Dreamer

What do I love, what do I want to do right now? I wrote in my journal sometime before the Christmas holidays began.

I was away in the mountains this past weekend with my kids. While they skiied with their Dad, I sat and read, wrote in my journal, did yoga, some writing exercises. It felt very grounding and peaceful. After the rush of the holidays, the marathon of friends and parties and family do's.

Reading this journal entry put me back in touch with the space I was in then, and the space I want to be in right now.  The wisdom of the heart.

Right now, in this moment, I want to allow the wisdom of my heart to bypass the strategist. I want the dreamer to awake and tell me her deepest cherished dream. I want to hold her hand and shush and rock her until she dares speak out loud her deepest wish - she has not shown herself for fear of being judged, and she is hiding underneath the bed.

She doesn't like to compete, she hates hype,  marketing, meetings and pressure to produce goals.  She is anti-goal. She lives for the feeling mode, under the surface of things. She is a shy fish. My outer voice is too loud, sometimes; it frightens her. I courted her in the past, but gave up, bured her under convention, under the 'should's', the must's, and Duty.

Right now I want to listen.
Right now I want to receive guidance.
Where are my life's interests sending me - a book, more classes, healing?
I do want to be healed.

Sometimes you have to let the wounds show, let the air at them.
Here's to opening up to heart's wisdom in 2010.

that's as far as I can go with 'planning' or goals.
Trust, surrender, giving myself the space to explore in.