On this bright sunny day, in mid-winter, it helps to have the colour Red be celebrated, to remind us of the heart, the life-giving pulse, the source of oxygen and energy.
And what my Heart is longing for is for me to check in more often and feel what it is longing for.
One day, this week I was lying on my carpet doing some simple yoga postures and listening to Bija, a wonderfully soothing CD.
My thirst for body connectedness and a general feeling of dissatisfaction and winter blahs had lead me to reconnect with body and breath. I didn't know what else to do, since my official escape from winter is only in 2 weeks.
I lay down in the sun on my afghan carpet, soaking in heat and light through the window. It felt good to feel the heat. Let mind focus on breath and movement. Begin to feel the well filling up.
I am not willing to be separate from myself. Bring the focus inside to breath and heart, fuel the fire, the engine, with pure fuel, not garbage (newspaper, TV, books, arguments).
I feel my passivity and crankiness leave.
I feel my heart energy awaken.
I feel thought energy move from negative worry to calm.
I feel self-critical voice shushed, (this is an old habit I can unlearn).
I practice self-awareness, self-love, self-kindness.
I stretch my body and breathe into the temple, the sanctuary of compassion.
I invite all beings close to and from far, to join me in the heart temple.
At first it feels tight, because I am afraid it isn't big enough to hold everyone. Until I remember that is is not my physical heart space or the limits of my body, but the temple is in Kwan Yin's heart, as big as the Universal Heart pumping life into all our beings.
I breathe past the fear I have that if I lie here and do nothing I will turn into a mush ball and never get up and do anything productive again.
I hang out here exploring the 'nothing', this place within, with curiosity and begin to feel acceptance, instead of the ball of anxiety in my solar plexus.
I feel so tired of moving from everyone else's impulse and always responding as if I "have to", as if I am a puppet whose strings are pulled by someone else.
I feel resistance to moving this way anymore. I feel how passive I have been, how disconnected from my own passion.
Here in the heart and hearth of my new home, in a puddle of sunlit warmth, I feel content to not go outside. I feel content to not read any books on all the subjects that have enthralled me. I feel hungry for my own truth.
Where does my candle get lit from, from which fire?
Where does my energy come from, the desire to serve the world? to feel that I am/or have something to give?
I feel content to stay with the question, until the answer comes from within.
Even if I don't know anymore what the goal is, I do know it is no longer outside me.