Mid-Life Lessons

SoulCollage(R) card: Ready to Blow!

Some people associate mid-life with their forties, but menopause doesn't hit some women until their mid-fifties, and that is one of the great disruptors, along with divorce, illness, death of a loved one, end of a career, and empty nest.

Sometimes the G-force of mid-life changes flattens you back up against your seat like on a Roller coaster. You lose a friend to breast cancer, a parent dies, your children turn into strangers in their teens, and you begin to feel as fragile as a one-winged butterfly blown in the wind. You, who were the strong one, the stable influence, the core and heartbeat of the family, the one who held it all together, begin to feel like you are falling part.

As I wrote in my book The Tao of Turning Fifty, the greatest lessons I learned (and am still learning at age 64), are these:

• you cannot do it all alone - ask for help and release the Superwoman Syndrome
• you are allowed to rest, take naps, take a break to breathe, Pause often and do Nothing
• surrender, stop fighting the current
• stillness and solitude are great allies - book some time to Get Away!
• girlfriends who can listen to your rants and angst are a great Boost, cherish them
• tell your husband and your family that this temporary insanity will end and to be extra patient with you, as you swing high and low. Get them to help out and expect them to pitch in!

I know for me, my shoulders were carrying the burden of taking care of everyone and doing it all myself. As the eldest in a family of eight, I had been brought up to be the One in Charge, responsible and dutiful. It was very hard for me to soften the reins, loosen my grip, and ask for help when I needed it. Sore aching shoulders, (calcific bursitis) lead me to get some TLC and extra massages, which was a real boon. I was so used to Soldiering On, despite the pain, but I was forced to give in and get help.

That is why I am writing this message for you, mid-life women, today. You don't have to do it all alone. Grant yourself a prescription for loving kindness, small little ways to reduce the load and love yourself at the same time.

Namaste!

Jennifer

ps see my website for information on the upcoming one-day workshop Body Love In a Dangerous Time, with SoulCollage(R), and journaling exercises to help you love your body and soul!

SoulCollage(R) card: Angel Blesses my Belly

My Body is not a Danger zone

Body Love in a Dangerous Time

“What is your truth? Ask your heart, your back, your bones, and your dreams. Listen to that truth with your whole body. Understand that this truth will destroy no one and that you’re too old to be sent to your room.” ~John Lee, Writing from the Body

There is a war on Feminine Flesh. Do you know that song sung by the Bare Naked Ladies, Lovers in a dangerous time? These feel like dangerous times for women’s bodies. The worst part is that the assault comes from within us, not just from men in power, or from magazines, news, TV and video. Inside of ourselves there is a war going on against female cycles, female flesh. We either have too much or not enough. We look in the mirror and hate what we see. (I know as my pot belly gets bigger that this is an issue for me, that buying bigger pants will only partly solve!) In spite of the great consciousness awareness surrounding abuse and disrespect coming out of the #metoo movement, in 2018 it is still difficult for women to feel love and accept their own female bodies, just the way they are.

None of us seems to be happy with our shape, or our hair, (if it’s curly you want it straightened, if it’s straight you spend hours curling it); our body size, our legs or sagging arm flesh, or our boobs heading south as we hit menopause.  This gets harder as we get older, as our aging bodies go through even more changes (why can’t I get rid of that last 10 lbs as I enter my mid-sixties?) and all this self hatred and judgement has lead to a boom in cosmetic surgery and diet crazes.

But I think it’s not just about bodies' aging. An awful lot of young girls and women feel anxious about their bodies, and it starts at a young age. My daughter, at age 8 came home from school one day to tell me she had a big tummy. Her friends were starting to criticize their bodies already!  It starts with anxiety about being “perfect” – all the celebrity images prime us for self-criticism - looking through a big pile of magazines recently, I could not find any positive images of women over size 6. They were all super thin, slim, and gorgeous or a few of the opposite – extremely overweight and unhealthy – where is the middle ground? Where are the images of women who fit somewhere in the middle, who look like you or I?

These ridiculously strict standards cause serious restrictions on our self-image, our self love and our  freedom: we’re hit from all sides - from the fashion  and cosmetic industry, even at the local parents’ committee, there are  body police everywhere, measuring us up, judging us on our weight gain (or loss), our clothing size, hair colour, how much cellulite we have, and offering the best surgery or botox to correct our imperfections….the harsh criticism from self and others never ends.

Food is no longer about nourishment. We are constantly monitoring our hunger, our food intake, counting calories, working out to lose the bag of chips we just ate, punishing and rewarding ourselves for lack of effort or sticking to the diet and exercise plan, hating ourselves in the mirror. I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to look and feel our best – but we go to extremes - either obsessing about it or we numbing ourselves with cookies, ice cream or alcohol.  We have learned to disconnect from our bodies, from our intuitive knowing, and from our feelings.

Which ever way you look at it, there has been a long history of conflict surrounding women’s bodies, all the way back to Eve. Our bodies, our cycles and our sexuality have been banned and sent underground for so long, either seen as depravity and evil or simply banned and nonexistent, ignored by generations of women too traumatized to know differently. We have lost our collective memory, the knowledge that used to be passed down from mothers, aunts and sisters to their younger daughters, nieces and sisters. The once sacred women’s rites around the menstrual cycle and childbirth for example became suspect and connected to witchcraft, and thousands of women were burned, drowned or hung. There are many hundreds of years of history behind our relationship with our feminine nature, our bodies and our intuition.

I think it's time to declare a truce on the war with our body. What if we picked one small part of our body to reclaim and love back to a healthy relationship? We may not be able to transform our attitude overnight, but we can take little steps, one body part at a time. What if we actually began to feel worthy and deserving of self-love? 

What is Women’s Wisdom? We can only counter the negative baggage by beginning with ourselves, with loving our bodies, one part at a time. Embodied living means learning to live consciously, in touch with our inner guidance through our thoughts, emotions, dreams, and with acceptance of the feelings in our body. It means believing that our bodies are able to receive and transmit energy and information. We can begin to develop our intuition, our feminine wisdom.

Because I need to heal my relationship and begin listening to my body too, I am offering a women's one-day workshop called Body Love in a Dangerous Time. We will start by re-establishing some open communication with our bodies, by looking at one small part, acknowledging it, listening to it and dialoguing with it in our journals, in a judgement free zone of lovingkindness. 

That’s where we begin, and then in the afternoon we’ll make a SoulCollage(R) card for a body part we want to improve our relationship with, or send some love to. SoulCollage(R) is a nourishing, expressive art form that uses images, intuition and imagination to make small 5 x 8 collages that reflect inner parts, emotions, archetypes and energies. (www.soulcollage.com) 

We’ll also spend some time breathing deeply and relaxing, finding and releasing areas of tension, and inviting in a sense of self-love, gratitude and wonderment at the beautiful beings we are.  We will take baby steps to feel good about our body parts, and infuse them with love and attention.

We will baby ourselves, ladies, we will love ourselves like we would love a precious child and make a start at healing the disconnect.

The Church says: the body is a sin.

Science says: the body is a machine.

Advertising says: The body is a business.

The Body says: I am a fiesta.”  ~Eduardo Galeano, Walking Words

much love to your on your journey
Jennifer
more information, times, date, cost at www.jenniferboire.com 

30 Day Soulful Self-Care challenge

I started the 30 day challenge on my birthday, Nov 4. Turning 60 last year has made me very aware of the importance of self-care, and it is a challenge because I let everything else come first.

Why is it that women (and especially since I'm a mother, so mothers) have such a hard time putting ourselves on the list?

I intend to experiment with doing something small, practical and doable every day for 30 days to feed my soul, improve my health, or otherwise practice some loving self-care.

Once I see what works for me, I can share it with you too.

If you want to follow along, day by day, see the Creative Soulful Woman Facebook page, where I will post photos and notes of this special, soulful self-care experiment. https://www.facebook.com/Creative-Soulful-Woman-937135933019599/?ref=hl

If you want to join me, then drop me a note or make a comment about what you are doing to take good care of yourself - even if it's as small as pausing before eating to say thanks, writing in your journal for 10 minutes, taking a walk in the fresh air and filling up your inner well with kindness.

Namaste,
Jennifer
www.jenniferboire.com

On Being Selfish, and Mothering Myself

I am reading a book about daughters who feel unmothered (for whatever reason, losing a mother, neglectful or absent mother, narcissistic and over critical mother). Will I Ever Be good Enough, by Karyl McBride. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/dr-karyls-blog/ 

It helps explain why I have never felt ‘good enough,’ why I keep so busy, and why it feels selfish to take time for me. So I wondered, if I could invent a kind, supportive mother for myself, what would she be like?

My ideal supportive female guide would listen to my worries, soothe my brow with a calm hand. She says, there, there. It’s all right. Don’t sweat the small things –even the big things are out of your control. Stop worrying about your grown kids.

She encourages me in my creative projects, tells me I deserve a morning off to just muse, write, listen to soothing music at least once a week. You deserve more playtime – sunshine and walks outside. You are allowed to enjoy your life –supper with your husband, watching Hercule Poirot movies, snuggling on the couch with dark chocolate and a bowl of popcorn. You can breathe into meditation and yoga every morning because you love to do that. You can pour rose scented Epsom salts in a bath and soak your tense muscles. Lie down and rest for 30 minutes in the afternoon.

When I’m sick, she brings me bowls of hot broth and tea, soft Kleenex. She reminds me not to eat fatty stuff when I’m sick, just dry crackers. She reminds me of my mom when I was little.

Yes, I did have a loving, caring mother, but mid-way through my childhood, she became overwhelmed with caring for a house of children, and alcoholic. She counted on me and my sister to help cook, clean and organize laundry. She tried to check out of her life when I was sixteen. Then went into rehab.

I was a good daughter, up to a point. Around age 15 I began to act out (it was the 70’s, what didn't we do!). We dared our mothers to discover our trespasses. They surely would have reined us in if they knew the half of it.

In the last year of my twenties, I fell in love, got married, went back to school, and got pregnant, in that order. Writing poetry and becoming a mother pushed me back into healing the mother wound. In my first book, Little Mother, I poured out my nostalgia, and my distress at an imperfect childhood. It became an exploration of the dark and light side of motherhood. I loved my kids passionately and yet needed time alone to write. I felt split down the middle.

Fast forward to menopause – the grand awakening to self-care. The therapist I went to see for anger management issues said, you have to learn to be more selfish. The very word was anathema to me. I felt useful doing volunteer work. I guess I had a strong good girl streak. But when I broke my leg skiing one year, something else broke down. The capable superwoman cracked. I could not take care of everyone if I didn't take care of me. My body was hurting, my shoulders ached. I kept taking on too many projects and responsibilities, trying to find my self-worth. I wanted to get out of the house, and my therapist suggested I teach at the women’s center.  

So I began. In the middle of my menopausal journey, I began to teach what I needed to learn. How to be selfish, how to carve space and time for my creative side, for my own sanity. How to ask for help. How to honour my need for time alone, and soothe the restlessness.

At menopause, the rocky road to healing began. I learned to mother myself. If I was tired, I took naps. If I was sad, I sat in the bathtub and wailed. If I was hungry before meals, I ate snacks. I was not very good at this, often blowing up at suppertime. The kids would say, eat something mom, you’re cranky.

Finally, my two kids were grown. I had mothered them sufficiently, taught them a few useful things about laundry and cooking. They both chose to go to school away from home. I had the quiet house to myself, my sanctuary, so I began to lead retreats and classes from home. Slowly my class has grown from five women four years ago to eleven in two classes this session.  I am still teaching exercises for discovering what you want to do with your life, what you love, what you would do if it weren't selfish.

I have to thank my therapist, Fani, for teaching me that I needed to be more selfish. And Jennifer Louden for her Woman’s Comfort Book http://jenniferlouden.com/ which helped me create a self-nurturing voice. Dr Christiane Northrup’s books on menopause and women’s wisdom http://www.drnorthrup.com/and Joan Borysenko http://www.joanborysenko.com/ for her wisdom about transition times and burn-out. I have many teachers and mentors, but long ago, Prem Rawat  http://www.premrawat.com/ showed me an inner practice that is my root, my anchor, how to find stillness in my center.

For all the teachings, and the journey so far, I am truly grateful.

xxxx

Musemother

ps I also want to thank my mom, for being there.

Journal questions for you:

If I could relax and let go, what would I do just for fun?

If I could let go into joy, receive creative joy, what would I do?

If it weren’t selfish, what would I love to do?

Losing mojo and finding your jomo

Have you had your fill of holidays yet? I have just had two gloriously quiet days without travel or parties, and I begin to feel like my normal, calm self for the first time. 

Here's how it went for me between Dec 20 and 27: tired and stressed after a week of Christmas parties, travelling to join 20 family members, cooking, shopping and going to bed past midnight with liberal amounts of imbibing, I lay in my darkened room two days ago and tried to summon the energy to envision my goals for 2014. I was thinking about the book I need to promote, classes to prepare, lectures and retreats to imagine, but nothing new or creative was coming to me. It felt like I had lost my mojo.

I always forget in times like these that the simplest solution is close at hand –  what restores me is usually not anywhere far away, but right here. So I lit a candle, put on some soothing music, drew a hot bath, and afterwards got out my drawing pad and coloured crayons. Voila! The mood switched from lost mojo to finding jomo. (I just learned this little acronym for Joy of Missing Out.) You too can find the joy of withdrawing from too-much activity (and not feeling like you're missing out) especially if it’s still a holiday for you, by exploring the power of doing nothing.

Doing nothing in my case, usually means doing something simple like stretching into a yoga pose, listening to Zen flute music, getting out my journal to write; in other words, it’s not nothing, but it’s no thing that serves any other purpose than just fine tuning my soul. It isn’t productive in the normal sense of serving others or getting ‘things’ on my list done. So it feels like I’m doing nothing.

Really what I am accomplishing is very valuable and healing. I am resetting my inner compass. I am setting my inner clock to my body’s rhythm, my  need for quiet and peace after a hectic week. I purposefully create some sacred space to muse in, to reconnect with my heart, which has become unplugged due to over activity and the extreme sport of mothering (meaning, Overarching Boss of Everything just took over). This usually happens when my grown kids arrive back home for the holidays, or when the house is full of family and friends and I'm busy preparing meals. I begin to see a pattern….

I am not indispensable, however, and so I told my husband (who was at home that day too), that the bedroom was becoming my retreat space and out of bounds for a few hours. He took the hint and ran himself a hot bath. Ah, my good intentions are rubbing off on him too. I also knew my 20-somethings could fend for themselves in the kitchen, and no one would starve for one day.

Speaking of good intentions, part of my conundrum and lost mojo was thinking that since it’s the new year I should be stating some goals, envisioning a plan, putting action items on my year’s to do list. But this felt too heavy to even contemplate. I was tired, burned-out from all that ‘doing’, and my brain felt too sore to envision anything beyond a nap.

So I did take a long nap just before dusk, and put off the envisioning to another day. Later,  while on Facebook, I discovered a quote that reaffirmed the power of listening in gently to where life leads us (plus I threw my own SoulCollage card reading, and the message was, Surrender to a Higher power, trust and let go….so I decided to follow that sage advice). 

"It's far more creative to work with the idea of mindfulness rather than the idea of will. Too often people try to change their lives by using the will as a kind of hammer to beat their life into proper shape. The intellect identifies the goal of the program, and the will accordingly forces the life into that shape. This way of approaching the sacredness of one's own presence is externalist and violent. It brings you falsely outside yourself, and you can spend years lost in the wilderness of your own mechanical, spiritual programs. You can perish in a famine of 

your own making.

If you work with a different rhythm you will come easily and naturally home to yourself. The soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey."   by John O'Donohue, Anam Cara 

SoulCollage card: Mercy and Compassion

Let yourself enter 2014 gently, without forcing your life into some preconceived shape. Allow your soul to guide you with its inner GPS. In other words, listen in to your wise inner self.

Happy End of 2013, and beginning of 2014, Year of the Compassionate Horse. May it bring kindness and contentment to you.

xxxxxooooo

Musemother

Self-Care at Menopause

If you are in the throes of menopause and have spent any time browsing the web, you know that there are many sites proclaiming to have the answer : progesterone cream, hormonal treatments, natural supplements, wicking pyjamas, all kinds of products.  I just did a quick tour of the some of Top 30 Menopause Blogs and came away dizzy with the array. They make it sound like menopause is a disease!

What is different with my approach is that I believe self-awareness is key. Yes, you may need to change doctors if yours doesn't believe that you are in perimenopause at age 46 and that you are too young! and yes, herbal remedies and homeopathy got me through my six year perimenopausal journey - motherwort for anxiety and red clover for hot flashes. But the midlife transition for me was not so much a physical event as a major emotional upheaval. It was more of a quest for self, actually.

I was impatient, irritable and flew off the handle easily. Was it triggered by hormones? was it the fact that my kids had hit puberty and were cranky cavemen and self-centered fashionistas? Perhaps we were all a little wonky due to hormones. My poor husband! But really, instead of putting myself away in a straitjacket, the best solution was to get the self-care I needed. Part of that included talk therapy, reiki treatments, massage and getting away on weekend retreats to feed my need for alone time.

In fact, getting away and having time alone to think was very helpful. I did not want my family to suffer from my outbursts, and I recognized that I needed more time alone. Being a writer, there is always a conflict between solitary writing time and taking care of meals, laundry, house management time. Buying an older house and renovating it completely, top to bottom, probably added to my stress level too. But in having the courage to face the down times and the feeling like I'm going crazy times (and in having wonderful girlfriend to cry on their shoulder with), and in journaling my journey, I got through it.

It all seems in the distant past now, my kids have recently left home for university in different cities, so my creative time is all mine. In the last two years, I have discovered that working with other women in facilitating workshops and retreats is fulfilling me much more than sitting in my little office writing. I think the journey through our forties and fifties is a huge wake-up call for self-care, for discovering what we love, for seeking and finding our authentic selves. We stop being able to play the game, or fulfilling the surface roles society demands of us. We need to feel connected to our heart's desires, and something deep inside keeps bugging us until we pay attention.

It may take some digging, some writing, some researching and reflecting, but it's worth it. Take the time, and make the time for you. Make finding yourself and your happiness an item on your agenda. Stop burning the candle at both ends in working late and ignoring your needs for regular meals and sleep. Your menopause will be smoother if you slow down and take care of your needs.

take care now
Jenn/Musemother
www.jenniferboire.com

Soul Food (and Chocolate) for the Woman's Heart

http://www.itimes.com/files/blogfiles/184708/karate-bradley-stressed-out.jpg

Soul food for the hungry woman’s heart

It's Valentine's Day and High Time you reclaimed your spiritual Mojo ! Give yourself some long overdue self-love and attention by following these tips:

The biggest Mojo killer is Stress. So what can you do to de-stress? Dr Susan Mertz Anderson says stress is just a thought, it doesn't come from circumstances, which is an interesting way of looking at things. Stop taking those thoughts so seriously (it only leads to anxiety). Change your focus by learning how to breathe for calm, to center and ground yourself.

Three part breath: breathe in the for count of four or five, hold the breath for the same count, then exhale for four or five. Just a few moments of this calm breathing will remove 90% of your stress.

One of the reasons we get stressed is cause we say yes when we mean No. Learn how to stand your ground and not be such a push over.  Simplify your life – say no, more. Shake the 'should's....it's your shoulders that will feel lighter.

On top of this, it's stressful trying to please other people: we want to perform well for our bosses, or be perfect hostesses, perfect friends, perfectly dressed fashionistas; we each have our little areas of weakness where we compare ourselves to someone more 'perfect'. Stop making yourself miserable with comparisons.  Repeat after me: I am fabulous and flawed!

A great de-stresser: clear and declutter the mind – write in your journal - get it all out on paper. What's really driving me crazy is.....then let it rip.

Unplug and give yourself permission to turn off the blackberry, email, or cell phone during lunch or after you get home. Your brain will be less overwhelmed if you give yourself a breather at some point in the day. Take a walk at lunchtime, force yourself to leave the desk (home office too!).  Forget about work for a while, recharge and refresh your batteries with some oxygen.

Know your limits, you are not a machine; honour how you feel and practice self-compassion. Knowing how to avoid stress builds health.

Now for rebuilding that spiritual Mojo, grab a piece of some 80% dark chocolate and make yourself a list:

What is working for you? What feeds you? What drains you? Take stock of your life. Where is good energy coming in, and where is all your energy going out, with no return?

What did you used to love to do? When was the last time you did it? It's time you got out there to shake your booty again, whether by hiking, skiing, skating, dancing - bust out those Latin moves and salsa, zumba, cha cha cha. Even better, find a friend to join you.

If you have a creative streak that has been languishing on the back burner, it's time to mother the creative fire in you. You know that the eggs are growing in darkness where you planted them; but they might not end up seeing the light of day unless they feel the sun’s warmth. How can you nourish the invisible birthing being prepared? What keeps your creative fire humming? soft music, a wide blue sky, reading poetry? It's your turn to create now, the world is waiting for your unique voice or splash of colour, so bring forth your creation into the world - make the unknown known!

Here are some affirmations for nourishing your spirit:

Today I give myself permission to go at the pace of my breathing, and not push the river....

I am a co-creator with the creator.

I let go and trust the creative process. 

I love my life!

Now you can eat that chocolate :)

namaste

Musemother

ps If you want to really get your chocoholic moving, try IKOVE acai and chocolate face cream, organic botanicals that smell like chocolate, great for your face, easy on your figure.http://www.ikove.com/

Journaling and Self-Care

There are so many benefits of journaling, but one of the main things it gives me is a sounding board for how I feel. It's a place to check in and do a quick scan - mood, physical body, spirit health, sense of presence, absence.

Sometimes I write down my dreams first thing so I can remember them later and try and figure it out. Sometimes it's a huge Wah! to the universe - feeling stuck, confused, not sure how to get out of this one, no solutions in sight.

Mostly though, by the time I get to the bottom of the page, I've found something - a shift in mood, an answer to a question, a softening, a little more hope. Usually, I find it helps me take stock of where I am and what I need right now.

I also write affirmations - something I'm beginning to put more faith in. The more I read (all over the web, O Magazine, blogs) the more I hear about the neuroscience of positive thinking - using your words carefully to call to you more of what you love, what you want to receive. I am creative, I am loving, I am resourceful, I find answers to my challenges....

Someone on facebook recently admitted they had a swearing problem, and I know I do that usually in the car at other drivers, or when I stub my toe or bump a hip into the pointy part of the table (moving too fast around those corners). Then I read, that instead of cursing the other drivers, you should send them blessings, for the words you speak boomerang back to you. Since I need the patience and blessing of those around me, I think this is a good practice. Just another way to practice affirming my good...

I know how easy it is to let the inner critic take over, if you're not careful, and write yourself into a self-critical rut. Don't. Just back up, and start over. You can find something nice to say....and if you can't, if everything seems rotten and dumb and you've lost your mojo, reach out to your Inner coach, (imagine a best friend or make-one up) who would be totally non-judgmental and supportive, and let her respond to the critic - If you were your own best friend, what would you say? "I know you had one too many pieces of chocolate, Jennifer, and your scale is telling you that Super Bowl extravaganza of chili, chicken wings and Bavarian cream was too much of a good thing, but look - you got outside today and walked one extra kilometer in the sunshine!"

Make your journal a place to dialogue with that inner friend, or higher self, or Inner Wise Woman and fire the inner critic. Another way to do this, is to imagine you are eighty-five years old, looking back at the you of today - and write yourself a letter. You'll be surprised at how much wisdom you own already.

Take good care of your Self,
Musemother

Power of the Pause, intro

We live in a society that is obsessed with productivity and work. We have even banished the Sabbath or sacred rest day. We want material goods and professional success and we are willing to work like crazy to get it. But at what price?

Listen to the nerve-brain-Crunch of constantly being connected to twitter facebook instant messaging, texting, blackberry - crackberry..... The saying “we are all connected” is used in the Ecological movement as a metaphor for our need to take care of the planet and each other – but what we are more likely to be connected to is the super highway of Information on the internet and constant feeling of pressure, of 24/7 work and less play or down time. Increased access and speed of information coming to us increases our expectations of absolute productivity. Our response time has come down to immediate or instant, we have lost the impulse or the know-how to Pause and Rest – there is no more Sabbath, no ‘day off’ of our Instant Connection to Everything.

In the larger picture, all this 100% Connection to Information and all work no play, is the path to Burn-Out and Exhaustion. And that is what is worrisome.

Busy is the new "fine" - we are proud to be busy.

But the cost to our selves is high.

Stay tuned for more about The Power of the Pause, Lecture at Beaconsfield Library, Tuesday, February 8, 7:30 pm.
Jennifer

How a Good Night's Sleep can Change Everything

Monday I woke up feeling sick, so I slept in an extra hour, meditated lying down (risky, I know) to prevent dizziness, purposely didn't get on the computer until after a shower and time outside with my journal. I  did reply to a few emails and managed to get some laundry done, walk the dog, do groceries, but mostly it felt like a low-key go slow kind of day.  I even made some medicinal tea (soy bancha ginger) and quinoa flake porridge to heal the intestinal upset, and found the time to make a nice supper. 

The day went smoothly enoug, as I slowed down, took time to take care of myself.  I even had the energy to try out a new red wine/rose sauce for chicken in spite of my lack of appetite.  I just didn't push myself to 'get things done', and things happened at their own pace. I also lay for 20 minutes with my hubby's head in my arms at the end of the day, comforting him for a hard day - one of those where everything you do goes wrong - soothed his forehead, all the while thinking - because I took care of me today, I am in a healthy space to give out and take care of him.

I was in bed at 9:30 with a book, and slept deeply.

Then, bing, Tuesday morning I woke up and my energy was back. The headache and tummy ache were gone. I felt tons better.  Ready to sort out my daughter's messy room (while she's travelling in Europe), do more laundry (my son is a bit overwhelmed with the laundry baskets piling up, as he's working). I got an agenda going, replied to emails, and sat down to write in my journal, all before 10.00 a.m. 

Sometimes a good night's rest changes everything.

Also, when my heart is in a good space and I am gentle with myself, a healing presence is all I have to offer.  When I rush out every night, leave them to reheat a frozen dinner, they can survive, but the love is not the same as in a home-cooked meal lovingly prepared.

I still want to do that whenever I can (at least 3 or 4 nights out of 7). And teach them to prepare healthy meals as well, of course.

The value of a calm, centered caretaker in the home, whether male or female, cannot be underestimated.  I hope you dads at home that follow this blog will send me your own stories of how taking care of yourself helps you take care of your loved ones.

have a great day,
musemother

Kindness and compassion in mid-life

Kindness and compassion for myself? I'm good to myself, usually. I eat well, go to bed early, do yoga once a week, have even been known to get a massage once every six months....

A friend of mine, aged 49, consulted a woman who works with guides and angels for advice on her life. It was suggested that she needed to be kinder to herself. That left her perplexed. A therapist several years ago told me the same thing. It appears I was good at being strong, at carrying on, at taking on burdens that were not my own....at being responsible for everyone else except myself. Aching in the shoulders that was so bad I needed a heating pad to sleep at night was my first clue that I was carrying too much.

After working on the physical pain with physiotherapy, acupuncture and osteopathy, I began to untangle the emotional ingredients of my 'burden of responsibility'. My journey to healing through self-care has been a bit slow, but it is paying off. I am learning ways to be kind to myself, starting with getting the proper healing treatments. But mostly, I am working with the mind set that got me there.... a life time of perfectionism, and striving to be number one. (being eldest daughter in a family of eight, and 'little mother's helper' geared me up for it, and also striving to please my father with academic success). The trouble is, when I am harsh on myself, I am unforgiving with others close to me also.

How to undo the mind set? First off, I have tried to absorb the wisdom my therapist gave me in three little words. "I am enough". She questioned why I was giving away all my time to volunteer efforts and other people's projects and incapable of sticking to a creative project of my own. She made me look at how I strive to please others with 'good behavior', and constantly need outside approval. Five years later, I am still practising that mantra, I am enough, and still disengaging from too many volunteer projects. The feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed is often the product of saying Yes when I really mean NO.

How do I take care of myself? good question, and a good reminder to me to do something nice for me today. This week I asked my daughter to cook on a night when I wasn't going to have time before chorus rehearsal. I gave myself one morning off to do some creative loafing and dreaming with my journal. I went to bed at 9 pm one night after two nights late nights. I snuggled with my hubbie and watched a movie last night. He cooked me breakfast and made my cafe au lait this morning.....I want to book a pedicure this week to let my feet know I haven't forgotten about them. I tried a new yoga class and walked there in the sunshine. Oh yeah, and my women's circle brought me to an art class where I coloured with pastels and got in touch with my inner scribbler.

I know there is more I could do, affirmations to help me believe in myself, to attract joy in my life.

How can you be kinder to yourself today? this week? It may involve slowing down the pace, reducing your 'to do' list by only one or two items instead of trying to tackle the whole list. Or it may involve sitting down to eat a meal without interruptions, paying attention to the savouring and enjoyment of nourishing food.

Got a tip for mid-life women and self-care? leave a comment,
we can all benefit,

nameste,
musemother

Putting it off

I'm putting it off again. Even though the pain in my neck and right shoulder, the numbness in my left arm should be a strong hint.

I'm putting off taking care of me. My 'things to do list' is so important, it takes precedence over lunch, naps, filing my chipped nails, and walking the dog.

There's a driver inside of me, cracking the whip. Poor horsie, never runs fast enough.

Poor body, poor wee soul inside, shrinking from the sight of that whip, that taskmaster.

Grinding my teeth at night, and then I wake up with a sore jaw. Wondering, where is the release button? could I just please find it and press, so everything would relax?

I don't have a boss, it's unpaid labour I'm doing, mostly volunteer work, singing in a Christmas concert, organizing a women's circle, practising with my quartet, handling volunteer requests from two cities, lots of emails and phone calls and ....

somewhere, in the middle of all that busy-ness, I am become more concentrated on doing, and lose the being.

Sore shoulders stopped me once before - lead me off to acupunture treatments, physiotherapy, osteopathy, whatever would 'fix it'. At the time, I was walking two big dogs every day, and re-injuring my shoulder each time. Finally, the acupuncturist suggested I find someone else to walk the dogs, since the shoulder wasn't healing.

Duh!

Too much computer time, too eager to respond right away to all those important emails....leads to the sore neck, stiff shoulder syndrome.

I'm going to get off the computer right now, right after I check my emails again.....

have a great end of November post full-moon day,
jenn