Fall into Fall - seasons and cycles

SoulCollage(R): Wheel of Fortune card 

As the wheel of the year turns, and the equinox is upon us, I am musing on endings and beginnings, the seasonal cycles of pausing and returning, while the world burns in fiery conflagrations, tossed by tornadoes and hurricanes, floods and storms. It is time for me to pause and give thanks in spite of the turbulence, or maybe because of it.

Here in this protected oasis (for the moment) I look for what is solid and real, while around me everything appears to spin out of control.

In the northern hemisphere, we are wrapping up summer, transitioning to fall; it is reassuring that the seasons keep changing, following more or less a regular pattern. Here in our Canadian harbour, we are planting seeds for a new construction – a future home in the country and retreat center slash music space – a new beginning for both of us, as we tear down the old horse barn, (recycled to an alpaca farm) and get ready to clear the land and rebuild.  Hopefully next spring it will be ready to move in. A dream project is unfolding as we enter a new phase of being (almost) grandparents (due in January), and partial retirement for my husband next June.

This year has seen the end of a work cycle for me as all workshops and retreats (in person) were cancelled – with the Covid pause, there was less workflow, and more rest time. It was a needed break after spinning my wheels and ramping up my networks. It feels like the end of a part of my life cycle too – my mother passed in April, and her house of 54 years was emptied - the overflowing basement and closets, her five bedroom house finally cleaned and cleared of smoke,  furniture, old boxes of memories, letters and photos, and just plain junk. We made a big bonfire at my brother's and burned some old desks and things.  That felt good.

In this blessed pause from more public activities, there’s a strong pull to write family history or memoir (as I sort through all the slides, photos and movies, letters and treasures found in my mother’s house). There is a freedom that comes with emptying. I may become able to write more, as I let go of all the shoulds that weigh on me. I step back and imagine letting the basket of shoulds lie on the floor – maybe writing them down on small pieces of paper and burning the  words, emptying myself out just like my mother’s house--  of all the internal boxes, baggage, collections of hurts, past grievances, allegiances, lists of things I think I must do, responsibilities for others I have taken on – sifting and sorting what is mine to do or not mine, (releasing the good girl, rescuing others, being a busy body); leading women’s circles, performing a public role, or wearing the mask of One who knows how it should be; the desire to be seen as wise mentor – all that – scuffed, sloughed off, recycled and composted. An emptying out of the inner house too. Perhaps an invitation to the muse.

Here and now, fall means making arrangements to close up the deck, the dock, the porch, the cushions and couch, the outdoor places ready to be sealed up, the garden put to bed, the hedges clipped, although I want to leave the flowers with seeds and tall grasses for the birds to glean this winter. 

It will soon be Thanksgiving, and already the stores and markets are overflowing with an abundance of tomatoes, squash and cauliflower; the harvest is plentiful, we are ready for gratitude, feasting and parties flowing with the grape/wine harvest too.

May the cycles and seasons hold to their course. And may all the fullness of the season, of autumn and its rich blessings, find you well, keep you safe.

For those who are gathering the broken pieces of their homes after a disastrous season of fiery storms and hurricane flooding, may the homes you rebuild be safe and free from harm. For those faced with illness and loss in this pandemic time, may you find the grace and benevolence of life cycles, even there.

May the teachings of fall, about cycles, endings and beginnings remind us we are part of the natural cycle too, and help us find our own season of fallow, of rest and renewal.

May the muse be with you.

 

 

Corona Quarantine Update

SoulCollage(R) card: Home and Hearth

It’s a blast to be at home full-time, isn’t it? I feel safe, protected, not too lonely cause of Skype, Zoom and whatever tools to stay connected. 

But what a drag to have all my outside classes for the next two months cancelled! I planned, prepared and wrote scripts for retreats and workshops; I booked rooms and paid deposits and advertised like crazy; I made videos to promote my retreat, communicated with people who were interested in SoulCollage® training, workshops and intros like never before….all to have it be postponed due to this beep-beep virus. I will be writing a newsletter soon, once I have some new dates to announce.

Hey, but on the bright side, Jacques and I got some singing done. My hubby and I are half of Silk Sky Band  https://www.silkskyband.com/ and we love singing acoustic duets together. I love harmonizing with him (36 years ago, that's how we met!) He works from home since the past two weeks, and is loving it - working without having to deal with traffic, without constant interruptions, but he also spends a lot of draining time on phone calls with nervous clients. It’s been a rocky road for the market and investors.

At least we have each other – right? I have three sisters and two brothers who are single and I can sympathize. We went to Florida one week, then two weeks together at home, three meals a day, evenings binge watching Netflix on the couch, getting out to walk the dog together…until she had a little back pain episode two days ago; her legs just gave out on her briefly and she couldn’t get up - she lay there making a horrendous noise for a minute until we got her into her crate and then to the vet. She’s better now,  on more pain medication, as well as her heart medication, and yeah, at 15 she’s probably reached her best by date. Poor little Mollie, our Shiztu-Bichon mix, little cutie, who still gets heads turning when we walk with her, is not going to have any long walks for two weeks. She is good company, if quiet these days.

All this down time - what to do? I don’t know how productive you all are. But I can’t seem to concentrate. I thought this quiet time would help me reflect and focus on my writing. Hmmm, instead what I find is that every two days my anxiety amps up, and I need to do something like lie on the floor and breathe, or watch a video with some EFT, or take a chill pill. Especially if I have to go out somewhere, with gloves and mask, to pick up groceries or get to the notary to sign the closing on our new hobby farm! I feel like I should be overjoyed to get outside, but instead I’m even more nervous.

There are so many unknowns, and for a control freak like myself, probably traumatized in childhood from growing up in an alcoholic environment with tons of unexpected, unpredictable little crisis’s popping up, these unknowns are a little bit scary.  See, that little ball of worry in my tummy, it comes from past experiences and rushes up to greet me in this new crisis.

Anyways, I keep active, and creative and love making SoulCollage® cards and collages in my art journal. However, my brain is too full of worry to calm down and write creatively. I'm giving myself a pass on that one. And I am reading a lot instead. I have read four or five novels in the past two weeks (I know, I’m a speed reader). Good thing Amazon and Chapters deliver!

As for family, I keep in touch with our almost 30-year-old son and his wife, and our 27-year-old daughter by Facetime and their favorite app HouseParty. 

SoulCollage(R) card: Touch me through the Screen

We call or email with siblings and my 89 year old mom,, we see neighbours walk by and occasionally stop and chat at a good six foot distance. (the local policemen drive by on motorcycles checking out the parks and gathering places). We do not feel isolated, yet,  and we do have a pretty scenic view of the St Lawrence where it widens out into Lac St Louis, right in back of the house; barring any spring floods, with all the recent Geese flocking here on the ice floes, it’s been very peaceful.

My relationship with the wild world is increasing. Definitely gonna make a card for those Canada Geese because they are good guardians and companions.

The most fun thing we’ve done so far, besides making popcorn and watching the show Sex Education (a hoot!) on Netflix, is do some singing and post it on Facebook. We received a lot of good feedback, so I put two songs up on my YouTube channel. That’s a first! Life is Beautiful! 
https://www.youtube.com/feed/my_videos

We also shared some of our favorite songs on a new playlist on Spotify called Corona Congeé (means Corona holiday), with some uplifting, heart-full and happy songs.  It's public. 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4LpjAh6Jk1rnuLrcSjMeau  One of them is by Alison Kraus and James Taylor (two of our faves) doing “How’s the world treating you?” 

So that’s my question for today, How is the isolation-stay-at-home sheltering in place working for you?

Love and hugs, toodles

Jenn

www.jenniferboire.com

Finding Trust in Transition Times by looking back: A New Year Beckons

Well, here we are, on the cusp of another New Year. Coming out of a busy holiday time, full of laughter, wine, friends and family, a little bit of too muchness – having enjoyed too much of a good thing, and also in need of rest.

At the same time, I am prompted by my inner taskmaster to begin to plan ahead (some of you probably planned ahead already last fall for 2019!). But one thing I have learned over time is that winter is a quiet time for me, energy wise.

Yet still I have my lists of projects, unfinished, or not yet begun. I see other facilitators’ offerings for workshops and retreats lined up all the way to fall 2019, and wonder, will I offer something new this year? Or repeat a theme that was popular in 2018, with SoulCollage(R)?

By chance I opened a journal of mine from almost ten years ago, November 2009, before I trained to become a SoulCollage facilitator. I was still leading journaling classes. There was a list of things under the theme: What do I love? I am very intrigued, because it appears to me that I have lost sight once again of what I love. I feel a bit worn down, a little fatigued with the need to always come up with new ideas and themes. A guilty part of my soul just wants to do nothing, see no-one, lead no one.

In yoga this morning, I felt a deep need to feel my own serene presence.

I got flashes during  the relaxation part of images of my child self – in Grade 4, as a competitive student, wanting to raise her hand and be seen and heard, at the top of her class. I also saw her flirting with the boys at school. Even younger, I saw her being a good helper to her mom, playing with the siblings and little ones, changing diapers, holding bottles.  

The need to be good, to be the best at school, the need to be seen and heard is perhaps what lead me to service, satsang and meditation in an ashram for 8 years in my twenties. And then perhaps lead me back to school to study English Literature and Creative Writing and compete as a writer in a world of fiction and poetry.  Then after my kids were born, it brought me out of my little part-time writing room into the classroom to lead journaling workshops and then add SoulCollage(R). Now, at age 64, I feel that need winding down.

So the list of what I loved in 2009 was:

I love talking and being heard. I love meaningful conversations, connections with people.

I love being connected to me.

I love being and feeling grounded.

I love moving with grace.

I love eating calmly with awareness, good healthy food.

I love having someone else clean and cook for me.

I love massages, Reiki and being loved.

I love my sisters and brothers.

I love my kids, and friends and family.

I love reading poems in public.

I love singing on stage.

I love the spotlight.

I love stepping out of bounds.

I love to be stretched.

I love music: flute drum bass.

I love being quiet and alone, diving deep into yoga, feeling peace.

On the next page of my journal was written, What do I want to do right now?

“Right now in this moment, I want to allow the wisdom of my heart to bypass the strategist. I want the dreamer to awake and tell me her deepest cherished dream. I want to hold her hand and shush and rock her until she dares speak out loud her deepest wish – she has not shown herself for fear of being judged and she is hiding underneath the bed. She doesn’t like to compete; she hates hype, marketing, meetings and the pressure to create goals. She is anti-goal. She lives for feeling, under the surface of things. She is a shy fish and my outer voice is too loud, it frightens her. I courted her in the past, but gave up, buried her under convention, under Should-Must-Duty.

Right now I want to listen.

Right now I want to receive guidance about where my life’s interests are – a book? Classes? Healing? I want to be healed.”

What surprises me about this list is that I did actually write and publish The Tao of Turning Fifty a few years down the road in 2012. I did lead classes from my home until the end of 2017 and workshops till 2018. I did seek out healers, osteopaths, massage therapists and acupuncturists and I did receive healing. In hindsight, it all unfolded exactly according to this desire, expressed silently in my journal, to myself.

What surprises me about reading this now, is that I am back in the same place – wondering what I really want to do. I have danced and sung in the spotlight with a quartet,  done some musical theatre and sang in an acoustic band with my husband, (check!).  I have a women’s circle and a SoulCollage(R) circle where my needs for being seen and heard, and creative expression,  are fulfilled.

I feel as if I have come full circle -  it is time for me to listen in again and receive guidance. I am still anti-goals. That hasn’t changed. I may be competitive by nature, but I have zero desire to get out there and compete in the world of self-care gurus and authors. I think I am winding down that ‘outward’ energy phase of my life. Is that possible? Didn’t I just sign up to be the Inner Wisdom guide? Will I be content to just do yoga, meditate and write in my journal? Of course, the SoulCollage(R) facilitator trainer part is new, and will unfold over the next five months. I am content to hold space for that new learning and to attend a conference of facilitators in Italy in June.

But the burning desire to share everything I learn and know has left me. Or at least died down for the moment. I feel afraid it may never return. I wonder who my persona will be without that fearless leader persona leading me.

With gratitude, I come back to the list of what I love.

I think it’s time to let go of performing and being “good”. And it's time to lose the attitude of provitude, the always striving and pushing myself to be 'better than'. High time to be releasing and letting go of the fear of the future.

I welcome my own serene presence, dive into the sacred moment, and the next moment. Trusting it will all unfold for me in 2019, as it did in 2009.

“Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see, Que Sera Sera.”

Perhaps that little shy fish, la petite fille qui chantait aux fleurs, will surface and whisper in my ear, what she really loves to do.

I'm listening....

SoulCollage(R) card: Hearing the call 

Spring Energy

I am learning something powerful and useful in my 61st year. I'm starting to become more aware of what feeds my energy and what drains my energy, and where my cycles flow up or down.

For instance, this winter I laid low., very low, lots of resting and napping to get me through the cold winter and lack of light. On sunny days, I sometimes laid on the rug with the cat and dog, soaking up the light. I made a lot of art, collages and SoulCollage(R), but no lesson plans.

My coach had suggested to look at my calendar and schedule a year in advance, and notice in which parts I felt most inspired and energetic, and when I usually felt low energy. Up until now, I used to begin teaching classes every January and April following the school year. But this winter, I realized I'd be tired after the holidays and put it off.

And put it off, and put it off.

I spent the months of January til March recuperating, as well as dancing and singing in a Broadway show, but I didn't teach any classes. (I did lead my first long distance retreat, in Costa Rica, which was fun & challenging). But I kept thinking my energy would come back, and it finally did - once the play was over, end of March!

In some ways, this has been a Year of Living Selfishly, by which I mean, soulfully listening in to my Self to see what need comes up first  - what my body, heart and soul need.  (and since my kids are studying out of town, it's mostly  'me time' anyway). It's taken a lot of patience, (and I am not by nature very patient) but I'm learning to listen in.  Actually, I keep thinking I've found the "next thing", the next project, the ideas on the back burner come forward, and then go right back to simmer mode. It's been hard to not dig up the roots and stir the earth around the little shoots to pull them up out of the ground.

I did, however, come up with a Seasonal Retreat plan. Instead of deciding last minute, I've actually got a women's spring retreat http://jenniferboire.com/event/sacred-self-care-retreat/, booked for April 30 and one for August 6 (Summer Retreat). The Fall and Winter retreats will be end of October and end of January. 4 Seasons, 4 Retreats.

What have I learned about myself in this process? that there's no point pushing things - I'm a Type A person who likes to organize and plan ahead - but this is not a full-time job for me, there is no where to punch in. I am my own boss and I can adjust my schedule. What I do need, at this venerable age of 61, is to envision my work as a cycle that feeds me as well as feeding other women - all the Creative Circle classes and retreats I've lead in the last 8-10 years, have been very fulfilling. But as a teacher and facilitator, sometimes I'm on the "leading" side of things and not receiving as much as I need to.

I'm just musing here, but it is slowly become clearer. I journal every morning, and that helps me see patterns. I practice collage in my Art Journal and SoulCollage(R). I make myself mini-retreats to check in on a weekly basis and ask for guidance.  Having a creative life is not a linear thing, and surprisingly, I'm just learning that.  The spiral of life, and of life energy, moves in and out, around and back. The cycle of the year, of the months and the moon, is connected to my energy cycles and even sleep cycles.

So it begins with listening in. It begins with circling my self, with keen awareness. Sitting down and paying attention, hearing the still small voice that guides me so subtly. Making a friend, yes, befriending that soul energy that is flowing underneath my list of 'to do's and my activities. Changing gears at the last minute, if it feels right to.

Mapping and making art with Cat Caracelo has been very nurturing and nourishing. thanks to this artful process, I'm gaining new insights.

Spring Energy is definitely here!

Writing and your Creative Process

image from: www.wanderlust.co.uk/magazine/articles/

Someone asked me today what my creative process was like. Did I use a pen and paper, or type directly onto a computer? Did it really take me four years to publish The Tao of Turning Fifty? And that started a long conversation, in which the following tips came up. Some of them I am trying for the first time, like doing different kinds of writing at different times of day.

Make it special: I’ve moved my desk three times in the last year, and each time there was something ‘not right’ about the spot – view great, internet connection lousy, or no view, great desk and internet. Or Room is too cold! I need some sun and a warm sweater. So finding the right spot is important, in the quietest corner of your house preferably, or if you need noise and stimulation, find a busy cafe somewhere out of the house, but make it your “special” spot. It helps to create a routine.

Ritual: some of us don’t like to do the same thing twice, others like to perform little rituals of preparation. It could be as simple as lighting a candle or making a cup of hot Chai, but if you prime your subconscious mind that ‘this is how my writing time begins’ with an additional signal or ritual, it can help you get past the mind blocks your inner critic throws at you, like ‘now is not a good time, there’s all that laundry waiting’, or “now is never a good time, you suck at writing”. I may need to light some incense or play some 70’s music (David Bowie) to inspire me to write about my teen years, for instance. That’ll put me right back in my 16 year old bedroom with the turntable and my younger sister sharing a room...egads!

Treats: add a treat to the ritual! Don’t look at writing as a punishment, and crack the whip. Get out the licorice or dark chocolate. Give yourself a reward for getting your bum into the chair and doing it. Make it something not too distracting: vodka or rum may lead to relaxation, but you might not get very much writing done. Then again, whatever turns you on....

Writing schedule: this has never worked for me. Every year, I make resolutions, I rearrange my priorities, I skip yoga so I can write...today I decided that realistically, mornings are best for creative writing: Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings I will write for 90 minutes, in my journal, long hand. And in the afternoons, I will give myself another 90 minutes for ‘business’ writing on the computer: Facebook posting, quote gathering, promotional blurbs and blog writing. We’ll see if this works. My theory is that as I finish meditation at 8:30 a.m. or so, and  my journal is close by my bed, the morning time will be best for musing and creative writing. Then again, my kids are studying away from home, and once my husband leaves for work I have the house to myself. Choose a time that works for you. And one you will actually be able to do.

Know your self: this sounds obvious, but you need to be able to describe who you are, what you do, what your expertise or area of knowledge is, why you want to write this book – I am ....is a powerful beginning. Think of those 30 second elevator speeches that force you to summarize everything you know into a few short lines. You’ll need this on your book jacket.

Network with the people who love what you love: there are many more readers of books out there than you realize. Don’t get discouraged by all the books already published (I know the feeling, it hits me whenever I enter a bookstore). Join a writers club (www.shewrites.com for example), connect with other writers and you’ll learn tips, share experiences, and maybe find your audience (depending on whether you are a fitness instructor or a romantic novelist). MindBodyGreen http://www.mindbodygreen.com/  has published several articles of mine, and now I’m looking at TinyBuddha http://tinybuddha.com/ to find like-minded readers.

Hire a copy editor: if you are self-publishing, and want this to turn into a viable book, don’t just proofread and correct your own spelling. Hire an editor, a neutral third person whose only job is to see what is working (or not) in your syntax and punctuation. They will also be a good first reader in general. Get a few quotes and compare. I found a good one, in Canada, at http://www.editors.ca/hire/index.html.

These are just some of the things that help. If you have anything else that works for you, please feel free to share it with us!

Jennifer

Creative feminine: Mothering and Writing

Time is finite. I’m hovering close to sixty. It’s time to dig deep and find the courage to publish those stories about my teenage sexual discoveries – they’re wrapped up in brown paper bags waiting for my censor to calm down. I guess that’s why I teach others, so that I can learn myself, how to free that lovely Censored Voice, the one that speaks of longings, taboo feelings, the one especially that says, make time for Me. Or I will wreak havoc in your life: explosions, sleepless nights, PMS, mood swings, murderous rages and depressive dips… Allow time for my wild self, my creative soul, my need to be Alone for one hour of uninterrupted time a day/week.

excerpt from post on Laundry Line Divine, 

read the full story here: http://laundrylinedivine.com/out-of-the-mouths-of-babes/jennifer-boire/

What is the colour of your writing?

I visited the Musee du Jardin de Luxembourg exhibit on Chagall today, and aside from the sheer number of paintings and the work, I was struck by his use of colour. On my way out, I bought the magazine describing the exhibition and inside of it was a lexicon of the symbols he used (goat, rooster, couple, musicians) and the colours and what they represented.

According to one author, Chagall said, Blue is the colour of my soul. (Of course another author said, he just said that to blow off curious people asking too many questions). But I like that his soul had a colour.

I'm in the middle of a writing retreat, so I began to read more about Chagall, and it turned into a few pages about my own choice of colours, especially in clothes I'm wearing. It began as an inquiry in my journal about that woman who likes pink shoes and an orange shirt she hasn't worn yet. It turned into a discussion of colour and what it has meant to me at different periods. And the reasons behind why I haven't been writing lately.

So can going to an exhibit be a muse for your writing? or seeing a painter prompt a poem or a prose piece? Not that unusual, perhaps, except I hadn't thought of it on my own, the writing facilitator suggested it as an artist date with myself (a concept from Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way).

Reading it back tonight after supper, to a listener for the first time, I was pleased with the piece. Then Karen, the retreat facilitator said, I think you're writing again!

So what colour will trigger your writing? your creative juices? can you get outside your room or house and go for a walk and notice something you have never seen before, and get inside some inspiration from outside? what surprised me is that it doesn't always have to come from your 'imagination' or inside your head.

Dare to do something different, shake up your schedule, pencil an hour with your camera, mix up the arts a little, and allow yourself the freedom to find a new path, just for today.

that's all for now, from Paris,
Jenn/Musemother
xxxooo

Journal writing tips

Flipping through my files to find the Benefits of Journaling for a talk I'm giving Wednesday on Navigating the Mid-Life Transition, at the Pointe Claire Library I found these tips I use in my writing classes:

Pick a time and place: Find a Quiet Place to do Daily Journaling

Write at home or somewhere else, as long as it is comfortable, with space for privacy and time without interruption. Find a time that works for you – first thing in the morning is often easiest, before the day gets too busy. Or just before bedtime. There is no ‘right time’ except the one that fits your schedule. If we don’t claim this time, it won’t happen.  A few guidelines I found in Janet Conner's wonderful book  Writing down your soul, Janet Conner website :  Show Up, Open Up, Listen up and Follow Up.  

Start Each Journal Entry With a Date

This will make a difference, especially if you go back and read them later. Dates help pinpoint events.

Write one Word or One Line

Write one word that describes your day. Write one line that sums up something that happened. Write about how you feel today, what your body is feeling. Describe the view from your window. Or the bird that just hopped into view.  I dare you to write just one line.

Let it Go

No need to censor yourself; put the editor on the back burner. Write as it comes, without correcting grammar or punctuation. Look for the free flow, and use a timer for five minutes or ten minutes and keep your hand moving on the page even if you think you have nothing to say. (A little trick I learned from Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones http://nataliegoldberg.com/.

Be as Creative as Possible and Take Risks

Remember that nothing in this journal needs to be "finished" or complete. You can jot down drawing ideas, compositions, bits of dialogue, a story plot, a poem or quotes you love. The idea is to get the juices flowing!  There is no censor, no rules, no worries about grammar, and we write quickly so the editor doesn’t chime in.

Write what you’re afraid to say, write the taboos and silences that don’t get spoken. Write what your heart really aches to say to someone but can’t. Write like there’s nobody watching. Tell the inner critic to take a break for five.

Let your Journal be the launch pad

Use coloured pencils to draw in symbols and images. Add colour to express your feelings. Let your dreams come into your journal. Keep it beside your bed so you can write them down before they disappear (sometimes you’ll remember them if you get up to go pee in the middle of the night, keep a pen handy). Paste things in your journal, pictures you cut out of magazines, photos, stickers, piece of textile you love the feel of, things you love.

Visit Planet Sark to see examples of zany playful creativity and journaling. http://planetsark.com/

Journal writing can help you to:

Learn to pay attention to the ordinary details of your life, observing & collecting beauty.

Gain perspective on where you are, where you’ve been and where you’re going

Develop a stronger sense of who you are, what matters and counts

Become your own best friend: cultivate loving kindness for yourself.

Listen in to your women’s wisdom or Intuition, and dialogue with the inner voice.

NOTE: If you are worried about someone reading your journal, find a way to lock up your journal, put it in the glove compartment of your car, write at a library, shred the pages you are worried about; make it safe and private. 

Happy Writing

Musemother

Let your heart be drawn by what feeds it

These days, I'm writing but not writing. Blogging, journaling, writing essays, lectures, sometimes lists, keeping a daily agenda filled with notes of things to do, but lately no poems, no spontaneous bursts of creativity. Sigh. My heart is not in it, I guess.

I found a great quote on Facebook, (where I often steal quotes in beautifully photographed frames). This one has no picture around it, but just says what I feel in my heart these days:

It's not about figuring out what Big Thing you are here to do. It's about recognizing what is life-giving and turning your face in that direction. It's about letting yourself be drawn by that which feeds your heart and soul, about being present enough to turn away from that which has no life for you to turn toward that which makes you open and open and open, like a blossom reaching toward the sun, rooted in the earth.

– Oriah Mountain Dreamer 

I'm not sure what the Big Thing is anymore. It appears to have escaped me once again. But I just spent five days and more on retreat, listening to that which feeds my soul, and now that I am back home, I feel slightly different. It's not that I am not promoting my book, arranging speaking engagements, setting up classes to begin next week, but in my heart, I am happy to sit in silence for a wee bit longer, filling up the well.  I stand at the washing machine and separate the white from the coloured piles, get through the suitcases of laundry, but still my heart is remembering how full it feels. I don't appear to need to write about it.

My normal habit of doing three things at once is still on automatic, but I find myself stopping in the middle of pouring leeks, potatoes and broth into the blender to just savour the moment, take a breath and feel my feet on the ground. I look out the window at the loud wind blowing through the tall grasses and the oak tree, the sumac bending over double, and I feel calm, not anxious.

So may be I am feeling a tiny bit more present, more open to turning towards that which opens me up inside, like a sunflower turning towards the sun, but still rooted - as I am rooted in the everyday actions of cooking, cleaning, typing, doing laundry. I spent a number of days listening to Prem Rawat, a teacher of mine for almost forty years, speak in sometimes humourous sometimes deep and serious tones, about my connection to the Divine, and how important it is to feel it, and how easy to let go to it.

I don't feel like I need to tell you everything he said, I just feel in awe of the transformation that has come over me. A little disconcerting at moments, when I relish just sitting in the silence and letting the tender ecstasy take over. There is still a small part of me that resists, but it is getting smaller, being washed away by the love within, the strong pull of the human heart wishing, no, longing for connection.

So there, I've said it, I am turning away from flogging my 'products' and turning towards writing about the heart's need for connection and love. It seems very unworldly of me, almost naive in a childlike way. But there it is, the need for more admiration of existence, the need for something greater to fill my sails from within, the need to turn away from chasing fame, success, and glory, and just be, who I am. That is the shortest complete sentence in the English language by the way, and it's written on a cap I brought back from Amaroo - I am.

Thanks be, I am.

best

Jennifer/Musemother