Monday, November 07, 2011

Reimagining Life without Fear

Life is benevolent. It wants to give us our hearts' desires. We don't have to wrestle what we want from a resistant life. (WOWAffirmations, Patricia Lynn Reilly.

You discover there is nothing to be afraid of. If you walked through the world with this feeling, what would you do or be differently? 
(Life's companion, Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice, Christina Baldwin)

The above quotes coincided to bless my life experience this past week. It started with a dream I had the day after a Rolfing session (more on Rolfing later, but it's a kind of body talk experience, a gentle touch that releases fascia and emotional baggage trapped there). 

First, the dream: I am sitting in my backyard with my husband. I look up and there is a huge wall of grey shimmering water, taller than a high-rise, coming towards me. I turn to climb the chain link fence behind me, and can't lift myself up. I have no strength in my muscles. My husband tries to help me, on one knee, giving me a hand up, but neither of us can move, frozen in fear.

The dream work I did in the Rolfing session surprised me - after taking turns inhabiting all parts of the dream, being the wave, being my husband, being Jennifer frozen on the fence, I discovered the wall of water was actually not harmful but benevolence itself, a huge tsunami of love wanting to enclose me in its embrace.

(photo of Kennebunkport, Maine, October 8, 2011)

So, fear of disappearing into the wave of love has frozen me. Revisiting the dream, I felt the fear melting and the heart open in gratefulness. 

This week in journal class, we wrote using the quote from Life's companion as a prompt. If I discovered there was nothing to be afraid of, how would I live my life differently?  If life really is benevolent and wants me to realize my heart's desires (instead of living in struggle, fear, poverty mode), then perhaps I can begin to move through life in a more relaxed and open way...  It changes everything to start imagining this is true.

It works against my background of tightness and fear, always tense and expecting the worst, afraid that beauty and love are "too good to be true".  It works against my expectation of what I deserve.  It invites me to feel accepting and worthy of my highest good.  It nudges me out of my frozen on the fence mode, unable to take steps, take risks, move forward, and invites me to feel the deep embrace of the higher love inside me.

The strangest thing is how it manifests in the outer world. Once I open my heart and melt the resistance to love, all of a sudden I receive more love.  It's embarrassing to receive that much love. For instance, this year I received more birthday wishes on Facebook that I have ever had, not to mention emails and phone calls wishing me happy birthday.  My open, vulnerable self, that I call Baby Jennifer, revels in this love and the ego shivers and quakes like a small dog in a thunderstorm.

To accept this reality helps me take steps in publishing my next book, The Tao of Turning Fifty. It helps me be less shy to meet the people who can help me manifest my desire to reach as many women as possible with the resources and knowledge I want to share. It helps unfreeze me from not wanting to 'sell' myself or appear too pushy. My good girl self would like to hang back and let people come to me. But if they don't hear about the work I'm doing, how does that serve the purpose? 

Anyway, I am working with this new awareness. I will breathe myself into it, in my body.  I continue to explore the margins of fear, the echoes of love, feeling the shimmering possibility of moving forward in trust and love, knowing that Life is benevolent. It wants my well-being. We have a partnership going on here, and I can learn to trust that, bow to that, surrender to love instead of to fear.

have a great day/week,


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