I remember weeping in the bathtub
I remember muscles soft like mush, a broken knee, walking with crutches
I remember healing in the sun-filled solarium in winter, listening to Yo Yo Ma
I remember falling apart
I remember getting a frozen shoulder a few years later, after bursitis, and walking 2 large dogs every day; the acupuncturist said, can’t anybody else walk the dogs?
I remember tears, and playing lullabies to soothe myself to sleep
I remember daily naps, in the afternoon
I remember asking my daughter to tuck me in at 8:30 cause I couldn’t stay awake
I remember sleeping with a heating pad under my shoulders, intense pain
I remember backing out of many volunteer jobs because I could not handle the stress; And then my shoulders got better
I remember being disappointed in myself
I also remember how hard I tried to be good, to be counted on, and reliable and how I felt ashamed of not seeing things through.
But my brain was mush, my legs were mush and I was in a fog, lying in pieces on the floor
I wrote poems about this, but nobody wanted to hear them
I could not hide my failing apartness, nor my wicked mood swings
I needed solitary confinement or a straitjacket, not to harm my children with all the yelling.
I yelled a lot, for no reason
As I said, the walls were not holding
It was a time of falling down
And ceasing to pick myself up.
It did not last forever.
t just felt like it.