Mothers and Daughters Sex Talk 101

How many times have you wished you could broach the topic of sex with your teenaged daughter, only to shy away at the last minute, or have her give you the yucky face and walk out of the room if you bring it up.

Here are some salient points from Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup, (chapter on Love and sex, Aphrodite Rising) which may make it easier.

“The good news is that whenever a mother has the courage to heal the unhealthy patterns in her own life, her daughter is likely to benefit as well. What it may have taken a mother half a lifetime to become conscious of, her daughter may learn in a much shorter period of time.” all quotes from Mother Daughter Wisdom

“Good self-esteem sets the stage for healthy relationships with boys --and everyone else!”

Good advice: “If a guy tells you he needs you and can’t live without you, run the other way!”

Wisdom Challenge: Make sure your daughter is protected from STDs or pregnancy; if you are not ready to talk about it openly yourself, make sure she is given the necessary information and protection (whenever she asks for it) by her doctor.

Knowledge is Power: Teens need to know about their own fertility cycle, not just about condoms and birth control. i.e. when pregnancy is most likely to occur.

“A good first step in helping your daughter understand the way in which her sexual being is ultimately an expression of the divine life force is through a discussion of her menstrual cycle. By the age of fourteen most girls will be quite familiar with the mechanics of the cycle- though it’s always good to review it with them, for example when in the cycle they ovulate, for how long do they remain fertile, and so forth. But beyond the mechanics, you need to make sure they know something about the meaning of the menstrual cycle.

“The life force that governs the menstrual cycle is the same life force that governs the waxing and the waning of the moon and the ebb and flow of the tides.” Our bodies are part of this miracle.

Northrup says, the menstrual cycle governs the flow not only of bodily fluids but also of mood and creativity. One thing a conscious mom can do is to encourage her daughter to observe how she feels at different times during her cycle, emotionally and spiritually as well as physically. For example, she may notice that her energy, creativity and libido are full speed ahead at ovulation. And she may notice that she becomes far more inward and introspective just before her period is due.

This mirrors the creative process – at times we have high energy versus down times to incubate a project. Following her cycle will help her develop trust and respect for her body by paying attention to inner processes.

Feeling Safe: Let her know that her body is her own and that oral sex is sex.

“A girl needs to understand that her self-worth cannot be enhanced in any sustainable way by engaging in sexual activity with a partner who has only a physical connection with her.”

Tell her not to let herself be pressured to have sex just to gain status. “Girls may think they’re proving themselves the equals of boys by emulating them in their sexual behavior, ….[but] this culture values males more highly than females”. Our culture still treats females with loose sexual behaviour as ‘ho’s.

Oral sex is degrading for girls, since it is not usually reciprocal. Instead, it’s seen as a service girls provide for boys – what are they getting in return? Fleeting attention of a boy and an increased risk of STD’s. (The recent rise in STD’s among teens is due in part to increase in oral sex practices). The double standard is alive and well.

On the positive side, girls need to know healthy ways of dealing with sexual impulses.
They should not be taught to feel guilty about their sexual desires. Self-pleasuring is a safe and effective way for girls to deal with sexual energy, until a loving committed sexual relationship comes along. Orgasm is good for her bodily health and vitality. This same life force can also express itself in art, music, literature, scientific breakthroughs and doing good works.

Overview: What all Adolescent Girls need to know about Sex:

How to value themselves and their bodies, including their capacity for pleasure
The sexuality-spirituality connection of the feminine cycle
The facts about both male and female sexual anatomy
The facts about how to prevent pregnancy and protect oneself against sexually transmitted disease.

Some interesting statistics from a study in New Zealand:

The average age for first sexual intercourse was sixteen
54 % of women wish they had waited longer.
Curiosity was the main reason for virginity loss in 27 % of women and 35% of men.
7 % of women felt forced into their first experience.
15% of women were in love at the time.
10% of women and men admitted to being a little drunk at the time.
30% of women said the act was ‘on the spur of the moment’.

This certainly reflects my own teen-aged experience : lots of peer pressure, curiosity, fuelled by wanting to not be 'square', and a little too much alcohol. I highly recommend this book for every mother wanting to understand her relationship with her daughter.

Help your daughter be prepared. Arm her with knowledge, and if it's appropriate share your own stories with her.

nameste,
musemother

The true measure of success

(c) Free nature photos



Just got an email from Hay House promoting a book about success.

"Success is not about driving yourself harder; it is about letting go of what blocks your heart," writes Robert Holden, author of Success Intelligence.

In my on-going search for the best use of my talents, I have recently decided to offer a retreat for women called "Heart's Rest, The Power of Doing Nothing". My heart and soul have been telling me ever since I hit menopause that writing poetry and trying to get published in a literary environment was no longer fulfilling me. But I wasn't sure of the next step.

Today, I visited a new Yoga Space, called H-OM, near Montreal. Standing there in the middle of the wooden floor, basking in the reflective colours of red-orange on the walls (my favourite colour), I whispered to myself, This is what I want to do. This is where I want to be.

I am not a yoga teacher, nor do I want to be one. But I fervently want and need to rest, to create space for my heart and soul, to stretch and move my body to inspiring music, and do writing exercises that allow me to reach inside to where my authentic self lies and dialogue with me. And to share this with other women needing the same thing.

So, the path widens, or at least becomes a little clearer. I am finding Home.

There is one home, of course, that I carry with me, within me, and every time I flounder and look for direction, I can use the homing device that's built in to find my way back. To ground myself, get centered, find the comfort of peace inside. But to know what and where I want to manifest that peaceful feeling in the world is a big peace of my mid-life puzzle. It's all coming into place, and I remind myself once again, I am OK. I have everything I need.

It seems that little steps are all that is asked of me, or all that I ask of myself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stop and rest by the side of the path anytime I am confused. Sleep in, take a nap, trust that the path unfolding is the right one. That if my heart and mind are aligned, and my body is well taken care of, and the compass points towards Home, all is well.

My path is not in striving, nor in pushing myself harder towards some semblance of 'success'. The success I am looking for is the one that smacks of comfort, of being here now, of acceptance of myself exactly how I am in this moment. I am not a high diver, I am not an adventurous person or risk taker, but I can take small risks - small steps into the Unknown, and make success from the heart real.

Making the Unknown Known, my mission.

nameste,
jenn

Designed for joy

Someone told me, look within.
Someone showed me where to look.
Someone, a beautiful someone, makes sure I get lots of reminders
of my true design, true address of home.

To see video, Designed for Joy click: http://wordsofpeace.com/new.html

have a great day,
Jennifer

Nebulous thoughts and feelings

Middle of the night, sleepless (again!) and wildly thinking, thinking, thinking.

Ok, it was too much wine, a very rich dinner at a gala event, and my liver on overload that woke me up.

But the subject of my thoughts was something I am not sure I can put into words. I'm reading a book called The Heroine's Journey, which is awakening all kinds of recognition in me, about this quest or journey of finding wholeness.

For the longest time, underground or under my conscious awareness, there has been a desire to stop all outer influences, and spend time with myself. I imagined it as a white room, bare of colour and all distractions. A space to recover and discover who I am.

As a mother of two teenagers, one dog and two cats, living that way has not really been an option, but as I have described elsewhere on this blog, I do get time away as often as I can, on retreat or with my chorus, for a weekend or as long as 10 days, if I'm travelling afar.

But in spite of feeling satisfied with my surface life, underneath, this niggling feeling is still there, and in the middle of the night it returned. What if I could just shut off the outside world? what if I could take a sabbatical from being 'mom'? And what if I don't want to be a wife anymore either?

It's terrifying to consider this much change, and let me reassure friends and family reading this that I am not leaving my family. It's the roles I want to leave behind. I want to honour this call from within, this ever growing need to sever the connection with my 'servant self' as I want to call the part of me that puts everyone else's agendas first. Usually it's innocuous: a birthday party, a gala supper, a social event we've planned for, but over time, it bends me and shapes me into a person I'm not sure I want to be anymore.

My inner critic's voice is saying, but you can't cut off all ties, you can't live as if you are alone, you can't be selfish, the utmost mortal sin for a woman.

Something in me wants to let the wild in, let the spontaneous expression of my soul out. I don't know how, I don't know where it will lead me, but its discomfort is causing me to quest for time alone, to discover what I need. To be my own person, to be authentic, to be able to respond from within instead of relying on societal convention to guide my behaviour.

In my journal I wrote:

I am releasing old self-doubt. I am calling on self-confidence to help me move forward. I am a fox, invisible in my lair, observing the hunters on horseback as they search for me. I am a bat, hanging in this dark stillness, moist air cool and musty. Wings folded close together over my heart. Eyes closed, resting, restlessness fading, twitching eyelids, feet. Prayer-like, the way hands are folded at the heart. Dreaming a vision of what I want to be."

I remind myself, I am OK, I have everything I need. Release the need for struggle and suffering. Be well. Be well. be well.

And I continue to journey towards knowing.


nameste,
musemother

Anger and Menopause

Before having children, I was not aware of all the anger simmering inside. If it was ever provoked, it came out in tears. A situation at work or in a relationship could make me feel helpless, teary, overwhelmed, but not like hitting someone or yelling.

Once children came along the floodgates were opened. All kinds of emotions rose to the surface, comfortable happy giddy, or irritable, cranky and angry. Was it because of the hormone release in childbirth? was it because there were now vulnerable small people to take care of and I had no idea how to deal with their crying fits or tantrums? their obvious disregard for my needs? or simply because my own emotions were so raw from lack of sleep, nursing babies, being on call 24-7?

For whatever reason, it was always a shock to see my anger burst out, to find myself slamming cupboard doors, or needing to take a brisk walk around the block, get out of the house, let off steam. It felt even worse when I saw a white handprint on my 2 year old's red behind.

I needed to find out more about anger. I was part of a Babysitting Coop and Moms and tots group that welcomed speakers, so I found a psychologist to speak to us. She described anger as an iceberg, with sadness underneath the surface of the water. I saw a therapist at the university where I taught part-time and began to uncover the legacy of emotional hurts from childhood and the connection to mothering. A book was born along the way, "Little Mother".

A pattern emerged. It seemed that 3 days before menstruating, emotions were definitely peaking. As I grew closer to menopause, my episodes of PMS grew longer, more intense. I especially felt bad when I would blow up for no good reason, some small disregard of 'rules' or schedules by the children, now pre-teens. After one particular shrieking incident where I lost it completely, I began to see a family counsellor again, for help in dealing with my emotional overload. My father had just died and I was two years away from complete menopause.

Now, in reading about peri-menopause, I find references to anger as being a signal from our inner wisdom. I found another speaker on PMS, who also describes it in these terms, as an ally, a messenger, a loud voice that won't be shushed, uncovering the wounds and slights that I have shoved under the carpet the rest of the month. It's the way my inner self calls out for attention.

Instead of giving in to anger, or allowing it to control my relationships, I want to find out what is underneath these uncomfortable feelings, because although the outburts are less frequent, my children still receive the brunt of it, now that they are teens and mood swings are affecting all of us. Here is why it's important to act:

"Your emotions are your inner guidance system. Your thoughts, attitudes, beliefs have a most profound effect on your health", says Dr. Christiane Northrup. "Listen to your anger, discover the underlying issues and take action or it may turn inward and cause depression - a risk factor for heart disease, cancer and osteoporosis." (Wisdom of Menopause)

If I don't learn to speak up about what is bugging me, if I avoid conflict and confrontation and act like a people pleaser to keep harmony and balance in the household, if I allow myself to 'do too much for others', it always backfires and ends up exploding out of me anyway. Or I feel sad and not listened to, like I have no voice. This is no one's fault but mine. It estranges me from the people I want to be close to.

When I am courageous and say what I feel, when I stop hiding my real emotions from others, and simply state what I need in a non-threatening tone, I am surprised by the change this provokes in others. We find a closeness, a connection that is nourishing. It may be that my programming for serving others first gets in the way of my truth-speaking. Maybe I can let go of 'feeling selfish' about staying in bed one morning instead of getting up to make coffee and toast for fully grown people who know how to work the coffee machine and the toaster....

There are so many ways I want to practice being true to myself, allowing myself to feel what I feel. In this role of 'housewife' and mother that I am growing out of....in the perfectionist attitude that doesn't allow me to focus on my own work because I might be a bad mother....in the limiting belief that my joy, my expression of creativity is less important because it doesn't bring in as much money.

Menopause has taught me a lot about myself. It is the 'mother of all wake-up calls' as Dr. Northrup puts it. The emerging self is crying out for its own needs to be met. The solution is to learn to take better care of myself, find a balance between caring for others and caring for me.

"In truth, you are being urged, biologically, to pause from everyone - from mankind in general - in order to do important work on yourself.... [one of the most common feelings is] "the longing for time alone, for a refuge that provides peace, quiet and freedom from distractions and demands.

"Even if you can't charter a plane to a deserted island, odds are that if you acknowledge and validate your need for solitude then you can clear some time and find a private corner to which to retreat daily." [away from telephones, noise, interaction with others]

This has been my medicine for anger: to rock my soul, soothe my body and mind, with precious time alone. It's not just for the hermit in me, but a good practice.

nameste,
musemother

Mothering Your Self on Mother's Day

Dear woman reading this blog,

We can all celebrate Mother's Day this weekend, whether we are daughters or mothers. Whether you have physically birthed children or not, you probably mother others in some way. Maybe it's fellow employees at work, bringing them tea or coffee and a muffin. Maybe you give someone a shoulder massage when they're tense and uptight. Maybe you take the elderly woman next door a quart of milk and some eggs when you do your grocery shopping. Maybe you send someone's child home from school when they have a fever. Maybe you have three kids of your own, and need a sabbatical from mothering.

We all mother others in different ways. But this weekend, this day, how can you mother yourself?

This morning after the kids left, I made myself a one-hour mini-retreat with that theme in mind. I had a hot bath with lavender oil. I meditated, then lay on the floor and did some leg stretches, moved into downward dog, then rolled into happy baby pose down on the carpet. I stretched and yawned, feeling myself held and caressed by a loving presence. I wrote in my journal for two pages. Then I put on some Indian tabla and flute music and danced a little happy prayer of thanks dance.

You can make up your own self-care ritual; it doesn't have to be elaborate. It might involve doing something you hardly ever give yourself time for, like a mineral foot soak, or a special hair treatment. It might involve making yourself a healthy dinner with fresh green vegetables that your kids hate (asparagus, artichokes, green beans). Or lying on the floor in happy baby pose, rocking on your back and remembering that the universe is holding you up, you can trust in the power of love.

Whatever makes you remember that cherished, loved feeling, of I deserve love, do that.

Or follow the simple instructions below to practice the compassionate breath. Start by sitting, and inhale deeply. As you exhale, sigh out Aah. Take several long soothing breaths. Then with your hands one on top of the other over your heart, feel the drumbeat. Let youself become absorbed in the rhythm of its pulse.

As you connect to the energy of your heart, imagine it spreading across your arms, legs, torso and into your head.

Imagine the loving heart energy filling up every cell. As you inhale, gather loving heart energy into your heart and palms. With every exhale, let the energy spread to each and every cell.

Inhaling, collect this healing gift in your heart, As you exhale, allow it to radiate out and surround your body with its protective power. Feel it encompass your entire being, encircling your head, face, and neck all the way down to your sit bones.

Let it flood any part of your body that might feel uncomfortable, achy, tight .

From a deep inner smile, let a slight smile light your face.

When you feel complete return your hands to your lap. Notice the connection between yoour hands and loving heart even when they are not touching.

Inhale, exhale with a sigh, Aah. Repeat three more times.

Notice how you feel at this moment. Allow your eyes to open very slowly.

(taken from Yoga for your spiritual muscles, by Rachel Schaeffer )

Happy Mother's Day weekend,

Jennifer

Mother's Day Message

“It was a privilege to have children, it was not a right. The elders, the women, they used to determine even who could have children. Had abortion medicines. And if somebody was abusing a child, they took that child, and the women couldn’t have children anymore. They determined that.

Children are sacred, living treasures, gifts from the Great Spirit. You always treated them as if they didn’t belong to you; they belonged to the Creator.”
Betty Laverdure, Ojibway elder, found in A Woman’s Book of Life, Joan Borysenko

Like any rite of initiation or test of endurance, giving birth is a heroic act. It is physically and emotionally exhausting, yet leads to a joyful sense of well being once the alien inside has been delivered. In facing pain (with or without epidural), we step through a doorway into another world. And give birth not only to a new child, but also to ourselves as New Mothers.

"To be a mother is an absolute mystery, which is relative to nothing else, comparable to nothing else, it is an impossible task and yet, gets done even by ‘bad mothers.’"
translation of text from Les Filles de Demeter, Chantale Proulx

There is a spiritual dimension to giving birth, recognized since ancient times as part of the Great Mysteries, the Blood Mysteries, the mystery of the cycle of life. Even our body’s make-up and physiology supports an experience of something ‘beyond’ or ‘above’ us in bringing a bond to this new, vulnerable little being.

“A woman’s biology is specially crafted to produce pleasure, excitement and joy for her in the ancient dance of relationship…a biochemically sustained infatuation gives rise to strong spiritual expressions of inter-connectedness and deep communion.” A Woman’s Book of Life, Joan Borysenko.

And yet, often, the loneliness and lack of support, the lack of know-how, lack of sleep, and the demanding nature of the job can make us feel like we need a sabbatical from motherhood.
On this day of honour to Mothers, Mother’s Day, please write me with your thoughts on these questions:

What was the experience of becoming a mother like for you? What keeps you going? What support networks have you built for yourself to help you be a better Mom?

Remember how precious it is to be able to be a mother:

6.4 million American woman get pregnant a year
44% are intended (2.8 million); that leaves a majority due to failures in contraception.
4 million women give birth each year
1.6 million abortions/ 47% of women will have an abortion by age 45
7.5 million (13% of reproductive age) are infertile or have difficulty getting pregnant
2.3 million couples seek help with infertility

statistics taken from A Woman’s Book of Life, published 1996


nameste,
musemother

Mothering Daughters; Hormone Replacement

If you haven't gotten it already, here is an excerpt from Dr. Christiane Northrup's newsletter, Monthly Wisdom, about mothering daughters:

Having daughters is about the most joyful thing going. If you’re looking for resources for raising a daughter and enhancing your ability to parent, I have the following suggestions:
Mother-Daughter Wisdom, the book and the Mother-Daughter Wisdom DVD of my very popular PBS show.
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, the book and the movie.
A Time to Celebrate: A Celebration of a Girl's First Menstrual Period by Joan Morais.
Celebrating Girls: Nurturing and Empowering Our Daughters by Virginia Beane Rutter.
Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of her Body by Toni Weschler, MPH.
Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear by Pam Leo.
The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds, and Thrive Through Adolescence by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz.

for those of you in peri-menopause looking for an alternative to Hormone Therapy, Dr. Northrup has some information on bioidentical hormone replacement:

Seminar on Natural Hormones
I am happy to share with you an invitation to an educational audio Internet seminar hosted by the Center for Bioidentical Hormone Replacement (BHRT). The BHRT World Summit will help you understand how hormones can affect the health of your entire body, including your moods, sleep, and weight. Experts who have come together to impart science-based education to the public will also discuss ways to bring one’s hormones into balance. I highly recommend that you take advantage of this opportunity. Read for yourself about the BHRT World Summit by clicking here.


More on Mother's Day and what you can do to mother yourself, later this week.

take care
Musemother

Dreaming a vision of what I want to be

I feel good about myself.

I feel good about expressing myself creatively.

I am safe.

I am fulfilled in all that I do.

My potential is unlimited.

My thinking creates my experience. I use this key in every area.

I am a clear thinker.

I express myself with ease.

My unique gifts are appreciated by those around me.

It begins now.

I accept perfect health now.

to change negative thoughts:

That is an old thought. I no longer choose to think that way.

Replace it with a positive thought.

My thoughts are like a magnet, they attract what i want in my life.

I deserve the best.

I am ok. I have everything I need.

Everything is working out for my highest good.

I am worthy of my own love.

I stand on my own two feet.

I accept and use my power.

I willingly release any need for struggle or suffering.

I deserve all that is good.

I am neither too little or too much.

Today no person place or thing can irritate or annoy me. I choose

to be at peace.

I am a radiant being enjoying life to the fullest!

thanks to Louise Hay and her little book, I Can do it, for the affirmations.

Power of the Cycle - the power of doing nothing

How do you get in touch with the power of the cycle?
(Power in the sense of taking charge of one's life and asserting oneself)

Getting in touch with the power of menstruation mainly comes from what you don't do, according to Alexandra Pope, author of The Wild Genie.

We are used to struggling, setting goals, being heroines, but in this case, we must face into what we experience and embody it. "If you are willing to court the rhythmical life of your body you are given access to something Other than happens naturally. And the very act of courting the inner life of your body itself builds an inner sweetness, surety and dignity - a spirit of sovereign authority that is priceless." From The Woman's Quest, Alexandra Pope.

Sounds good, you say, how do I do that? It's mostly about slowing down, practicing surrender, and paying attention to your cycle by keeping track of it in a journal.

It's much easier to pop a painkiller, but menstruation is not supposed to hurt! I have heard this from many sources, and yesterday my homeopath said the same thing. If it hurts, it's a signal you need to pay attention to.

Pope uses 13 allies in her Quest workbook to help women get in touch with their reality around the cycle. Remember, this is technique-less, so there is nothing to 'do', just alot to be learned by observation and stillness, staying close to your center.

When I had aching menstrual cycles, the best advice I ever received was to go into the pain, feel my way into the belly, not try and escape it or deny it. For me, the best place on the first day was in my bed, with a hot water bottle, or warm comforter, and sleep. And feeling my way, meant I exited on the other side, feeling less achey, less fearful and tense.

"A deep process of awareness, the first task is to get to know your cycle." This is also useful for contraception purposes - you need to know when you ovulate and when you menstruate, and believe it or not, the first calendars were invented by women for this very purpose.

It feels empowering to know where you are in your cycle, and if you look up at the moon, you will discover how close you are to a pattern of fullness, waning and waxing in the universe. you will begin to recognize the shifts of mood and feeling, see the patterns in your dream life, and also, by charting your cycle, says Pope, you build self-acceptance and an intimacy with yourself over time.

Women have ignored, denied, and bullied their way through the menstrual time for hundreds, if not thousands of years, due to the denigration and fear of female processes by men. It is more than time that we reclaim this power, this unique connecton to our inner healing and physical healing.

"Allow yourself a dose of the thirteen allies - silence, solitude, stillness, surrender, simplicity, slowness, softness, self-interest, serenity, sanctuary, sacred, support and sleep however small, as you come into and during menstruation." And if you want to learn more, check out http://www.wildgenie.com/ for more information on this workbook.

top of the morning to you,
musemother

Synchronicities and Trusting the Present

This is my new mantra: I am OK. I have everything I need.

First I read it in a little book of affirmations by Louise Hay, I Can Do It. The same clairvoyant my friend saw had told me to look up Hay's books.

The next time I heard the message was at a Woman's Circle meeting with Andrea Pinto, who teaches yoga near here. She gave a talk about higher consciousness, meditation, and then did a visualisation exercise. As I closed my eyes and followed her instructions, I came down a spiral staircase to a wooden door. Inside the room, was a telephone table and inside the drawer was a message for me: I am OK, I have everything I need.

A few weeks went by with me remembering occasionally to repeat this mantra to myself; in the spirit of the Secret, and the Law of Attraction, I am moving out of negative thinking patterns and into an attitude of gratitude. Last weekend, I attended a workshop at Kripalu, in Massachusetts, with some wonderful facilitators helping us to create transformative workshops of our own. One of the information sheets was called, The Practice of Being, and gave instructions on how to breathe into the moment, bring all your attention to the body sensations, feelings and just be a witness, observing with compassion and acceptance as energy moves through us.

It's perhaps all about trust. A new way of being for me. To allow insights and knowing to come into being on their own instead of figuring things out. Got a chance to practice that the next day, at a local high school, as I lead a poetry workshop with 2 classes of Grade 10 students, ("too cool for school" is how the teacher put it). Hmmm, could we start with just being? with breathing in and out to wake up our feeling senses? it worked wonderfully. I am OK, in spite of being nervous, I have everything I need.

In an art class this last week, our teacher and guide, Kate, urged us to use our intuition, not to think too much, just put pastel crayon to paper and let go. Let the fun of colouring come back in, just like it used to when we were little and open to our imaginations. Before we learned the anxiety of pleasing others and comparing ourself to everyone else. We were all nervous, giggling and convinced our 'artwork' was no good. We needed a lot of pats on the back to believe: I am OK, and I have everything I need.

Yesterday, I was at a church service to hear a friend perform two songs. And wouldn't you know it, my mantra showed up there too. The minister used the psalm, the Lord is my Shepherd as the basis for his text, and asked us to respond whenever he said, The Lord is my Shepherd, with "I have everything I need" (another way of saying, I shall not want, the King James version).

I had to laugh, not having been in a church for years, and never having been to a Presbyterian service, that the message of being in the present moment was part of his sermon too. He quoted C.S. Lewis who said being in the present moment is the best way to experience eternity. At the end of the service, a woman got up to offer yoga and meditation classes in the Church annex. So many reminders, so many signposts along the way.

Just for today, I remind myself: I am OK. I have everything I need.

nameste,
musemother

Kindness and compassion in mid-life

Kindness and compassion for myself? I'm good to myself, usually. I eat well, go to bed early, do yoga once a week, have even been known to get a massage once every six months....

A friend of mine, aged 49, consulted a woman who works with guides and angels for advice on her life. It was suggested that she needed to be kinder to herself. That left her perplexed. A therapist several years ago told me the same thing. It appears I was good at being strong, at carrying on, at taking on burdens that were not my own....at being responsible for everyone else except myself. Aching in the shoulders that was so bad I needed a heating pad to sleep at night was my first clue that I was carrying too much.

After working on the physical pain with physiotherapy, acupuncture and osteopathy, I began to untangle the emotional ingredients of my 'burden of responsibility'. My journey to healing through self-care has been a bit slow, but it is paying off. I am learning ways to be kind to myself, starting with getting the proper healing treatments. But mostly, I am working with the mind set that got me there.... a life time of perfectionism, and striving to be number one. (being eldest daughter in a family of eight, and 'little mother's helper' geared me up for it, and also striving to please my father with academic success). The trouble is, when I am harsh on myself, I am unforgiving with others close to me also.

How to undo the mind set? First off, I have tried to absorb the wisdom my therapist gave me in three little words. "I am enough". She questioned why I was giving away all my time to volunteer efforts and other people's projects and incapable of sticking to a creative project of my own. She made me look at how I strive to please others with 'good behavior', and constantly need outside approval. Five years later, I am still practising that mantra, I am enough, and still disengaging from too many volunteer projects. The feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed is often the product of saying Yes when I really mean NO.

How do I take care of myself? good question, and a good reminder to me to do something nice for me today. This week I asked my daughter to cook on a night when I wasn't going to have time before chorus rehearsal. I gave myself one morning off to do some creative loafing and dreaming with my journal. I went to bed at 9 pm one night after two nights late nights. I snuggled with my hubbie and watched a movie last night. He cooked me breakfast and made my cafe au lait this morning.....I want to book a pedicure this week to let my feet know I haven't forgotten about them. I tried a new yoga class and walked there in the sunshine. Oh yeah, and my women's circle brought me to an art class where I coloured with pastels and got in touch with my inner scribbler.

I know there is more I could do, affirmations to help me believe in myself, to attract joy in my life.

How can you be kinder to yourself today? this week? It may involve slowing down the pace, reducing your 'to do' list by only one or two items instead of trying to tackle the whole list. Or it may involve sitting down to eat a meal without interruptions, paying attention to the savouring and enjoyment of nourishing food.

Got a tip for mid-life women and self-care? leave a comment,
we can all benefit,

nameste,
musemother

Leaving Home

“It’s an old tendency of humans to leave home and strike out across a frontier that beckons as a zone of magic, mysticism, inspiration and holy conversion. When we are at loose ends emotionally we tend to set out on a symbolic journey into unfamiliar territory where newly aroused senses allow us to feel vigilant and reborn. In part this is based on the intuition that to change one’s self one must relinquish all that is known and habitual, cast off from the shore of one’s home and the endearing familiarity of everyday life, whose moods and manners one comes to know like an old friend. …we do not always travel to escape our circumstances but to find ourselves. Why must we do that in a foreign place, having become foreign to our past.

...The wilderness may be an actual frontier fraught with danger, or it may be a wilderness of doubt.

from Cultivating Delight, Diane Ackerman

Sometimes people travel to lose themselves, some people travel to find something they've lost, a nostalgia for their childhood town, or a sense of who they once were in younger years. Some people strike out alone, others in groups.

For myself, my mid-life quest or peri-menopausal quest, has taken me from Australia to India, from Panama to Massachusetts, from Vancouver Island to New Mexico. At least once a year, and often twice, I leave my kids in the capable hands of a caretaker plus my husband (or in recent years, up to their own devices) and go on retreat.

Sometimes it's a long journey amidst a group of fellow seekers, sometimes it's a lone ride in a rental car through the desert. Sometimes it involves camping on a natural reserve on the other side of the world and dealing with jet lag as I meditate amongst the Kookaburras, sometimes it's singing with 45 other women in a convent just south-east of Montreal and sleeping in a tiny room.

The important thing is, I get away by myself. That is, without family to take care of. I take some needed time out, because a year-long sabbatical is out of the question until the kids leave home. I'm used to working alone in my home office, typing away at my laptop, but it's not just solitude I'm looking for. It's the mystical sense of finding 'me' when I remove myself from my habits, my daily routines, my ruts, and plunk myself somewhere new, either in a workshop or retreat, and ask questions of where I am, what I'm doing, what I want to do.

The answers have been slow in coming. Sometimes it's about rooting deeper into my essence. Or jumping fully dressed into a swimming pool at midnight. But it always involves a challenge. Driving into a lightning storm on the desert roads of New Mexico with 2 newly found friends was dangerous, exciting and felt like crossing the fear-barrier inside me. Waking up to coyotes howling every night in a pitch dark adobe dwelling was breaking part of the fear-barrier too. Sitting in front of a blank page, facing the sacred Taos Mountain, waiting for a sign about what my work would be, or should be, or what project called to me, I faced the fear inside. Maybe nothing would come out of it. Maybe I had to stall this project of calling myself a writer and go back home empty-handed.

The answers are rolling in, now, slowly but surely. As I continue to learn, read, study, follow my natural inclination towards researching menstruation and menopause, I am finding my subject, or it is finding me.

I continue to quest. I invite you to read some of the entries on this blog, for pieces of my journey. Perhaps they resonate with your pieces. Or not. We each have a quest, and I believe that menopause is a fantastic opportunity for self-knowledge, self-awareness.

So leave home, if need be, as often as you can. And return. With something new you've learned about you.

nameste,
musemother

Opening to Dream time or Liminal Spaces

For ages and ages, women have, by the very nature of their cycles and connection to the moon, enjoyed a special connection to dream time or inner sight.

I believe that the greatest damage we do to ourselves is not allow for enough down time, rest time or dream time, especially around our menstrual cycles. How many women even know when they are going to menstruate? We are so out of touch, we need a calendar to remind us, and we forget to look at where the moon is in the sky. Do you ovulate at the full moon? do you menstruate at the full moon? try getting in touch with where you are in the cycle, and maybe you will open the door to getting in touch with your 'inner dreamer' or inner guidance system.

Alexandra Pope has this to say about the liminal time:

"Liminal spaces are windows of opportunity, a way of liberating our thinking, a place of dreaming, a time for magic, a place to garner soul food and guidance for our life. A place to collect ourselves. It's where we step out of the world, out of our mundane life, into a kind of in between territory. No longer confined by the material world, it's a place where we can travel into the farthest reaches of our selves and the universe.

When a woman moves from one part of her cycle to another she's crossing thresholds: transitional moments she must pass through as she moves from one phase of the cycle to another. Some of these transitions will feel slight, a momentary dip in feeling or rise in energy, sometimes a pain as ovulation occurs. For other women the post ovulation phase can feel intense, not unlike what many experience coming into menstruation itself - the premenstrual angst.

....a woman often thinks she's stupid or clumsy at the premenstruum because she's dreamier, less clear in her thinking and behaves in apparently illogical ways. She's not less intelligent - her intelligence is simply operating in a different way. ...women multi-channel at this time, the way mothers do all the time, operating on many different levels all at once."

She suggests that maybe in the premenstrual phase, we are just 'in between' - neither one role or another - we become more open to the unseen. We can't hold things in, or repress our feelings. All kinds of socially unacceptable sides of ourselves get liberated - like in the time between dreaming and waking, we're not quite sure where we are, vulnerable, and open to the unconscious.

And if during this time you also have PMS or symptoms of discomfort, it's time to pay attention: "Menstrual problems, whether unpredictable moods, pain, fatigue, endometriosis or fibroids, are signaling some overall health difficulty." Your cycle is signalling a problem through its increased sensitivity at that time, not causing the problem.

Wise women slow down and listen to their cycles and stay open to the liminal space, the place of learning and self-growth. You are your own best 'thermometer'. Stay close to the symptoms and ask the deep questions. Use this time as an initiation into yourself, and be willing to explore the inner labyrinth.

What is it you most want to do, or need to receive at this time?

Remember that dreams can be healing, and get lots of rest. "Accommodate the dreaminess", says Alexandra. "Slow down and allow your curiosity to extend your vision of the world. Dreaminess softens the boundaries between our inner life and the outer world, opening us to surprising discoveries." And if you're operating machinery, give yourself frequent short breaks.

Some advice taken from The Wild Genie, by Alexandra Pope, sub titled, The Healing Power of Menstruation.

enjoy the day,
musemother

Who You Are

Who you are is so much more
Than what you do. The essence
Shining through heart, soul and
Center, the bare and bold truth
Of you does not lie in your
To-do list. You are not just
At the surface of your skin, not
Just the impulse to arrange the
Muscles of your face into a smile
Or a frown, not just boundless
Energy, or bone wearying fatigue.
Delve deeper. You are divinity;
The vast and open sky of Spirit
It’s the light of God, the ember
At your core, the passion and the
Presence, the timeless, deathless
Essence of you that reaches out
And touches me. Who you are
Transcends fear and turns
Suffering into liberation
Who you are is love.

Donna Faulds
From Go In and In,

Poems from the Heart of Yoga

Poem for Saturday because it's still snowing here

Drop down into my spider self,
Where the thin tenuous thread
of attention’s tension uncoils, returns.
Let down the rope, thud--
Creak – into a round stone well, damp smell of water
Lower my seeing sense and soften the hearing
(listening, listening)
into silence - under breath, sometimes awake in the night
no sound
but a shrill, cricket-like noise in my ear,
no, more like Mira described: bracelets tinkling
on the ankles of an ant.
That fine-tuned.
Isn’t it my impatience fences me out?

And what of spiders, their delicate legs and slow
descent from the ceiling to where I live, down here?
Why does it frighten me so, to live at the core of this
listening presence?

Or am I just being clever with metaphor – that impulse
keeps me on the surface, when the water I am thirsty for,
lies deeper…Shh, quiet –

Thoughts slow down, I pay attention,
So careful now not to miss a thing – it’s not
what I tell myself in words – the thing is smaller,
finer that that – I am without sleep, and guidance
comes walking in the door,
I read – ‘poetry as being there’--
Ping! Quest, isn’t it?
Hmm, a life puzzle or maze
unsolved day-by-day, turning corners, sniffing my way
by intuition, even if the mouse doesn’t see the cheese, another sense
tells her it is there – close your eyes, feeling will guide you,
trust the spider sense,
in the tea kettle voice of your alarm
Or the softened touch, pillow soft tears –

Love of words has taken me this far – can I let them go, now?
Who speaks, who listens? No, feels.
Ego crunches underfoot --mask fallen, paper mache facsimile of me
Stepped on! Ouch, then smiles under tears.

Broken.
Open.

Mothering Teen Daughters

In her book Mother-Daughter Wisdom, Dr Christiane Northrup talks about The School of Friendship or how adolescent girls manage their emotions.

It seems like the minefield of high school and nastiness from girlfriends can make being a teenaged girl feel like being a contestant on Survivor. Am I going to be voted out today, or can I still play the game?

Northrup suggests that brain development and hormonal changes bring up "raw uncensored emotions" like anger or hostility. There is no difference between what an adult feels and an adolescent, it's just that they haven't learned to censor them yet or cover them up with food, alcohol or marijuana. Unacceptable feelings also get hidden in the body and come up as illness.

"Adolescence is a small window in time in which an entire peer group -- all of whom are going through huge physical and emotional changes at slightly different rates-- is thrown together in school to learn the social and vocational skills they will be applying throughout their lives. This process started in childhood, of course. But now, the addition of hormonal urges and sexuality make things much more intense. (just like animals in the wild, they pick on people who are different, through herd behavior). "some of it, however, is attributable to the culture we live in."

"I believe adolescent female nastiness is a natural consequence of growing up in a patriarchal society in which a girl's needs for self-development have not been taken seriously until fairly recently. In hierarchical social structures like patriarchy, it has been observed that those with the lowest status tend to fight amongst themselves for the attention of those who have more power than they do. Alice Walker once remarked that the slaveowners knew very well how to keep the slaves in their places -- just keep them fighting amongst themselves. ...Likewise, if we as mothers and women continue to believe that adolescent girls are just naturally nasty, moody and difficult, then we cannot be of much help to them as they negotiate this critical entrance into the adult world of expanded self-expression and creativity."

(and if we haven't worked on our own stuff, how can we guide them past the places where they get stuck?)

Mother-Daughter Wisdom, Dr. Christiane Northrup

Maybe we shouldn't pressure our daughters to be 'nice' all the time. Maybe the indirect back-stabbing and gossipping comes from not being encouraged to speak up. Maybe we should teach our daughters to name this behavior: shunning girls who don't fit in, making fun of girls with the 'wrong' clothing or hairdo's, talking behind girls' backs, etc. Stop the hurtful behaviour one girl at a time, one mother at a time. "That's how a culture changes." (adapted from Northrup's chapter on friendship)

See Northrup's book for some tips on how to help your daughter negotiate girlfighting (validate your daughter's experience; update your own views; point out the real motivation behind the Queen bees of the world; accept your daughter's humanity and that you may not be able to remove the influence of the queen; don't allow your daughter to take it out on you; keep talking and keep your ear to the ground; be her mother, not her best friend; acknowledge and support your daughter's innate ability to deal with her own life).

So, mothers and daughters, express yourselves with love and joy. Speak up and be willing to grow wise.

this wisdom for mothers book is a real treasure, and too lengthy to quote more from,
so I recommend you read it for yourself,

musemother

winter and flu time

everyone I know has or has had the flu. everyone's kids,except mine, with high fevers and coughs.

I suffered through it last week, for four days, and then, lo, the fever lifted and the headache disappeared that had kept my head in a vice.

when you're sick, nothing else matters.

you do whatever it takes to get over the 'bug'. rest, drink tea, hot lemon and honey, ginger tea, echinicea and golden seal, oil of oregano, gelsimium, whatever remedies like chicken soup have been passed down, garlic, cayenne and honey, you take it all,

but the flu lasts the number of days it's going to last

the hot tea helps, sleeping helps, and staying indoors

I'm finally better, and off to sing this weekend with the Sweet Adelines and a coach, at a convent in Chateauguay....

hope those who can, will jump out and go skiing in this beautiful winter weather

and remember, if you're sick, to lay low, do less, don't push yourself :)

if there is anything I have been up against this week, it's the guilt of 'busy' people who want to run right over their illness and keep on going, keep working, studying, singing, whatever.

Don't let the pushy people get to you,

rest,
luv
musemom

The woman without hands

"The woman without hands spoke to me about a life severed from the power to grasp one's deep life as woman, to hold onto one's inherent power. One day that summer while browsing in a small shop, I happened upon an illustration of the Virgin Mary drawn in detail except for one thing. She had no hands.

As I looked at the print, I realized that over the long course of church history, Mary had been the closest thing Christianity had to an archetype of the Feminine Divine. for many she filled the vacuum in the divine image and came to represent the feminine 'side'. She was referred to as Queen of Heaven, Lady All Holy, Sovereign Mistress of the World."

from The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, Sue Monk Kidd

A woman's journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine

musemother

Interview with Bella, Part 3 Power in the Passage

Part 3

Musemother: Do you think women who are not yet mothers should hear our birth stories? Or is it part of the rite of passage to ‘not know’? Some women are afraid to give birth after they hear the particular challenges in childbirth, tearings and rippings and long painful labours. What do you think? And what do we tell our daughters?

Bella: I think there is a time and place for women who have not given birth to hear birth stories. Though they will not truly “know” as in initiation, they can serve as a way of opening possibilities for all the varied ways of giving birth. To tell our daughters and sisters and friends our own birth story is to honor the connection of all birthing women everywhere, that we do not do this alone. Every birth is unique and it is also true that we can find strength and support in knowing that as we birth, so too have the women who came before us and so are the women all over the world birthing with us as well. This holds much power for some women.

Perhaps the question then becomes, not if, but how. Different cultures have different traditions. Here in America at least we seem to have a tradition of recounting horror stories to women at their own baby shower. Along with presents and cake and punch, we tell bits and pieces of our own birth stories and those of our friends and neighbors and they are likely to include a level of warning or danger or misery. The woman who labored for 72 hours or who tore so bad she never really recovered or had a mean doctor or had the baby in the car. Or stories our told about orgasmic births and the underlying message is that if only this woman will give birth the “right” way, she too will have such an experience. It is disconcerting to say the least.

So, how do we tell our birth stories to the women in our lives in a way that does not set out a certain way they must give birth or a way that threatens them with everything that could wrong, but rather offers women a glimpse behind the mystery of childbirth? I would offer that birth stories be shared as a hero’s journey, as I wrote of above. When we tell women birth stories in this way, we are not telling them how to do it or not do it, nor are we saying it is such a complete unknown all she can do is be afraid and wait. We are rather saying, “Here is the labyrinth I walked, the journey I embarked upon. It is sacred and it is personal. May you find here and take from my words what will serve YOU, as you walk your own path, cross the threshold of your own labyrinth, and in doing so join all the women walk not for you but with you.”

Musemother: I experienced pregnancy and childbirth as a great awakening. I did not always want to be a mother, having been little mother to seven younger siblings. However, once out of the labor and childbirth with my son, I wanted to crow to the world! And nominate every one of my sisters-in-law for sainthood, in fact every woman who had given birth. How would you describe the spiritual aspect of birth as a rite of passage?

Bella: I think I have touched upon this in some of the other questions.
I will say here, that what Spirit and even spiritual, means is very different for different women. For some women giving birth is a deeply spiritual experience and they would describe it as such. For some women their faith in a god or higher power plays a large role in their experience of birth and offers support and strength. As a doula, I have come to hold deep respect for the many faith traditions that guide a woman in labor and childbirth. And I have come to experience even that nameless sense of spirit. My work with women is to explore what spirit means to them and to explore ways this might bring power and comfort and meaning to their experience. And yet, some women are not comfortable with such terminology and shy away from birth as spiritual experience. I honor this as well.

My own personal feelings are that birth has a spiritual aspect and yet not always in the ways that this word is assumed to mean. For example, a home birth is not more “spiritual” than a hospital birth, a vaginal need not be more “spiritual” than a cesarean birth. “Spiritual” need not be divided from the earthly matter of blood and the body. A spiritual birth is not one in which a woman transcends such things but rather these very elements of labor and childbirth become the means through which she herself is born. This is a return to a more Feminine way of viewing spirituality. It is not about transcendence towards the sky, but a descent into the earth where life begins.

At its core I would say that birth is spiritual in that it is a transformation. A woman is still herself once she has given birth and yet she has also become entirely new. She has become the bearer of life. Whatever one’s personal feelings and beliefs are about Spirit and spirituality, that we can as women grow and birth life takes us beyond the realm of our understanding and into the terrain of mystery.

Musemother: It seems there is a very loving and accepting way of accompanying a woman in labour and childbirth being described by Pam England and on your web site. How can one reestablish a sense of the sacred in women’s bodies? It seems that we are so far away from ourselves and far away from trusting our bodies. So much complaining during pregnancy, so much fear surrounding childbirth.

Bella: As a doula, accompanying women in childbirth, my work is not to show her the way. It is not within my realm or power to reestablish for another woman a sense of the sacredness in women’s bodies, namely her own. This being said, many women who are pregnant and preparing for birth begin to ask themselves these very questions. They do not feel they trust their body and do not know how. They feel disconnected from that part of themselves that they sense will be needed to give birth. And so such matters are often explored together.

Perhaps we are not so far away from ourselves as we feel. We are always here, living in our bodies. Though we may feel we do not “know” our bodies, they remain present. So, perhaps the question then becomes, how do I listen to my body that is already present and communicating with me? How each woman goes about this will be different. Pregnancy itself can be a time of awakening where we learn to listen to subtle changes and shifts, feel our baby move inside of us, feel tethered to the earth in our bodies that seem to take over and do their own thing. This experience of feeling more fully “in” our bodies during pregnancy can ripple out way beyond the weeks of gestation.

It is also worth exploring what we mean when we say we should trust our bodies. To be unsure of yourself and your body is normal. Many women who claim to trust their bodies and therefore have nothing to worry about, assume that trusting their bodies means their birth will unfold they way they want. That if they trust their bodies they will birth vaginally or without interventions or in water or at home. If these things do not happen then the message becomes their body has failed them. There is an environment of guilt and shame over the body that women breathe in every day. And every time we tell a woman that if she trust her body she will be promised a certain outcome, that if she does enough prenatal yoga she will receive the birth she has planned, we feed the judge and activate the victim. It is not her body that is the problem but the voice within her that is making judgment over what her body has done or failed to do.

What are we trusting when we say we are or want to trust our bodies?

Perhaps our bodies are sacred in part because of their vulnerability. We are both remarkably resilient creatures and also our bodies will at some point, whether in childbirth or at a different time, break down or not do what we want. When trusting the body comes to mean believing the body is more than human, we can unconsciously breed distrust.

Trust is not to be confused with control. We do not control birth. We can influence it and work with it, but we do not control it. When trusting our bodies comes to mean if you only trust your body you will control how your birth goes, we can so quickly become rigid. And birth requires surrender, yielding, letting go. We soften as our cervix softens and thins, expand as our body expands to push a baby out. Giving birth is about opening and it is difficult to open when we are set on controlling outcome.

So perhaps trusting our body is to trust that our bodies will and do speak to us, even if it is not what we want to hear. That our body carriers such wisdom and compassion in its intricate ways of seeking life. That while our body is giving birth it is not the only factor influencing the birth. Given all the factors, those seen and unseen that are playing out in childbirth, we can trust our bodies to respond and communicate to us that which is needed in any given situation. I believe women want to trust themselves, not so much that their bodies will perform on command, but that whatever happens she will not abandon herself but remain present to herself. To know that you were fully present for yourself without judgment, doing whatever you needed to do in any given moment, is to nurture trust, which is another way of saying love.

Musemother: How does a woman reestablish contact between her self and her own inner knowing so she can experience birth as a rite of passage, a spiritual journey? Are there steps a woman can take to begin?

Bella: Come to my class. In all seriousness, there are many processes I do with parents in my classes and my doula clients, many of which I learned in my training with Birthing From Within, and they are too involved to write here. The book and Keepsake Journal explore many of them and do not require one be in a class.

Exploring her own deepest question is a place to begin. What does SHE need to know to give birth? This can then offer a guide for her, an avenue for exploring her own needs and fears, her assumptions about birth and from where she will find what is required to birth her baby.

I also encourage women to look at how they are already living their lives. This will tell them how they will give birth. A woman’s own inner knowing is not reserved for only momentous experiences. How does she make decisions in her daily life? How does she cope when things are difficult or painful or not as expected? What does she find to be of comfort and from where does she call for strength? Look no further then your pregnancy, then now. How did you know you were pregnant? From where does this knowing arise? How did you choose your care provider? And how did you know this was the choice for you? When a woman can begin to see that she already does know, finding her own knowing is not a quest for something out there but rather calling upon that which is fully present in her even now.

Musemother: What would you say to a woman who was unsure of herself and nervous about the coming birth?

Bella: I would say Welcome. Of course you are unsure of yourself and nervous. You’ve never done this before. And even if you have given birth before, you never given birth to this baby. It is always new. And as such, an unknown.
Our fear is not the enemy. And telling ourselves to not be afraid only pushes it underground where it grows and acts out unconsciously. Pam England has said the worry is the work of pregnancy. It can motivate us to learn things we may need to know. It can also invite us to explore our own beliefs about ourselves.

A great many fears are not as much about the thing itself, but about what we think it would mean about ourselves. That if we have to be induced we have failed. That if we have an epidural we are not strong. That if we freak out and lose control we are crazy and others will disapprove of us. So, by exploring these fears we get to hear our own negative beliefs about ourselves and offer them compassion. The judgments are not “bad”. They are simply the way we have learned to protect ourselves. And yet, the words of this judgment are not truth. When we can embrace that we are, always, enough, we begin to mother ourselves. The Mother awakened, we are now living ourselves that which we have to offer our baby.

The thing we fear may or may not happen. But it need not have the power to tell us who we are or are not.

Musemother: What has been the greatest lesson for you from working as a doula with birthing mothers?

Bella: That there is no right way to give birth, to mother. I have seen birth unfold in so many ways, in so many environments and situations and the things that one might think would create for the “perfect” birth do not play such a big factor in determining a woman’s satisfaction and feelings of power in childbirth. There is simply no right way. Women are amazingly powerful and what this looks like is new every time.

And as a doula, it is not my job to make anything happen or to promise any outcome. There are doula who claim this. I am not one of them. My gift is to hold the space as sacred and to bear witness to your own unfolding, to be a face that sees and is nothing more or less then fully present. This is your birth. I cannot do it for you. No one can. You alone must birth this baby, make this descent, enter this labyrinth. You are the warrior here, the hero. And you are not alone. In your moment of fear I will sit with you. In your moment of triumph, I will sit with you. And when, after it is all over and you are trying to unravel the many layers of what took place, I will be here. I will sit with you and welcome you into your own knowing, your mother self, your rite of passage in which you have been in your own way, transformed. --END--

Thanks to you, Bella, for enlightening us on your work, and on the value of Birthing from Within, even for us menopausal women, who are busy birthing our new selves, going through this descent into the labyrinth.

namaste,
musemother

Interview with Bella, part two Birthing Ourselves

see also http://beyondthemap.blogspot.com/ Bella's blog



Musemother: Pam England describes the woman giving birth or heroine’s journey as a “descent into the unconscious and the Dark Feminine”. Can you tell me what you think this means?


Bella: Pam England has a wonderful journal on Inanna’s descent which speaks to this, and I highly recommend it. She leads workshops on this as well. Though I cannot speak for her, I have learned much from her and have explored this aspect of birth and women’s ways of knowing through many avenues.


The Dark Feminine is that which is hidden in the shadows, those parts of self we have silenced or ignored. Our shadow sister may be aspects of self we find unattractive or unpresentable, and are likely those energies within us that do not fit with the image of ourselves that with which we are most comfortable. They are different for each woman. For one, it may be that she requires herself to be sweet and good and fears that part of herself which is angry or defiant or impatient. For another woman it may be her vulnerability that she has denied. She may be highly competent and efficient, capable of asserting herself and being in charge and she has submerged that part of herself that needs to lose control and come unhinged, that which is messy and wild. What makes the Dark Feminine dark is not what is found there in and of itself, but that it has been banished to the underworld and not been invited into our consciousness.


Giving birth is a descent. We abandon old ideas of ourselves and call upon all our resources. We find we must give up things, even those we cherished or thought of as requirements. The very nature of active labor and particularly what is called transition is a state of primal and unconscious work. There is a hormone haze that takes over and a woman is not using that part of her brain which can articulate or think things through. She is accessing the right side of the brain, where her knowing is more instinctual and she is following her body rather then directing it. For every woman there comes a time in her labor when she must cross a gate of great doubt. It may be in the beginning when contractions start and she feels terrified. It may be right before she pushes her baby out. It may be when she chooses to have a cesarean birth. But in this moment, she fears she cannot do what she needs to do. And yet, she does.



It is very often in this moment that she meets the Dark Feminine in herself and must call upon and welcome that which she has found unacceptable. So she finds herself moaning and crying and losing it. Or she finds herself using her voice and telling everyone to leave her alone even though she is not being “nice”. Her own inner judge was the one telling her she could not be these things. And yet, they are what is required to birth her baby. So she metaphorically dies to the old divided self and claims her shadow sister as part of her.


It is not good or bad. Such categories have dissolved. It is love in both its light and dark and the power of claiming herself and owning her full power. It is the work of our conscious self to harness our instincts, to integrate our many faces and to live with compassion and strength. And yet we cannot integrate that which remains hidden in darkness. Giving birth can invite us to descend, to meet our shadow sister and know her as our very selves.


Musemother: What rituals, if any, can help a woman prepare for her own heroine’s journey? And what role does her husband or partner play in all of this?


Bella: I share many different ideas for rituals in my classes. However, I cannot take credit for them. For a great starting place I recommend the book Birthing From Within along with The Keepsake Journal that accompanies it. Mother Rising by Cortland, Lucke and Miller Watelet is also a wonderful resource.


One thing I will note is that there is benefit in having ritual for the mother, the partner and for them together. The birthing mother’s partner, whether he be the father or another mother have their own experiences. Though not giving birth they are being birthed as new parents. They are more than “coaches”; they are parents engaging their own rite of passage. And ritual can offer a means for honoring this.


Ritual can be a catalyst for consciously engaging that which is beyond the realm of what we can know or really plan for. While some women choose to have more formal ceremony or ritual, anything can become a ritual when we bring our intention to it and mark the space as sacred.


Musemother: “ But to complete the heroine’s journey, the hero must answer the last Call. She must integrate the clarity and power she went into the journey to find. That is not enough—she must also bring it back to the world in a form so that it can be a gift to others. Perhaps it manifests as words, images, or some other way. What she has gained she must give to others.
Remember, the hero made the journey, not for herself, but for others.

From Birthing from Within, Pam England, her web site.


What do you think the gift of childbirth that can be shared with others is? (from quote above)


Bella: The gift that each woman has to offer from her journey is unique. No birth is the same and so whatever it is a woman discovers in her process, it is her own offering, her wisdom and beauty, her gift.


If there is a gift of childbirth, beyond that of the unique gifts each woman possesses and offers, perhaps it is that it holds within it an offering of what it means to birth anything in this life, whether that be babies or words or paintings or relationships or new ways of understanding. We can learn from the quiet receptiveness of a pregnant woman, the gestation that takes place in darkness, in the womb. A woman may do certain things or abstain from certain things to encourage the life growing inside her. But she does not really grow it herself. All on its own it grows. In childbirth, much of the work involved is not in “doing” but in surrendering to what wants to be born from us. We follow more then lead. And yet this is not a helpless state, a powerless way of being. For life itself is coming through us.


As we look at other areas in our life, those things that are seeking to be born, we might learn from the hidden nature of life taking root, of the yielding required in childbirth, of the power in letting life do what it wants to do, which is be born and live.


Musemother: In each journaling class I have lead, we have a class where we share our birth stories. Some women relish telling every detail; some would rather forget. Is that part of the journey, the retelling?


Bella: Having a safe place in which to tell our birth stories is a part of the journey itself. It can be one of the ways we mark the Return or Ascent in our journeys. Women often recount the physical particulars of what happened and yet we also need a place to share our birth stories as the hero’s journey and awakening of the Mother, and to have them honored as such.
I lead Birthing From Within birth story workshops and circles. It is important here that all present are practicing deep listening. It is not a space in which we share advice or compare notes. It is also a space in which women are invited to share their own birth stories as a hero’s journey.


For some women, their birth was a joyous occasion and they are filled with gratitude and awe. Women often recount the physical particulars of what happened and yet we also need a place to share our birth stories as sacred. It is not casual, not about comparisons. It is not just about the events that happened, but her own story of descent and rebirth. She seeks to be honored as the returning birth warrior she is.


For some women, their birth story is painful and they fear revisiting that day. If their birth was traumatic, to re-tell it can unintentionally serve to re-traumatize. A woman who experienced birth trauma is as fully a birth warrior as she who speaks of her magical birth. Yet, to rush to this place can serve to discredit a woman’s loss. In these situations, women need a safe place in which to not just tell their story but to grieve. Simply rehashing what happened does not in and of itself heal. To have space in which feel feelings we could not feel because we were in the moment of survival can be a first step. I do not take this lightly.



In birth story circles, there is no commenting on her story. No questioning what she did or offering advice for how she might have done things different or how she should cope or heal. Being present for another’s pain can be uncomfortable for many. The impulse to calm or soothe is often more about the listener then the speaker. Most judgmental comments given to a woman who experienced birth trauma are not about her or her story at all, but rather the listener’s desire to assure herself that this would not happen to her, that she could control such events from taking place in her own life. So firstly, we must listen without rushing in to fill the silence or sorrow, without comparing it to our own experience or offering advice. Just being fully present is enough. When we go to this place the humanity and dignity emerge in all the stories. In the silence there is true connection.


Celebrating, honoring and grieving, and often times these all exist within a woman’s story, is powerful in its own right. There is also a gift we give to ourselves in the very way we tell our birth story. I invite women to tell their birth stories as a hero’s journey. The events are what they are. And yet, how were they experienced, and how does she honor her journey as that of a hero and warrior? Before beginning the time of sharing birth stories I set the space as sacred and invite them to ask themselves questions as they sit with their memory before beginning to speak. When did you first hear the Call? What did you have to give up to enter childbirth? At one moment did you feel like giving up and turning back? What did you do next? How did you know to do that? What part of yourself did you discover in birth that you did not know was there? What did you have to do that you did not know you would have to do in order to birth your baby? What moment in your birth were you brilliant and powerful? What do you know now that you did not know before?


The telling of birth stories is one of the ways a woman can integrate her experience and find in its telling her mother self awakened. In inviting birth stories to be shared as warriors returning from battle, hero’s returning from their quest, we offer women the dignity of their experience and the power of claiming their birth as Mother. There are many places where a woman will be asked to recount the birth of her baby. We need to also have spaces in which to share our stories of birthing ourselves as we birthed our child.



to be continued with final part 3

Interview with Bella Part 1

Listening to Body Wisdom, Birth as Transformation and Rite of Passage

Interview with Bella Hoskins, Doula and writer: Our conversation begins with the moment of childbirth but encompasses all three stages of initiation into the Feminine Mysteries: menarche, pregnancy and childbirth, and menopause. I am thrilled to have discovered Bella’s blog, and her work with Birthing from Within and Birth Story Circles. Bella’s is a doula, childbirth mentor, storyteller, myth maker and weaver of words. She has been supporting women in pregnancy, birth and postpartum for the past seven years, honored to bear witness to each woman's unfolding as she gives birth to herself as mother. See her blog at http://www.beyondthemap.blogspot.com/, web site: http://www.chicagobirthrite.com/

Musemother: In a world where masculine principles of competition and success reign, it is hard for a modern woman who has spent her life preparing for a career to suddenly realize she wants to be a mother. And then have to deal with the lack of female companionship once she decides to stay at home with her baby. Our feminine life processes often seem foreign to us.
What knowledge are we missing about pregnancy and childbirth, apart from the medical knowledge we get in pre-natal classes?

Bella: In an energetic or archetypal sense, childbirth is the embodiment of the Feminine. And for some women, this can be a shift, an awakening of long buried parts of themselves. I do not view this as knowledge that is missing, as much as it is an innate knowing which may have became buried or disowned, forgotten or devalued. Childbirth and motherhood can then offer the opportunity for a re-awakening or reclaiming of that which has always been.

What every woman needs to know to give birth is unique to her. In her book Birthing From Within, Pam England speaks of this, that within each woman resides her deepest question. It is not something that can be found in a book or answered by a care provider, as it resides within the woman herself. Only she knows what she needs to give birth. Digging deep to unearth this question and then living with the question is the work of preparation, far more so then having all the answers.

In the end, we cannot truly know or be prepared for birth, at least not in the ways our culture has promised. There are things that cannot be learned but only lived. Preparation has more to do then with opening oneself to dwelling freely in the unknown than in attempting to manage and control outcome. Having life grow within our womb in which we cannot see, all of the letting go that comes with pregnancy, this shows us the way.

Musemother: I love to hear birth described as a ‘hero’s journey’. Joseph Campbell said this about motherhood and I firmly agree. Women face the greatest challenge in giving over their bodies to another life. Then the further sacrifice of putting another life’s needs ahead of their own for many years. Is that what the initiation into motherhood is? About the need for self-sacrifice?

Bella: The very nature of initiation is that it is not something to be known until you have arrived there. Still, we look to those who have been initiated and ask them what it is they know. Not so that we might get to avoid the process, but so that we will know we are not alone when our time comes.

And what is this initiation into motherhood? Self-sacrifice is part of it. As women our bodies are quite literally inhabited by another and this begins what will be a life long process of a giving of ourselves to and for our child. Though many paths can bring us here, mothering is one path in which we are asked to often set aside our own small wants and desires for the sake of another. And yet, I am hesitant to suggest or to feed the climate of dichotomy we live in, a combative relationship that pits mother against child. This is the perspective that says we can tend to our own needs or our child’s, but only one can win out. This has been the seed of much mother guilt and it is helpful to neither mother nor child.

To lose old ideas of self and even some things we once thought of as requirements, such as sleep or privacy any time we want or our notions of freedom, can be a difficult adjustment. And yet the path to surrendering our small selves is where we discover a new idea of freedom, which is freedom from living only to fulfill our own wants and desires, and finding ourselves in love or service. This is not the same as sacrifice that turns mothers into martyrs. If a mother “loses herself” in the name of giving to her child, abandoning her own needs as if they do not matter, then from where is she discovering the resources needed to listen and respond to her child, from what Source does she find the capacity to give?

I would say that the initiation into motherhood is what we see in all such rites of passage: the death of the old self so a new self may be reborn. In giving birth and becoming a mother a woman will lose the self she once was and knew and assumed was “me”. Practical life becomes rearranged and there is a new orientation. Her daily life will become quite different then it was before. And yet, it is more. Giving birth offers the opportunity to awaken as mothers to our child and ourselves. It is not just that we will now sacrifice for our child, but that we now we know we have what it takes to make such sacrifices. When a woman has seen the lengths to which she will go to birth her baby and care for him/her, she discovers within herself the capacity to offer this same love to herself. When a woman has descended and embraced her shadow sister, when she has found within herself “She who knows what to do when she does not know what to do”, she arises not as martyr but fierce warrior. She brings this warrior love to her child, herself and the world.

Musemother: How can we understand giving birth as one of the 3 ‘initiations’ or transformations that women experience from menarche to menopause? Is it helpful for women to understand this deeper significance to giving birth?

Bella: What each of these rites share, beyond the biology of changing hormones, is that they are an entrance into a new self. They all require that we lose what we once were in order to fully enter into what we will become. A girl getting her first period has lost something of her childhood as she moves toward becoming a woman. This is a cause for celebration and it also involves a loss of innocence. They come together, the life cycle found in each initiation. When a woman gives birth she must release who she once was in order to birth her mother self. This is the same even if one has other children. Now, she will no longer be the mother of one, but the mother of two, or many. And the loss is mingled in with the new life.

When a woman begins menopause and enters her power as a crone, she is leaving behind her ability to give birth to children, and it symbolizes the loss of youth and fertility in many ways as well. And yet, she is now free for other creative ventures, for creating and bearing life in ways a young mother cannot, as she is busy with the work of mothering young children. (Many great writers wrote their masterpieces in menopause.) Again, the old self dies so the new might be begin.

The other similarity between these three initiations is that though marked by events, they are very much a process. Seeing it as such can be helpful for a woman in understanding the deeper significance of birth.

Menarche, motherhood and menopause are each their own labyrinth. There is a crossing the threshold that begins the journey. This could be seen as getting your first period, giving birth, or the absence of your period. We often stop here, assuming that this is all there is. When really, menarche is a beginning and it is a process of moving from childhood to young womanhood. Giving birth may place your baby in your arms and yet we become mothers not in one moment or event or day.

Menopause, even when sudden through something such as a hysterectomy, is a passage of the waning of hormones and the internal shifts that accompany this experience. We say a woman is going through menopause or that an adolescent is going through puberty. We acknowledge it as a transition, a transformation marked by an event that in reality must unfold over time. There is wisdom here for mothers. There are the weeks of pregnancy which is a process, and so too is becoming a mother a process, a journey we are walking as though walking a labyrinth.

When walking a labyrinth, one cannot often see where she is going. There are turns and curves and though the center can often be seen, we do not know exactly how we will get there. So we do what we can, which is always enough, and that is take one step after another. Only one step at a time. You may feel you are close to the center, only to realize the path is taking you back out to the perimeter again. One step at a time. You cannot get lost. You may feel confused or unsure. But unlike a maze, there are no dead ends. So you take one step at a time. Arriving at the center of the labyrinth marks the completion of something. You are now most definitely not a child but a young woman. You are now not pregnant but a mother.

You are now not going through menopause but a crone. And then we walk back out and must circle and wind back through the labyrinth. This is when we are integrating that which has taken place within us. We are bringing what we learned and weaving it into our story, creating a life from our transformation. After giving birth, this is when we learn how to be mothers and discover our new mother self in relation to the rest of our life. This is the Return of the hero’s journey.

to be continued

thanks for dropping by,

musemother

mothers and daughters

I was at the osteopathy's yesterday; my daughter had an appointment but didn't feel well (with her period) so I went in her stead. My neck and shoulders badly needed realignment.

After a wonderful treatment, deep rebalancing of everything in my head and neck, down to the bottom of my spine, we had a talk about K's period pain.

Since I am doing research around the spiritual aspects of menstruation and menopause, I'm reading up on what affects PMS and period pain, but I don't have any periods now myself. I do know that there can be structural causes, and the osteopath has helped K in the past with reducing the cramping from 3 days to one. There are also energy causes.

6 months later, she's due for another treatment. And maybe there is stuck energy from generations past affecting her. There has been some sexual abuse in our family tree, and sometimes healing one generation can affect future and past generations - releasing energy from whichever chakra it's swirling in.

So I'm going to look into this. The osteo said, K is not allowing herself much pleasure in life (and me neither). She said, you both have the 'duty' thing down pat, but what about having fun and relaxing? Perhaps you can't tell K to do yoga or meditate (not cool at her age, cause mommy does it) but you can bring more 'pleasure' into life in other ways. She also said, if you heal yourself, the energy between you will shift, and things will improve for her too.

that is a hopeful thought, and alongside my prayers for her not to grow up a tense uptight person, it's what I intend to look into,
nameste,
musemother

New year's update

We have never been buried in so much snow! Even in what to some of you looks like the 'far North', and to some others looks like the 'south', we have been having skimpy winters past 10 years. I have never seen my back yard this overflowing with snow, the hedge with a huge white beard and icicles.

My holidays went by too fast. Started with a musicians bash - old and young - jamming the night away and a potluck feast. Thanks Sylvie and Andre. Then a fancy Christmas Eve supper in the Laurentians with friends and kids. Christmas Day supper with family (in-laws). Next day left on the all night train to Bonaventure with the whole group of out-laws including nieces nephews and their prospective girl/boyfriends (23 of us in all). Sleeping Car full of our joyful boisterous noise, some really good scotch and a few bottles of Pinot Noir smuggled aboard. 3 days later, we staggered back on the train in Bonaventure (Gaspe) for another all night train ride, this one a bit more subdued after feasting and music and late night in-house bistro parties.

Sigh, it is a lovely family, my husband has brought me into. And the musician and singer in me loves to stay up late and sing all night.

But I hit the wall or the Waterloo of holiday low spirits in Ottawa, after we spent 2 days with my family.... can't keep up with it like my younger self could. (But then my younger self was very young - from age 19-28 I was a tee-totalling vegeterian, mostly celibate).

Anyhoo, I'm back to my books, (received the whole list of books I circled in the Book Section of the G&M my gawd) and today, luxuriously spent two hours with A Woman's Quest and Blood Bread & Roses.

You'll be hearing more about these two books on my menopause blog or wisdom for women. Cause it is the most heartening discovery of all, to know that we can actually prepare for menopause. We can use the allies of stillness, softness, serenity and surrender to get closer to our own reality.

I always wondered what intuition was, and most of the time I think I have a knack for it. But sadly, most of the time I am moving too fast to pay attention, pushing myself forward, belting my own back with push strive get going don't rest keep moving kind of messages. Ignoring the sad little voice that says, wait a minute, what about my rhythm, my pacing, my needs? You know that the hardest thing for a woman to do is go pee when she has to? there is always something else to finish first. Multi-tasking is dangerous in menopause, there are bones to break, muscles to twist, but I insist on multitudinous activities - can't cross the kitchen without one more thing in my hand to put away, in spite of sore shoulders I still carry in two heavy bags from the car, instead of making 2 trips.

So, slowing down is a challenge. But when you know the rewards - it's so gratifying, to find your hunches are right, and you stay put and things come to you when you need them. The phone rings, your appointment has been cancelled (that was one too many things in your day) or the delivery has been rescheduled till Monday (yes! I can stay in and finish reading that article).

being a stay-at-home mom and part-time teacher of workshops, it's easy for me to put it off til tomorrow, that 'reading' I do for my own learning, to prepare a future class, that doesn't have a due date, or the lecture for September that seems so far away.

But today, now, this afternoon, I am going to give myself another hour and sit in the comfy chair. The birds have been fed, I dug a snow path to the feeder, I walked the dog, I did the groceries, I fixed the phone, I made lunch for the kids....and now, back to the books.

warm fuzzies,
jenn