Mid-Life Lessons

SoulCollage(R) card: Ready to Blow!

Some people associate mid-life with their forties, but menopause doesn't hit some women until their mid-fifties, and that is one of the great disruptors, along with divorce, illness, death of a loved one, end of a career, and empty nest.

Sometimes the G-force of mid-life changes flattens you back up against your seat like on a Roller coaster. You lose a friend to breast cancer, a parent dies, your children turn into strangers in their teens, and you begin to feel as fragile as a one-winged butterfly blown in the wind. You, who were the strong one, the stable influence, the core and heartbeat of the family, the one who held it all together, begin to feel like you are falling part.

As I wrote in my book The Tao of Turning Fifty, the greatest lessons I learned (and am still learning at age 64), are these:

• you cannot do it all alone - ask for help and release the Superwoman Syndrome
• you are allowed to rest, take naps, take a break to breathe, Pause often and do Nothing
• surrender, stop fighting the current
• stillness and solitude are great allies - book some time to Get Away!
• girlfriends who can listen to your rants and angst are a great Boost, cherish them
• tell your husband and your family that this temporary insanity will end and to be extra patient with you, as you swing high and low. Get them to help out and expect them to pitch in!

I know for me, my shoulders were carrying the burden of taking care of everyone and doing it all myself. As the eldest in a family of eight, I had been brought up to be the One in Charge, responsible and dutiful. It was very hard for me to soften the reins, loosen my grip, and ask for help when I needed it. Sore aching shoulders, (calcific bursitis) lead me to get some TLC and extra massages, which was a real boon. I was so used to Soldiering On, despite the pain, but I was forced to give in and get help.

That is why I am writing this message for you, mid-life women, today. You don't have to do it all alone. Grant yourself a prescription for loving kindness, small little ways to reduce the load and love yourself at the same time.

Namaste!

Jennifer

ps see my website for information on the upcoming one-day workshop Body Love In a Dangerous Time, with SoulCollage(R), and journaling exercises to help you love your body and soul!

SoulCollage(R) card: Angel Blesses my Belly

My Body is not a Danger zone

Falling apart at mid-life

http://borislava33.deviantart.com/art/Falling-apart-525640004r

I remember weeping in the bathtub

I remember muscles soft like mush, a broken knee, walking with crutches

I remember healing in the sun-filled solarium in winter, listening to Yo Yo Ma

I remember falling apart

I remember  getting a frozen shoulder a few years later, after bursitis, and walking 2 large dogs every day; the acupuncturist said, can’t anybody else walk the dogs?

I remember tears, and playing lullabies to soothe myself to sleep

I remember daily naps, in the afternoon

I remember asking my daughter to tuck me in at 8:30 cause I couldn’t stay awake

I remember sleeping with a heating pad under my shoulders, intense pain

I remember backing out of many volunteer jobs because I could not handle the stress; And then my shoulders got better

I remember being disappointed in myself

I also remember how hard I tried to be good,  to be counted on, and reliable and how I felt ashamed of not seeing things through.

But my brain was mush, my legs were mush and I was in a fog, lying in pieces on the floor

I wrote poems about this, but nobody wanted to hear them

I could not hide my failing apartness, nor my wicked mood swings

I needed solitary confinement or a straitjacket, not to harm my children with all the yelling.

I yelled a lot, for no reason

As I said, the walls were not holding

It was a time of falling down

And ceasing to pick myself up.

It did not last forever. 

t just felt like it.

Jennifer Boire

Women: What I learned from being sick

Having a cold or flu in winter is almost a ritual that gets repeated at least once every year, inspite of my best precautions.

I have all kinds of herbal remedies, and usually I don't stay sick for long, but this year I was travelling when the sore throat hit, and far from my tried and true flu busters.

No one likes to be stuck in bed, head throbbing, nose leaking, fever and chills running through their body. So I can't claim to have enjoyed that time in bed, although I did get a novel read in record time...but  I did get in touch with a valuable lesson.

With my head feeling like it's wrapped in cotton batten, ears plugged and chest phlegmy, it's hard to be grateful for being alive, but being forced to slow down did turn out to be a gift.

I got in touch with a deep undercurrent of tiredness, and was unable to get up and run around as quickly as I usually do. My brain still hasn't returned to 'busy mode', at least not with the same rapid response time I like to pride myself on.  I haven't been glued to my computer as much. The gift that was waiting for me was pretty low-key, and under the radar.  It was the gift of my own slowed-down speed, the going slowly itself became the gift.

Going slowly is not comfortable necessarily, when you're used to multi-tasking as I am.  But reducing my normal input level to one thing at a time is a blessing. I can begin to operate on a hum instead of a shriek. I can't jump ahead and plan three trips at once, or envision having the energy to go anywhere except be where I am right now.  Looking straight in front of me, I begin to allow myself time to breathe, time to enjoy a cup of tea, time to feel the hot water in the sink warming my hands, time to feel the softness folding the bamboo sheets, time to notice the bare grass at the side of the road walking the dog (yeah! mud and spring!). I just took a 40 minute nap, and slowly unplugged myself from the 'what if's' and questions about new classes, and creative ideas I should be developing....and just slept, curled up with my little shit-zu in my arms, belly to her back.

The gift of the present sometimes has to be forced on us, through illness, through breaking a leg, or just being extremely fatigued. We stop whirling, twirling and expecting miracles of our superwoman/man selves. It is possible, and even desirable, to do one thing at a time.

I invite you to try it sometime, even without the flu!

namaste,
musemother

Getting through it: Menopausal Minefield

How did I survive it, I wonder sometimes? Looking back at the time I spent in sleepless nights, feeling like I was going crazy, weeping in my bedroom or lashing out at my teenagers with impatience, feeling far away from my husband and just generally, not 'myself'; it feels like the long period leading up to menopause was a dangerous minefield.

What helped me through it? lots of different things - Promensil, a little red clover pill I got at the pharmacy, suggested by a woman friend a few years older, prevented hot flashes and melt-downs of heat. I know some women like to call them Power Surges but I could do without those, thank you very much.

There were ups and also Down times - I remember seeing a counselor for about a year, for talk therapy and anger issues. I didn't like the little explosions, the unexpected blowing up at my kids and spouse. Therapy took a few layers of defensive stuff off (and helped the shoulders), and gave me some practical tips for getting help and not burning out, but after going over the same childhood territory, sad, lonely teen with a chip on her shoulder from being little mother to her siblings, alcoholic mother, workaholic dad, etc etc, it was getting a little repetitive, so next I saw a Reiki therapist who also did reflexology and gave me very sound advice about how being a Mom, flipped upside down, was WoW. Energy work of any kind, cranial sacral, reiki, osteopathy, are all very healing.

I must have seen four different homeopaths and naturopaths, looking for the perfect mind-body health solution. It wasn't only menopause, but those aches and pains at mid-life - who ever heard of bursitis before age 45? or basal cell carcinoma? I also had a frozen shoulder from too much working on a laptop computer. Still bothers me, but an osteopath (saw several actually, before I found "the one") helped me unfreeze it, as the whole collar bone and neck was affected. There were nights when only a heating pad could help the pain.

Hmm, diet wise, a naturopath helped me discover low iodine was a problem for my thyroid, and the tendency to wallow in depression lifted. Losing the gluten was a miracle, discovered after a month-long diet where you remove things, one at a time, first no red meat, then no chicken, then no eggs or cheese, til finally I was eating rice and veggies only, with some rice protein powder smoothies. All those joint aches and pains, weeping sessions, weight gain and mood swings were not from menopause and aging, but from a gluten intolerance.

Low libido and sex life - this minefield is more slippery - pardon the pun - it goes up and down, and although I've taken oat tincture and Lorna whatzername's supplements, used the Ganga lubrifier and other JoyToy remedies, this one feels more like a communication issue. Still working on that one. Mostly, it's about speaking up, and allowing myself to enjoy mindless pleasure. Go figure!

Yoga and meditation were my constant companions, and still are. There is just no way to find inner peace and balance without them, for me. That and journal writing have helped me negotiate the mine-fields and not get blown up in the process.

The skies are clearing now, the storm clouds mostly gone, and blessed be, my kids are studying in two different cities, so my alone time and hermit needs are more frequently fulfilled. I am so loving leading Creative Journaling and SoulCollage(R) classes, and discovering the company of other women on the journey. And now it's my husband's turn to navigate the mid-life minefields (he's growing a beard).

take good care now, and if you want to learn more about the peri-menopausal journey and self-care, look for The Tao of Turning Fifty, on my website or at amazon.com
Musemother/jenn

Mid-life and Exhaustion

She pictured herself hanging on with all her fingers to a wooden dock, and then, after hours of cramping hand pain, finally just lifting off her fingers, letting go of the dock, letting the gentle water and waves pull her backwards, like a pair of huge motherly arms gently tugging on her from behind, guiding her down river. It would be so easy, to just fall back, stop striving, stop rushing, stop getting things done, move backwards instead of forwards. Why do we always have to run forward, move forward, progress? she thought. The sense of accomplishment was nothing to her now. It only burdened her, the constant list of things to do. She wanted to refuse to function with goals and lists, although all her life it had kept her organized, sane, functional.

Now she simply wanted, if she could admit to the truth without guilt, she very much wanted to let go, and stop. Everything. Deadlines. Doing. Shopping. Decorating. Renovating. Driving. Registering. Volunteering. Managing. Coping. At a very deep level, the fear of her inner blank slate was going away. She wanted that white room. Actually, the fear was rising to the surface and she was seeing it, instead of hiding behind the business. And now that she looked at the fierce holding on out of fear in the face, she no longer could do it. Something, some vision of a deeper life, some need for inner psychic peace and ease, called to her. How ignore it, when she was so exhausted anyway?

July 7, 2005

The above is a short entry from my journal, which I thought I might develop into a short story.  I post it hear to remind myself that I was NOT always feeling so great and energetic as I am now. In fact, 6 years ago, I was in the midst (nearly at the end) of a mid-life transition that included fatigue, overwhelm, anxiety, mild depression probably (from the sounds of it) - plus my father had recently passed away, and my kids were hitting puberty. It does get better, I promise, if you take good care of yourself.

My advice to myself, and to you, dear reader, is to REST. The only real medicine for exhaustion according to Susun Weed (and there's a chapter about this in The Tao of Turning Fifty) is to rest, do nothing, lower your expectations, reduce your responsibilities to the absolutely essential, before you end up breaking down and being out of commission anyway.

You can take all the herbal supplements, caffeine or stimulants in the world, but if at the base of it, you are really really tired, allow yourself more time for REST.

enjoy the mid-winter mildness,

Jenn/Musemother

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WINTER SOLSTICE

Just reading Wikipedia and Aurum Astrology blog from sister Sue Raven, http://aurumastrology.blogspot.com/to find out the real meaning of the solstice.  Why did people around the world, even before Roman times and the Saturnalia, celebrate the sun in the middle of winter? Of course it has something to do with the longest night and the return of the light - apparently solstice comes from the Latin: sol for sun, sistere for to stand still, because from earth perspective, it appears that the sun stands still for a moment.

So I guess ancient philosophers thought, we should stand still too and honour the sun.  Dec 22 at 5:30 am is the beginning of the solstice in fact. But we can start celebrating tonight.

I plan to put up the Christmas tree with my kids who have just arrived from their various Universities. We'll have their favourite meal (French onion soup) and decorate the tree with bright shiny things, and remember all the wonderful moments we spent together in 2011.

Usually people wait until the New Year to make their resolutions, but my astrologer sister suggests that the new moon following the solstice on Dec 24, would be the best time to plant seeds for the coming year.

One way to do this is to write a list in your journal or on a piece of paper of what you want to attract for the new year. What is it you would like to feel? Can you imagine in your heart, instead of activities, feelings you would like to experience, ie more joy, harmony, peace and serenity.

Write them down in the present tense, like you do for affirmations.

example: I attract loving and gentle people to me in 2012.
I experience peaceful resolutions with co-workers.
My heart is full of abundant love for those around me.
I manifest what I truly desire.

Write it down, then burn it in the fireplace or over a candle (with something fireproof underneath).
Let your wishes fly away, let them go, so they have a better chance of manifesting.

May you live consciously, with peace and joy as your heart companions in 2012.
Happy Celebrations, Kwanza, Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah...

musemother/jenn
ps sign up for new classes or free newsletter at www.jenniferboire.com

Hot flashes and Soy: The truth?

The truth is, every time you read the news, the experts are changing their minds. First, soy was a sure thing to reduce hot flashes. Then I read in Susun Weed's The New Menopause the Wise Woman's Way www.susunweed.com that unfermented soy was not good for us. Now a clinical trial published in the Archives of Internal Medicine seems to show that soy's isoflavones do not protect against bone loss or hot flashes (a two year study of 248 postmenopausal women, G&M August 10) (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/search/?q=soy+won%27t+keep+hot+flashes&searchField=keywords&searchQuery=*%3A*) So it's hard to know what works. In the same article, the author mentions maintaining a healthy weight and getting enough exercise is good for reducing hot flashes, as well as adding flax seed and black cohosh, The only supplement I ever needed was Promensil, a red clover extract high in isoflavones. As long as I took the little pill every day I was fine, no hot flashes. One month I stopped taking it, and they came back in full force. The article suggests red clover has no effect, but  my experience shows otherwise, and several of my friends have used it as well, to good effect. I think it's like the homeopaths say - each body, each person, each psyche and physical being reacts differently to the same remedy. What works for one may not work for another. You may have to try a few different things before you discover what works. Whatever you do, know that the rocky road of menopausal change is temporary. Keep yourself in good health, get lots of rest, and support from your women friends and family.  There is a bright side to menopause, an increased level of confidence, a desire to speak our own truths, a clarity about what is in our best interests, a kind of reckoning with the 'good girl' self who was trained to put others first at her own expense.  It becomes imperative that we listen to the signals of our body, especially the need for rest and balance. Your intuition is heightened, and you can work on building a trust in that inner connection. Take good care of yourself, and know that happier times are ahead. musemother/jenn

Mid Life Angst and Turbulence

More than the night sweats and hot flashes, what really changed for me at menopause was my emotional landscape. I wasn't sure what the cause was, but I became hyper-sensitive. I cried easily at movies, couldn't stand to watch car crashes or bloody violence on the TV screen, I would flinch or jump at loud noises, and was generally more anxious than I remember being, especially while driving.

I would never have related this to hormone imbalance or menopause, if I hadn't read the following on the http://www.womentowomen.com website.

Here's an excerpt of the useful information I found there:

"Let’s start by looking at the root cause of anxiety — the destructive effect of stress on hormone balance.

It now seems the norm for women to be “maxed out” in all directions. Most of us work, and the workplace has gotten more demanding. Most of us raise children and help care for aging parents. We often have relationship issues that create stress too. And we are conditioned to put ourselves in last place on the list of priorities.

The type of stress is just as important as the amount. So much of the stress we experience is constant — it never goes away. The human body simply isn’t designed for constant stress. When that occurs, our ability to cope with stress can be overwhelmed. If you inventory the stress in your life you may realize that much of it is unremitting. This can give rise to a serious condition known as adrenal fatigue. It is also a cause of chronic anxiety that is often diagnosed as an anxiety disorder.

The estrogen dominance common to perimenopause probably adds to this “anxiety response.” In a normal menstrual cycle, estrogen dominates at the beginning of the cycle, and progesterone rises in the second half. The progesterone has a calming, relaxing effect. But in perimenopause we have more cycles in which we don’t ovulate, so the progesterone level stays low. (Also see our article on irregular periods.) For some women, anxiety attacks are their major symptom of perimenopause."

Add to all this the bad habits we have of jumpstarting our bodies with caffeine and eating poorly when stressed, and you have the recipe for higher levels of anxiety." www.womentowomen.org

I know many women in the same boat, with aging parents and teen-agers, full-time or part-time jobs, or sick family members that need care-taking, and very little time to care for themselves, let alone eat a healthy meal and get to bed early every night. So if you are one of those women burning the candle at both ends, don't be surprised if you feel a little raw or as if your nerves are exposed. Susun Weed, in her book The Menopausal years The Wise Woman Way says this can also come about due to our own neglect of listening in.

"You may think your feelings are out of proportion, too sharp, quite irrational, possibly insane. But, I assure you, they are only raw from neglect. Receive them without judgment, nourish them, and your 'uncontrollable' feelings during the menopausal years will lead you to the deepest heart of your own secrets.

If you cannot tolerate those about you, leave. Go to the sheltering space of your cave. Claim your Crone's Year Away."  www.susunweed.com

Here's something you can do to feel better: write about your feelings in your journal, get in touch with your buried feelings (anger, grief, loss); Sing the blues or dance it out with some salsa music. Get more sunshine - not too hard in spring and summer. Move your body out into nature and take a long, healing walk. Get a massage - you'll be surprised what emotions well up sometimes while you are lying on a massage table. If tears come, let them. Find a homeopath to help you find a remedy. There are several remedies for emotional upset, overwhelm, feelings of depression or wanting to be left alone. Homeopathy was the only remedy I needed in menopause. It's inexpensive and has no side effects.

Finally, get thyself away on a retreat! - you may not be able to take a year off from your life, but you can certainly take one or two days. Find a woman's retreat by googling it, or look in your local health food store or yoga centre. I hold women's retreats once a season, so check this blog for announcements.



A new website coming in the fall, with my book, The Tao of Turning Fifty, and updates on courses and retreats.


Take good care of you!!

Nameste,
musemother

Cultivate your Inner garden

I've been reading up on materials for a retreat coming up, about what fertilizes your soul, and have serendipitously also found a number of good books at a local used book store.

Woman, Earth and Spirit, The Feminine Symbol and Myth by Helen Luke is full of wonderful understanding about the creative feminine spirit.

Too often we align ourselves with the outer values of the work force; production, performing, success and goal making drive us forward until we hit the wall of exhaustion.  Luke would say this is because we don't value the feminine values of receiving, openness, holding space. The feminine fertilizes in the dark space where the seed lies in the earth, receiving nourishment, light and water and heat from above. It is the earth's nature to foster growth in the dark so that the seed may reach up to the light. This inner fertilizing of our soul growth is as important as the creative output phase.

The soul needs tranquility, and rest, not only fire; inner cultivation occurs in the darkness by resting, finding completeness and wholeness from within.  "The way back and down to those springs [water of life] and to the roots of the tree is likewise the way on and up to the spirit of air and fire in the vaults of heaven." Luke

If we don't give ourselves time to rest and be still, to listen within, due to the pressure to perform and feel worthy, then we "scorch our inner garden with the destructive fire".  We burn up, we burn out. We feel dry and empty.

So to find the fertilizing power you need, think about what elements you need to help you rest and go within.

Think about going on retreat, or making yourself a mini-retreat for an hour or two, by unplugging the phone, the computer and emails. Even over lunchtime, you can make a mini-retreat by walking outside in the sunshine, finding a shady tree to sit under, reflecting on the Waters of life that nourish you and what they may be.

nameste,
jenn/musemother

Peace and Cake

It's funny about blogs. Now that I am aware that there are people who subscribe and follow this blog, I am more conscious about what I want to say, and who I am saying it too. Most of the time what I write is a spur of the moment inspiration. I also realize that there are men reading this, not only women - (maybe the 'go pee when you have to' on my list of 7 Tools doesn't make sense to a man - is it only women who hold it in while they continue scurrying around doing a million other things that need doing?)

Anyway, today is worth writing about. Today was Debra's 50th birthday party, and she prepared a garden party for us, where we were treated like queens. She prepared food herself, had some of it catered, from salads and wraps to chocolate cake and fruit platter. We drank champagne, and chatted with some of her friends we didn't know yet. She had about 15 people there, including her mother-in-law, so I figure she has a lot of good friends, a lot to be grateful for.

As the party wound down, a few of us sat still drinking tea and talking about stuff - about massage (since our gift to her was a certificate for an hour and a half massage); about how we are all so tense, hold on to so many tensions inside. I had a wonderful conversation with Doris, 78, who suddenly asked me, 'how do you relax? sometimes I can't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I don't know how to turn it off, the mind is always thinking.'

I thought I could share a few tips about breathing, the slow relaxing outbreath, the yogic centering breath, but really it wasn't the place for that. But when I mentioned the word Sabbath, talking about the book I'm reading called Sabbath, Restoring the Sacred rhythm of Rest (Wayne Muller) http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&search-type=ss&index=books&field-author=Wayne%20Muller&page=1 her face lit up. "Synagogue! that's where I feel at peace, she said. "I sit and close my eyes, listen to the music, sometimes we have to sing along, and I feel transported." Wouldn't it be nice to find an inner temple to be transported to?

Isn't that what we all want? a way to find that sacred space in which we forget our worries, let go the 'holding' we do, and just come back, settle back into simplicity, into a comfortable feeling of being at home with ourselves, of being rocked into serenity. Some of us find it in music, some of us find it in churches, or by the lake, but all of us have this natural urge to feel peace within.

That is a topic that I can safely say transcends gender. Women, men, mothers and fathers, we all want to feel that simple, homey, feeling of peace.

It's right under our noses, it's so close and attainable. If we can leave it some space, & breathe into it. Allow it to catch up with us. Stop for a moment and catch the wind in your sail, let the calm inner self be where you are. Stop holding on. Surrender your restlessness. "Quench our thirst with Sabbath tranquillity" as Wayne Muller puts it. Lose our fear of resting and non-doing. Find our wellness in just being.

I wish that for Doris, and I wish it for Debra, and I wish it for all of us.

nameste,
jenn

The true measure of success

(c) Free nature photos



Just got an email from Hay House promoting a book about success.

"Success is not about driving yourself harder; it is about letting go of what blocks your heart," writes Robert Holden, author of Success Intelligence.

In my on-going search for the best use of my talents, I have recently decided to offer a retreat for women called "Heart's Rest, The Power of Doing Nothing". My heart and soul have been telling me ever since I hit menopause that writing poetry and trying to get published in a literary environment was no longer fulfilling me. But I wasn't sure of the next step.

Today, I visited a new Yoga Space, called H-OM, near Montreal. Standing there in the middle of the wooden floor, basking in the reflective colours of red-orange on the walls (my favourite colour), I whispered to myself, This is what I want to do. This is where I want to be.

I am not a yoga teacher, nor do I want to be one. But I fervently want and need to rest, to create space for my heart and soul, to stretch and move my body to inspiring music, and do writing exercises that allow me to reach inside to where my authentic self lies and dialogue with me. And to share this with other women needing the same thing.

So, the path widens, or at least becomes a little clearer. I am finding Home.

There is one home, of course, that I carry with me, within me, and every time I flounder and look for direction, I can use the homing device that's built in to find my way back. To ground myself, get centered, find the comfort of peace inside. But to know what and where I want to manifest that peaceful feeling in the world is a big peace of my mid-life puzzle. It's all coming into place, and I remind myself once again, I am OK. I have everything I need.

It seems that little steps are all that is asked of me, or all that I ask of myself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stop and rest by the side of the path anytime I am confused. Sleep in, take a nap, trust that the path unfolding is the right one. That if my heart and mind are aligned, and my body is well taken care of, and the compass points towards Home, all is well.

My path is not in striving, nor in pushing myself harder towards some semblance of 'success'. The success I am looking for is the one that smacks of comfort, of being here now, of acceptance of myself exactly how I am in this moment. I am not a high diver, I am not an adventurous person or risk taker, but I can take small risks - small steps into the Unknown, and make success from the heart real.

Making the Unknown Known, my mission.

nameste,
jenn

Power of the Cycle - the power of doing nothing

How do you get in touch with the power of the cycle?
(Power in the sense of taking charge of one's life and asserting oneself)

Getting in touch with the power of menstruation mainly comes from what you don't do, according to Alexandra Pope, author of The Wild Genie.

We are used to struggling, setting goals, being heroines, but in this case, we must face into what we experience and embody it. "If you are willing to court the rhythmical life of your body you are given access to something Other than happens naturally. And the very act of courting the inner life of your body itself builds an inner sweetness, surety and dignity - a spirit of sovereign authority that is priceless." From The Woman's Quest, Alexandra Pope.

Sounds good, you say, how do I do that? It's mostly about slowing down, practicing surrender, and paying attention to your cycle by keeping track of it in a journal.

It's much easier to pop a painkiller, but menstruation is not supposed to hurt! I have heard this from many sources, and yesterday my homeopath said the same thing. If it hurts, it's a signal you need to pay attention to.

Pope uses 13 allies in her Quest workbook to help women get in touch with their reality around the cycle. Remember, this is technique-less, so there is nothing to 'do', just alot to be learned by observation and stillness, staying close to your center.

When I had aching menstrual cycles, the best advice I ever received was to go into the pain, feel my way into the belly, not try and escape it or deny it. For me, the best place on the first day was in my bed, with a hot water bottle, or warm comforter, and sleep. And feeling my way, meant I exited on the other side, feeling less achey, less fearful and tense.

"A deep process of awareness, the first task is to get to know your cycle." This is also useful for contraception purposes - you need to know when you ovulate and when you menstruate, and believe it or not, the first calendars were invented by women for this very purpose.

It feels empowering to know where you are in your cycle, and if you look up at the moon, you will discover how close you are to a pattern of fullness, waning and waxing in the universe. you will begin to recognize the shifts of mood and feeling, see the patterns in your dream life, and also, by charting your cycle, says Pope, you build self-acceptance and an intimacy with yourself over time.

Women have ignored, denied, and bullied their way through the menstrual time for hundreds, if not thousands of years, due to the denigration and fear of female processes by men. It is more than time that we reclaim this power, this unique connecton to our inner healing and physical healing.

"Allow yourself a dose of the thirteen allies - silence, solitude, stillness, surrender, simplicity, slowness, softness, self-interest, serenity, sanctuary, sacred, support and sleep however small, as you come into and during menstruation." And if you want to learn more, check out http://www.wildgenie.com/ for more information on this workbook.

top of the morning to you,
musemother

Descent into Menopause

For any of you interested in a Jungian approach to menopause, I recommend reading Descent to the Goddess, A way of Initiation for Women, by Sylvia Brinton Perera. She analyzes the myth of Inanna, (before Ishtar, middle-eastern) in psychological terms, and describes it as a story of modern woman's quest for wholeness. Her theory is that we who are 'daughters of the father', well adapted to a masculine world, have repudiated or repressed our full feminine instincts and energies. And that in this 'stripping down' or descent to the underworld, we find healing.

The story of Inanna is a fascinating on its own, as it is the oldest written myth (on clay tablets) of a feminine divine power, known as Queen of Heaven and Earth in ancient Sumer (5,000 years ago.)

I read this book through the worst year of my peri-menopausal descent, which I described to myself as the 'bug soup' stage, when the feeling of melt-down, loss of power and energy, mild depression, weeping, and general upside-downness, took over.

Here is a short excerpt from the book:

"The basis of women's experience of childbearing and of all blood mysteries that create and maintain life is that Nothing changes or grows without the food or some other sacrifice. ....
the myth of Inanna's descent and return is centered on this archetype of exchanging energy though sacrifice. ...She needs to sacrifice her dependence on the patriarchal gods to find her true home in the feminine ground of being.

"What I have seen in myself and other women who are successful daughters of the collective, often unmothered daughters of the animus and the patriarchy, is that we suffer a basic fault. We do not have an adequate sense of our own ground nor connection to our own embodied strength and needs adequate to provide is with a resilient feminine, balanced yin-yang processual ego.

...there is a deep split, maintained by loyalty to super-ego ideals that no longer function to enhance life, a loyalty that keeps the ego alienated from reality....thus we need to undergo a descent to the underworld levels of the dark goddess (Erishkigal), back to ourselves before we had the form we know, back to the magic and archaic levels of consciousness ...back to the body-mind and the preverbal tomb-womb states, searching back to the deep feminine, the 'dual mother' Jung writes about.

On the way down we shed the identifications with and the defences against the animus, introverting to initially humiliating and devastating but ultimately safe, primal levels. (awaiting rebirth). ...We feel as if the old meanings are loosened, as if we are suspended out of life, without energy.

What helps: "Creative improvisions, touching, holding, sounding and singing, silence, breathing, nonverbal actions like drawing, sandplay, building with clay or blocks, dancing, ... maternally nurturant and companioning behavior....

the descent to the earth, the darkness is the yin way. Like Inanna, we must submit, going into the deep, to allow the transformative mystery to take place."

Wow, I know, this is heavy stuff, and written in Jungian jargon. However, read between the lines. Some of us have some deep healing to do, some of us can benefit from therapy, and some of us just need to loosen up and play more. Less book knowledge and more body knowledge. Less ego ideals and more feeling ideals. Less 'overarching boss of everything' mode, and more 'tend and befriend' mode.

This is just a hint of what the transformative process is like. It's not everybody's journey, but enough of the women I know have been through burn-out, depression, divorce and major health challenges in their mid-40's, for me to recognize the truth of this part of the journey. For me, it started just before my father died, and it's taken me from age 47 to 52 (about 5 years), to come up for air. But now, I feel the cocoon splitting open, and my damp wings are scintillating in the sun. My energy has returned, and I feel closer to the Queen of Heaven, than to the Queen of the Underworld.

have a compassionate self-care day,
and write me if this passage speaks to you,
musemother

Self Care for Menopausal Babes

If you are menopausal or peri-menopausal, as so many of my friends and acquaintances are realizing they are, you have been or will soon be confronted by some form of fatigue - either from insomnia, night sweats or nurturer burn-out. Perhaps you are working as a teacher, nurse, secretary or in some other helping profession. Perhaps you have full-time work at home, or perhaps you have an ailing parent you are caring for as well as your children.

The most important Mother's Week (I've just extended it from one day to one week!) message is the one I received in my in-box this morning from Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom and Mother-Daughter Wisdom. I think it's so important I'm passing along an excerpt to you:

"One of the biggest challenges women face is learning how to care for themselves while caring for others. It requires a delicate balance between what often feels like polar opposites. I’ve spent a lifetime studying self-care. And I’ve come to the conclusion that good self-care is the single most important aspect of our health, period. The programming of self-sacrifice leads ultimately to health-destroying sentiments, such as guilt, resentment, anger, and other emotions linked to high levels of stress hormones. Self-sacrifice feels wrong to us on a soul level—our spirit gravitates naturally to joy and happiness. That’s why self-sacrifice ultimately makes us sick and keeps us stuck in dead-end situations."
Dr. Christiane Northrup's e-health newsletter excerpt

Unforunately some of us have been programmed to be good girls, and give selflessly to others without thinking about ourselves. Sometimes it takes a major health challenge, like burn-out or chronic fatigue syndrome or breast cancer, to make us stop and take a look at how we are emptying our feminine container, giving our energy away, and losing our joy.

My wake-up call was a broken leg, and a small cyst in my left breast (which turned out to be filled with a thick creamy substance!) The message took me a while to figure out - but while I was lying in bed with a cast, I had time to think and reflect. I also had time to listen to how my husband was dealing with a busy household, and time to talk with him in the evening about my feelings. I learned I had to speak up and ask for what I wanted (help with kids, help in household), especially in the sensitive area of sexual pleasure. I learned a lot of things.

I learned I was not superwoman, and could not do it all alone.

I learned that nobody else wanted me to be self-sacrificing anyway.

I learned through therapy (after my father passed away and more emotions came up) that I had always felt I wasn't 'enough', not good enough, not pretty enough, etc. And that I overworked myself out of needing to feel worthy. I had a hard time saying no to volunteer jobs for instance, especially if they had a nice title attached like 'coordinator' or 'vice-president'. My self-worth was lower than I imagined. And I was keeping myself too busy to wonder why I felt depressed, stressed and over-extended.

It's a long slow process towards self-honesty, and learning to be true to myself. On the road, I am learning how making myself invulnerable cuts me off from feeling close to people. How controlling others is a technique that used to work for me in my dysfunctional childhood home, but how it doesn't work with my own family now. How pushing myself beyond my comfortable limits makes me end up going over the edge and useless to those who rely on me.

Self-care involves dumping a lot of old baggage that doesn't serve me anymore. Guilt, resentment, anger and stress were making me a very cranky person. That's not the woman I want to be. Menopause has been a gift for me, in that it has forced me to pause and reflect, and dig deep. In that descent into murky waters, I have found some healing. I have begun to accept myself, know my limits better.

I hope you will not wait until something breaks. Heed the warning signs, the tension in your neck and shoulders, the explosive anger and PMS, the extreme fatigue and insomnia, and take action. Slow down. Be kinder to yourself, and that will increase your capacity for kindness to others. If you lose yourself, or your health, you can't help anyone anyway.

One way you can do this is to be mindful of your own body rhythms. See the Women's Wisdom blog (link on the left) for Seven Tips for body guidance.

Keep it simple, and find your joy :)
musemother