Mid-LifeTransformation: Interview with Flourish over 50

This month I'm starting something new on the Musemother blog, and have joined up with several really smart women bloggers to bring you some interviews and links to theirwebsites for women at mid-life. This week I've interviewed Susan Tolles from the website Flourish over 50. Enjoy!

Musemother: We’re taught that aging is bad, that we’ll lose our productivity, our attractiveness, our youth, be ugly, useless, out of shape. How do you counteract that attitude?

Susan: The Baby Boomer generation is “kicking butt” in the world today. We are active, intelligent, confident, and reinventing ourselves in record numbers. In surveys I have done in my Flourish Over 50 community, at least 65% will respond positively to the statement “I love who I have become as I have aged!” The others are actively seeking new direction in their lives, to create an abundant future for themselves. We are refusing to stay at home, play bridge and go to book club like our mothers did. When I meet a woman who feels unattractive and useless, it doesn’t take long for me to turn her around as we focus on her unique gifts and inner beauty. With over 35,000 visitors to the website every month, I know that women over 50 are actively seeking information to help them lead healthy, balanced lives with style!

What do you do personally to look and feel fabulous?

I have learned to put myself at the top of my to-do list, to keep my mind, body and spirit nourished. I do all the usual things—eat a healthy diet, take vitamins and minerals, keep a good skincare regimen, and get a good night’s sleep—so it is the confidence I have in who I am that makes me radiate “fabulous.” People tell me I am the “perfect picture” of my Flourish Over 50 brand, and 75% of that comes from loving what I am doing and having the opportunity to touch the lives of others with my message of hope and renewal.

What is the biggest obstacle to a woman feeling good about herself after 50?

The media!  For decades, advertising has promoted younger looking women who are thin and gorgeous—of course, as a result of airbrushing and Photoshop! We are bombarded by print and TV ads that feature women we are “supposed” to look like. Only recently have some of the major cosmetics companies begun to focus on older women, and it’s about time! We don’t have to be wrinkle-free with flat tummies and thin thighs to be beautiful. There is true elegance in aging.

What is the biggest myth about turning fifty?

In our parents’ generation, women over 50 were, for the most part, invisible. They went to book club, played bridge, entertained and had seemingly ho-hum lives. If someone told me I had to live like that now, I would scream! This is not the time to stop living! Instead, it is the perfect time to start over, to enrich the legacy that you are leaving for your grandchildren and their children. We don’t even think about slowing down now—we have too much left to share with the world!

What is the greatest thing about turning fifty?

There is such a richness that comes with aging. We have priceless wisdom from the years of experience we have had raising children, often while working hard in one or more careers. We have juggled those roles with volunteering, caregiving and being “all things to all people,” and finally it is time for us to live the life WE want, not what others want for us. Turning 50 is such a huge transition point, and there is great freedom in finally saying “So what, if someone doesn’t like me? I love who I am, and who I have become. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem!”  

What has the midlife transition taught you about your own resilience and joy?

In my “pre-50” life, I had taken personality profiles several times, always scoring in the “extreme” level for being an Introvert. In the past three years, I have discovered that people like me for who I am, and I can just come out of my shell and be ME!  I have met so many amazing women who bring the best out of me, who support me and challenge me to stretch and grow. I have such self-confidence in the person I have become, and know that when I face speed bumps and potholes along my journey, I will be a better person on the other side. I still enjoy my alone-time, when I need to quiet my mind and soul, but the times I have with my girlfriends are what give me new energy.

What role do our men (sons, husbands, fathers) have in our self-image? Do you think they help or hinder ?

The men in our lives play a key role in our own self-worth. I am blessed with an incredibly supportive husband—we have been married almost 33 years—and he has been right with me all along the way. But I have met so many women who have divorced in midlife, devastated by a relationship that has fallen apart because the husband cheated or because they just have grown apart. That can destroy a woman’s perception of her own value. The father-daughter relationship also has a lasting impact on us, and can affect who we choose to marry and how we relate to all men in our lives. My family is so tightly woven together because we keep our Heavenly Father at our core.

How did the idea of the website come about and how did you find partners?

I had reached that point of stark realization: I was a middle-aged empty nester, still smart, useful and resourceful, but didn’t know what to do with my life. I started searching the Internet for resources for women over 50, and there just wasn’t much out there. At the same time, a friend suggested that I start blogging about my journey. When I received comments on my blog posts from women I didn’t even know, I realized that there were others who were experiencing the same emotions and challenges I was. My creative juices started flowing, and I decided to create my own website to share information to help myself and others live abundantly.

At first, I was generating all the content myself, and it was draining. After a while, I took a look around me at the women I knew, or knew of, who had the same vision for serving women. I reached out to a few to ask for their contributions, and they were thrilled to join the site. We have gone from a small blog to a major resource for women around the world, with over 35,000 visitors every month from over 90 countries. I love to share reinvention stories from other women along with our regular guest author articles, and we are even doing video series now. As I envision the future, there is so much to be done, but I am having so much fun along the way!

Anything else you would like to add?

From the beginning, my motto has been “Dream big and step out on faith.” Being over 50 brings with it the freedom to focus on yourself, to pursue those old dreams that have been on the back burner for so long, or to create something totally new for your life. Believe in yourself!  Set big goals, then have confidence knowing that you have what it takes to accomplish them. Surround yourself with cheerleaders, be willing to explore the detours along the way, and celebrate often! Enjoy living as you flourish, inside and out.

Susan Tolles is an Expert in Midlife Reinventions who inspires and equips women around the world to flourish inside and out.  As a website creator, published author, speaker and life coach, Susan helps women celebrate and enrich their true inner and outer beauty as they age with grace and vitality.  

Susan Tolles has contributed to the collaborative books  Inspired Women Succeed and The Unstoppable Woman’s Guide to Emotional Well-Being, both available on her websites. She lives in Austin, Texas, has been married for over 33 years and has three incredible children. She has worn many hats in her life and has personally experienced her own amazing midlife transformation, proving that it is never too late to discover your purpose and follow your dreams.

www.FlourishOver50.com and www.MyPowerfulMe.com

Thanks Susan for your clarity and enthusiastic answers! We wish you every success in your endeavours to bring the Flourish back into women's lives over 50.

Finding the joy of menopause

“Lie back, and the sea will hold you”

                First Lesson, Philip Booth

Yes, I want to tell you, there is emotional turmoil.  Yes, there is pain and a descent into darkness. Yes, you may feel like you’re lost in a dark tunnel with no way out some of the time. The rest of the time, you dance and laugh at parties with a glass of Merlot in your hand, and serve the children tacos and spaghetti, whichever is their favourite. You come home from work tired and decide to read a book after supper, but instead you fall asleep at 8:30, wake up sleepless at 3:00 a.m.

Two years earlier, I felt like bug soup. Inside my chrysalis, all my ragged edges, horns and spotted caterpillar shape, the multiple legs and little prickly bits were all melting, turning into bug soup, and I felt mush-muscled. Only God knew what shape I would take or how my wings would form, which colours scintillate.  Some wild blue turquoise, yellowy green, something completely different than the rose or fuchsia I imagined.

I felt tired, not only physically, but mentally tired of resisting this quiet destiny. No flames, flammèches or fireworks; it was low-key and subterranean, a lying low until strength could be gathered for flight. The peri-menopause is the period before the coming cessation of bleeding, not wholly begun yet because I was still bleeding profusely every 28 days, except for one month missed. This was the chrysalis phase, an in-between transition—I was not yet transformed, not of one world-- the young energetic past--nor of the other (mellow, old and wise) but on a shuttlebus between the two states. Perhaps 49 is not the end of energy and youthful vigour (although in the sorry shape I was in, both hips and shoulders aching, it felt like it). But just a transition phase.

Yes, at this phase the tears come more easily, and even a little something wrong upsets you. But what I want to talk about is the joy that follows, the big joy, not just a little joy, that does come finally after the dust settles, or after you come blinking out of the tunnel, into the place where you don’t recognize yourself. Once you come up into the clear mountain air, a small ray of sunshine appears, then a whole bright day ahead.

Where did I find my joy? In discovering I was ready to serve – not like before, not to forget myself, nor to give all my power away by being a good girl and getting kudos or to please others, but opening to being a fully satisfied, complete woman, a woman with power. In discovering I have wings, and in learning how to spread them – not to fly away – necessarily, but to rise above the pettiness, jealousy and drudgery of my own mind, to find the purity, clarity, and peace of heart within. Oh, my wings are real; they are white and muscular. But they shine invisibly, growing out from my heart center.

Where did I lose my joy? In making myself small, too small to see. In resentment, and fear of speaking out, fear of owning my truth, fear of what my neighbour thinks of me. I used to feel it hunched a little in my neck and shoulders, but it’s leaving, being cleared away by the work I am doing and the grace of god. I am an ordinary woman with extraordinary powers, that have also been given to each woman. The power to love, the power to inspire by my actions, the power to forgive myself for being human and making mistakes. Where do I find my joy? In sharing the wealth: in hearing your stories, and in sharing mine. In making it brand new, each new day. In realizing I am flawed but fabulous!

My life story is fairly ordinary: I was a child, I  learned to love, I loved people who sometimes hurt me, but I am extraordinarily blessed in being with a caring, gentle man I love and had two children with him; I have bled once a month (almost) since I was fifteen, and since age 51 I am finished with that. I have been in the liminal space, in between young and old, but I am still in the middle years. From here, I can look backwards and forwards, but my pleasure is to stay right here, right now, in the present. And breathe, once more, into the closer, immediate present.

Getting some nurturing, in Rolfing therapy and healing massages and osteopathic treatments have helped open up the shoulder and neck muscles and release the fear I’ve been holding. I also had some coaching in which I discovered I wanted to work with ordinary women, not be a literary wunderkind. I have found my joy, in the possibility of speaking in my own voice to other women, in leading workshops and retreats and sharing my discoveries, and in all of us learning that we are not alone.

And where I really found my joy was in the openness to not knowing, to relaxing into the questions, dialoguing with my inner Wise Self in my journal as I rappelled down the mountain inch by inch, finding a safe ledge to stand on, then finding there was water down below where I could float on an air mattress, and let the sea support me. 

Ah that is where my joy is, in being supported by the universal ocean. The trust I am learning to feel inside. That is worth gold; that feeds and nurtures me.

I wish you the courage to stick with the questions in the transition phase and emerge on the other side of the mid-life transition into your wonderful, powerful Joy.

Namaste,

Musemother

Feeling like you're going crazy at menopause

Note: this post has been reposted from the msmenopause blog

"The wise woman achieves menopause. It does not overcome her."

Well, so the books say anyway. I can remember feeling very overwhelmed during peri-menopause. There's even a homeopathic remedy for that feeling: Sepia, which I took as needed.

Sometimes things get a little topsy turvy, what with lack of sleep, night sweats, PMS taking over for two weeks instead of three days, and breaking into tears at inopportune moments, like in the middle of a business meeting with your boss.

How do you handle it? Do you go for hormone replacement therapy? Do you just go to see a psychologist for talk therapy? Anti-depressants? What is going on with me?

According to Dr. Christiane Northrup, our brains are being rewired for greater intuition. We move out of the child-rearing mode where we are focussed on others, and begin to caretake ourselves. Changing levels of hormones may be what stimulates the 'Change', but the upshot is, we get encouraged to deal with a whole lot of messy emotions, collectively labelled "unfinished business". The PMS is not the cause but the trigger - it is signalling stuff you have stuffed down, swallowed, and can't digest anymore.

Sitting with a journal (or a good friend who doesn't mind listening to your litany of woes), is a good way to begin to untangle what you are feeling. What do I want? What is bugging me? What is pissing me off?

Can I dare open that can of worms and deal with it, instead of waiting for the can to explode and have worm soup all over the kitchen floor, and risk damaging my relationships with children and spouses? I think it is safer to make lists in the safety of my room, and look at my emotions from a detached place (out of the heat of the moment). Why did I fly off the handle at my daughter's request to book her a hair appointment? Am I taking on too much that is her responsibility? Can I let go of the 'mothering' I do and let my kids take on more of the household tasks? Why can't I value my own self enough to make room for me, my needs, my work, my space.

Myspace - funny that all the kids are creating their myspaces on-line. That's a good metaphor for what menopausal women need. A My space blocked out somewhere in the virtual world or the physical world in 3 dimensions. Sometimes I fantasized about a white room, with no distractions, no radio or tv, no interruptions, no puppies to walk, no cats to feed, no demands on me....somewhere I could let my writing flourish in....then I realized what I was imagining was a little padded cell.

Maybe it's also time to release some demons, release the past, face the present moment. I make visualisations and affirmations a part of my ritual now: I can do it. I am worth it. I believe in myself. I have something worth saying.

There is deep siginificance to this Change, on a psychological level and a spiritual level.

It is initiation by fire.

It is awakening my own feminine self.

It is empowering me.

It is burning through me with the energy of a forest fire.

Find out what is feeding the flames.

Be your own best friend, and show some compassion.

Let the power surges support you, not freak you out.

namaste,

Feminine Wisdom from Musemother: 15 Tools to a Happier More Connected You

What do you need today to feel whole, happy, authentic, true to yourself?

What elements of the creative feminine do you need to play with? Ie how to listen to your body and honour your emotions, feel what you feel.  Here are some things I do to tune in:

1.       Journal writing and Affirmations: I am flawed and fabulous (for self-acceptance)

2.       Develop my inner coach – write a letter from my 80 year old self to me now

3.       Fire the Inner Critic and let negativity be overridden by loving messages from Inner Coach

4.       Time alone, quiet time in nature, attunement to inner self

5.       Soothing rest, naps, music, breathing and centering, find my core again

6.       Dancing and singing, celebrating life and being a woman

7.       Dialogue with my Wise Inner Self  when I’m in a quandary, over a decision

8.       Self-love – practising compassion, loving kindness, forgiveness for mistakes

9.       Soothing the frightened child, rocking my fear

10.   Patience as a practice

11.   Whole body healthy eating: happy healthy whole

12.   Increase Intuition and body guidance, listen to the body

13.   Weaning myself from my addiction to adrenaline rush, speed demon - the art of slowing down

14.   Inner peace – finding a daily practice I can live with

15.   Make a written vow to Self: commitment to Conscious self care

Women's bodies and their wisdom

Just read a very deep post from Roots of She http://www.rootsofshe.com/ about a young girl's first experience of sex, as an invasive assault camouflaged of course as 'older man initiating young girl'.

I am stalled on writing some of my own stories of not only losing my virginity but losing my self to nonconsensual sexual encountners more than once - by not speaking up for myself, by looking for love in all the wrong places, by not knowing the boundaries of my own self, by not feeling empowered enough as a woman to say, Stop, not ready to go there. By thinking it was cool, and hip, and of course it was the sexual revolution in 1970 something and being a good little Catholic girl, I was breaking out of the mold, longing to be a rebel.

Hah! lessons learned, yes, water under the bridge, and sexual politics and games are still going on between men and women. People in power use sex to control those they see as younger, weaker, easy to manipulate for their own ends. What's love got to do with it? very little, in those kinds of situations.

Women's bodies and their wisdom : yes, lately been seeking treatment for muscle tightness that lead me to do some Rolfing with a therapist, and begin to see the relation between the muscles that hold in our emotions and freeze, and need retouching with gentle art and therapy to loosen up and breathe again.  Reading The Wild Feminine, http://www.wildfeminine.com/wild-feminine-book/ I learned that even the muscles in the uterus and vagina, especially those muscles, are connected to our bodies' wisdom at the core of a woman.  Did you know you could dialogue with those hidden places? Would you dare to even touch yourself there and find out how much your divine feminine sexuality is alive and well? Doing Kegels is another way to get back in touch with those lost parts.

In my journaling class, we do a dialogue with different body parts. We give them names ( a little along the lines of the Vagina Monologues). They speak up and let us know what they are feeling, where the hurts and joys are. It's a really good exercise to free up some subconscious 'stuff', some holding on. What is your story? are you ready to hear your body's wisdom? are you ready to reclaim your feminine power?

I named my uterus Famine and Abundance. I had two miscarriages, so there was a period of seven years that felt like Famine, longing for a pregnancy that would hold. Then there was abundance,, two gorgeous babies 19 months apart, with so much golden light and love in them.

I bet you could come up with a name for your female parts too - or do a dialogue with your hands - what do they do for you? how do they please you with the sense of touch? your feet that carry you everywhere, have you thanked them lately?

let's honour the feminine wisdom and honour the body's gifts. And begin to heal the lost places....and hear our own stories.

Musemother/Jenn
www.jenniferboire.com

Dream Wisdom

What are your dreams telling you?
Indecipherable at times, dreams are more like poetry than prose.

They use metaphor, the body literally translated into a scene: my feet are on fire we say, when there is a burning sensation. Then a dream of a dog, Maggie, our golden, with her feet on fire.

What does a dream mean? Only you can know and understand your own symbols. There are a ton of books that will tell you, water means this, a tsunami is bad and a well is good. Water means emotion, or a flood means this....

But I have had dreams where what I was afraid to look at, the meaning of the dream, turned into its opposite. I was working with a Rolfer at the time, someone who translates one layer of the body's experience in the fascia and muscle to another layer of the body in the brain (at least, that's what I understood). One day I brought in a significant dream and we looked at it, we went into each part, each image and asked how it felt to be that part.

I have had many recurring dreams of floods and rising water, and usually take them literally as a fear that the earth is going to be flooded when the glaciers melt and the oceans rise. Since I live on the edge of a river, on the 'lakeshore' (but it is really not a lake, just a widening of the river), this scares me.

The dream this time was a wall of water, a shimmering silvery wall of 100 feet high water coming towards a wall, where I was sitting on a fence with my husband beside me. He was trying to help me climb over the fence, but I was frozen, unable to move. The wave was coming closer. The end.

The rolfer asked me to be the wave. What did it feel like? I closed my eyes and saw it shimmering there, full of light, and the word Benevolence came up in my mind. Benevolence, I thought? the annihilation of my life can't be kindness. Then we went into how each part of the dream felt. What came out of it was a huge ton of love and kindness was coming my way, my husband was part of it, and I was frozen in fear, unable to open and accept it but when I looked at it in the face instead of running away, I could feel the love. Not at all what I thought this dream would be about - fear of success, or fear of huge changes in my life, or fear of disappearing.

In fact, it was a fear of disappearing perhaps - the ego disappearing into so much love, that boundaries are erased.

Dreams are like messages from our unconscious, or perhaps angels, who knows? But they are always interesting to look at from the inside out. Don't take the surface picture for the whole story. Ask questions about the mood and feeling of the observer, of the participant and of each item or piece of the dream and you will get a clearer picture that may surprise you.

Instead of being afraid of knowing the real meaning of a dream that may even seem like a nightmare, you may find that your dreams are giving you friendly advice and pointing you towards new growth.

"The dream keeps us
in touch with that soul
in which we all live.
The dream keeps us
in touch with our place
in that one creation.
The dream puts us
into a time and space
in which we are restored."

Coming Home to Myself, Marion Woodman, Jill Mellick
Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul

Unconditional self love at mid-life

http://anitamoorjani.com/?page_id=58

Perhaps you've heard Anita Moorjani's story about recovery from cancer that seemed miraculous.


She was interviewed by Lilou on Juicy Living.com and I watched it last year, but since I'm doing a retreat on self-love and opening the heart, I went looking for it and found her website.

In an interview with The Near Death Research Foundation in 2006, Anita described how her view of the world and her fears were turned around by her close brush with death. She had been admitted to hospital after 4 years of living with Hodgkins Lymphoma and the doctors gave her 36 hours to live. In her near death experience, she said she felt the whole world was within her, and it was filled with unconditional love. She woke up convinced that we create our own reality by the way we think, and that we can control our negative thoughts and realize we are made of love, that our 'real' life is the illusion. As if what we believe becomes real, and what we allow into our consciousness manifests outside of us. In this case, she said, she decided to live from love and not from fear.

"The universe has a way of presenting to you exactly what you believe. If you think life is great, you are correct. If you think life is tough, you will be proved correct too....The external world is only a reflection of my internal world."  She goes on to say, there is not more negative in the world than positive, it's just what we choose to see and believe that creates our reality. We can choose to know unconditional love and feel our own magnificent oneness with that reality. 

A lot of us our own worst enemies, she continues. So if we learn to stop beating ourselves up with self-criticism and judgments, we will be less judgmental of others, and create and attract more love. "The more I love myself unconditionally, the easier it is for me to see beauty in this world, and beauty in others." 

In conclusion, she says the best way to attract more love in your life, is to fill yourself with self-love.

In a cynical world such as ours, where spirit and business operate on two different planes, and the 'real world' of debt, war, chaos and despair threatens to overwhelm us every day, I find her words very important. It requires a major mental shift to even think this way, let alone believe it. Let's hope we all don't need to have a near death experience to find unconditional love at the center of our universe.

For anyone interested in learning more about where to find this inner love of self, I have been very inspired by the words of Prem Rawat, at www.wopg.org.

Enjoy this spring weather!

Musemother

Menopausal Medicine

First off, medicine is a misnomer, because this blog is about finding what feeds you, what thrills you and what makes you feel whole. Medicine of the soul is more like it.

I don't believe menopause is a disease, I believe it is a transformational journey, a walkabout for your inner woman, an initiation into your inner wise self.

I believe what you need is not more hormones but more harmony. Not more estrogen or progesterone but more self-love. Okay, some of you may need hormonal treatment just so you can sleep through the night and not wake up all ragged and worn-out. I don't blame you for wanting a remedy, any remedy, just to stay sane.

But most of all, dear menopausal, mid-life journeyers, what you are getting from life and your wisdom body, is a major wake-up call. It's time for you to take care of you! It's time for you to listen to your own wisdom. And do what you love, manifest your creative dreams.

Many great doctors, neuro-scientists and teachers are exploring the female brain and body at menopause and two of my favourite doctors, Dr Mona Lisa Schulz http://www.drmonalisa.com/ and Dr Christiane Northrup http://www.drnorthrup.com/ both say that our intuition is 80% based in the body. That's right, we get messages from our shoulders about taking on too much that is not ours; we get messages from our necks that we are working too long and too hard on the computer (and probably our posture is off too). We get messages from our gut that we are not 'digesting' something - not able to swallow the bullshit/lies being fed to us from co-workers, bosses, friends and relatives. Our breasts may be warning us that we are giving away too much of ourselves to others and not practicing good self-care.

We just don't always pay attention until it's too late. Then we wake up, fast, very wise all of a sudden, because of an emergency that calls us to slow down - my first such wake-up call was in the form of a broken-leg that forced me to enlist help in the running of the household and taking care of children departments. Lying in bed for a week or six mending the bones and the spirit was very good medicine. But did it have to hurt so much?

The challenge is to listen in - to pay attention to the soft whispers. The easy way would be to write things down, messages that come to you through dreams, gut feelings, intuitions and those under the radar kind of 'feelings' that get corroborated later. Learn to trust them, learn to follow them, even if it means a little risk. The more you follow the feeling, the stronger the next one gets, and then you begin to trust the larger universe. Are there angels and guides helping us tune into our own wisdom? I don't know but I like to think so.

So take your medicine, work on believing in your own wisdom, practice keeping track of when it leads you in the right direction, write it down. You are being initiated into a new phase in your life. You can begin to feel empowered, and look for people, books, classes that make you feel proud of that womanly power. I've just signed up for a newsletter from Mama Gena for example because I am curious about her Pleasure Intensive classes, and the good things I've heard. http://www.mamagenas.com/

May you never stop learning and growing and claiming your territory, and knowing your own power as a mid-life woman.

Namaste,
Musemother/Jenn
aka www.jenniferboire.com
author of The Tao of Turning Fifty

Self-Care at Menopause

If you are in the throes of menopause and have spent any time browsing the web, you know that there are many sites proclaiming to have the answer : progesterone cream, hormonal treatments, natural supplements, wicking pyjamas, all kinds of products.  I just did a quick tour of the some of Top 30 Menopause Blogs and came away dizzy with the array. They make it sound like menopause is a disease!

What is different with my approach is that I believe self-awareness is key. Yes, you may need to change doctors if yours doesn't believe that you are in perimenopause at age 46 and that you are too young! and yes, herbal remedies and homeopathy got me through my six year perimenopausal journey - motherwort for anxiety and red clover for hot flashes. But the midlife transition for me was not so much a physical event as a major emotional upheaval. It was more of a quest for self, actually.

I was impatient, irritable and flew off the handle easily. Was it triggered by hormones? was it the fact that my kids had hit puberty and were cranky cavemen and self-centered fashionistas? Perhaps we were all a little wonky due to hormones. My poor husband! But really, instead of putting myself away in a straitjacket, the best solution was to get the self-care I needed. Part of that included talk therapy, reiki treatments, massage and getting away on weekend retreats to feed my need for alone time.

In fact, getting away and having time alone to think was very helpful. I did not want my family to suffer from my outbursts, and I recognized that I needed more time alone. Being a writer, there is always a conflict between solitary writing time and taking care of meals, laundry, house management time. Buying an older house and renovating it completely, top to bottom, probably added to my stress level too. But in having the courage to face the down times and the feeling like I'm going crazy times (and in having wonderful girlfriend to cry on their shoulder with), and in journaling my journey, I got through it.

It all seems in the distant past now, my kids have recently left home for university in different cities, so my creative time is all mine. In the last two years, I have discovered that working with other women in facilitating workshops and retreats is fulfilling me much more than sitting in my little office writing. I think the journey through our forties and fifties is a huge wake-up call for self-care, for discovering what we love, for seeking and finding our authentic selves. We stop being able to play the game, or fulfilling the surface roles society demands of us. We need to feel connected to our heart's desires, and something deep inside keeps bugging us until we pay attention.

It may take some digging, some writing, some researching and reflecting, but it's worth it. Take the time, and make the time for you. Make finding yourself and your happiness an item on your agenda. Stop burning the candle at both ends in working late and ignoring your needs for regular meals and sleep. Your menopause will be smoother if you slow down and take care of your needs.

take care now
Jenn/Musemother
www.jenniferboire.com

What Visions May Come: Listening to Inner Guidance at Mid-life

Since my mid-life quest or transition began, I have gone on many journeys and retreats, taken classes with inspirational authors and sought answers to my questions in many, many books. The odd thing is, all of these ended up teaching me one thing: turn within for the answers.

At one retreat week in particular, I had booked an appointment with a woman who was said to channel spiritual guidance, hoping she could help me discover which writing project deserved my full time and energy. I sat in the chair across from her, nervously waiting for her to open her eyes and speak. She looked at me after a few minutes of silence and said, My guides are telling me you have to find your own answer!

I was a little bit peeved at the time, thinking, I came all the way to Taos, New Mexico to hear this? But ultimately, it was a very good truth. I had been looking for the answers in other people's books, in conferences, in outside authority. And it was time for me to be author of my own existence and trust my own inner authority.  Easier said than done.

Over the past four years, I've been developing my trust in this by using various exercises and visualizations, and I have to say, it takes practice to trust your own inner guidance, but it becomes easier and easier. Two of my favourite authors on the subject, Dr Mona Lisa Schulz and Dr Christiane Northrup, both say that our bodies are the greatest source of intuition or women's wisdom if you like. Sometimes we get small whispers, but if we don't listen in, the signals get stronger and stronger. For example, a friend of mine recently recovering from a burn-out, is back at work and her work hours are increasing. She told me one week she had a recurring dream three times, that she was in her car, stepping on the gas pedal and there was no power, no movement, no response. That seems an obvious metaphor for lack of energy, no gas in the tank.

Through dreams, through body signals, through direct questions in your journal, you too can access your inner wisdom. Shakti Gawain has shared her visualization for meeting your inner guide in her book Creative Visualizations (http://www.shaktigawain.com/) and I use this exercise often in my Creative Journaling classes.  I also use angel cards, tarot decks and native totem animal cards to get access to the sub-conscious or inner guidance on mini-retreats I make for myself at home (see my website for tips on how to do this at www.jenniferboire.com ).

I believe we all have a Wise Inner Self; perhaps it's the same thing some people call Soul, or Heart. It doesn't matter what word we use, but there is a wonderful feeling of accessing our best or higher self, when we let go, ask for help, and release self-doubt. Writing in my journal and doing my sitting practice of going inside, I access this wise, quiet voice. Solutions and answers to my questions bubble up from inside. I begin to trust that everything I need to know is inside me. My teacher Prem Rawat has been inspiring me to go inside for years now (www.wopg.org), and his teachings have been most helpful.

It takes a bit of practice, but anyone can get in touch with their inner guidance. It strengthens your connection to your self, to your faith in an Inner Authority. It is a powerful, free, inner resource. It releases you from self-doubt and helps make you a stronger more confident person. It feels good to be aligned with the Creative spirit and I believe we are all co-creators with the divine energy of creation.

Writing Down Your Soul is another good book to get you started, by Janet Conner, www.writingdownyoursoul.com  and I find that in general, writing a question in my journal and asking my Inner Wise Self for guidance always helps me find my way through whatever confusion or doubt is assailing me.  You can develop a trusting relationship with your own wise self, and practice using affirmations and positive thinking to undo the years of negative conditioning or crippling self-doubt that some of us were brought up with.

Going on Retreat and spending a whole day or two nurturing my connection within is also an excellent way to strengthen your connection to your own intuition and wisdom. I have so enjoyed working with Karen Ely, Ken Nelson, Joan Borysenko, Jennifer Louden in workshops and retreats, and hearing Prem Rawat`s live inspiration has been especially wonderful.

Check out my website for more information on classes and retreats in the Montreal area. I hope to offer an e-course one day, so keep posted for that development.

Namaste,
Musemother
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Turning Fifty? So What's the Big Deal?

Now that I'm the wise old age of 57, sometimes I forget what it was like to approach fifty. My forties are a bit of a blur because I had my children late, and they hit puberty as I was hitting menopause. I do remember the arguments over plates on the counter, not in the dishwasher, and begging them to make their beds, until I gave up and just closed the door. But my personal life sonmetimes took a back seat to raising children and renovating our living space.

Even at fifty, my youngest was only 12...so the good times were still to come. There were lots of good times of course, family times, picnics, vacations, soccer games, ballet recitals, hip hop concerts, you name it.  But 'me time'? not so much.

So for me, turning fifty and above has been mostly about trying to carve out some time for me - time to find that well-adjusted psyche and sense of fulfillment people talk about in articles on mid-life. If you have your children in your late thirties, your mid-life may end up being in your late fifties. And you may still be adjusting to mid-life in your 60's.

Being fifty, (or 55, or 57) is about finally finding your self, your choices, your own tastes, your own heart's desire.  Mid-life has been like a second adolescence for me, partly because I stayed home with my kids and so the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up was still relevant. I had already gone back to school, gotten a master's degree, but what did I really want to do with it? Writing at home in my little room was no longer as fulfilling. I wanted to go out into the bigger world and play!

So my fifties has been about discovering this side of me: I've taken workshops, lead workshops, read books, written a few, and now I am leading retreats for women as well as creative journaling classes, which is so much where I want to be. Learning, exploring, following my passion, doing what I feel like - which involves more learning about what I love, what I feel, understanding my patterns and places I get stuck, finding out what really excites me.  And sharing those discoveries with other women.

It sounds like it's all about me - and it is.  I have found my vocation is largely talking about myself, something I've always loved anyway.  I use my own stories to illustrate the mid-life journey, as well as those of others I've encountered. There's a lot of uncertainty for women who have raised children, worked as caretakers and managers of households, once they begin to wonder what their skills are, and where their gifts and talents lie beyond bandaging scraped knees, driving kids to piano lessons and multi-tasking. Actually even the women who work full time as well as raising families sometimes question their roles at mid-life. Not a few women I know have created new careers, started businesses, or gone back to school in their forties and fifties.

Time is short, and at fifty, you face your own time limit. It's time to find out what really turns you on, what you really want to do with this wild and precious life, as Mary Oliver puts it. Maybe it scares you a little, but you find you have the courage, one baby step at a time, to explore new options, discover new territories, set out on adventures beyond your back yard.

And for some, the adventure is to come back to the roost and rest, to stop churning and turning in busy busy mode, and simplify. To learn to do one thing at a time. And that's an adventure too, because it is also unknown territory.

Whatever your adventure, getting to know your self along the way makes it more interesting.  I've only used about half the box of crayons, and there are so many colours to discover!

Namaste,
Jenn/Musemother

Journaling into my space

leap in mid-air

Six summers ago, I spent a week at the Writer's Spa in Taos with Jennifer Louden www.jenniferlouden.com, an experience that changed my life (although it took me a while to realize this).

Jennifer had us do different things to get us into the right space to write in, since that's what we were there for. She asked us to do stuff we don't normally do - to get out of avoidance habits, and surprise ourself by showing up for writing whether we feel like it or not. Letting food prep, cleaning and random projects that need doing fall by the wayside to clear some space for the writing. It was a precious opportunity to focus on the writer self for one whole week, with a little yoga and spa time as well, and the incredible company of twenty five other women.

I came across my journal from that time today, and it's fascinating to find that the seeds for the project that is coming to fruition today at my book launch of The Tao of Turning Fifty were planted in the desert and mountainous region of Taos, New Mexico in 2006.

One of the things I tried that was 'different' was writing in a different physical environment. Usually I set up my laptop on my desk and start from there. Why not write downstairs in living room by the picture window? Or outside in the pergola? In Taos, I had a cozy room with a small door to a balcony, which was not really a balcony but a part of the adobe roof, where I could nestle into a corner underneath a large tree and watch the sacred mountain on the pueblo land just over the fence from the Mabel Dodge Luhan house (click here for a picture - it's a great retreat space). http://www.mabeldodgeluhan.com/ (Natalie Goldberg also holds writing workshops there). I wrote some great poems there, watching the clouds darken the mountain.

One afternoon I sat in the nude and wrote, feeling very naked and vulnerable even though I was alone in my room. It's interesting to see where the writing takes you when you come out of your comfort zone! My favourite spot to write (with clothes on) was on a bench in front of a pond surrounded by flowers and gardens - I saw an orange dragonfly which was very special and magical. I gave myself permission to leave the little room more often and explore the space around me.

Gradually, from the tight, fearful, small space I arrived at Taos in, unsure of myself as a writer, unsure of which project to work on, unsure of my gifts to the world, slowly slowly I began to crawl out of the hedge and look, come out from my cramped, hidden and safe invisibility to openness and blue sky where people could see me and hear me. I wrote: Need to Move out - Open to Sky - Space will hold me - Unwinding Spirit Flight up there in Sky There are no Limits. Crawling is for Worms!

It takes a certain amount of courage to find your own space - to crawl out of the small but comfortable zone and spread your wings into a larger project, whether that be to journal every day instead of once a month, or tackle a book project.  Give yourself permission to stretch your habits a little, to do something out of the ordinary habits that leave no room for growth.  Ask yourself, can I take up more space?  Can I be visible, and grounded, yet touch the sky?

The image I had was of a Jack in the Box, bulky and squished down into a tight space, cranky in my little box, finally being opened and springing out to find I am still rooted, yet much more open and joyful exploring this new Open space.

Try this: write about something you are most afraid of, stretch that box a little bigger. Climb out of the comfort zone into the Blue Sky zone. Can you believe that anything is possible?

Jenn/Musemother
www.jenniferboire.com

Soul Food (and Chocolate) for the Woman's Heart

http://www.itimes.com/files/blogfiles/184708/karate-bradley-stressed-out.jpg

Soul food for the hungry woman’s heart

It's Valentine's Day and High Time you reclaimed your spiritual Mojo ! Give yourself some long overdue self-love and attention by following these tips:

The biggest Mojo killer is Stress. So what can you do to de-stress? Dr Susan Mertz Anderson says stress is just a thought, it doesn't come from circumstances, which is an interesting way of looking at things. Stop taking those thoughts so seriously (it only leads to anxiety). Change your focus by learning how to breathe for calm, to center and ground yourself.

Three part breath: breathe in the for count of four or five, hold the breath for the same count, then exhale for four or five. Just a few moments of this calm breathing will remove 90% of your stress.

One of the reasons we get stressed is cause we say yes when we mean No. Learn how to stand your ground and not be such a push over.  Simplify your life – say no, more. Shake the 'should's....it's your shoulders that will feel lighter.

On top of this, it's stressful trying to please other people: we want to perform well for our bosses, or be perfect hostesses, perfect friends, perfectly dressed fashionistas; we each have our little areas of weakness where we compare ourselves to someone more 'perfect'. Stop making yourself miserable with comparisons.  Repeat after me: I am fabulous and flawed!

A great de-stresser: clear and declutter the mind – write in your journal - get it all out on paper. What's really driving me crazy is.....then let it rip.

Unplug and give yourself permission to turn off the blackberry, email, or cell phone during lunch or after you get home. Your brain will be less overwhelmed if you give yourself a breather at some point in the day. Take a walk at lunchtime, force yourself to leave the desk (home office too!).  Forget about work for a while, recharge and refresh your batteries with some oxygen.

Know your limits, you are not a machine; honour how you feel and practice self-compassion. Knowing how to avoid stress builds health.

Now for rebuilding that spiritual Mojo, grab a piece of some 80% dark chocolate and make yourself a list:

What is working for you? What feeds you? What drains you? Take stock of your life. Where is good energy coming in, and where is all your energy going out, with no return?

What did you used to love to do? When was the last time you did it? It's time you got out there to shake your booty again, whether by hiking, skiing, skating, dancing - bust out those Latin moves and salsa, zumba, cha cha cha. Even better, find a friend to join you.

If you have a creative streak that has been languishing on the back burner, it's time to mother the creative fire in you. You know that the eggs are growing in darkness where you planted them; but they might not end up seeing the light of day unless they feel the sun’s warmth. How can you nourish the invisible birthing being prepared? What keeps your creative fire humming? soft music, a wide blue sky, reading poetry? It's your turn to create now, the world is waiting for your unique voice or splash of colour, so bring forth your creation into the world - make the unknown known!

Here are some affirmations for nourishing your spirit:

Today I give myself permission to go at the pace of my breathing, and not push the river....

I am a co-creator with the creator.

I let go and trust the creative process. 

I love my life!

Now you can eat that chocolate :)

namaste

Musemother

ps If you want to really get your chocoholic moving, try IKOVE acai and chocolate face cream, organic botanicals that smell like chocolate, great for your face, easy on your figure.http://www.ikove.com/

Mid-life and Exhaustion

She pictured herself hanging on with all her fingers to a wooden dock, and then, after hours of cramping hand pain, finally just lifting off her fingers, letting go of the dock, letting the gentle water and waves pull her backwards, like a pair of huge motherly arms gently tugging on her from behind, guiding her down river. It would be so easy, to just fall back, stop striving, stop rushing, stop getting things done, move backwards instead of forwards. Why do we always have to run forward, move forward, progress? she thought. The sense of accomplishment was nothing to her now. It only burdened her, the constant list of things to do. She wanted to refuse to function with goals and lists, although all her life it had kept her organized, sane, functional.

Now she simply wanted, if she could admit to the truth without guilt, she very much wanted to let go, and stop. Everything. Deadlines. Doing. Shopping. Decorating. Renovating. Driving. Registering. Volunteering. Managing. Coping. At a very deep level, the fear of her inner blank slate was going away. She wanted that white room. Actually, the fear was rising to the surface and she was seeing it, instead of hiding behind the business. And now that she looked at the fierce holding on out of fear in the face, she no longer could do it. Something, some vision of a deeper life, some need for inner psychic peace and ease, called to her. How ignore it, when she was so exhausted anyway?

July 7, 2005

The above is a short entry from my journal, which I thought I might develop into a short story.  I post it hear to remind myself that I was NOT always feeling so great and energetic as I am now. In fact, 6 years ago, I was in the midst (nearly at the end) of a mid-life transition that included fatigue, overwhelm, anxiety, mild depression probably (from the sounds of it) - plus my father had recently passed away, and my kids were hitting puberty. It does get better, I promise, if you take good care of yourself.

My advice to myself, and to you, dear reader, is to REST. The only real medicine for exhaustion according to Susun Weed (and there's a chapter about this in The Tao of Turning Fifty) is to rest, do nothing, lower your expectations, reduce your responsibilities to the absolutely essential, before you end up breaking down and being out of commission anyway.

You can take all the herbal supplements, caffeine or stimulants in the world, but if at the base of it, you are really really tired, allow yourself more time for REST.

enjoy the mid-winter mildness,

Jenn/Musemother

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Journaling and Self-Care

There are so many benefits of journaling, but one of the main things it gives me is a sounding board for how I feel. It's a place to check in and do a quick scan - mood, physical body, spirit health, sense of presence, absence.

Sometimes I write down my dreams first thing so I can remember them later and try and figure it out. Sometimes it's a huge Wah! to the universe - feeling stuck, confused, not sure how to get out of this one, no solutions in sight.

Mostly though, by the time I get to the bottom of the page, I've found something - a shift in mood, an answer to a question, a softening, a little more hope. Usually, I find it helps me take stock of where I am and what I need right now.

I also write affirmations - something I'm beginning to put more faith in. The more I read (all over the web, O Magazine, blogs) the more I hear about the neuroscience of positive thinking - using your words carefully to call to you more of what you love, what you want to receive. I am creative, I am loving, I am resourceful, I find answers to my challenges....

Someone on facebook recently admitted they had a swearing problem, and I know I do that usually in the car at other drivers, or when I stub my toe or bump a hip into the pointy part of the table (moving too fast around those corners). Then I read, that instead of cursing the other drivers, you should send them blessings, for the words you speak boomerang back to you. Since I need the patience and blessing of those around me, I think this is a good practice. Just another way to practice affirming my good...

I know how easy it is to let the inner critic take over, if you're not careful, and write yourself into a self-critical rut. Don't. Just back up, and start over. You can find something nice to say....and if you can't, if everything seems rotten and dumb and you've lost your mojo, reach out to your Inner coach, (imagine a best friend or make-one up) who would be totally non-judgmental and supportive, and let her respond to the critic - If you were your own best friend, what would you say? "I know you had one too many pieces of chocolate, Jennifer, and your scale is telling you that Super Bowl extravaganza of chili, chicken wings and Bavarian cream was too much of a good thing, but look - you got outside today and walked one extra kilometer in the sunshine!"

Make your journal a place to dialogue with that inner friend, or higher self, or Inner Wise Woman and fire the inner critic. Another way to do this, is to imagine you are eighty-five years old, looking back at the you of today - and write yourself a letter. You'll be surprised at how much wisdom you own already.

Take good care of your Self,
Musemother

Letter to a Teenage daughter on Sexuality and Love

This is one of my most popular posts, -  I did write the letter after posting this a few years ago, and never included the full version - so ladies and mothers and girls, here it is. Feel free to use it as a model for your own letter. Musemother

Dear Daughter (insert name here)

Wow! You’re already fifteen.

And what I want to tell you is how important it is for you as a girl to know how to trust your body's instincts, and also protect that. I wish I could say that the world has changed since I was a teenager, but unfortunately, there are still double standards in our society that do not honour female sexuality. Advertising and fashion encourage young girls to be sexy and desirable, and yet societyalso  punishes them for acting on their desires. I know it was confusing for me. I lost my virginity at age 15, almost 16, under dubious circumstances not entirely of my own choosing. A lot of it was peer pressure, from friends thinking it was ‘time’ for me. I know these are not the same times, (the 70’s, sex drugs and rock’n roll) and you are not me. Most likely your experience will be very different, but there is still lots of pressure on girls to ‘give out’, to ‘give in’, or to go too fast.

I think the important thing is to cultivate respect for your body, to have good boundaries, to know your own limits and what you feel ready to experience. I guess go slow is the best way to put it. Don’t let anyone else be in the driver’s seat – that’s where you are.

You may not be thinking about this yet, but I'd like to tell you that being a virgin is a good thing, in spite of what other people may tell you. Having sex is about choice, your choice, your timing, not your friends' timing or a boy’s timing. 

You should know that oral sex is still sex, and girls often feel it’s degrading to provide this as some kind of service to boys who give little or nothing in return, not to mention the risk of disease, herpes, etc. I hope you also know that the cachet of being popular does not make it worth it. You already know about the dangers of drinking and drugs - how a girl must always keep her head together, because alcohol and pot lower her resistance, loosen her inhibitions and her common sense (which you have loads of, but everyone loses it sometimes, under social pressures). 

It seems unfair, but it’s still the girls who have to keep their heads on straight, even if their emotions and desire are pulling them to experiment sexually. There are lots of ways to get close and have an intimate connection with someone (or with yourself), that don’t involve penetration or getting pregnant.

Women/girls make love for different reasons than boys I think. Heaven knows there are lots of sensitive boys and men out there, but our needs are more emotional - we bond quickly, we fall in love easily, without necessarily being ready to give of ourselves fully in that way. Sometimes our generous natures can work against us and we give too much away. Making love forges emotional links, little threads of love and need get woven into our psyches from us to the other person. We can't break those bonds as easily as some guys can. We expect our love to be returned and it's not always forthcoming.

I know I can't protect you from heartbreak, but as your mom, I want you to honour your own knowing, your own limits, and feel your own self-worth. You are worthy of all the love, honour and respect a person can give you.

Remember that you are the guardian of your soul’s temple, this body you have been given, and always let your intuition and inner knowing guide you. I hope you will feel comfortable talking about this, when the day comes, if you need help.

Love, your Mom

Where Did My Libido Go? Mid-life Women Wonder

extract from The Tao of Turning Fifty, What Every Woman in Her Forties Needs to Know, Little Red Bird Press 2012

Our sense of womanhood is inherently linked to our sexuality. Maybe that’s why some women mourn their youth at menopause. They think they will lose their attractiveness to the opposite sex and there goes their womanhood. However, according to Dr Christiane Northrup, there is evidence that some women experience a reawakening of their libido at mid-life. Scientists say a woman’s sexual peak is probably somewhere in her forties. Then again, some others experience a temporary deadened feeling: where oh where, did my libido go? 

I was one of the ones who momentarily (for a few years!) lost touch with my desire. This was when I still had fairly young children and not sleeping well, on top of being perimenopausal. I think it was largely a matter of fatigue and timing. It turns out I am more easily aroused in the morning than at midnight when I’m half asleep! Talking about things certainly helped, once I became brave enough. My marriage might not have survived if I had not decided to take matters into my own hands (very literally). Two books that helped me understand the difference between women’s and men’s sexuality are John Gray’s Venus and Mars in the Bedroom and Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality by Linda E. Savage, Ph. D.

Now I can give myself permission to enjoy gourmet sex when I need it (meaning a lot of time for foreplay), or allow my husband a quickie occasionally.  I feel more comfortable asking for what I need and less pressured to be available sexually when I don’t feel like it. Think of it this way: you might be letting your partner off the hook. He may also be experiencing a slowing of desire at his male andropause.

A lot has been written about the differences between male and female desire, and I’m not sure we can generalize, but certainly women’s arousal often starts in the head – with being courted, talked to and listened to, which creates a feeling of closeness or intimacy. Dr. Micheal Goodman considers himself an expert on this. He says, “Men’s sexuality is linear: desire leading to arousal leading to erection and sexual intimacy. Women are different; their sexuality is more circular and circuitous (“women need a reason for sex; men just need a place”), and starts with intimacy, not desire.”[1] This inherently makes sense to me.

If it’s painful sex that is slowing you down, don’t wait; get advice from your health care provider. Or try herbal teas or tinctures like oatstraw and nettle which help relubricate the vagina. Certain homeopathic remedies help too. I have found some natural lubricants (Sexy Ganga, made with hemp oil) are more compatible than the artificial ones made of petroleum products (if you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, it doesn’t belong in your vagina). Susun Weed’s New Menopausal Years the Wise Woman Way is a very helpful book in this regard, with lots of herbal remedies for each malady.

Whatever happens, don’t give up on sex just because of a few hormonal changes. A saliva test can help you find out which hormones are lacking (progesterone, estrogen or testosterone). See Dr Christiane Northrup’s book, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause for a thorough discussion of all things sexual.

That being said, consider that a time of sexual abstinence may be called for to honour your own need for rest, and to give you a time to find your wholeness within. Sex is wonderful, when you feel like having sex. Not out of guilt or a habit of pleasing others. Can you stand your ground, be with your own desire or lack of desire? Be patient with yourself and know that your desire is not gone for good. 

---

[1] www.drmichaelgoodman.com/ten-best-tips-for-surviving-your-menopause/ (author of Men-opause – a book about menopause for men)

Mid-life transition hits men too

I've been so focused on writing for women, that I've missed something crucial about the mid-life transition. Men feel it too! Some men get so stressed that researchers have given it a name, IMS, Irritable Male syndrome.  No, it's for real, I found this on a website at http://midlifetransition.org/.

According to Men's Health Magazine up to 30% of men experience it: some of the symptoms are
hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger. Your mid-life man may be tired, and tired of being tired, not feeling understood, not as prone to be sexually as active as he was and tending to feel depressed about his life and accomplishments. According to some doctors mentioned on this site, lower testosterone levels are at the root of it. It's male menopause, or Andropause.

What's different from women is that men deny anything is wrong and don't talk to anyone about it because they are supposed to be the strong ones, holding the fort together, never showing emotional weakness, plus they often have difficulty talking about their feelings, especially around their sexuality.

If you are a woman in mid-life, you are most likely married to a man in mid-life and you may recognize some of the symptoms. It's probably easier to refer your favourite sufferer of IMS to a website, so have him check out the site linked above on the mid-life transition. Especially if you think he may be depressed, and have trouble reaching out for help. Dr William Pollack from Harvard is quoted as saying mid-life crisis is a code word for male depression, and it can be treated.

In any case, the word transition says it all - this is usually a temporary state - and if one does a little bit of soul searching and reflection, one comes through the other side with a deeper understanding of the human experience.

ps men's self-medication favourites as listed on this site: alcohol, TV, sports, and sex.
women's self-medication: food, friends and 'love'. Interesting differences....

jenn/musemother

My Manifesto on Self-Care

For the second time in two days, I’ve read that self-help books are full of clichés like: learn to slow down, take care of yourself, eat healthy good food, get regular sleep, journaling (this from a book review on a book for young women to help them get beyond high heels and shopping). Hello! When did rigorous discipline and self-love become cliché? That makes it sound so easy, like anyone can do it with their eyes closed.

Actually, it’s one of the hardest things in the world to accomplish, until you decide it’s a priority  – to get the right dose of balance in your overly busy life, to make sure the things you spend the most time on are the things that really matter, to carve out some down time to take care of your bruised soul in this wearying roller coaster existence of 24-7 productivity and busyness.  The goal being to not just survive but thrive. To have a happy healthy whole attitude towards life – every day I commit to taking better care of my inner Self in a world that honours only the success of my outer Self, i.e. the number of techno gadgets I am attached to, the number of fabulous exotic trips I take a year, the shape and colour of my wardrobe, the size of my purse....is a commitment not to something cliché but rather to being a more real human being.

So forgive me if you’ve heard this before, but I need to be reminded continuously that self-care is not selfish. I need to be reminded that focusing on what feeds me, and surrounding myself with like-minded folks who encourage that quest for balance in me, is where I start to feel human. The overstressed, yelling-all-the-time person who constantly criticizes herself (and others) for being too lazy, too self-indulgent and too slow is so yesterday. I do not want to live under the shadow of my inner critic, whose bark and bite are sneakily nasty. I have over identified with that little voice for far too long. I finally feel I deserve some self-love, just like I deserve a soothing massage when I am too wound up, and alone time to write in my journal and better understand myself.   I now know that when I am kind to myself it helps me be kind to others, and the world is a much better place when we are feeling kind. Yes, I am flawed, I'm not there all the time, but it is a fabulous goal to work on.

If that is cliché, well it’s one that hasn’t been used enough by the world in general to become cliché really (at least, not overused yet). When kindness, compassion and love are the norm, maybe then we can say it’s a cliché.

So take that, Book Reviewers of the world. The Tao of Turning Fifty is coming out in a few days, the end of January I hope, once I approve the final proof. And it will be full of clues, tools, and tips for self-care. Touché, cliché.

Shit Menopausal Women Say

Alright, I saw the youtube videos, shit girls say, and boy, they repeat themselves alot. I think menopausal women should have more to say than the following samples, so I'm inviting you to come up with some good ones.

Hey, is it hot in here? or is it just me?
Can you open that door/window?
Where are my glasses?
What did I come in here for?
Where are my keys?
Did I lock the door? no, I think I ... oh yeah, it's locked.
Senior moment!
Neat!
Groovy!
Oh that is so sixties! seventies....
I am so turning into my mother....
look at that wobbly bit under my chin....
does my butt look big in this?
look at the size of my thighs....Venus of Willendorf had these thighs!
Turn down that thermostat!
Ok, like, fifty is the new 30.
I'll have a double chai latte with low fat soy, grande.
What was I just saying?

OK, these are the obvious ones - can you find something more original?

musemother
ps Hey, we should make a video, if we only knew how to work that computer...

Musemother Newsletter for January

Did you know you can subscribe to a free monthly newsletter from Musemother?

This month's theme is Self-Compassion. Here's a brief excerpt:

"There are many things I could consider working on in the new year, that is if I believed in making resolutions. But the best advice I`ve received lately suggested putting off New Year`s until February 1^st because most of us are still overextended and over-tired from the holiday marathon of parties, gifts, hostessing and traveling.

However, if I did make a list, self-compassion might be at the top of it. Partly because, the first thing my mind started doing on my first day back from holidays was start in on me about how the house is a mess, start putting decorations away, take down the tree, etc. I have a really hard time giving myself permission to rest and enjoy some creative loafing time. For a writer, that`s a really big challenge -  to take time off from house stuff to do the creative stuff.

So I picked up a small book I got in my Christmas stocking, How to be Compassionate, by the Dalai Lama. ..."


If you are interested in receiving monthly wisdom about self-care and the women's journey through mid-life, head over to my website, www.jenniferboire.com and click on Contact to sign up for this free newsletter.


By the way, I'm on Facebook as well, and although the blog doesn't automatically transfer over to my Notes page anymore, I often re-post or share a link so you can read it there.


Have a dreamy snowy day, and take good care of your heart,
jenn/musemother

Welcome to 2012

Ok, you've received them too, a slew of Happy New Year pictures and copies of articles on Resolutions or Non-resolutions...getting a wee bit tired of hearing how it's all going to change in this new year. First off, I just got back from five days away, so naturally, the first thing on my list is laundry.

Actually, the first thing on my list today was Clearing Space, and decluttering, which includes emptying suitcases and washing clothes, but more importantly, clearing the mental space I need to begin my day.

Lucky me, I got to sleep in, unlike J who had to leave for work at 7:00 a.m. But instead of waking up to a cranky day of dust and decay, I decided to dust off the soul space. Listening to a CD with Ram chant helped heal my scattered cells and bring center back into focus.  I knelt on the floor and placed the crown of my head on the rug at the end of my yoga stretches, surrendered to peace. Ah, breath fills my lungs and muscles feel more serene, less antsy. Feel the well fill up again after busy dizzy streets of NY, colourful restaurants and French cooking, crazy fun in the city with our kids and friends. Back to ice on the lake, sun sparkling on frozen space out my window and sweet silence filling the air around my eardrums.

This is how my New Year begins.  Usher in the tranquility, release sadness, cranky moods and overwhelm.
Dust off the list of things to do and pick one or two things that really need my attention.

When the brain tires of firing up its 305 million circuits and synapses, it seeks its common denominator, the Anti-dote to stress and confusion, the One singular bell that rings a clear note.....ummmm, I like that. Re-balanced, I stand, two bare feet on the carpet, bent over, looking at my toes, soft chant on the stereo, a mother-lode of reverence.

Then up and on to the day: delete the 250 emails that accumulate while away, send in revisions for my book, delete delete the distractions that divide my attention.

Quiet the loud clanging of commerce and daily bickering over who has more than me - a bigger room, child, cow, wife, necklace, pot of gold, book sales, glass of wine, more facebook likes....

I am not going to plan for the future, at least not today. Today, I begin with rest and Decluttering.
amen,
jenn