Transitions: how to take care of your self when you hit a rough patch

When I hit a rough patch, I usually have two choices: to call on the Warrior, the get up and go survivor who keeps on keeping on, or to call on the Caretaker archetype, the soft, soothing one who wants to fall back into bed with a cozy blanket and have a nap.

I am a stubborn mix of both, Warrior and Caretaker.

It must stem from the way I was raised - I was brought up an army captain Dad, who was an engineer, a planner and builder,  a competitive guy who loved sports and worked hard.

He brought us out into the woods to chop down our own Christmas tree and if we complained our feet were cold he would encourage us to stamp our feet and clap our hands. He got us out the door (almost on time) every Sunday, to mass at 11:00 am  in spite of my mom’s dawdling or purposeful resistance to getting ready on time. He was a leader, a manager, a pusher and a striver. He got things done and he taught us to do the same – shine your shoes, iron your clothes, stand up straight, eat everything on your plate and don’t whine!

My dad would push me to compete in races even when I just knew my wee little legs wouldn’t go as fast on skates as the other kids. “I can’t” was my motto. Yet I loved winning at cards, and I was often left “in charge” of my younger siblings. He was my hero in spite of everything.

My mom was an alcoholic in recovery for most of my life, and as a young mother she was quickly overwhelmed by having eight kids in ten years, one after the other. She was a beautiful, bohemian spirit at heart who would have made a great writer or journalist but instead worked as a secretary and got married at age 21 (1953). She was brought up Catholic, so no birth control was allowed. She cried easily, used the fly swatter to keep us in line, but had a kind, generous heart, loved telling stories and at the bottom was a good caretaker, making us ginger ale and orange juice fizzy drinks when we had measles, mumps, scarlet fever, or chicken pox….imagine four little girls all sick at the same time, nestled in our bunkbeds with the blinds drawn, and her running up and down the narrow stairs in that 3-bedroom house in the country where the pipes froze often in winter. We lived there until I was twelve.

All that to say, I grew up a feminist in my teens, believing she was the weak one, seemingly pushed around by her stronger, bully husband. She was a homemaker, not a role model for me, not a ‘success’ in the outer world – yet, she is still here, a survivor at 89, and he died at 83….she, who can barely digest anything and weighs 90 lbs, has all kinds of health issues from depression to IBS and a heart valve, still smokes, and still survives.  Who am I to call her weak?

She was the one who sang to us, Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile. If we were feeling sorry for ourselves, or whimpering, she’d sing, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms.” We didn’t cry much in front of her. She grew up in the depression and lived through WWII so she learned a thing or two about Keeping On.

So I am definitely on the fence about how to treat myself in a rough patch - not sure how I feel about this self-compassion thing everybody touts in the yoga and Buddhist community. I am a big proponent of self-care, self-love, and kindness, theoretically. But is it self pity? If I'm truthful with myself, I have a harsh inner critic, nourished and watered from childhood by the belief in Strength, Courage, Soldiering On with the battle.  I hate whiners. Those who fail, are doomed. Those who give up, die. It’s like I am living with WWII forever in my head. The photos and articles on the 75^th anniversary of Auschwitz drum it in to us – to survive, you have to resist, you have to believe, you have to fight. Never surrender.

Warrior Courage with Cougar Protector

I’m lying in yoga class when this insight comes to me. I want to stay in assisted child-pose for another twenty minutes. I want restorative yoga, not strength building, ab-crunching plank pose. Yet, I also want that muscle strength so that when I do downward dog or sun salutation, I can lift myself with ease. 

Where is the middle ground, where I can be strong and soft at the same time? Without fear of collapsing like my mother into a depressive, hoarding mess, (she survives, but she lives in a very disorganized house), or becoming too strident and harsh, in army captain mode, pushing myself beyond my limits all the time, feeling overwhelmed and fatigued.

Caretaker Archetype

So that is my question this morning and I don’t have the answer. I do not want to fall into self-pity, but I also recognize the signs of frozen emotion and know that not allowing myself to cry is not the answer either.

As I lay there, tearing up in corpse pose, (the best recompense of a tough yoga class) the feeling of Presence overcame me. A feeling of a soft, loving power greater than me, a light inside, a feeling I cannot describe. In that moment, everything was ok. All was well. I wanted to stay there longer and soak it up.

Maybe that is the middle ground I seek.

When the struggle quiets down, when the noise in the head calms, when the body lies still. But now, class is over, it’s up and at em, ready to carry that Peace into my day, like a Peace Warrior fighting with calm, reminding myself to simply be Present, Curious, Aware, self-compassionate, and kind to others as well. Let the tears fall, too.

For we are all fighting a hard battle, inside – and we must be kind not only to others, but to ourselves.

namest,

jenn

Cultivating your Inner Spark in Winter

Recently I was looking at a photo of mine taken this summer for my website; and, oh how she glowed! Yes there was make-up and a hairdresser involved, plus sunshine and a little perspiration making my skin particularly shiny. I remember it was a very hot day for a photo shoot. So it’s unfair to compare it to my face mid-winter, pale skin, and bags under the eyes.

But I do find that on these dark gloomy days that I am missing some radiance, and need to find that sparkle in the eyes. How do I do that, I wondered, when it’s -20C outside and even my dog doesn’t want to walk very far....going down south is not an option for another month. What to do?

My resolve this year has been to muddle on through winter, especially January, when my body just wanted to curl up and sleep. I decided to do just that yesterday,  nap on the couch with a book instead of berating myself for not having any energy. It’s that time of year when you think you should be planning ahead, at least for this self-employed workshop leader, it’s a good time to plan my year. However, my creative mojo was way down in the basement, and pulling up my socks was not helping.

SoulCollage(R) card: Seeking words

I realized my energy needed more pumping up or plumping up, like a duvet cushion that needs a good shake and thump. So I decided to attend yoga class more often – bump it up to twice a week and also hired a personal trainer to get me started with some cardio and stretching.  I vowed to stick to my small daily practices that I know work.

For me this means sitting down to meditate every morning, first thing, while it’s still dark. Breathing into the silent mantra of breath: rest, silence, breathing. Such a sweet (and sometimes challenging) practice that fills me up from the inside.  The benefit is immediate, and leads me to appreciate and be grateful instead of listening to the overactive whiney, critical voice. This morning in my restorative yoga class the teacher had us do a few heart opening poses, and hip openers, lying back on a bolster, breathing pranayama style, 4 counts in, 4 counts out. I looked at myself in the mirror once I got home, and I am feeling calm, less frazzled than yesterday.

SoulCollage(R) card Tasting the New

Beauty flows from energetic presence, the Yoga Journal article I’m reading says. And I believe. All of a sudden I have patience. I can give attention to my work, to my dog, to my friends in need. I have energy to share. Last week, I was a muddled mess of confusion. But after sleeping in, napping and eating lots of home-made chicken soup and slow simmered stews, pampering myself with good vibes and yoga, I am slowly coming out of that swamp of emptiness into a pool of fullness again. Soothing oils in a diffuser  like frankincense, lavender and rose also help me feel good and keep the cold bugs away....

It is true that building energy with quiet, calming practices like Creative Flow helps fill the well too. When I am really unable to work, plan or think, I head to my collage table where all my supplies are laid out: images, glue, cardboard. It helps that in an on-line class we had a vision board project to make, and that deadline got me moving. But before the vision could come, I needed to plump up the heart energy with some rest.  

What do you do to find your inner spark?

A Particle of the Divine

Prayer for a Questioning Heart

May your journey
through the questions of life
bring you to a new moment of awareness.
May it be
and enlightening one.
May you find
embedded in the wisdom
of the past,
like all the students
of life before you,
the answers
you yourself
are seeking
now.
May they waken
that in you which is
deeper than fact,
truer than fiction,
full of faith.
May you come to know
that in every
human event
is a particle of the Divine
to which we turn

--- Joan Chittister

After reading a Facebook post on whether the goddesses in mythology are too ‘feminine’, I wondered, is the divine feminine? Then I found the poem above, and wrote this in my journal this morning.

I have felt the divine as a lover, as a Mother, as a Father, as a Friend, as a soft invisible Presence, as a singing silence in my inner ear, and a flutter in the ribcage of my heart. I have not imagined it as He or She in a really long time (except as manifest in certain teachers who have taught me how to center and be still). I am of the school of no religion, no symbols needed to feel or experience something real, the Radiant Mystery – not a belief, but a felt contact. Unseen, but felt in the heart. Unknown but inhabiting my presence. Untouched but moving within the boundaries of my body awareness, and beyond.

When I call out, I am answered. When I ask for help, I am guided from within and without (sometimes by a song on the radio, a chance encounter). Serendipity, synchronicity and alignment with objects, schedules, and people abound. When I am trusting and relying on being grateful, aware and conscious, all things flow towards me. When I trip, fall, bump into furniture, cut a finger or burn my arm, miss a meeting, lose patience, hurt a friend, I am reminded to come back into presence. It is a learning flow, always a teaching moment available, if I am on that wavelength. I am not always.

SoulCollage(R) Card: DizzyTizzy Self

Probably because I am enamoured of speed, of getting things done quickly, of flitting in and out of Noise and mindless activity. Lately, I am learning to appreciate the joy of slowness, stillness and surrender. I am practicing awareness, when I remember, moment to moment;  I am often brought up short by my shortsightedness or short temper. I am stretched and relaxed and massaged into stillness. I sleep and wake, and begin again.

There are no steps I am aware of, no phases, no progress, except Here, or Not. There I go again. Stop, breathe, repeat. Hello. Slow Down. Remember. You are not alone. In this sea of souls, remember. You can call out, reach for the One Breath, the One Sound, the One, will hear you. 

SoulCollage(R)  Card: Hearing the Call

Dance, as Hafiz and Rumi request, dance with life. Don’t sit on the sidelines anticipating the end. Dance, enjoy. Be in the swirl and whirl of it all, this myriad, colourful rainbow world; pain, sorrows, griefs, joy, love, simplicity – all turning on the wheel, Cosmic Ferriswheel of life. Now you are Up. Now you are Down. Do you still feel the need to control? How small you are in the scheme of things. Up, up, up you go – it’s a wild, smooth, terrible, wonderful ride. Yesterday I was struggling to master my panic at a supposed computer threat. Today problem solved, all is well, my heart beat is back to normal. Praise be. I appreciate the peace my morning practice brings.

Journey Card: root chakra, Red

Prescription for Self-Care: 10 Ingredients

I was brought up the eldest daughter in a fairly happy, Catholic, and wholly dysfunctional household with a brood of seven siblings (and depression and alcoholism in the family tree). Somehow this grew me into a highly functional, overly demanding perfectionist –harder on myself than others, with a strong tendency to morph into the Overarching Boss of Everything once I became a Mom.

My journey through midlife has partly cured me of this kill-joy attitude, by bringing me nose to nose with this miserable character (being with my kids helped too). Perhaps someone else who is just realizing they are their own worst party pooper will read this and gather some hints about how to relax and enjoy life.

10 Ingredients:

1)      Kindness to self and others: no belittlement, bullying or harsh criticism allowed. Not even yelling obscenities at aggressive drives that cut you off! Send them blessings instead and it will boomerang back to you.

2)      Right eating: finding the balance between the desire for pleasure and fun, and real nourishment, what truly feeds your body. There is no one-size fits all in terms of food – experiment, be curious, don’t follow fads. I have gone from extreme vegan to macrobiotic to carnivore before finding the right food for my body and blood sugar (steak ‘n eggs for breakfast)!

3)      Energy In is greater than Energy Out: ask yourself, what drains me and what feeds me? the two best questions to finding balance. If you are exhausted and cranky, how can you be of service to others, let alone yourself?

4)      Peace in the Heart: inner bliss, find the oasis within in stillness, submerse yourself and dive in regularly, every day if not every minute. Life is short. Heaven is now.

5)      Ease: catch up on the sleep deficit induced by all work and no play, take more down time to chill and learn the power of doing nothing: nap often.

6)      Allies and Friends: never underestimate the importance of being seen and heard by friends who love and fully support you, accept you as is.

7)      Gratitude Attitude: appreciation is a wonderful antidote to bitterness. Give thanks, give back, pay it forward. It’s a practice that feels forced at first, but grows your bliss.

8)      Creative expression: let your soul out to play: collage, art, doodling, weaving, singing, dancing, bass lessons, tai chi; include your five senses and get a whole body rush, while being in the Flow, lose track of time, rediscover childlike wonder. A powerful game changer.

9)      Embrace your shadow: accept your faults, withdraw projections onto others (the blame and shame game); practice saying “I am flawed and fabulous”, “I am Enough.”

10)   Emotional Wisdom: let tears flow, and laughter ring, give hugs aplenty. Feeling is Healing. And PAIN stands for Pay attention inside Now!

OK, I left out something rather important for a blissful life, Sexual Pleasure and Fulfillment. This one took me a long time to allow (must be all that religion, wanting to be a saint and being celibate for ten years). All I can say is, allow, allow, allow.

There are many elements to happiness, of course: where you work and play, how many friends and companions really see you and ‘get’ you; the health of your children, parents, tragedies that occur, but one thing is for sure: the size of your house, car and bank account are way down on the list.

The worst Bliss Busters? Besides perfectionism, the worst Bliss Buster seems to be the pushing, striving, nose to the grindstone attitude until either burn-out, extreme fatigue or death by heart attack.

How can you find ways to move into more body ease, more supple enjoyment, more light and laughter? Put on a soothing music CD, light a candle and write about this in your journal right now.

If nothing else works, pray for guidance from your angels and guardian spirits. Our purpose on earth is to enjoy, to be in Joy, as much as possible. Besides, self-flagellation is so passé….

Jennifer Boire is a recovering perfectionist and the author of The Tao of Turning Fifty. She leads retreats and Creative Journaling classes for women in the Montreal area. www.jenniferboire.com 

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first published on MindBodyGreen July 2013

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10413/10-ingredients-you-need-for-a-happy-life.html

Meditate on your Heart Month

February is Heart Month

I'm going to write more about what opening into heart awareness means for me, as I did in my monthly newsletter for my website (sign up at www.jenniferboire.com),
but for the moment, here's something I found on Facebook, with some lovely music and visuals to help you focus and breathe through your heart.

http://chandinilove.tumblr.com/


Namaste,
Musemother

Getting through it: Menopausal Minefield

How did I survive it, I wonder sometimes? Looking back at the time I spent in sleepless nights, feeling like I was going crazy, weeping in my bedroom or lashing out at my teenagers with impatience, feeling far away from my husband and just generally, not 'myself'; it feels like the long period leading up to menopause was a dangerous minefield.

What helped me through it? lots of different things - Promensil, a little red clover pill I got at the pharmacy, suggested by a woman friend a few years older, prevented hot flashes and melt-downs of heat. I know some women like to call them Power Surges but I could do without those, thank you very much.

There were ups and also Down times - I remember seeing a counselor for about a year, for talk therapy and anger issues. I didn't like the little explosions, the unexpected blowing up at my kids and spouse. Therapy took a few layers of defensive stuff off (and helped the shoulders), and gave me some practical tips for getting help and not burning out, but after going over the same childhood territory, sad, lonely teen with a chip on her shoulder from being little mother to her siblings, alcoholic mother, workaholic dad, etc etc, it was getting a little repetitive, so next I saw a Reiki therapist who also did reflexology and gave me very sound advice about how being a Mom, flipped upside down, was WoW. Energy work of any kind, cranial sacral, reiki, osteopathy, are all very healing.

I must have seen four different homeopaths and naturopaths, looking for the perfect mind-body health solution. It wasn't only menopause, but those aches and pains at mid-life - who ever heard of bursitis before age 45? or basal cell carcinoma? I also had a frozen shoulder from too much working on a laptop computer. Still bothers me, but an osteopath (saw several actually, before I found "the one") helped me unfreeze it, as the whole collar bone and neck was affected. There were nights when only a heating pad could help the pain.

Hmm, diet wise, a naturopath helped me discover low iodine was a problem for my thyroid, and the tendency to wallow in depression lifted. Losing the gluten was a miracle, discovered after a month-long diet where you remove things, one at a time, first no red meat, then no chicken, then no eggs or cheese, til finally I was eating rice and veggies only, with some rice protein powder smoothies. All those joint aches and pains, weeping sessions, weight gain and mood swings were not from menopause and aging, but from a gluten intolerance.

Low libido and sex life - this minefield is more slippery - pardon the pun - it goes up and down, and although I've taken oat tincture and Lorna whatzername's supplements, used the Ganga lubrifier and other JoyToy remedies, this one feels more like a communication issue. Still working on that one. Mostly, it's about speaking up, and allowing myself to enjoy mindless pleasure. Go figure!

Yoga and meditation were my constant companions, and still are. There is just no way to find inner peace and balance without them, for me. That and journal writing have helped me negotiate the mine-fields and not get blown up in the process.

The skies are clearing now, the storm clouds mostly gone, and blessed be, my kids are studying in two different cities, so my alone time and hermit needs are more frequently fulfilled. I am so loving leading Creative Journaling and SoulCollage(R) classes, and discovering the company of other women on the journey. And now it's my husband's turn to navigate the mid-life minefields (he's growing a beard).

take good care now, and if you want to learn more about the peri-menopausal journey and self-care, look for The Tao of Turning Fifty, on my website or at amazon.com
Musemother/jenn

Real Meditation is the Rhythm of this Breath

Want to know what the true meditation is like? watch this clip about the Breath of Life.

Yoga, Cancer and Calm

Not only does staying calm help me get through the hectic back-to-school days, but staying calm is good for your health. The link below is to a Globe and Mail article from Thursday Sept 3

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/

Scientists and researchers in Calgary are studying the effects of yoga on cancer survivors. The program is called Yoga Thrive and has proved to be an ideal practice for diminishing the side effects associated with chemotherapy : fatigue, nausea and depression.

Kripalu Yoga Center in Massachusetts has also teamed up with doctors to integrate alternative healing practices into their medical practice. It turns out that yoga and healthy living are good partners.

There are several good articles on the Kripalu website, but here is one called The Future of Medicine: http://www.kripalu.org/article/267 which explains how blindsided doctors get when we focus only on the symptoms and not on the underlying causes.

Yoga and meditation are not only about stress reduction and finding calm. They are tools for growing your awareness, your conscious choices, your way of living in the world.

Choose harmony, choose the path of least resistance, choose health.

nameste,
musemother

7 Tools for Gaining Essential Wisdom

Tuning into body guidance - a revised version from earlier blog post
(with thanks to all the teachers who have inspired me: Dr. Christiane Northrup, Dr. Joan Borysenko, Marion Woodman and special thanks to Maharaji for showing me the well of peace within).

I believe our wisdom is close at hand, right within us, and very doable. You don't need a book to tell you how to tune in. All you need you have already, if you can live close to the body/
belly/heart wisdom.

If we can listen to our need for rest, food, inner peace, we can begin the healing we need. In my experience this involves trusting myself, and accepting that I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.

This is my challenge right now, and I share it with you because it is simple, (if not easy) to start following your body's guidance right now. (The first rule is so simple, you'll laugh. But it has been trained out of us since childhood.)

l. Eat when you are hungry. Enjoy your food (fresh, organic produce whenever possible) sitting down - taking time to digest and savour the flavours. Notice when you feel satisfied. If you are really adventurous, let yourself be served once a week. This feels wonderful!

2. Sleep when you are tired and take naps whenever possible. Set your body clock by going to bed at a reasonable hour. Can you find your own need for rest?

3. Strike two items off your to-do list every day and be happy with that. Do not be a slave to ‘getting it all done’. This helps me to practice feeling "I am enough". And from the Adrenaline Junkies List by Cheryl Richardson, I add, Do Not Spread yourself too thin. Learn to say No and disappoint people, gently.

4. Take time to sit in silence once a day to center yourself in the breath for at least 10 minutes. Make inner peace a priority, because it is :)

5. Stretch, shake your body, dance, do yoga, walk, or move a new muscle. Wake up your body every day. (thanks to Brigitte for this insight)

6. Go pee when you have to – respond to the first call. This is harder than it sounds.

7. When you have your monthly period, give yourself what you need – either rest or exercise. Consider that PMS is the result of not listening to your body guidance. Sit with your center and ask yourself, hot water bottle or pilates? Your gut will guide you. This is your time to be alone; your intuition is stronger now. Pay attention.

As with any list, you can start with any one of these in any order, and do what you can. Just begin somewhere to take care of you!

I have found that when I take care of myself and treat my body less harshly, more lovingly, I naturally become less harsh and more loving to others. My favourite gift to myself is a massage or Reiki session to balance my energy and relieve anxiety and stress.

Remember, whatever I bless flourishes, whatever I criticize falters. So love your body.
(from the Woman's Belly Book)

nameste,
musemother

crying at the hairdressers

Renovations, finishing up on house building, workers in my room every morning finishing a closet door panel, shingles, soffits, front door bell, new furniture - it's all very exciting, and very draining. But I'm a trooper, I deal with it all, feed my family (mostly) home cooked meals, and ignore my own books, journals, needs.

Until this week, looking for computer connections and disks, I opened a box in the new office full of boxes of books unopened, and came across one that said Jenn's books, women's spirituality....and my heart went Ah....that's what I have been missing. Time for me, time alone.\

Actually that's the title of the course I'm giving in January - Mini-retreats, Time for You. And of course, I've been so busy with the move and settling in that I've forgotten about me. Skipped yoga to b e here for deliveries, skimp on meditation because the house is full of people at 8 am and my old schedule doesn't work anymore. Can't use the bathtub for a long soak cause there's no curtains (well, since Monday there are, finally!)

I am learning that what I teach is what I need to learn the most. The long ago days of summer when I had lots of time to practise soul collage, colour mandalas, and listen to peaceful music while doing yoga on the floor in my room seem a distant memory.

This morning I escaped the busy house to the hair dresser - Christmas concert is tomorrow, and I need to spruce up. NO make-up on, my face looked tired in the bright mirrors. I was pretty quiet til my hairdresser asked how the house was coming along. After letting out my list of busy week stuff, a tear crept in, and my shoulder started spasming....and I couldn't stop the flow.

It will pass, I said to Patrick, but really, it's just my body and soul crying out for time alone, time for me, time to be with the beautiful view of the lake we moved here for. Lake and sky? oh yeah, right in front of me. Breath and feeling anchored ... oh yeah, right under my nose.

nameste,
jenn