Turning 50, er 59

I used to be able to link the blog directly to Facebook notes, but somehow that stopped happening.

What I really am doing these days, besides resting in the sun? dancing in a Musical theatre show every night this week, and preparing for an interactive lecture at Beaconsfield Library, Tuesday Oct 1, 10 am.

And thinking about how wonderful my fifties have been.

There's a life coach somewhere who said we should keep track of our victories, especially when we feel a little down on ourselves for not accomplishing much. Looking back at my fifties so far, I can see a lot has happened.

My kids hit their teens, then grew up enough to leave home and attend University in 2 different cities.

My husband has joined three different bands, and I sing along in one of them.

I wrote a book, self-published it, and attended many workshops on how to promote and publicize in this age of social media. The Tao of Turning Fifty is popular with the women who attend my classes and retreats.

Am leading more and more weekend retreats for women, and day-long mini-retreats.

Learned how to SoulCollage(R) and became a facilitator, so I can share this intuitive and creative process of self-awareness with others.

Hired a web master and created a new website to share the books, CD, and classes.Took fab author photos (bartered with a student for a class).

Recorded Musemother Relaxation CD, at home, while looking at the lake.

Sang, recorded and helped produce Friends of Peace album in our home studio.

Began teaching Creative Journaling from my home, and now am calling it the Creative Circle.

Volunteered at the West Island Cancer Wellness Centre teaching journal writing for one year.

Organized a fundraiser Golf Benefit Tournament in Montreal 2012, with my husband, for TPRF and 60 Million Girls foundations.

Helped organize a Concert for Peace at the Hudson Music Festival summer 2013, fundraiser for TPRF.org and wrote an article about the successful (and unforgettable) musical event.

Recently enrolled in a year-long course (in French) to become a Facilitator of Rituals, with Ho Rites de Passage.

Performing with my quartet and in some group numbers, Still in the Mood, musical revue with Hudson Music Club at the Village Theatre. (a life-long dream!)

so there it is, only some of what I've done in my fifties, 

I feel better already!

Jennifer

aka Musemother

Can you make it to Fifty?

You don't have to be nearing fifty or over fifty to know that life is fragile. But there is something about getting older that helps us realize our mortality and realize there are things we need to do or be before time runs out. I remember my GP congratulating me when I hit 50, and I thought, why would she say that?

Recently, my 21 year old son had an ATV accident in Greece, and while he came out of it (10 days later) relatively unscathed, miraculously not brain damaged or incapacitated, he was unconscious and intubated for the first few immensely scary days, in an intensive care ward far away in Athens and then later in Frankfurt where he was brought by air ambulance for an operation.

My husband and I flew to Athens to be with him, and entered that strange liminal space of not being sure from one day to the next what his condition was, or what his prognosis was. The second day we were there, they reduced the sedation and tried to remove the ventilator, and while he didn't open his eyes (or couldn't), he did squeeze his father's hand and give us a thumbs up. For which we rejoiced! Responding and all there, very good news.

Over the next week, we had many ups and downs, many conflicting pieces of information about what would happen or needed to happen next, as they performed CT scans and checked his brain for swelling, his many fractures adding up, from below his left eye, his left jaw, double fracture in front of jaw, a broken rib, a bruised lung,  two vertebrae broken, but not impacting the spinal cord....lots of trauma. We learned to live in the moment, and yet yearned to be able to bring him home to Montreal.

I remember letting go to panic and anxiety a few times, lying there with my stomach muscles all squeezed tight in a ball, having a hard time sleeping. Or crouching in a hospital hallway crying, not able to handle the uncertainty anymore. Thank goodness my husband is the strong stoic type and only broke down in tears twice.

Through that week, one thing held onto me. Or I held to it. Not sure who was doing the holding, but it was a great comfort to have a place inside to visit, to focus my mind and heart on, to not be totally swamped by the worst case scenarios playing out in my mind. Some mornings, since we were still jet lagged, it was hard to sit and practice meditation, and sometimes we just got up, showered and went to the hospital.  But the moments of relief that came, as we learned more about his state of health, also brought a deep feeling of gratitude and connection. I'm not sure I handled myself very well all the time, what with all the changing medical staff, nurses doctors and physiotherapists, night staff, morning staff; or the ICU staff dramatically walking us back to the door with the bell, where we needed to wait and not just walk in to their controlled environment.

Thank goodness a few personnel even spoke some English or we would have been more lost at sea. And for the insurance company logistics people in America, who had an open 24 hour line and revolving staff, who had a file on our son and knew where he was, mostly, and what he needed, mostly, and helped us decide where the best care for him would be and when it was safe to fly him home.

It's been two weeks since the accident, and my son can now sit up and walk, feed himself, is almost off the painkillers, does not need a second operation for his jaw, although it's wired shut for 5 more weeks. My friend and neighbour's Vitamix blender is my new best friend. It's like feeding a baby bird, but a 160 pound, 6 foot tall one, who needs protein and feeding every two hours. Our friends sustained us with texts and emails and support and a very large network of prayers was holding my son in the light all that time.

I'd like to say I have a new appreciation for my mortality, for all of our mortality, but I feel more like a first time mother with a newborn, noticing the dangers everywhere, slowing down and stopping fully at intersections, wanting to scream at anyone rollerblading without a helmet, noticing all the stupid ways we act dangerously, unconsciously, putting ourselves and others in danger.  I feel newly raw and overwhelmed with the knowledge that life is so fragile, that a bad break a few centimetres closer to his spine could have left my son paralyzed or a vegetable. And also extremely grateful.

I used to say when he was a teenager that I just wanted him to make it to age 21, to survive teenage-hood without too many broken bones and calamities. Now I want him to make it to at least 50, or older. I won't make any bets or deals, but I do want to appreciate all the moments we have left. And hopefully his GP will congratulate him when he turns 50.

jenn/musemother

Mid-LifeTransformation: Interview with Flourish over 50

This month I'm starting something new on the Musemother blog, and have joined up with several really smart women bloggers to bring you some interviews and links to theirwebsites for women at mid-life. This week I've interviewed Susan Tolles from the website Flourish over 50. Enjoy!

Musemother: We’re taught that aging is bad, that we’ll lose our productivity, our attractiveness, our youth, be ugly, useless, out of shape. How do you counteract that attitude?

Susan: The Baby Boomer generation is “kicking butt” in the world today. We are active, intelligent, confident, and reinventing ourselves in record numbers. In surveys I have done in my Flourish Over 50 community, at least 65% will respond positively to the statement “I love who I have become as I have aged!” The others are actively seeking new direction in their lives, to create an abundant future for themselves. We are refusing to stay at home, play bridge and go to book club like our mothers did. When I meet a woman who feels unattractive and useless, it doesn’t take long for me to turn her around as we focus on her unique gifts and inner beauty. With over 35,000 visitors to the website every month, I know that women over 50 are actively seeking information to help them lead healthy, balanced lives with style!

What do you do personally to look and feel fabulous?

I have learned to put myself at the top of my to-do list, to keep my mind, body and spirit nourished. I do all the usual things—eat a healthy diet, take vitamins and minerals, keep a good skincare regimen, and get a good night’s sleep—so it is the confidence I have in who I am that makes me radiate “fabulous.” People tell me I am the “perfect picture” of my Flourish Over 50 brand, and 75% of that comes from loving what I am doing and having the opportunity to touch the lives of others with my message of hope and renewal.

What is the biggest obstacle to a woman feeling good about herself after 50?

The media!  For decades, advertising has promoted younger looking women who are thin and gorgeous—of course, as a result of airbrushing and Photoshop! We are bombarded by print and TV ads that feature women we are “supposed” to look like. Only recently have some of the major cosmetics companies begun to focus on older women, and it’s about time! We don’t have to be wrinkle-free with flat tummies and thin thighs to be beautiful. There is true elegance in aging.

What is the biggest myth about turning fifty?

In our parents’ generation, women over 50 were, for the most part, invisible. They went to book club, played bridge, entertained and had seemingly ho-hum lives. If someone told me I had to live like that now, I would scream! This is not the time to stop living! Instead, it is the perfect time to start over, to enrich the legacy that you are leaving for your grandchildren and their children. We don’t even think about slowing down now—we have too much left to share with the world!

What is the greatest thing about turning fifty?

There is such a richness that comes with aging. We have priceless wisdom from the years of experience we have had raising children, often while working hard in one or more careers. We have juggled those roles with volunteering, caregiving and being “all things to all people,” and finally it is time for us to live the life WE want, not what others want for us. Turning 50 is such a huge transition point, and there is great freedom in finally saying “So what, if someone doesn’t like me? I love who I am, and who I have become. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem!”  

What has the midlife transition taught you about your own resilience and joy?

In my “pre-50” life, I had taken personality profiles several times, always scoring in the “extreme” level for being an Introvert. In the past three years, I have discovered that people like me for who I am, and I can just come out of my shell and be ME!  I have met so many amazing women who bring the best out of me, who support me and challenge me to stretch and grow. I have such self-confidence in the person I have become, and know that when I face speed bumps and potholes along my journey, I will be a better person on the other side. I still enjoy my alone-time, when I need to quiet my mind and soul, but the times I have with my girlfriends are what give me new energy.

What role do our men (sons, husbands, fathers) have in our self-image? Do you think they help or hinder ?

The men in our lives play a key role in our own self-worth. I am blessed with an incredibly supportive husband—we have been married almost 33 years—and he has been right with me all along the way. But I have met so many women who have divorced in midlife, devastated by a relationship that has fallen apart because the husband cheated or because they just have grown apart. That can destroy a woman’s perception of her own value. The father-daughter relationship also has a lasting impact on us, and can affect who we choose to marry and how we relate to all men in our lives. My family is so tightly woven together because we keep our Heavenly Father at our core.

How did the idea of the website come about and how did you find partners?

I had reached that point of stark realization: I was a middle-aged empty nester, still smart, useful and resourceful, but didn’t know what to do with my life. I started searching the Internet for resources for women over 50, and there just wasn’t much out there. At the same time, a friend suggested that I start blogging about my journey. When I received comments on my blog posts from women I didn’t even know, I realized that there were others who were experiencing the same emotions and challenges I was. My creative juices started flowing, and I decided to create my own website to share information to help myself and others live abundantly.

At first, I was generating all the content myself, and it was draining. After a while, I took a look around me at the women I knew, or knew of, who had the same vision for serving women. I reached out to a few to ask for their contributions, and they were thrilled to join the site. We have gone from a small blog to a major resource for women around the world, with over 35,000 visitors every month from over 90 countries. I love to share reinvention stories from other women along with our regular guest author articles, and we are even doing video series now. As I envision the future, there is so much to be done, but I am having so much fun along the way!

Anything else you would like to add?

From the beginning, my motto has been “Dream big and step out on faith.” Being over 50 brings with it the freedom to focus on yourself, to pursue those old dreams that have been on the back burner for so long, or to create something totally new for your life. Believe in yourself!  Set big goals, then have confidence knowing that you have what it takes to accomplish them. Surround yourself with cheerleaders, be willing to explore the detours along the way, and celebrate often! Enjoy living as you flourish, inside and out.

Susan Tolles is an Expert in Midlife Reinventions who inspires and equips women around the world to flourish inside and out.  As a website creator, published author, speaker and life coach, Susan helps women celebrate and enrich their true inner and outer beauty as they age with grace and vitality.  

Susan Tolles has contributed to the collaborative books  Inspired Women Succeed and The Unstoppable Woman’s Guide to Emotional Well-Being, both available on her websites. She lives in Austin, Texas, has been married for over 33 years and has three incredible children. She has worn many hats in her life and has personally experienced her own amazing midlife transformation, proving that it is never too late to discover your purpose and follow your dreams.

www.FlourishOver50.com and www.MyPowerfulMe.com

Thanks Susan for your clarity and enthusiastic answers! We wish you every success in your endeavours to bring the Flourish back into women's lives over 50.

Turning Fifty? So What's the Big Deal?

Now that I'm the wise old age of 57, sometimes I forget what it was like to approach fifty. My forties are a bit of a blur because I had my children late, and they hit puberty as I was hitting menopause. I do remember the arguments over plates on the counter, not in the dishwasher, and begging them to make their beds, until I gave up and just closed the door. But my personal life sonmetimes took a back seat to raising children and renovating our living space.

Even at fifty, my youngest was only 12...so the good times were still to come. There were lots of good times of course, family times, picnics, vacations, soccer games, ballet recitals, hip hop concerts, you name it.  But 'me time'? not so much.

So for me, turning fifty and above has been mostly about trying to carve out some time for me - time to find that well-adjusted psyche and sense of fulfillment people talk about in articles on mid-life. If you have your children in your late thirties, your mid-life may end up being in your late fifties. And you may still be adjusting to mid-life in your 60's.

Being fifty, (or 55, or 57) is about finally finding your self, your choices, your own tastes, your own heart's desire.  Mid-life has been like a second adolescence for me, partly because I stayed home with my kids and so the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up was still relevant. I had already gone back to school, gotten a master's degree, but what did I really want to do with it? Writing at home in my little room was no longer as fulfilling. I wanted to go out into the bigger world and play!

So my fifties has been about discovering this side of me: I've taken workshops, lead workshops, read books, written a few, and now I am leading retreats for women as well as creative journaling classes, which is so much where I want to be. Learning, exploring, following my passion, doing what I feel like - which involves more learning about what I love, what I feel, understanding my patterns and places I get stuck, finding out what really excites me.  And sharing those discoveries with other women.

It sounds like it's all about me - and it is.  I have found my vocation is largely talking about myself, something I've always loved anyway.  I use my own stories to illustrate the mid-life journey, as well as those of others I've encountered. There's a lot of uncertainty for women who have raised children, worked as caretakers and managers of households, once they begin to wonder what their skills are, and where their gifts and talents lie beyond bandaging scraped knees, driving kids to piano lessons and multi-tasking. Actually even the women who work full time as well as raising families sometimes question their roles at mid-life. Not a few women I know have created new careers, started businesses, or gone back to school in their forties and fifties.

Time is short, and at fifty, you face your own time limit. It's time to find out what really turns you on, what you really want to do with this wild and precious life, as Mary Oliver puts it. Maybe it scares you a little, but you find you have the courage, one baby step at a time, to explore new options, discover new territories, set out on adventures beyond your back yard.

And for some, the adventure is to come back to the roost and rest, to stop churning and turning in busy busy mode, and simplify. To learn to do one thing at a time. And that's an adventure too, because it is also unknown territory.

Whatever your adventure, getting to know your self along the way makes it more interesting.  I've only used about half the box of crayons, and there are so many colours to discover!

Namaste,
Jenn/Musemother

Women's Wisdom at Fifty Gets Better

New evidence from a survey done recently shows that women ages 50 - 65  feel the happiest and most fulfilled at this stage in their life (from author Dr. Christiane Northrup, in the introduction to her new Wisdom of Menopause; see her facebook page for an excerpt).

Why does this not surprise me? Somewhere in your fifties, your kids grow up and leave home for college, or if they live at home become very busy in their own lives and need their mother's less; women in our age group are mostly well-educated and have kept a foot in the world of academia or business by either working part-time or volunteering; and women in this age group finally feel empowered enough to speak up and say "Enough" when something doesn't suit them. And now they have the time to explore their own interests without feeling selfish.

We grew up in a different world, where children were meant to be seen but not heard; where often we are encouraged to not toot our own horns or be boastful. We were taught to be good girls, to serve others before ourselves, to think about waste and share, giving the best cut of meat to the person at the head of the table. Some of us were practical, and put aside our dreams to earn a living. We didn't talk back to our superiors and obeyed authority - well, ok, some of us did. I admit that although I was supposed to be a good girl, when I hit the teen years the urge to kick against the pricks (whoever I thought they were at the time: school principals, unfair parent's rules, French teachers) kinda took over.

But many of the women in my Creative Journaling classes nod their heads when I talk about the good girl upbringing, and many of them are just becoming comfortable in their forties and fifties with the idea that it's their turn to speak up, and with taking time for their own projects or for self-care.  In class, we do all kinds of exercises to empower ourselves, to find our Voice, to shut up the Inner Critic,  to speak our own truths. Because our women's wisdom is not whispering anymore, she's practically yelling - this is how I feel. Listen to me! It becomes imperative for women at mid-life to listen to their own intuition, to stand on their own two feet, to express how they feel, to speak their truth, to be true to themselves.  And if it feels very empowering to do this in your journal, it is even more empowering to do this in a group of like-minded women.

I see the same thing in my Women's Circle: we need allies, we need to be heard, we need to believe that our voices matter, our feelings matter. And this is what loops back to the feeling happier and most fulfilled - if you can believe in yourself enough to switch career paths, or go back to school, or use your talents in a creative project - publish a book, send out some poems, take an art class, become a teacher and leader of younger women, it makes your heart Sing. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - it makes a woman very happy when the Self is fulfilled, when her voice is heard, when she gets to do what really turns her on, without worrying that she might be taking up too much space, or not doing enough 'good deeds' for others.

So get out the drums, sing your song loud and clear. The world will be a better place when you explore what makes you truly happy - find what makes you feel fulfilled, and watch even your health and well-being improve. Women in their fifties and sixties are changing the world - Welcome to the best years of your life!

happy self-exploring
Musemother/jenn

The feminine face of God

“Clearly, it is time to ask ourselves where we are going. And…where we are going, is back into daily life. The women…spoke not only of the need to slow down and create an opening for awareness of the sacred in our daily lives, but of the need to embody, to enact, to be a vessel of that awareness so that it flows into all our relationships.” The Feminine Face of God

Finding my own yoga practice: my breath, my belly, little egg inside the universal flow, I reach up my spine to Father sky, lay down on my back on Mother Earth. We have been such poor one-sided creatures, forgetting our mother, ignoring her power and love. Somewhere in the cosmos, our sparks and beams dance in the sacred dance of union, male and female, yin and yang, mountain and stream, ocean of light inside the belly, inner me inside of me, caress inside of me, the birth and rebirth of me. There is no life without mother birthing all her creatures. You may call her nature, earth, Gaia, you may name her virgin but she is still the source of the wet moist breath, hot blood, firm bone, waters salty and sweet, milk of life and kindness. Her lungs have blown into your mouth the air you depend on, so do not spit into the wind.

His lightning, her rain; his totem, her face; his pole, her ground; his mountain, her dance; his clouds, her wind; they breathe together in unison. Dig into the sand, it fills with water. We are matter filled with spirit. We are female infused with male, and male infused with female. Mortal infused with immortality.

Over night, love changed direction. I reached up and grabbed the wind.

Excerpted from The Tao of Turning Fifty, A Woman's Way
by jenn