In yoga this morning, a wonderful thought came to be, all by itself: I can let go of being angry with myself.
Now, I didn't know that I was angry at me. I thought/knew I was angry at my mother, my father, my ex, my spouse, my kids, my aunts, my cousins, my friends.....there's a lot of things I could be angry about. But it felt suddenly clear in my head that most of the old anger was aimed at me. Not good enough, not smart enough, not tidy enough, never 'enough'.
The other night, swimming in the turquoise reflection of a lit pool, a similar thought came to me: I can let go of past hurts. I was just swimming in circles and my husband said, you look like you're sixteen! That was nice, but I felt more like I was six, dog paddling freely in the dark with a huge smirk on my face. I even yelled out to him, I can let go of the past! (which must be a relief to him, too).
There's such an exciting newness to this. (If you knew me, you'd know it's been hanging on too long). I love that it arises spontaneously, after so much 'hard' thinking, reading, working on releasing old stuff. In yoga this morning I loved feeling the strong pull to breathe from down in the Core of me, to dive into the source and breathe it up through the bottom of my feet, into the heart, into my body's core.
Sometimes, it feels like when I was little, swimming with my sister in the Ottawa River. We would hold our breath and see who could stay the longest underwater. Once we are down there, sitting amongst the river grass and mossy stones like water babies, the world above seems far away. Above, the wind is rippling the surface of the water. We watch the waves dip and move as the sunlight throws shadows and rays of light, and yet light rests on the surface. The underwater grasses or weeds move too, but in silent motion. The fish don't even notice us, we are that still.
When I dive inside, I am sitting inside this well of peace.
Inside of me, a calm harbour while the wind rages outside.
Inside, an embrace, holding and being held.
Life's pulse and rhythm my only song.
A comfort and sweetness from the feeling that I belong.
No effort, only feeling and letting myself rest.
Let worry and defeat melt away.
Let fear and bothersome thoughts melt away.
Here is home and a Presence of something larger.
An ocean of peace.
My core, mon coeur, mi corazon.
Think I'll stay inside today,