The Gifts of Taking Time For Yourself

Having a snow day here in Montreal, yeah! good for those moms who can't go anywhere and good for those kids who wanna stay home and play games or build snow forts, but boo hoo, my Creative Circle class was cancelled! We still had yoga this morning at my house, which felt like being wrapped in a white cocoon, the window and the lake outside are all white! The Green Spring we felt yesterday has been covered up.

So afterwards, over lunch, I picked up a book from my pile of books to read, since the driveway hasn't been ploughed yet: Finding the Deep River Within, http://deepriverwithin.com/book/ and re-read it, looking for an exercise we are going to use in class next week on Doing what you love. And lo and behold, the same message I just blogged about yesterday, came shouting back at me: "In order to take time-in, we need to choose it." Alone time without distraction is what author Abby Seixas calls 'time-in'.  Slowing down, watering the root of your soul with some down time, is so nourishing, but you have to make time for it.

Her point in the first few chapters is well taken - that until we recognize how pressured we are by the culture, how aligned and in synch we are with technological speed and multi-tasking (a computer term by the way), it's hard to disengage and slow down without feeling we're going against the grain. Usually it takes an illness or a deep sense of fragmentation or falling apart before we even consider slowing the pace (without feeling guilty). Unless you are a gardener, or a person who loves to cook from scratch...then you know what I'm talking about.

As far back as the sixth century BC, Lao Tzu was dealing with this 'running around', so it may not be something 'new' per se, the need to get back to a rich inner life:

There is no need to run outside

for better seeing,

nor to peer from a window. Rather abide

at the center of your being;

For the more you leave it, the less you learn.

Search your heart and see

If he is wise who takes each turn:

The way to do is to be.

Not surprisingly, one of the six tools for getting back in touch with that inner river within is Journaling. I know, I know, the excuses we all come up with...the feeling of never having enough time, or not being 'good' at it.  But just sitting down to untangle my thoughts, and hear myself muse out loud or on paper about what's going on underneath the ruckus on the surface is really healing.  It helps me sort through my feelings, and even begin to acknowledge some of those feelings. It doesn't take an hour, even ten minutes feels good.

Of course, the best way to make time for either journaling or time alone uninterrupted is to write it in your agenda. I just made a hair appointment for Thursday at 1 pm. Why can't I also write in 'meditation, 7:30 am, followed by Journal writing 8:30 for 10 minutes'. There, done. Morning is not always the best time for people (especially busy moms) to take time alone in. You can do it over tea at lunchtime, you can take a walk alone during a break. Or you can write in your journal before bedtime.

Get creative about feeding this deep need of your soul to have a long conversation with you!  You will actually find yourself being more productive, you'll have clearer vision, and feel less bone-tired, once you get in touch with that soul energy slumbering underneath your busy schedule....try it.

Take small steps and make it doable, so you have a better chance at success!

take care

Musemother

The Secret inside the Secret

just back from the Gaspe and a bucolic wedding at Lac Bijou, wee man-made lake with a tiny island and a bridge to the island. lit by torches at night, fairy like. the giant white tent with 3 peaks, big enough for 170 people, the dancing 'villagers', musicians and singers and talent, the family love, the huge heart-filled space we created as we celebrated my brother-in-law and his wife/love.

driving back 11 hours yesterday, it was sun and rain, sun and rain, huge banks of cumulous clouds, black nimbus, green marshes and flowers blooming along the roadside in clumps of yellow, blue, white and purple.

the St-Lawrence river by turns slate coloured or blue, shining or misty, curving or straight, and the mountains we drove through, winding and smooth-paved new roads easing our delivery back to Montreal

there are travel days like that when time is suspended, punctuated by french fries, doughnuts and iced cappucinos or Tim Horton's homemade soup....watching the Tudors on dvd in the back seat....or chewing gum to stay awake at the wheel

and the many stops for Mollie the shitzu mix to stretch her wee legs....

and now we're home, the pool needs filling, the flowers were watered by rain, but bedraggled, the wash is in the washer, smells of bleach in the kitchen and I'm here, writing about the return to normalcy after being suspended in a 4-day party mode.

what I want today is to travel deeply into the thirst for quiet that has surfaced, the need for re-collecting, re-vising, re-viewing, settling into thought and words again. the white room that is empty of all stimuli is not available, the chalet or cabin in the woods not ready yet, but there is this inner space, this separation from time and 'doing' and 'going', this place where I receive myself, sit and listen attentively and find out where and what the impulse is, the in-pulse.

Bella has reminded me of Rumi's heart-logic, so here's what I read just now:

Food for the soul stays secret.
Body food gets put out in the open

like us. Those who work at a bakery
don't know the taste of bread like

the hungry beggars do. Because the
beloved wants to know, unseen things

become manifest. Hiding is the
hidden purpose of creation: bury

your seed and wait. After you die,
all the thoughts you had will throng

around like children. The heart
is the secret inside the secret.

Call the secret language, and never
be sure what you conceal. It's

unsure people who get the blessing."

from Coleman Barks' the Soul of Rumi

I am hungry for the secret heart's revelation. Back to the bakery, then,
adieu,

jenn/musemother

Anger and Menopause

Before having children, I was not aware of all the anger simmering inside. If it was ever provoked, it came out in tears. A situation at work or in a relationship could make me feel helpless, teary, overwhelmed, but not like hitting someone or yelling.

Once children came along the floodgates were opened. All kinds of emotions rose to the surface, comfortable happy giddy, or irritable, cranky and angry. Was it because of the hormone release in childbirth? was it because there were now vulnerable small people to take care of and I had no idea how to deal with their crying fits or tantrums? their obvious disregard for my needs? or simply because my own emotions were so raw from lack of sleep, nursing babies, being on call 24-7?

For whatever reason, it was always a shock to see my anger burst out, to find myself slamming cupboard doors, or needing to take a brisk walk around the block, get out of the house, let off steam. It felt even worse when I saw a white handprint on my 2 year old's red behind.

I needed to find out more about anger. I was part of a Babysitting Coop and Moms and tots group that welcomed speakers, so I found a psychologist to speak to us. She described anger as an iceberg, with sadness underneath the surface of the water. I saw a therapist at the university where I taught part-time and began to uncover the legacy of emotional hurts from childhood and the connection to mothering. A book was born along the way, "Little Mother".

A pattern emerged. It seemed that 3 days before menstruating, emotions were definitely peaking. As I grew closer to menopause, my episodes of PMS grew longer, more intense. I especially felt bad when I would blow up for no good reason, some small disregard of 'rules' or schedules by the children, now pre-teens. After one particular shrieking incident where I lost it completely, I began to see a family counsellor again, for help in dealing with my emotional overload. My father had just died and I was two years away from complete menopause.

Now, in reading about peri-menopause, I find references to anger as being a signal from our inner wisdom. I found another speaker on PMS, who also describes it in these terms, as an ally, a messenger, a loud voice that won't be shushed, uncovering the wounds and slights that I have shoved under the carpet the rest of the month. It's the way my inner self calls out for attention.

Instead of giving in to anger, or allowing it to control my relationships, I want to find out what is underneath these uncomfortable feelings, because although the outburts are less frequent, my children still receive the brunt of it, now that they are teens and mood swings are affecting all of us. Here is why it's important to act:

"Your emotions are your inner guidance system. Your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs have a most profound effect on your health", says Dr. Christiane Northrup. "Listen to your anger, discover the underlying issues and take action or it may turn inward and cause depression - a risk factor for heart disease, cancer and osteoporosis." (Wisdom of Menopause)

If I don't learn to speak up about what is bugging me, if I avoid conflict and confrontation and act like a people pleaser to keep harmony and balance in the household, if I allow myself to 'do too much for others', it always backfires and ends up exploding out of me anyway. Or I feel sad and not listened to, like I have no voice. This is no one's fault but mine. It estranges me from the people I want to be close to.

When I am courageous and say what I feel, when I stop hiding my real emotions from others, and simply state what I need in a non-threatening tone, I am surprised by the change this provokes in others. We find a closeness, a connection that is nourishing. It may be that my programming for serving others first gets in the way of my truth-speaking. Maybe I can let go of 'feeling selfish' about staying in bed one morning instead of getting up to make coffee and toast for fully grown people who know how to work the coffee machine and the toaster....

There are so many ways I want to practice being true to myself, allowing myself to feel what I feel. In this role of 'housewife' and mother that I am growing out of....in the perfectionist attitude that doesn't allow me to focus on my own work because I might be a bad mother....in the limiting belief that my joy, my expression of creativity is less important because it doesn't bring in as much money.

Menopause has taught me a lot about myself. It is the 'mother of all wake-up calls' as Dr. Northrup puts it. The emerging self is crying out for its own needs to be met. The solution is to learn to take better care of myself, find a balance between caring for others and caring for me.

"In truth, you are being urged, biologically, to pause from everyone - from mankind in general - in order to do important work on yourself.... [one of the most common feelings is] "the longing for time alone, for a refuge that provides peace, quiet and freedom from distractions and demands.

"Even if you can't charter a plane to a deserted island, odds are that if you acknowledge and validate your need for solitude then you can clear some time and find a private corner to which to retreat daily." [away from telephones, noise, interaction with others]

This has been my medicine for anger: to rock my soul, soothe my body and mind, with precious time alone. It's not just for the hermit in me, but a good practice.

nameste,
musemother