubate a project. Following her cycle will help her develop trust and respect for her body by paying attention to inner processes.

Feeling Safe: Let her know that her body is her own and that oral sex is sex.

“A girl needs to understand that her self-worth cannot be enhanced in any sustainable way by engaging in sexual activity with a partner who has only a physical connection with her.”

Tell her not to let herself be pressured to have sex just to gain status. “Girls may think they’re proving themselves the equals of boys by emulating them in their sexual behavior, ….[but] this culture values males more highly than females”. Our culture still treats females with loose sexual behaviour as ‘ho’s.

Oral sex is degrading for girls, since it is not usually reciprocal. Instead, it’s seen as a service girls provide for boys – what are they getting in return? Fleeting attention of a boy and an increased risk of STD’s. (The recent rise in STD’s among teens is due in part to increase in oral sex practices). The double standard is alive and well.

On the positive side, girls need to know healthy ways of dealing with sexual impulses.
They should not be taught to feel guilty about their sexual desires. Self-pleasuring is a safe and effective way for girls to deal with sexual energy, until a loving committed sexual relationship comes along. Orgasm is good for her bodily health and vitality. This same life force can also express itself in art, music, literature, scientific breakthroughs and doing good works.

Overview: What all Adolescent Girls need to know about Sex:

How to value themselves and their bodies, including their capacity for pleasure
The sexuality-spirituality connection of the feminine cycle
The facts about both male and female sexual anatomy
The facts about how to prevent pregnancy and protect oneself against sexually transmitted disease.

Some interesting statistics from a study in New Zealand:

The average age for first sexual intercourse was sixteen
54 % of women wish they had waited longer.
Curiosity was the main reason for virginity loss in 27 % of women and 35% of men.
7 % of women felt forced into their first experience.
15% of women were in love at the time.
10% of women and men admitted to being a little drunk at the time.
30% of women said the act was ‘on the spur of the moment’.

This certainly reflects my own teen-aged experience : lots of peer pressure, curiosity, fuelled by wanting to not be 'square', and a little too much alcohol. I highly recommend this book for every mother wanting to understand her relationship with her daughter.

Help your daughter be prepared. Arm her with knowledge, and if it's appropriate share your own stories with her.

nameste,
musemother

Mothering Daughters; Hormone Replacement

If you haven't gotten it already, here is an excerpt from Dr. Christiane Northrup's newsletter, Monthly Wisdom, about mothering daughters:

Having daughters is about the most joyful thing going. If you’re looking for resources for raising a daughter and enhancing your ability to parent, I have the following suggestions:
Mother-Daughter Wisdom, the book and the Mother-Daughter Wisdom DVD of my very popular PBS show.
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, the book and the movie.
A Time to Celebrate: A Celebration of a Girl's First Menstrual Period by Joan Morais.
Celebrating Girls: Nurturing and Empowering Our Daughters by Virginia Beane Rutter.
Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of her Body by Toni Weschler, MPH.
Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear by Pam Leo.
The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds, and Thrive Through Adolescence by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz.

for those of you in peri-menopause looking for an alternative to Hormone Therapy, Dr. Northrup has some information on bioidentical hormone replacement:

Seminar on Natural Hormones
I am happy to share with you an invitation to an educational audio Internet seminar hosted by the Center for Bioidentical Hormone Replacement (BHRT). The BHRT World Summit will help you understand how hormones can affect the health of your entire body, including your moods, sleep, and weight. Experts who have come together to impart science-based education to the public will also discuss ways to bring one’s hormones into balance. I highly recommend that you take advantage of this opportunity. Read for yourself about the BHRT World Summit by clicking here.


More on Mother's Day and what you can do to mother yourself, later this week.

take care
Musemother

mothers and daughters

I was at the osteopathy's yesterday; my daughter had an appointment but didn't feel well (with her period) so I went in her stead. My neck and shoulders badly needed realignment.

After a wonderful treatment, deep rebalancing of everything in my head and neck, down to the bottom of my spine, we had a talk about K's period pain.

Since I am doing research around the spiritual aspects of menstruation and menopause, I'm reading up on what affects PMS and period pain, but I don't have any periods now myself. I do know that there can be structural causes, and the osteopath has helped K in the past with reducing the cramping from 3 days to one. There are also energy causes.

6 months later, she's due for another treatment. And maybe there is stuck energy from generations past affecting her. There has been some sexual abuse in our family tree, and sometimes healing one generation can affect future and past generations - releasing energy from whichever chakra it's swirling in.

So I'm going to look into this. The osteo said, K is not allowing herself much pleasure in life (and me neither). She said, you both have the 'duty' thing down pat, but what about having fun and relaxing? Perhaps you can't tell K to do yoga or meditate (not cool at her age, cause mommy does it) but you can bring more 'pleasure' into life in other ways. She also said, if you heal yourself, the energy between you will shift, and things will improve for her too.

that is a hopeful thought, and alongside my prayers for her not to grow up a tense uptight person, it's what I intend to look into,
nameste,
musemother

Poem for Urban Earth Mama and all you moms

The Curse (written for Rhonda)

a baby in blue gingham kicks
her legs, smiles at me with teal-blue
eyes, smells of Baby's Own
spice; zinc ointment & powder
mixed with summer sweat & damp
saliva'd sheets

I see myself in her chubby arms
& thighs, this seal blubber baby.
mother said she liked girls best,
but my neighbour cried
when she knew it was a girl.
six months' pregnant
how not to become her Jewish mother?
her grandmother slapped her face
when she started her period,
slapping the curse out of her.

& me? part joy, part tears
my fears at having a girl
having to do with vaginas.
every time I change her diapers
I see we are the same:
same slit between the legs
same sweet flesh, same fear
that someone will open
this pearly oyster before its time
as they did
as he did.

from Little Mother, Hochelaga Press


I don't mean to freak anyone out with this poem, raising a girl (now 15) has been a beautiful sweet challenge
jb

What my daughter taught me

I was digging through a big plastic container in my home office this afternoon, and dug out two collages I had made during a class a few years ago. One was cuttings from magazines, pictures and words on the theme of Finding My Passion.

I had pasted: the secret code of women makes my heart dance, and girl powered, guilt-free love is still a complete mystery". "Independent spirit, quirky but cool" and right on top in big letters: Follow your heart, put the world on hold.

The earlier one has some great pictures of a green watery oasis "felt but not seen" beside a buddha head "125 years of wisdom" - wish I could scan the whole thing and paste it on my blog. My dream-on garden, happy tails, I feel free, Abandon the conventional and raw pleasures are more indications of what I was feeling or looking for then.

Then, right beside these two was one my daughter had made with coloured pens, on a day she was home sick with a back-ache this past September. She wrote: Don't worry, Love will keep us alive, Lust, Life, Love, Live, Happyness is priceless (sic), Be yourself, Love Yourself, and Thx 4 everything! I (heart) you, (shop till you drop was also there!).

Tomorrow is the last class on Embracing the Feminine at the women's centre, and I thought of doing a collage, then wimped out because it involves gathering 6 glue sticks, finding giant pads of paper, magazines, scissors, etc. Maybe we'll just hold hands and count our blessings instead. It's been a wonderful journey, to explore the Feminine, (see Wisdom for Women blog for some more musings on that). And I'm sure it's a subject I'll continue to write about.

A horoscope reading I had last fall advised me not to plan too much, or intellectualize too much, that the transmission of knowledge or information that I want to communicate will happen, will become clear. And so it has.

Right now, the energy of spring is calling me, bright sunshine and a sleepy dog that needs a walk. I want to stretch my legs (stiff from cross-country skiing this past Saturday), and let my mind wander. It feels good in my heart to know that I am living my passion, I am feeling my heart's quiet contentment, and I am giving myself the rest that I need when I am tired (yesterday it was all I could do to get the laundry folded).

My new motto may be: power naps rock!

Care about yourself, is what Caitie taught me. Take good care of you,

musemother