Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Let your heart be drawn by what feeds it

These days, I'm writing but not writing. Blogging, journaling, writing essays, lectures, sometimes lists, keeping a daily agenda filled with notes of things to do, but lately no poems, no spontaneous bursts of creativity. Sigh. My heart is not in it, I guess.

I found a great quote on Facebook, (where I often steal quotes in beautifully photographed frames). This one has no picture around it, but just says what I feel in my heart these days:

It's not about figuring out what Big Thing you are here to do. It's about recognizing what is life-giving and turning your face in that direction. It's about letting yourself be drawn by that which feeds your heart and soul, about being present enough to turn away from that which has no life for you to turn toward that which makes you open and open and open, like a blossom reaching toward the sun, rooted in the earth.

I'm not sure what the Big Thing is anymore. It appears to have escaped me once again. But I just spent five days and more on retreat, listening to that which feeds my soul, and now that I am back home, I feel slightly different. It's not that I am not promoting my book, arranging speaking engagements, setting up classes to begin next week, but in my heart, I am happy to sit in silence for a wee bit longer, filling up the well.  I stand at the washing machine and separate the white from the coloured piles, get through the suitcases of laundry, but still my heart is remembering how full it feels. I don't appear to need to write about it.

My normal habit of doing three things at once is still on automatic, but I find myself stopping in the middle of pouring leeks, potatoes and broth into the blender to just savour the moment, take a breath and feel my feet on the ground. I look out the window at the loud wind blowing through the tall grasses and the oak tree, the sumac bending over double, and I feel calm, not anxious.

So may be I am feeling a tiny bit more present, more open to turning towards that which opens me up inside, like a sunflower turning towards the sun, but still rooted - as I am rooted in the everyday actions of cooking, cleaning, typing, doing laundry. I spent a number of days listening to Prem Rawat, a teacher of mine for almost forty years, speak in sometimes humourous sometimes deep and serious tones, about my connection to the Divine, and how important it is to feel it, and how easy to let go to it.

I don't feel like I need to tell you everything he said, I just feel in awe of the transformation that has come over me. A little disconcerting at moments, when I relish just sitting in the silence and letting the tender ecstasy take over. There is still a small part of me that resists, but it is getting smaller, being washed away by the love within, the strong pull of the human heart wishing, no, longing for connection.

So there, I've said it, I am turning away from flogging my 'products' and turning towards writing about the heart's need for connection and love. It seems very unworldly of me, almost naive in a childlike way. But there it is, the need for more admiration of existence, the need for something greater to fill my sails from within, the need to turn away from chasing fame, success, and glory, and just be, who I am. That is the shortest complete sentence in the English language by the way, and it's written on a cap I brought back from Amaroo - I am.

Thanks be, I am.

No comments: