Quotes to help you Just Be Yourself

Let these words resonate and inform your spirit with the courage to be yourself:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

 "We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."  – ee cummings 

Don’t bend, water it down, or make it logical; don’t edit your soul for fashion. Follow intense obsessions mercilessly. – writer Franz Kafka.

When I'm trusting and being myself
as fully as possible,
everything in my life reflects this
by falling into place easily,
often miraculously.
 ~ Shakti Gawain

What we need to know, we already know. It is not more knowledge that is needed, but more careful listening, more dreaming, more daring. It is believing in the possibility that the voice within our skin has an answer to someone else’s question, if not our own. – Jan Phillips, Marry Your Muse

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.  —Thich Nhat Hanh

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are. —Rachel Naomi Remen

No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it.

 —John O’Donohue

Namaste and Happy Spring!

Musemother

Listening to Inner Calling at Mid-Life

Life's journey brings each of us face to face at some point with a search for meaning and purpose - perhaps we begin with one predefined for us by our parents/teachers or mentors. We either accept or reject this. We swim out into the deep waters of young adulthood armed with degrees and book knowledge, then sink or swim with our own hard-learned experiences, failed romances, achievements and ideals fulfilled or unfulfilled. Parenthood and career/work absorb us for twenty or thirty years and then Wham! we hit midlife. The satisfaction meter either glows Hot or Cold - Red or Green. Saying, keep on going this way, straight ahead or STOP. Pause. Rethink. Revise Strategy.

We ask ourselves, where am I on my map? Where am I on my journey towards those inner goals? A longing for a sense of purpose calls us once again, because the outer 'stuff' is now taken care of (or thrown into flux by job changes, health challenges, spousal betrayal). We are creatures of meaning. Not only doing, but being is important to us. We wonder, how am I doing? It's not only about my bank account, my RRSP, savings, success, but also, Where am I on the Authenticity and Satisfaction scale, the happiness and contentment with my life scale? 

Have I begun to pay attention to the inner calling of my heart? Have I begun to give back? Is there a passion that needs exploring, a reminder of my good ole days love for theater, singing, skiing or sailing? Or am I just too pooped to coop and need a bit of rest, some down time to recoup?

This journey to the Self and greater meaning involves not only caring for others, my family, mother, children, aunts, friends, coworkers, but also checking in with me. Have  I grown, developed my gifts and talents? Have I only worked and not played? (that sure makes me a dull girl!) Is my life balanced on the Wellness Wheel of Life (physical, mental, spiritual, body mind and soul). Is it time to take stock and realign with my Core Values, or find out what they heck they are?

Welcome to your mid-life transition! all those questions come up, as you face your own mortality (around age 50 usually). You look back at where you started - you try to gauge how much you might have left to do, or perhaps you simply release all expectations and collapse into complacency, or if you're lucky, deep satisfaction, in perfect flow. Optimal experiences abound - you've sorted out your inner conflicts, and you're feeling good about yourself, you're loving the grandchildren, and your leisure time. Quality of life is finally yours.

If this is not the case, ask yourself - have I listened to my heart's calling lately? What do I really love to do,what takes me into a 'flow' experience, out of time, forgetting about my self and problems? Then ask yourself, how can I make more room for that kind of experience in my life?

It might mean taking a new class, exploring a new hobby, or volunteering part-time to work with young kids, but it always involves lining ourselves up with a deeper sense of meaning and purpose.

If you feel drained, your psychic energy all sucked into doing stuff you hate - then midlife is a great time to stop, reflect, make changes, and bring more attention to doing what you love. Maybe it's time to build a creative life!

The book Flow outlines how a combination of facing challenges and growing skills is required at all levels of our life - at work, play, in family, with friends - to develop and grow happiness. It takes a certain amount of discipline to harness our psychic energy away from self-defeating negative thoughts and investing energy into creative pursuits that fulfill us. TV watching for instance feeds apathy, while gardening may bring harmony. 

We can better cope with stressful events, and create order out of chaos when we learn how to control our inner environment - our minds. 

So that's where listening to the Inner calling of the heart comes in. Discovering myself, from the inside, realigning myself with what I love to do, with my real internal goals (to be needed, to be loved, to give back, to be creatively fulfilled...) and getting closer to my gifts and talents brings harmony and unity back to my soul.

It gives meaning to my life and helps resolve inner conflicts, once I know what I want, and then take concrete steps to learn the skills or use my talents to achieve it. Following someone else's agenda for happiness will never bring me back to my own center, my own peace.  I need to discover what only I love.

What would you do, if you didn't care what anyone else thought of you? if it wasn't too selfish? if it was just for your own enjoyment? What did you used to love doing that you no longer do? Journaling about these questions will help you uncover the Inner Calling of your heart and help you find meaning and purpose at mid-life.

Namaste,

Musemother

April is Poetry Month

In honour of the Laurentians, where spring melt is glorious, and comes a few weeks later.

Spring melt

Everywhere a fine mist

a million drops rising

into spring air.

Freezing rain iced the roads last night,

layered trees in thin lace.

Now, morning sun tilts the snowwoman,

       head tilts onto ground

arms stuck in the leaning boulders.

Melting snow reveals a rock.

Geese wing northward
in small gaggles.

Spring runoff

from the roof races

my pulse erratic.

last night’s dream moving

up and up

a staircase

looking for You.

I wrote this poem back when the kids were little, and I had broken my leg skiing, so confined to the chalet while they hit the hills. I loved the sunroom in the chalet we rented then, near Ste-Adele and my alone time, writing, reading, lying in the sun stretching the wounded leg, healing and hanging out with the dog.

I later rewrote it, shortened it, took the Samurai Sword and it became:

Spring melt

Geese wing northward
in small gaggles.

Everywhere a fine mist

rises, million drops

lift into air.

Through the windows,

light erratic,

roof runoff spills

from the gutters.

Last night’s dream

moving up & up

a mobile staircase

looking for      

                    You.

and was published in For the Birds, my last collection of poems.

Happy spring all

Musemother

Gather the Women: Menopause and Mothering

SoulCollage(R) Card Multi-tasking Mom Raises a Hand for Help

If it takes a Village to raise a child, then it’s time to Gather the Women.

Yesterday in my Creative Circle class, six women, all mothers, were discussing how hard it is to make time for what you love to do, because it feels self-indulgent and selfish. That led to talking about how overwhelmed we feel with our own emotions at mid-life, our hormonal peaks and valleys, feeling stretched and distracted and having not enough uninterrupted ‘me’ time to journal, write, draw, collage, or just putter around in.

And that led to a story of a woman doctor with three kids who just up and left one day, and didn’t come home for six months. Now there’s a scary thought! It's perhaps the secret fear of every mother,  that we will fail at being a mom. I think the fact that women are putting off having children until our thirties, brings us closer to the perilous period of peri-menopause in our forties. Meanwhile, our children are still at home and needing us to chauffeur, cook, clean and supervise homework for them, which leads to moms feeling ‘on duty’ 24-7 with no breaks, and subsequent feelings of overwhelm. The ideal, multi-tasking ‘supermom’ hits a brick wall at peri-menopause (which begins in your mid-forties), and begins to crumble and crack at the edges.

At menopause, says Dr Christiane Northrup, the reigning expert on the subject, one of the most common needs women express is the need to get away, alone. I’d say the second greatest need is the help and support of other women.

Talking with other women about what really matters is very good for the soul, and very healing. I’ve been part of a woman’s circle for seven or eight years now.  We used to meet twice a month, and lately we’ve moved to once a month, two hours on a Thursday afternoon. We take turns hosting and providing tea, while we have a Circle Chat. It started when our kids were in high school, and we had less opportunity to meet other women while volunteering at school. 

How it works, is that each woman gets to talk about whatever is on her mind, whatever bubbles up from within her soul, for five-ten minutes; we use a crystal rock as a talking stick, so that the whole circle listens deeply,  holding space for her to speak.

This circle of women helped me keep sane and made me a happier mom. I don’t know how I would have gotten through menopause without having these women to talk to about what really matters.

I realized this morning that the discussion in my Creative Circle class yesterday about taking time for ourselves to do what we love, and what pushes a woman to the edge of leaving her kids and family in menopause, are two very related and very important topics.  It’s because we think self-care is selfish that we don’t give ourselves enough down time. Or we think it’s ‘frivolous’ to do something like writing in our journal or making a collage, or something that speaks to who we are, that feeds our creative woman’s soul. 

Some women hesitate to even mention it to their husbands for fear of appearing self-indulgent and less hard-working. Especially if you are a mom who works at home, and already feel guilty that you have time during the day while the kids are at school, so you fill it up to the max with volunteering and other ‘worthwhile’ activities, forgetting to leave yourself any time to do the things that fill the well, make you happy, revitalize and energize you.

Lately I am finding more and more articles and quotes that offer proof that it’s actually better for the people we love for us to take care of our own needs too, and put ourselves on the list. If you have a creative streak, that crankiness and irritability you feel may actually be coming from the need to get back into Flow, to express your creativity. Whatever the needs you have, don’t bury them in busy-ness.

When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care far more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be towards others. — Eda LeShan

So back to Gathering the Women – when I meet with other women, when I share my feelings about what really matters to me, or just spill the beans about the crazy-making days when I don’t have a minute to breathe, or pee, or eat lunch….when I get a chance to feel heard and seen, and can take off the pretend mask of Perfectionism or Super-mom who has it all together, it saves my life. It probably saves the lives of my kids too, because my mood is brighter, I feel less cranky and irritable. I can give from the well, because my well is feeling rather full. I don't feel like throwing in the towel and taking a year's sabbitical from motherhood.

Can you recognize the symptoms of overwhelm before they explode on you? Can you lean on friends, hire a house-cleaner, leave the house for tea with a friend, make time to write in your journal or start a women’s circle? How can you give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack, ease up on the list of things to do and create some Creative Space for yourself? Begin by gathering other women and having the conversation about this hairy mid-life transition and the strain it puts on our mothering.

As a bonus to anyone who leaves a comment here, I will put your names in a draw for the book An Anthology of Babes, 36 Women Give Motherhood a Voice, edited by Suzi Banks Baum. In this book you'll find 36 women writers and artists, sharing their stories, writing from their souls. You will find a circle of voices here.

Namaste, Musemother

an-anthology-of-babes

The Gifts of Taking Time For Yourself

Having a snow day here in Montreal, yeah! good for those moms who can't go anywhere and good for those kids who wanna stay home and play games or build snow forts, but boo hoo, my Creative Circle class was cancelled! We still had yoga this morning at my house, which felt like being wrapped in a white cocoon, the window and the lake outside are all white! The Green Spring we felt yesterday has been covered up.

So afterwards, over lunch, I picked up a book from my pile of books to read, since the driveway hasn't been ploughed yet: Finding the Deep River Within, http://deepriverwithin.com/book/ and re-read it, looking for an exercise we are going to use in class next week on Doing what you love. And lo and behold, the same message I just blogged about yesterday, came shouting back at me: "In order to take time-in, we need to choose it." Alone time without distraction is what author Abby Seixas calls 'time-in'.  Slowing down, watering the root of your soul with some down time, is so nourishing, but you have to make time for it.

Her point in the first few chapters is well taken - that until we recognize how pressured we are by the culture, how aligned and in synch we are with technological speed and multi-tasking (a computer term by the way), it's hard to disengage and slow down without feeling we're going against the grain. Usually it takes an illness or a deep sense of fragmentation or falling apart before we even consider slowing the pace (without feeling guilty). Unless you are a gardener, or a person who loves to cook from scratch...then you know what I'm talking about.

As far back as the sixth century BC, Lao Tzu was dealing with this 'running around', so it may not be something 'new' per se, the need to get back to a rich inner life:

There is no need to run outside

for better seeing,

nor to peer from a window. Rather abide

at the center of your being;

For the more you leave it, the less you learn.

Search your heart and see

If he is wise who takes each turn:

The way to do is to be.

Not surprisingly, one of the six tools for getting back in touch with that inner river within is Journaling. I know, I know, the excuses we all come up with...the feeling of never having enough time, or not being 'good' at it.  But just sitting down to untangle my thoughts, and hear myself muse out loud or on paper about what's going on underneath the ruckus on the surface is really healing.  It helps me sort through my feelings, and even begin to acknowledge some of those feelings. It doesn't take an hour, even ten minutes feels good.

Of course, the best way to make time for either journaling or time alone uninterrupted is to write it in your agenda. I just made a hair appointment for Thursday at 1 pm. Why can't I also write in 'meditation, 7:30 am, followed by Journal writing 8:30 for 10 minutes'. There, done. Morning is not always the best time for people (especially busy moms) to take time alone in. You can do it over tea at lunchtime, you can take a walk alone during a break. Or you can write in your journal before bedtime.

Get creative about feeding this deep need of your soul to have a long conversation with you!  You will actually find yourself being more productive, you'll have clearer vision, and feel less bone-tired, once you get in touch with that soul energy slumbering underneath your busy schedule....try it.

Take small steps and make it doable, so you have a better chance at success!

take care

Musemother

Women: What I learned from being sick

Having a cold or flu in winter is almost a ritual that gets repeated at least once every year, inspite of my best precautions.

I have all kinds of herbal remedies, and usually I don't stay sick for long, but this year I was travelling when the sore throat hit, and far from my tried and true flu busters.

No one likes to be stuck in bed, head throbbing, nose leaking, fever and chills running through their body. So I can't claim to have enjoyed that time in bed, although I did get a novel read in record time...but  I did get in touch with a valuable lesson.

With my head feeling like it's wrapped in cotton batten, ears plugged and chest phlegmy, it's hard to be grateful for being alive, but being forced to slow down did turn out to be a gift.

I got in touch with a deep undercurrent of tiredness, and was unable to get up and run around as quickly as I usually do. My brain still hasn't returned to 'busy mode', at least not with the same rapid response time I like to pride myself on.  I haven't been glued to my computer as much. The gift that was waiting for me was pretty low-key, and under the radar.  It was the gift of my own slowed-down speed, the going slowly itself became the gift.

Going slowly is not comfortable necessarily, when you're used to multi-tasking as I am.  But reducing my normal input level to one thing at a time is a blessing. I can begin to operate on a hum instead of a shriek. I can't jump ahead and plan three trips at once, or envision having the energy to go anywhere except be where I am right now.  Looking straight in front of me, I begin to allow myself time to breathe, time to enjoy a cup of tea, time to feel the hot water in the sink warming my hands, time to feel the softness folding the bamboo sheets, time to notice the bare grass at the side of the road walking the dog (yeah! mud and spring!). I just took a 40 minute nap, and slowly unplugged myself from the 'what if's' and questions about new classes, and creative ideas I should be developing....and just slept, curled up with my little shit-zu in my arms, belly to her back.

The gift of the present sometimes has to be forced on us, through illness, through breaking a leg, or just being extremely fatigued. We stop whirling, twirling and expecting miracles of our superwoman/man selves. It is possible, and even desirable, to do one thing at a time.

I invite you to try it sometime, even without the flu!

namaste,
musemother

When Women Were Birds Book Review for Women's Day

When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice
by Terry Tempest Williams
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I am loving this book. It's a bit of an autobiography, poetically written. The author begins by telling us her mother left her journals for her daughter to read, but asks that she wait until after she's gone. When Terry opens the journals, they are all blank. Every one on three shelves. The author's mother is a Mormon, from Utah, and apparently every good Mormon wife has two duties: to bear children and keep a journal. So this book seeks to uncover the motives behind her keeping them blank, and is also a poetic meditation (in parts) on what her mother's silence meant, and on the meaning of voice.

The author is also a bird watcher, and her grandmother initiated her into the love of birds. She met her husband through this as well. Lots of bird imagery. There's also a chapter about the secret writing of women, a coded calligraphy that only women used in China, to communicate with their life-long friends, which reminded me of the book The Secret Fan.

Some of the book is a bit political: the author is an activist involved in saving the wildlands and red rock area in Utah, and one of her efforts to help out was a putting together a small book of testimonial essays about the land from well-known authors, that helped sway the Congress to reconsider the rewriting of the Utah Public Lands Management act. A whole chapter is devoted to this, which although interesting and part of the author's life, did not add to the poetic text about her search for meaning in her mother's journals, except, I suppose to illustrate her need to find her own voice.

"Mother gave me my voice by withholding hers, both in life and in death."

"My mother's journals are bleached...
My Mother's Journals are clean sheets.
My Mother's Journals are white flags of surrender."

The author explores in layers the meaning of the blank sheets, and tells us in the meantime her own story, her own love affair with birds and words. In the end, she decides, "there is comfort in keeping what is sacred inside us not as a secret, but as a prayer." And seems to make peace with the white pages.

It may be an attempt to solve a mystery, but in the writing, we learn lessons about the power of a woman's voice, about mothers and daughters and granddaughters, and about the power of song, and flight.




View all my reviews

Mothering as creative, Connecting to the sacred feminine

Review of Mothering from Your Center, Tami Lynn Kent

Reading this book was a wonderful confirmation of my own mothering experience.

Eventually, every mother is torn between two things – and following the rhythm of her children and babies, and having her own time and space to work on any creative projects or work. Author Tami Lynn Kent has found a way to combine the two, by energetically getting in touch with her creative center, and surrendering to that flow. She is a women’s health physical therapist, energy worker and writer, with three boys and lots of practical experience with finding balance in home life.

In her first book, The Wild Feminine, Tami Kent provided visualizations of the pelvic bowl, as she calls it, and stories of her healing work with women’s pelvic traumas, as well as an exploration of the feminine energy system. This new book goes along the same lines, but especially addresses pregnancy, birth and mothering. She focuses on the pelvic bowl as the place of both physical and creative space where we “gestate and birth our creations”.

Kent calls mothering an epic journey, a spiritual quest, a ‘sacred process akin to the soul journeys of a shaman”.  And we mothers know that it calls up all our strength and courage, and pushes all our buttons too.  What I love best about this book are the practical tools offered, the know-how to restore a connection to the feminine center, and discover how to mother from a centered place. I especially enjoyed the visualizations and energy medicine exercises.  It’s so good to learn that mothering can be energizing rather than depleting.  That’s a message I wish I had read before setting out on the journey to mothering.

I have always known that as mother I am the center, the hearth, the tuning fork for the rest of the family. Tending to my own center and balance, however, demands time and patience. For example, Kent advises women get more rest during the first few weeks of postpartum time right after birth. Let the housework go, or hire help and see how close to home you can stay, as if on retreat. There is a big self-care component in this book – an honouring of the reality of being mother. Most days it is hard, physical work, and emotionally draining. Tami is not prescriptive, however, and leaves it up to the reader to make decisions from the wisdom of her center – about things like sharing a family bed, nursing vs bottles, and replenishing the well. There is no one right way of doing things. 

I know this book could have helped me negotiate a smoother transition between time for me and time for my babies, without feeling guilty or resentful, and without feeling the constant need to be ‘busy’. As the author rightly says, the challenge is that we don’t know how to slow down and follow our own inner rhythm, especially for those mothers who may be staying home for the first time after working at an outside job. Sometimes we keep over-busy to avoid our sad and mad feelings.  Kent chose not to return to work outside the home right away, as did I, because as she says, “My child had called me back to my center, and from the center I eventually wove a life and work-family balance that would support us.”  There are lots of great chapters like “Taking care of You: A Loving Daily Practice” with self-care rituals as simple as drinking a cup of tea without being interrupted, resisting the urge to multi-task and letting the kids sit quietly or play nearby until her tea is finished.

This book addresses all women, those who haven’t birthed a child, those who co-mother or are step-mothers and adoptive mothers. Any woman who wants to reconnect to her Creative Core and her feminine self, find the energy connection with her child and strengthen it, will benefit from reading this book.

“When in the midst of a challenging mothering moment, instead of reacting to what is happening, I focus on finding my center and feeling my feet on the ground. I breathe deeply into my connection to the earth and bring more flow into my root…From there, I may be able to better comfort my child, deflate a conflict by taking a different approach, or engage the situation in an entirely new matter.”

Wouldn't any woman want to learn that? Ultimately, a woman needs to connect with her own body and inner guidance. To learn how to mother from the potential of her own center.

Read this book!

Musemother

website for Mothering from your center

Youtube:  Video with Tami Lynn Kent                                                                        

When life slows down to a crawl and you don’t want to get out of bed

(this is a story about not wanting to write)

Is it February? Is winter not over yet in your part of the world? In my landscape, it is whiter than white, blowing snow, blue above the clouds, a little sunshine sparkling on snow, drifts and piles of white everywhere, and a crisp coldness. Some days I find that invigorating, and head out to the frozen lake (Lac St-Louis is really part of the St-Lawrence river) and cross country ski, especially when there is fresh snow covering the ice.

But some days, like one day this week, the cold, the clouds, the constant bundling up and trying to stay warm got me down. Or maybe it was my immune system fighting off cold or flu germs (I have been sneezing a lot). All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I had planned a writing day. Actually, it seems to go with the territory, that when I plan to work on my stories, resistance comes up and I suddenly feel a huge weight on me, inertia sets in, and I can’t get motivated. I want to hide under the pillows and sing, woe is me.

So I lit a candle and got out my Native American totem cards, picked four cards and wrote in my journal. Put on some soothing music (Bija, my favourite heart-beat like pace of sound), and hunkered down on my bed to write out what the cards said (great advice, always). Then I pulled out a book I’m supposed to review, (Mothering from your Center) and read a chapter on birth energies and did the visualization of my creative center, and whoops – before I knew it was writing, making notes on the book, on my experience of energetically releasing two previous miscarriages from over 23 years ago. My passion came back, my interest in writing, my mojo was back. I had a productive day.

There is no magic cure for inertia, but what I found worked (yesterday, then again today) was just snuggling down into it. Of course, I work at home, so it’s easier for me to stay in my pj’s and read a book. Today I pulled out a collection of erotica, short stories, excerpts and poems and before I knew it, I was hotly inspired to write - jumped up to the computer and revised one of my old chestnuts (stories that have barely survived my total ignoring of them for over ten years), and actually sent two stories out to  literary journals. It helps that they accept email submissions, so I didn’t have to get dressed and go to the post office or the nearest mail box, or look for stamps.

Now that is way more than I have done in over a year, in fact, the only things I have sent out are to a once a year story competition, and I remind myself not to do that anymore – I haven’t published any short stories yet (well, one, in a parenting magazine), and so submitting to open ‘auditions’ if you will is more productive than sending a one-off to a competition that 500 other writers are sending to.

My secret was just to keep moving – to pick up a book, to just put a little oil in the machine,  get the motor running, purring a little, before stepping on the gas and taking her out for a ride. I’m still sluggish, even more so after eating lunch and now my digestion system is slowing me down, but here I am typing up this blog post, see I didn’t even know it was going to be a blog post until just now. And I am working again. In spite of inertia and slug like slowness.

On a day where you feel as slow as molasses in January, even if it’s February, take it slow and easy. Put one foot in front of the other, pour yourself a cup of hot tea, and hunker down to it. Gently. You can do it!

Rise and Dance with One Billion Rising on V-Day

If you haven't heard already, tomorrow is a very big day. Very Big V-Day manifestation to end violence against women, organized by Eve Ensler: http://www.onebillionrising.org.

Our women's circle in Beaconsfield, near Montreal, was having its monthly meeting tomorrow anyway, so we are going to Dance along with everyone who is Rising. I plan to play the video Break the Chain and learn the moves - we'll watch it and Dance together in Seemeen's living room! We also love Parachute Club's Rise Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNIdqu7crW8  watch it here.

This is a global event, and somehow I feel very excited about moving my body for the sacredness, for the blessedness, for the protection of every woman and girl around the world.

If our energy dancing together can affect anything, even if only attracting a lot of attention to the sad reality of rape and violence against women, it will be a good day.

Here's a poem I love about being danced: (If you want, you could read this out loud to a group of women, as a way to participate in V-Day).

We have come ...by Jewel Mathieson

We have come to be danced

not the pretty dance

not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance

but the claw our way back into the belly

of the sacred, sensual animal dance

the unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance

the holding the precious moment in the palms

of our hands and feet dance

We have come to be danced

not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance

but the wring the sadness from our skin dance

the blow the chip off our shoulder dance

the slap the apology from our posture dance

We have come to be danced

not the monkey see, monkey do dance

one, two dance like you

one two three, dance like me dance

but the grave robber, tomb stalker

tearing scabs & scars open dance

the rub the rhythm raw against our souls dance

We have come to be danced

not the nice invisible, self conscious shuffle

but the matted hair flying, voodoo mama

shaman shakin’ ancient bones dance

the strip us from our casings, return our wings

sharpen our claws & tongues dance

the shed dead cells and slip into

the luminous skin of love dance

We have come to be danced

not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow end of the floor dance

but the meeting of the trinity: the body, breath & beat dance

the shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance

the mother may I?

yes you may take 10 giant leaps dance

the Olly Olly Oxen Free Free Free dance

the everyone can come to our heaven dance

We have come to be danced

where the kingdom’s collide

in the cathedral of flesh

to burn back into the light

to unravel, to play, to fly, to pray

to root in skin sanctuary

We have come to be danced

WE HAVE COME

So now it's your turn: to Dance!

Musemother

www.jenniferboire.com

Mothering Myself or The Mommy Ogre

Listening to the inner voice

Note: I found this on my computer, written 10 years ago, when my kids were 10, and 12.

What can a busy mom do to find an inner sense of balance?

I stir from sleep, one ear off the pillow. “Mommy”-- I hear my daughter’s plaintive voice.  Red numbers flash 4:30 a.m. Groggily, I tiptoe down the hall and sit on her bed. Kate pulls me close – sobbing, a bad dream. She wants me to lie beside her because she’s afraid to fall back asleep. Chalk it up to one more night of interrupted sleep. At age 48, with insomnia and night sweats kicking in, some mornings I have a serious sleep deficit and would much rather stay in bed than get up and make breakfast. It’s not possible for me to quit my job, since my full time work is house-manager and mother for now. But before lack of sleep and pre-menopause turns me into mommy ogre, I’ve decided I need to mother myself.

Recently, there is a voice that is downright insistent about the need to take good care of myself. It complains that it doesn’t want to walk the dog, because she pulls on the leash and hurts my sore shoulder. Get the kids to walk her. (The physiotherapist said the same thing).  It whispers to me to jump into bed with a heating pad right after the kids are tucked in. Or let them tuck me in! It gives me simple advice, like ‘sleep when you’re tired, eat when you’re hungry, go pee when you have to’. Simple wisdom, but it’s hard to put into practice.

If that inner voice were my mother, what would she tell me? First, she’d say in that endearing way she has, quit complaining you’re tired and go to bed earlier! No more reading past midnight.  She’d also tell me to sit down properly at a table, not shovel food standing up at the counter on my way out the door to the doctor’s. She’d say, slow down the pace - take a nap. My mother took a nap every day (8 kids in ten years forced her to). She’d ask me why I load up the agenda with an overwhelming list of chores to do. Before I’m even dressed the mental list starts humming: call the vet, get the tires changed, shampoo the dog vomit out of the carpet, get a quote for new garage doors, buy the latest ‘cool’ item for the kids’ lunches…. I read that keeping overly busy is a way of masking the inner voice, and leads to exhaustion. Maybe taking one item off the list per day will leave more room for creative time, help me get to that story I’ve been meaning to write.

Leaving open space on my agenda would make room for spontaneity too, like going for a walk in the park instead of letting the dogs out for a quick romp in the yard. Finding time to ‘be’ more and do less is a real challenge for a busy mom. Even if I don’t work outside the home (besides volunteer work), my inner task master doesn’t allow much free time for my own projects -- I could be more creative if I listened to my gentler, inner voice who coaxes me to sort through the pile of poems on my desk or to go out and rake old leaves, discover new shoots in the garden. I need quiet time to replenish the soul (in spite of the nagging voice that says, get back to the dishes, the laundry), to allow some moments of beauty into the day to reflect on the life lived, as well as living it.

The one thing my inner voice is adamant about is making time to sit quietly early in the morning before the family awakens. If a child wakes up and wants me to put in a movie on the weekend, I settle her in, then head back to my cozy chair by the window to contemplate the peace within. It soothes me like a comforter to rest inside the breath. I catch up with my sense of serenity, my purpose for being in the world seems confirmed, now that I am centered again. For me, morning practice is best, before getting caught in the phone calls and email trap.

Listening to the soft voice within has many benefits. Allowing myself these special moments every day allows my heart to appreciate the abundance in my life, the warm sunshine, the birds in the back yard, a new moon in a dark sky, and lets me be all here for my gorgeous children in the limited amount of years they need me so totally. So I’ve decided I can’t put off mothering myself until they leave home. That’s too far away. Have you noticed in the video instructions for putting on an oxygen mask on the airplane, you are told to put it on your own mouth first, then on your children? I think of that as a beautiful metaphor for mothering myself, which will help me be the best mother for my children.

 Hugs,

Musemother

www.jenniferboire.com

More News for the Heart

http://www.exelans.org

Dr Christiane Northrup has been writing about women's bodies and the wisdom that comes from listening to the body for over twenty years. I first heard about her and her book, Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom when my aunt sent my mother the book. Seeing it on her coffeetable, I asked if I could read it. I don't think I ever gave it back. It opened my eyes to so many new ways of thinking and understanding symptoms of illness, and my connection to my female body.

This month, Dr Northrup is addressing the Heart in her monthly newsletter, and I love what she has to say about hidden emotions and heart disease.

I have done various types of bodywork, from osteopathy, massage therapy to Rolfing, and in every case, there has been some form of emotional release as well as the healing power of touch.

Here is a link to her article: http://www.drnorthrup.com/blog/2013/01/hidden-emotions-hurt-the-heart

Love your Heart!

Musemother/jenn

Meditate on your Heart Month

February is Heart Month

I'm going to write more about what opening into heart awareness means for me, as I did in my monthly newsletter for my website (sign up at www.jenniferboire.com),
but for the moment, here's something I found on Facebook, with some lovely music and visuals to help you focus and breathe through your heart.

http://chandinilove.tumblr.com/


Namaste,
Musemother

Courage to Take the Next Step

SoulCollage card, Underwater

Mid-life is a challenging time - it's not only about the menopausal hormones, the lack of sleep and hot flashes. The biggest wake-up call is from your heart, (or some say, your soul) calling you to find a sense of meaning and passion, your purpose in life.

I don't know why it hits us in our mid-forties to fifties. It may be because we have accomplished so much, the house, the job, the kids, the car, the dream vacations. You work hard to achieve "success", you raise a family, and then....you hit a brick wall, or you just feel tired all the time, or you get challenged by a divorce, a serious illness, or a loved one close to you passes on. You feel restless, dissatisfied, confused about your purpose, and you don't know why. The big questions start to come up: why am I here? what is all for? what do I really want to do with the rest of my life?

I look at it as a huge wake-up call from the heart - it's calling: Over here! Wake up! Emotions and feelings long-buried rise to the surface. Your goal of being Salesperson of the Year is not cutting it anymore. You want to run away from your life, where daily decisions overwhelm you, you aren't sleeping well, you're irritable and impatient and you don't recognize yourself. Then you see your mother or father's face in the mirror looking back at you, and it's scary! I'm 50 and what have I done with my life? You may look back in longing at the young person you were at 20, so idealistic, so passionate about making the world a better place, the young actress to be who became a secretary or an Administrator....and part of you feels like it's dying. Where did that youthful energy go?

It's still there, your heart and passion and enthusiasm for life, but it may be buried deeper down. You have to go spelunking in caves, you have to put on all your brave courage and excavate your heart's passion from underneath your sense of Duty, Obligation, Responsibility and whatever else tells you it's not practical to realize a dream.

In my book, The Tao of Turning Fifty, Amazon.com I offer an exercise called What Time is It in Your Life? You draw a clock on a blank page, and then draw the hands pointing towards the numbers of the time you feel it is - intuitively. Is it 8 am, the start of a new day? or is it noon - the middle of something? or perhaps it's 10:00 pm - time to put something to bed. Reflect on this, ask the question, dig, reflect, write, until you find the answer popping up from within.

Remember, whatever passions you had at age 11 or 15, the difference you wanted to make in the world, you are more than adequately prepared to do that now - you have more skills, more experience, and better resources. All you are lacking is the clarity and the courage - so dig deep and find it. Your Soul is Calling! the heaviness you feel is your Heart being buried. Uncover what makes your heart feel light and know that the journey into your depths may involve facing your grief, letting go of disappointments and sadness, facing feelings you haven't allowed yourself to feel.

The journey towards going Up and Out in the world begins often with going Down and In. Reclaim those feelings, uncover your heart, thaw out the frozen emotions, unpeel the armour around your heart and chest. Begin to un-numb, to tingle with excitement, as the blood starts moving again. Feel the cleansing tears that will come, and be reassured it means you are alive, you can find your Joy again.

It is worth doing this inner work. In my book I describe my own mid-life journey, and offer the Descent of Inanna as a metaphor or mythic story that gives a clue to the real work of rebirth and transformation that happens at mid-life, for those who have the courage to face the darkness inside of them. Don't be in a hurry. It will unfold in months or years, but you will resurface, with new shiny wings. Are you ready?

Here are 10 quotes to give you courage to take the next step:

It’s so easy to give up, or just never get started on making your dream project come true. If you need to feel that your Wise Inner Self is on your side rooting for you, here are some wonderful quotes to give you courage.

There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting. – Buddha

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all. – Norman Vincent Peale

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love. – Rumi

‎Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it. – Buddha 

It’s okay to ask questions, but get the answers. So, where are the answers? Since the questions came from within you, guess where the answers are? Within you. – Prem Rawat

What we perceive as a failure may simply be our inner being's way of telling us that we are ready to move to a new level of growth.  – Anne Wilson Schaef

What is your real work? Is it that which pays the bills or is it your art? I think your real work is healing. Whatever helps you become more loving in this lifetime. Whatever helps you forgive yourself, embrace yourself, meet yourself, and free yourself in this lifetime. – Tama Kieves  

If you can see your path laid out in front of you, step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path. – Joseph Campbell

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. – Alice Walker:

The power is in you. The answer is in you. And you are the answer to all your searches: you are the goal. You are the answer. It's never outside. – Eckhart Tolle

Dear Past, thank you for the lessons. Dear Future, I'm Ready! – Quan Yin, on Facebook

Namaste,
Jennifer/Musemother

Jennifer Boire, author of The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Fifties Needs to Know, available at http://tinyurl.com/d9mtc26 blogs at Musemother, also on Facebook and Twitter. She leads Creative Journaling classes and retreats for women and loves to get comments. See www.jenniferboire.com

Daring Greatly Book Review

http://www.brenebrown.com/books/

Author Brené Brown, PH.D., is a researcher and pioneer in studying shame and vulnerability. She has written two previous books, The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me and became well known recently doing a TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability (2010) which had over seven million hits on the website. I loved The Gifts of Imperfection, so I asked for a review copy of Daring Greatly, to see where she's headed in this new book. I found it full of 'home' truths.

Daring Greatly begins with a quote: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles…the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…”  Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

We may know on one level that to be human means to be vulnerable – that it’s not a weakness but a way of exposing ourselves to learning and growth, daring to make mistakes, and engaging in what is meaningful in spite of risks, yet how many of us really feel comfortable living from a vulnerable place?

This book is about encouraging leaders, teachers, parents and everyone to find our courage, compassion and connection to other people through the power of vulnerability. As Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for connection.”  Creativity and innovation, good parenting, leadership, all rely on our ability to not use shaming, bullying and blaming as methods to distance ourselves from difficult emotions, or for getting the most out of our children or employees, at home or in organizations.

Vulnerability involves showing up, letting ourselves be really seen, and knowing that our basic worthiness is not in question. However, as Brown asserts, the challenge is great; it does require ‘daring greatly’ because our society in general makes us feel “never good enough, perfect enough, thin enough, successful enough, smart enough” – a lot of which comes from media-driven visions of perfection, or nostalgia for the good old days.

Our fear and discomfort with vulnerability become judgment and criticism – we run away from uncomfortable feelings; but vulnerability is also what we need to experience love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and hope. If we think of feeling as a weakness, then we shut down, disengage, we don’t dare ask for help, share an unpopular opinion, or stand up for ourselves. That’s where the power of vulnerability comes in.

The most significant barrier to creativity and innovation is the fear of ridicule, and fear of failure and of being wrong. Yet without feeling safe enough to take risks and live with uncertainty, we can’t have real innovation and creativity.  In her chapter on leaders, Brown describes how being comfortable with vulnerability can actually increase creativity and innovation – if bosses feel they have to know everything, and always be ‘in charge’, it makes employees feel they are ‘less than’ or smaller than. Thus, shame and fear lead to lack of innovation because there isn’t a safe environment to make mistakes in.

“We can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again,” says Brown. Shame resilience allows us to acknowledge the hurt or disappointment, but not be devastated by it. We see our courage. We dare to stay connected to our emotions and to others in spite of feeling pain or rejection. We practice critical awareness.

Brown posits that ‘self-love is a prerequisite to loving others’. It gives you the courage to show up and be vulnerable, open up to love. Because we fear disconnection, being unlovable and not belonging, we work sixty hours a week, or get involved with affairs or addictions…we begin to unravel. Her solution: own up to your failures and fears; show up, be vulnerable and courageous enough to love and support ourselves and each other. Be real, in other words. Like the Velveteen Rabbit kind of real. Remove the mask, stop pretending we’re invulnerable, and remove the armour, the self-protection. Practice being ‘enough’. 

I find it especially hits home during the midlife transition, and so does Brown. At midlife, she describes how “all that role playing (fitting into perfect gender roles for women and men) becomes almost unbearable…. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted, and for the first time they begin to clearly see that the expectations are impossible.”

It’s good to be reminded that the cracks are where the light gets in, as Leonard Cohen sings. The book ends with Brown’s strategy or game plan: to change the culture by opening up a discussion on what we lose when we shut down, disengage and lead from fear, and power-over, using shaming, blaming and bullying techniques to get our own way and how this ultimately affects families, schools, and corporations. 

Imagine if we built a corporate culture or instilled family values of being honest and open about our emotions. This would encourage giving honest feedback and allowing room for growth and engagement. Growth and learning are uncomfortable, so it can be expected, and then accepted, which reduces shame, anxiety, and fear.

I believe, like Brene Brown, that the change will begin in families, at home, with our children. It begins when we show up honestly and courageously to have the difficult discussions, show our emotions and not pretend to know it all or armor up. “Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative.”

I highly recommend this book, and if you can’t manage to read it, watch her Ted talk at www.TED.com

Reviewed by Jennifer Boire

www.jenniferboire.com

Journaling, Self-Awareness and Goal Setting

January is still in full swing, and it's almost time to start New Year's in February - yes, once you've recovered from the holidays, the kids are back in school, you're back at work or on your regular schedule, classes are underway etc., now you really have time to take a breather and reflect on the year ahead. 

I just did an interview with Steve Goldberg of Optimus Performance, which I hope to post later on youtube, in which we discussed our different approaches to goal setting. 

In the past, I have been pretty much an anti-goal person, so I went searching on the web to see if I was the only one with such a strong reaction to the word goal. Is it perhaps the military connotation I wondered? It seems such a outward focused word, so linear and logical, something you need to do to get ahead, to proceed, to conquer. It gives me a feeling of overwhelm just to write the word - goal - as if it will add one more thing to my already too-full To Do list.

I did find a few kindred spirits on-line. It seems that for women at mid-life especially, who are often tired, overwhelmed and trying to make space for themselves on that famous list, a better word may be Intentions. (One of my intentions is to play more - hence the snow woman, made with my daughter and her friend after an afternoon of sliding in the snow.)

In the new year's message in my newsletter, I narrowed the Intention Setting question for the year down to two things: what do I want more of, or less of? It felt like a good way to make sure that whatever I come up with is doable and doesn't lead to more overwhelm. 

There are simple things I can do like taking a nap when I'm tired, enlisting help from my family to get meals prepared or grocery shopping and laundry. More quiet time for me to dream in, less busy time that makes me feel scattered and stressed.  

The thing that helps me see where I am, and what my intentions are, is journaling. In my journal I write about what I want more of, what I love, and what I want less of or what blocks me from being happy, healthy and whole. It's a bit of an organic process, but I do find answers come to me.

I also use my journal to set an intention for the day - one that is doable and realizable. For instance, today I will breathe deeply before responding to my kids' persistent requests instead of getting impatient. Or today I will not sweat the small stuff. Or just for today, I will cultivate lovingkindness and compassion. I will be happier in my body. Then the next day I can check in with myself and the journal, as I start a brand new day.

This way of keeping on track is similar to what author Abby Seixas calls a victory log -  a list of all the things that go right, in her book Finding the Deep River Within, A Woman's Guide to Recovering Balance and Meaning in Everyday Life.  http://www.deepriverwithin.com/findingdeepriver.html 

"A victory is any shift that you make in the direction you want to go, any step, no matter how small toward a goal you have set for yourself." Or an intention, if you prefer.

Don't overwhelm yourself by making a mountainous list of 'things to do' - make your intentions doable, and simple. Keep that self-compassion in mind. Be your own best Coach, and give yourself encouraging messages of support, or enlist the help of a friend to keep your promises, whether it be to do more exercise, eat fewer chocolate cookies, or hug your kids more often. And remember that your journal can be your best friend and a cheap form of therapy.

My intention for this week is to exercise regularly - for me, that means two yoga classes a week, and three home-exercise sessions of 20-30 minutes each, set up for me with a personal trainer who is a friend of mine. So far, week one, I'm on track. But I'm taking it one day at a time....one victory squat at a time. 

namaste,
musemother