Time for Serenity Today

 

Time for Serenity, Anyone?

William Stafford

 

I like to live in the sound of water,
in the feel of mountain air. A sharp
reminder hits me: this world is still alive,
it stretches out there shivering toward its own
creation, and I’m part of it. Even my breathing
enters into this elaborate give-and-take,
this bowing to sun and moon, day or night,
winter, summer, storm, still–this tranquil
chaos that seem to be going somewhere.
This wilderness with a great peacefulness in it.
This motionless turmoil, this everything dance.

(Found on Parker Palmer's page, he adds this note: "The poem also gives voice to a simple sabbatical insight I want to keep alive: The most radical thing I can do during this era of intense social and political turmoil is hold to inner peace, as best I can. This isn’t the first time I’ve learned that lesson, but I needed to learn it again."

Some of us are seeking serenity even more than usual this year. There's a lot of turmoil going on, it's a time of great unrest. And although the summer has been gorgeously long and hot, the river water beautiful and the mountains majestic, we are also preparing for a seasonal shift, to fall and cooler weather and a return to school. This year that return is very needed yet very stressful  – uncertainty about the virus spreading amongst children, whether the kids will wear masks or not in classroom, all the little bubbles of friends spreading and mixing. Parents getting their freedom back!

Even though my kids are grown and living on their own, my son’s wife is pregnant, and therefore limiting her contacts with the world at large, safely working from home. But as thirty somethings, the invitations for weddings, funerals, christenings and baby showers are frequent - and have to be negotiated, considered, sometimes declined. It is not an easy time for any of us.

In this continuing pandemic chaos, we need a little serenity. I offer this poem as a reminder that the seasons are still turning, the dance of life is on-going, and we are part of this creation of nature. My breathing is part of the give and take.

I need to find tranquility in the midst of the chaos surrounding me, on the news, in the airwaves, around the corner.

When the moon is shining on the water, I am reminded of that beauty.

When the wind is blowing the leaves from the trees, I watch in wonder.

When the storm clouds blow and shake and shiver the sky, I am grateful to have shelter.

Laisse le vent souffler! Let the wind blow, sings Zachary Richard (amidst hurricane season).

There is beauty even in the madness – il y a de la beauté dans la malheur, sings Kevin Parent, two songs I’ve shared recently on my Facebook page. They remind me that music, songs, poetry, nature are balms for my soul – they remind me to stay where I can breathe. To re-center and lift my eyes to the sun and moon, to the stars and the sky. To dance with the wind.

Tomorrow is a full moon. I’m going to get outside and fill my eyes with light.

I want to remember the basics, the in-breath, the out-breath.

Soften my belly and feel my feet on the ground.

Stand like a tree and receive the life energy flowing.

Sending me signals, messages, this moment.

Serenity is within my reach.

 

SoulCollage(R) Card: Heart Focus 

 

 

 

Daring Greatly Book Review

http://www.brenebrown.com/books/

Author Brené Brown, PH.D., is a researcher and pioneer in studying shame and vulnerability. She has written two previous books, The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me and became well known recently doing a TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability (2010) which had over seven million hits on the website. I loved The Gifts of Imperfection, so I asked for a review copy of Daring Greatly, to see where she's headed in this new book. I found it full of 'home' truths.

Daring Greatly begins with a quote: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles…the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…”  Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

We may know on one level that to be human means to be vulnerable – that it’s not a weakness but a way of exposing ourselves to learning and growth, daring to make mistakes, and engaging in what is meaningful in spite of risks, yet how many of us really feel comfortable living from a vulnerable place?

This book is about encouraging leaders, teachers, parents and everyone to find our courage, compassion and connection to other people through the power of vulnerability. As Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for connection.”  Creativity and innovation, good parenting, leadership, all rely on our ability to not use shaming, bullying and blaming as methods to distance ourselves from difficult emotions, or for getting the most out of our children or employees, at home or in organizations.

Vulnerability involves showing up, letting ourselves be really seen, and knowing that our basic worthiness is not in question. However, as Brown asserts, the challenge is great; it does require ‘daring greatly’ because our society in general makes us feel “never good enough, perfect enough, thin enough, successful enough, smart enough” – a lot of which comes from media-driven visions of perfection, or nostalgia for the good old days.

Our fear and discomfort with vulnerability become judgment and criticism – we run away from uncomfortable feelings; but vulnerability is also what we need to experience love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and hope. If we think of feeling as a weakness, then we shut down, disengage, we don’t dare ask for help, share an unpopular opinion, or stand up for ourselves. That’s where the power of vulnerability comes in.

The most significant barrier to creativity and innovation is the fear of ridicule, and fear of failure and of being wrong. Yet without feeling safe enough to take risks and live with uncertainty, we can’t have real innovation and creativity.  In her chapter on leaders, Brown describes how being comfortable with vulnerability can actually increase creativity and innovation – if bosses feel they have to know everything, and always be ‘in charge’, it makes employees feel they are ‘less than’ or smaller than. Thus, shame and fear lead to lack of innovation because there isn’t a safe environment to make mistakes in.

“We can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again,” says Brown. Shame resilience allows us to acknowledge the hurt or disappointment, but not be devastated by it. We see our courage. We dare to stay connected to our emotions and to others in spite of feeling pain or rejection. We practice critical awareness.

Brown posits that ‘self-love is a prerequisite to loving others’. It gives you the courage to show up and be vulnerable, open up to love. Because we fear disconnection, being unlovable and not belonging, we work sixty hours a week, or get involved with affairs or addictions…we begin to unravel. Her solution: own up to your failures and fears; show up, be vulnerable and courageous enough to love and support ourselves and each other. Be real, in other words. Like the Velveteen Rabbit kind of real. Remove the mask, stop pretending we’re invulnerable, and remove the armour, the self-protection. Practice being ‘enough’. 

I find it especially hits home during the midlife transition, and so does Brown. At midlife, she describes how “all that role playing (fitting into perfect gender roles for women and men) becomes almost unbearable…. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted, and for the first time they begin to clearly see that the expectations are impossible.”

It’s good to be reminded that the cracks are where the light gets in, as Leonard Cohen sings. The book ends with Brown’s strategy or game plan: to change the culture by opening up a discussion on what we lose when we shut down, disengage and lead from fear, and power-over, using shaming, blaming and bullying techniques to get our own way and how this ultimately affects families, schools, and corporations. 

Imagine if we built a corporate culture or instilled family values of being honest and open about our emotions. This would encourage giving honest feedback and allowing room for growth and engagement. Growth and learning are uncomfortable, so it can be expected, and then accepted, which reduces shame, anxiety, and fear.

I believe, like Brene Brown, that the change will begin in families, at home, with our children. It begins when we show up honestly and courageously to have the difficult discussions, show our emotions and not pretend to know it all or armor up. “Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative.”

I highly recommend this book, and if you can’t manage to read it, watch her Ted talk at www.TED.com

Reviewed by Jennifer Boire

www.jenniferboire.com

My Manifesto on Self-Care

For the second time in two days, I’ve read that self-help books are full of clichés like: learn to slow down, take care of yourself, eat healthy good food, get regular sleep, journaling (this from a book review on a book for young women to help them get beyond high heels and shopping). Hello! When did rigorous discipline and self-love become cliché? That makes it sound so easy, like anyone can do it with their eyes closed.

Actually, it’s one of the hardest things in the world to accomplish, until you decide it’s a priority  – to get the right dose of balance in your overly busy life, to make sure the things you spend the most time on are the things that really matter, to carve out some down time to take care of your bruised soul in this wearying roller coaster existence of 24-7 productivity and busyness.  The goal being to not just survive but thrive. To have a happy healthy whole attitude towards life – every day I commit to taking better care of my inner Self in a world that honours only the success of my outer Self, i.e. the number of techno gadgets I am attached to, the number of fabulous exotic trips I take a year, the shape and colour of my wardrobe, the size of my purse....is a commitment not to something cliché but rather to being a more real human being.

So forgive me if you’ve heard this before, but I need to be reminded continuously that self-care is not selfish. I need to be reminded that focusing on what feeds me, and surrounding myself with like-minded folks who encourage that quest for balance in me, is where I start to feel human. The overstressed, yelling-all-the-time person who constantly criticizes herself (and others) for being too lazy, too self-indulgent and too slow is so yesterday. I do not want to live under the shadow of my inner critic, whose bark and bite are sneakily nasty. I have over identified with that little voice for far too long. I finally feel I deserve some self-love, just like I deserve a soothing massage when I am too wound up, and alone time to write in my journal and better understand myself.   I now know that when I am kind to myself it helps me be kind to others, and the world is a much better place when we are feeling kind. Yes, I am flawed, I'm not there all the time, but it is a fabulous goal to work on.

If that is cliché, well it’s one that hasn’t been used enough by the world in general to become cliché really (at least, not overused yet). When kindness, compassion and love are the norm, maybe then we can say it’s a cliché.

So take that, Book Reviewers of the world. The Tao of Turning Fifty is coming out in a few days, the end of January I hope, once I approve the final proof. And it will be full of clues, tools, and tips for self-care. Touché, cliché.

Inner Peace and Adrenaline Rush

Life goes by so quickly - my god - it was yesterday I bought a new printer, and today it's already 5 years old, the printer head can't be replaced because the model doesn't exist anymore. It cost me $350 to buy this Canon printer/scanner/fax and today I replaced it for $129 plus tax.

Watching people downtown on Tuesday night, St-Denis and Ontario Street, I was struck by the speed we were all moving. I was rushing, late to a poetry reading sound-check, they were rushing - Ginette Reno was doing a launch at Theatre St-Denis, we were all dressed in black or dark winter colours, and walking as quickly as we could, pushing past the slower ones.

Last night driving to a practice with my quartet just after supper time, I saw commuters still coming home from the train station, walking to their homes, everyone seemed to walk so quickly - probably hungry for their supper.

Is it just me, or have we speeded up the pace of life? I don't feel old yet, at 56 I'm certainly not one of the old fogies driving at 30 Km, but I feel allergic to all this speed and rushing. I have been used to it, even addicted to the adrenaline rush for years now. Running, rushing, pushing myself to go faster and get more done. And yes, always meditating every day, so allowing some time for slowness. But modus operandi was fast faster and fastest.  I pride myself on getting back to people within the same day of receiving a request - why I have no idea.

I'm listening to a CD for my retreat: I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me is good to go....I am gentle with myself (Karen Drucker http://www.karendrucker.com) and it feels so soothing.  I want to slow down the pace so I can bear it, so my body can keep up, so that my inner peace can catch up with me.

Menopause has slowed me down somewhat. The sore shoulder has slowed me down somewhat. Doing retreats and leading writing workshops brings me into the present where my enjoyment is, and more and more, I choose to move at that rhythm.

What do you think? Is slowing down an option in this hyper-fast world?

musemother

Dear Reader

I was flummoxed by a pain in the neck. I was running and getting things done and doing errands and being productive and crossing things off my list and typing away at 100 words  a minute...feeling productive and 'good'.

And yet every night I've been lying in bed with this chronic pain in the neck and shoulders and even seventeen appointments with a chiropracter/naturopath and a physio therapist and umpteen other kinds of treatment (yes, osteopathy) are not making it go away.

An MRI is scheduled, an xray shows arthritis, inflammation, bone spurs...damage from a ski-doo accident when I was thirteen and really banged my spine. And yet, I have to wonder, what's behind this pain in the neck?

Dear Reader in meditaton this morning I felt so close to giving up all the 'busy-ness' that makes me feel useful. I felt so close to the soft understanding that the world needs our/my soft participation in the Slow feminine, in the inner connectedness to the sentient earth, to the sentient beings around me, more than it needs me to be busy.

I feel, now, looking out at the clouds zooming by over the lake amidst rain and dark grey water, that I have been living from the outside in for too long.  My neck is asking me to stop, take stock and ultimately, say, I give up. I surrender. Please show me how to trust this soft inner place where I am not divided in two, body and mind, heart and head.

I want to be a channel for peace, I wrote in my bucket list.  OK, so be careful what you ask for.

Being and living consciously cannot be watchwords or just talk, is my feeling this morning.  LIving from the inside out - what would that feel like? It's been my mantra or 'tag line' for so long...it's been what I believe in. But can I really live inside it?  Yes, oh yes, I can. Becaue the pain in the neck is crushing my resistance.

Dear reader, I am writing this today to remind myself that life is a great teacher.  That the lessons are all from love.  That my calling, as Jennifer Louden put it so well in her facebook notes, is calling me to be true to myself, not just for me, but for the transformation of all of us.  Each one of us can answer the call within to be true to ourselves, and it will change the world.  The change we want to see, we have to be....slowly, gently, with compassion and kindess, we can listen to the call.

We suffer when we disengage from the journey of discovery. Explore that inner listening, and let yourself be guided towards more opening, more truth, more being at peace with yourself, less 'keeping busy' to feel useful.

my thoughts on a rainy day
from inside
Jenn/musemother

One day at a time

One day at a time, one goal at a time, taking little steps out of overwhelm ...

Today, after meditating, I jumped up to read my emails - first mistake.  Should have written in my journal first, as usual. So the list of things to do got bigger very quickly.  Took out my journal and began to write down all my commitments, various volunteer things I've taken on, committees, raffle prizes, fundraising, chorus activities, board meeting notes to write up, and way at the bottom of the list was Writing. Stories. Poems. Even below that was, take care of self.

Sigh, it was 10:30 before I took a shower (advantage of working at home in my pyjamas).

Sudden mini-panic attack and dizziness - deep breath out, slow breath in.

Ok - since the list is overwhelming, I thought spring cleaning would work better. Guests coming this week, so strip the guest room bed, wash all the kids sheets, pillowcases, the king size bed....a mountain of white sheets on the floor outside the laundry room.

Dash outside after lunch for a quick walk up Alan Hill with Mollie - ah, once outside the door the bright green of new buds, the star magnolia blossoms, the smell of grass and old fall leaves underfoot welcomed me back to "ground center".  Breathing in the smells with Mollie, as she ran from muddy path to boggy grass. All the new shoots and little yellow and blue flowers calmed my mind.

Back to the house, and computer, emails, notes to type up - bing bang got em all done. And suddenly at 2:00, 3 teen girls took over the kitchen, cooking up snacks and cutting each other's hair...so I escaped to my room to edit that story.

This has been one hell of a day, started out rocky, ending up satisfying - I got one story rewritten, copied and into an envelope for a writing contest. Made a rehearsal plan for my quartet and helped solve a last minute hosting change for the women's circle....little emergencies that had me stymied and panicked this morning got resolved.

I credit the laundry.  When I need to focus, it helps to put one foot in front of the other and just do something useful. Clean a room or a closet, empty a desk drawer and sort it. File stuff where it belongs. Fold sheets and make the beds. Must be that Feng Shui of the soul tip I learned last week...

have a great week
musemother
ps singing this week at the Yellow Door coffeehouse with Over the Top

Being Present and Belonging

“The shortest distance in the world is the one between you and yourself.” John O’Donohue

Even though the above statement is true, the loneliness I can experience being estranged from my own Presence is the loneliest feeling in the world. Even if I am somewhat connected to others, if I am not connected to mySelf, I don’t feel as deep a connection to the others.

Sometimes it can feel like I’m miles away from myself when I am not really present, like a divided self living in one body. That feeling of being lonely, even in a crowd, of not belonging anywhere, is a feeling of not being connected. We are lonely for ourselves, essentially. We are longing to meet face to face with that inner Friend, to see our own face in a mirror of calm. This meeting brings a feeling of immense satisfaction, serenity and peace.

When I am self-aware, or present and conscious, not in the psychological sense, but in the way of being present inside or mindful, then  I am also aware of the inner observer watching and listening, stepping back from thought and mind’s chatter. Through meditation, through looking at myself in the mirror within, comes a stillness of the mind that also brings a feeling of being with a larger Presence. I feel a oneness with myself (and my Self) that does not come from reading a book or staring at a candle. It feels like the two halves have been united, there’s a wholeness about me.

How does my own lack of connection manifest? On a daily basis, I work alone. I am in my home, writing, reading, and surfing the web on different topics or blogging about what interests me. Sometimes I am working on a book project or poetry. But mostly I am alone all day, except for my dog and cats, and occasional hungry teenagers ravaging the kitchen for food. Craving human connection, I wait for my email box to fill up with replies to emails I have sent, or information, or replies to blog posts, or replies to replies I have left on other blogs – some days I wonder, why is the world so silent? Having nothing new in my inbox is a sad feeling.  When there is mail, it's like a confirmation that I am here, and someone is responding to me. 

 I feel such a longing for belonging – for finding my tribe, for meeting like-minded women who are a bit windy mouthed as I am, who want to hash things out, research, search again, find all the alleys and byways and tributaries of subjects of interest, about our sexuality, about our need for presence, and peace, about mid life and menopause, about independence and starting anew, about creativity and compulsivity .... about life in general. But I know that ultimately, I need to love being with myself, and then I will love even more being with everyone else.

I fill my need for presence and connection in different ways. I meditate, I practise yoga. I have a bi-monthly women’s circle meeting with cherished friends. I teach occasionally, to get out of the house. Mostly I am a bit of a hermit, but a hermit with an email habit.  I love to get emails from people. So if you’re reading this blog, please send me a comment.

Love to hear from you,

Jenn/musemother

Ps Happy Valentine’s Day

also blogging at Owning Pink (see sidebar)

Friends Encouragement

Blogs are more than a personal diary, at least for me, the blog is a place to share information, reach out and touch someone with interesting facts or insights, and even make new friends. I especially love getting feedback and hearing from readers.

A friend wrote me this week to say she had visited the blog, browsed it, and found it chock-full of information and resources.

That encouragement is so helpful! thanks Sylvie for writing to me with your feedback.

I will never feel the need to 'tweet' about what I'm doing every minute of the day, because that is too much minutaie for anyone to be interested in. But today was not an ordinary day! I had a colonoscopy for the first time. Every person over 50 is supposed to have one, so I finally accepted my doctor's advice and booked one. It didn't take long, and the day before was more of a bother, what with emptying the colon all day.

However, if they offer a sedative, take it. I tried to be tough and go without it, but there was some discomfort and pain as they tried to reach all the way to the end of the colon, turning corners and helping the instruments along from outside as best they could.....won't go into more detail, but it was definitely easier once they put the drugs in an intravenus needle... I am so much more afraid of needles than of pain, that I put it off till the last minute, and now the Demerol is still wearing off.

Here is a quote from Conversations with God:

"For most of your life you've lived at the effect of your experiences. Now you're invited to be the cause of them. That is what is known as conscious living. That is what is called walking in awareness....

Be patient. You are gaining wisdom. And your joys are now increasingly available without pain. That too is a very good sign.

You are learning (remembering how) to love without pain; to let go without pain; to create without pain; to even cry without pain."

enjoy the new sun and warmth,

musemother